Scars and Songs (34 page)

“Shamsiel.” Michael’s features softened and I could feel the empathy roll off him in waves. 
Interesting
, considering that he did nothing to stop me from going to Hell.

“Michael, just tell me what’s going on,” I said, standing up. 

Michael looked toward the human standing next to him, “Shamsiel, this soul was Jacob Taylor, Grace’s earthly brother.  He has come to me in hopes of helping his sister.”

My eyes flew to Jacob’s and watched as he exhaled a harsh breath.  “You’re
him
?  You’re the angel that Grace was trying to find.”

I smiled back.  “I’m no angel.  But, yes, I do believe that Grace was looking for me.”  I turned to Michael, “Why am I here in heaven?  I was just in a hospital room, almost arrested, and punched in the face, so how did I get
here
?  Oh, yeah and let’s not forget my little visit with
your brother
, Gabriel.”

“I brought you here, Shamsiel,” Michael breathed.  His eyes seemed full of love and desperation.  “Shamsiel, Gabriel took all this upon himself.  Your punishment.  Selah.  Everything. 
I had no idea
.”  His hand ran softly over my face.  “My brother, how I have missed you.  Thousands of years…”

“Yeah, Michael there’s nothing like thousands of lonely years to freeze your heart until it turns into the cold dead organ I hold in my chest.  Let’s not pretend that you care.” 

“You weren’t supposed to be punished like the rest, and she was supposed to be spared…” Michael murmured.

Rage.  Human blind rage took over. 
And I let it
.  After all, that’s all I am now,
human
.  “Well, LA-DE-FUCKING-DA, Michael!  You promised me she’d be spared.  And I’ve been in HELL, and Selah…Selah has been in Hell on earth!  Forgive me if I don’t feel quite so happy to see you!”

“Shamsiel, the archangels…”

“Don’t!  Just stop!  Enough of this angel crap!  It’s so far from my real world, so far from any human’s reality!  You and the rest of them are so far-removed from us that you have no idea what is going on down there!  You are supposed to be watching over us, protecting us!  This is like being stuck in a really bad paranormal book that doesn’t freaking end.  Just tell me what to do to save her!”

Michael stood statuesque before me.  His brows crumpled together and his eyes offered me a pained stare.  “Shamsiel, we’ve been at war in the Heavens for thousands of years.” He clenched his teeth and the muscles under his skin hummed with anguish.  
Drawing his fists together, he began pacing back and forth.  “It all started with the Grigori and the human women marrying and creating the…Nephilim…”

Raking my hands through my hair, I huffed with impatience. 
What good was this conversation doing for Grace?  She was on earth dying and I’m having a history lesson an idiotic angel who doesn’t remember that I WAS ACTUALLY THERE
when all this history went down.  “Yeah. 
Mikey
.  I remember.  I.  Was.  There.”  My fists tightened in my anger.  “Do you remember?  That’s what I was condemned to Hell for, even though Selah and I did nothing wrong!  All we did was kiss…we kissed
goodbye
.”

Michael was still muttering and rubbing his wrists and hands together.  I must say that I had never seen this kind of behavior in an angel.  Given that I was so freaking pissed off at Michael, I was quite enjoying his discomfort. 
Greatly
. 
Screw it, I mean really, what was going to happen to me?  I’d go to Hell?  Well, I had been there longer than any other place, so what-the-fuck-ever.

Jacob stepped between our advancing bodies, jerking his hands in the air separating us.  “You both have got to be kidding me!  Look, Shamsiel-Shane, whatever you want to call yourself.  I know you want to help save Grace and do whatever you need to be with her.  And Michael, we understand that you had nothing to do with Shane getting the shit end of the stick because you were preoccupied with whatever it is you were doing…”

I barked out a laugh.  “Holy crap.  Are you patronizing us right now?”

Jacob’s chin jutted out and he crossed his arms.  Cocking his head, he deadpanned, “Well, if it shuts you both up and gets you to help the most innocent person out of all of this, then
yes
.”

I couldn’t help smiling and nodding my head at him. “I see where Grace gets her tenacity from.  You’re right, I will do
anything
for her.”

“No, Shane, she gets her tenacity and strength from years of torture.”

Right.

Michael’s hand grasped my shoulders and the weight of the world and all my hate and rage
disappeared
.  Sliding his hand to lie against my chest, he sighed heavily and a tortured expression crossed his features.  “Gabriel has laid claim to the girl.  He thinks that if Grace and he…
unite
…that another generation of Nephilim will be created.  It’s his way of winning the war.”

“NO.  No one
UNITES
with Grace but ME!  Now get me back down there and do some abracadabra angel magic and heal her!”

Michael’s arms became heavier on me and his voice seemed to lose all its power, “It’s isn’t like it used to be, Shane.  We can save her from where Gabriel is keeping her,
but
Grace will only heal if she wants to.  The only thing that I
could
do with what you call ‘
my abracadabra angel magic’
is to return you home to be
what you were created to be
.”

My heart seemed to freeze, then pound and hammer against my chest with rushing blood, “I could go
home
?”  My damn skin started to tingle. 
TINGLE
.

Michael leaned forward, his pupils large, swimming in oceans of heavenly blue irises.  “Yes, Shamsiel.  You should have never
been punished so harshly.  You could take up arms and fight alongside me.”

The muscles in my body, all of them, trembled and warmth radiated throughout my body. 
Home? 
Return home to be
what I was created to be
. 

“And Grace?”

His chin lowered into his chest and his hands fell limp at his sides.  “Grace will live out the rest of this life and will eventually die like any other human before her.” 

“And we don’t ever see one another again,
right
?  I stand guard and stay out of the lives of the humans and I never lay my eyes on her again, right?”

His voice was thick and low, “Yes.”

My chest heaved, ears roaring with the rising pressure. 

My heart pounded.  It was all I could hear.

Thud.

Slammed against my chest.

Thud.

My skin tightened.

THUD.

Sweat poured from my pores.

THUD.  THUD.  THUD.  THUD-THUD-THUD

Thud.

“Hell.  No.  An existence without Grace by my side is not acceptable.  I stay human.  We die human together.  I’m no longer an angel, you ALL took that away from me.  I’m not helping to fight in a war that isn’t mine any longer.  There’s too many more important things on earth to fight for instead of all your bullshit – who wants to play God – when there is no way anyone could ever replace
him
.”

Michael backed away, posture sagging.  “You sound so…human…with your faith in a God that hasn’t spoken to his angels…in millenniums.”

I swallowed the painful lump in my throat, “That’s because
I am
human.  And maybe you should have as much blind faith as humans do.  You’d be amazed what things their belief and faith can help them overcome.”

Michael breathed in deeply and his eyes went vacant.  “What if she doesn’t want you any longer because you’re
not
an angel?   Will she love and accept you as Shane Maxton?  Look at the life that Shane Maxton lived before you became him, how could anyone love that?  He’s not good enough for her, Shamsiel.  You would give up everything for such a great risk?  What if she wakes up from her coma and doesn’t remember her past?  What if she doesn’t remember you?”

“I’ll give it up, Michael, to be with her…she’s been searching for me for centuries.  I would rather take my chances on someone who had faith in my soul since the beginning of time, then those who would easily believe I would have turn
ed my back on my brothers and bring evil to the world I was created to protect.”

“And what if Gabriel continues to plague her on earth?”

“I guess that’s my fight, Michael.  And she’s worth the fight.”

Shaking his head slowly, Michael’s body flickered in and out of focus, like an old silent movie running on a continuous wheel.  The heavens faded around us into a dim light and shapes shifted and meshed together until the three of us stood before a narrow wooden doorway.

Jacob and I both stood at the opening of the room, but when he moved forward, I hesitated a moment behind him, unsure if my legs would hold me.  I know I cried aloud, I know I sobbed her name, and I know I never felt such anguish as I did then.  Grace lay before us beaten and bruised. 

Jacob slowly pulled the chains that bound her broken mangled body to the small wooden chair she sat on.  It was toppled over, and knowing Grace, she had struggled her way there, bleeding on the cold hard floor, fighting
whoever
had chained her there.  I collapsed to my knees in front of her and gently brushed her matted hair from her face.  I heard my voice whimper her name.  Her swollen battered eyes slowly blinked open to my voice.  She tried to talk, she moved her lips, but only a small cry escaped. 
If this is what Gabriel did to her soul in her subconscious, what has he been doing to her on earth for thousands of years?  What lies has he told her?  What horror has she seen while he tried to break her spirit?

Hot tears fell from my eyes, blurring my vision of her.  “Shh, baby, I
ʼm here now. 
Selah, it’s me.  I’m Shamsiel
.”  I gently gathered her in my arms.  Softly placing my lips to her forehead, I brushed my lips over her tender skin, “You’re okay, Grace, this isn’t really happening to your body, you’re just in
perdition
.  I’m so sorry.” I lifted my eyes to hers to see if she understood where she was, that Gabriel had brought her to limbo, a state of purgatory in her own mind.  Her body still lay safe, healing itself in her hospital bed, surrounded by people who loved her.

Her eyes spoke volumes to me, her body trembled and her lips tried desperately to move.  “W
hat was the gift you gave me?” she whispered.

My tears streaked faster down my cheeks,
“Shh, Baby, itʼs okay…”
Shit, she doesn’t think it’s really me.  Michael’s right…Will she still want me, love me now that I’m not an angel any longer?

“No...I need to know it
ʼs you...if after everything...itʼs you.”

Michael’s shadow fell over us, “Shamsiel, are you positive about your decision? Gabriel might still come after the girl here.  We need to take her now.”

I pulled her body closer and softly ran the tips of my fingers along her bruised face, as if I could wipe her hurt away. “Absolutely, Michael, she’s worth it.”

“So be it,” Michael whispered.  I knew he would never understand. His angelic soul had never felt the freedom and love of being in a human shell. 

Please, Grace…Selah…don’t stop loving me because I am only human now
.  “No matter what happens from here, know that I have always, I will always love you and I will protect you always.”

Her eyes grew wider and her breath came out in rough gasps. “What did you do?”

Would she ever forgive me for giving up my wings for her the minute I could have had them back?  Was Selah like all the groupies Shane was used to, just in love with me for what I was?
  Being human came with such doubts and insecurities, they were nearly crippling to me.  “If it weren’t for me, you’d be where you’re supposed to be. So this is my chance to let you start over. Itʼs over, baby.  Your punishment is over.”

Lifting her body gently, I placed her into Michael’s outstretched arms.  “Will she remember this, Michael? Will she
remember me?
”

Michael cradled her tiny body in his great big arms and immediately her bruises disappeared and her cheeks filled with a beautiful splash of crimson.  In this human form, I had lessened myself to, I envied Michael being able to heal her. That was supposed to be
my job
and it should have been me
.  But, I no longer could.  “Have her love you as Shane and only Shane.  For that, my dear lost brother, is all that you are,
for now
.  You are not to tell her who you were, not until I have a final say in this.  She may not remember any of this.”

I weighed his words carefully.  All I had to offer this beautiful creature was Shane and his pathetic selfish existence.  And the hope that one day soon, we would be absolved for all our deeds and be given entrance back home to heaven one day. 
For now, I would just be Shane
.  And I couldn’t tell her a damn thing. 
I was screwed
.  I just had to pray that she remembered all of this.