Scars and Songs (37 page)

“Forget it,” I cut in as I got myself off the floor.  “Doesn’t matter.  Someone has just got to tell me what the hell happened and who it was that actually did it.  And why the hell nobody told me that Grace woke up and that she’s okay.”

Alex looked over to Conner and Lea and held his hands up in the air in surrender.  “That’s all on Conner and Lea, dude.  I was all for telling you but…shit Shane, everybody thought you tried to hurt her, why would we tell you anything?”

I raked my hands through my hair.  None of this mattered.  And I wanted Ethan out of my room.  “Lea, can I talk to you alone for a minute?”

Alex shook his head at me, “I’m not leaving this room until I know we’re good.  And you’re okay.”

I offered Alex a smile.  “We’re good.  Now all you back stabbing losers leave.  I have to talk to Lea,” I said playfully.

They all filed out and I closed the door behind them.  I didn’t even turn to look at her. “I caught her coming out of Ethan’s bedroom this morning.  Tell me what the hell is going on, Lea.”

“I don’t know what’s going on, Shane.  She’s broken.  Shane, she locked herself in her bedroom until yesterday, when we forced her to talk to the detectives.  Then Conner, Ethan and I talked her into going to the bar.  I don’t know what the hell happened with her and Ethan.  The only thing I do know is that she knows the Shane you were before her coma was the angel that she’d been looking for, for over two thousand years and now you’re not. 
You
tell
me
what’s going on.  She thinks her angel left her,
did he, Shane?
”

I looked into her pleading eyes.  “Get this straight right now, Lea.  I am not an angel. 
I’m Shane
.  Whatever I once was, was given up,
for her
.  And I would
never
leave her.”

“Holy crap,” she smiled.  “What the hell are you waiting for then?  Go get her and tell her.”

“Yeah, sure, Lea.  I’ll get on the end of the line that starts in front of her bedroom door.  Right behind Ethan.  Besides, I can’t tell her.”

“Kind of like the line she’s been thinking she was standing in for you.  And why can’t you tell her?”

“I’m not allowed to.  End of story.”

To hell with all of it.  I gave up everything for her.  And she handed it to Ethan.
  I bolted out of my room and ran straight to her apartment with Lea yelling at me the whole way.

Flying down her hallway, I kicked my foot at her door.  Hard.  And it freaking hurt.  So what the fuck did I do?  I did it three more times.  Yeah.

“Open the door, Grace!” My yell scorched my throat like acid.  My fist pounded on the door next. 
This was it; I was fucking done with this girl, I…

Her bedroom door swung open.

Ah
.  I was struggling for air. 

I tried to take my eyes off of her.  I swear to you
I tried
.  They would have jumped out of my damn skull if I moved my sight away from her, I truly believed.  She just took my fucking breath away.  My hands gripped her doorframe, my knuckles turning white. I fought my entire body from lunging myself at her and slamming my lips against hers.  She.  Was.  In.  Her.  Underwear.

My eyes traveled slowly over her creamy
bare
legs that went on
forever
.  My heart rate just about tripled when a burst of goose bumps broke out along her skin. My gaze moved along the length of her inner thighs and gradually rose, then lingered on the tiny V-shaped black lace of her panties. My fingers itched to pull that lacy material to the side and taste her, dip my tongue deep inside her until she called out my name. My name;
no one else’s
.  I continued sweeping my eyes across her skin to her bare stomach and followed along the curves of her full breasts that were lying heavily against the lacy of her tiny bra.  Rosy, perfect nipples peeked out through the lace. My jaw twitched painfully to nip at them and I clenched my teeth together tight.  When my eyes finally found hers, my breath was heavy, my eyes wide and my arousal was throbbing against the inside of my jeans. “Ah,” was all that came out of my damn mouth.  There was no blood in my body; it was all pooled in my dick.  I thought I would fall forward with the heaviness of it. 

She placed her hands on her hips. “So, you’re banging and kicking at my door so you can just tell me...
ah?
”  Her.  Smile.  WAS.  INTOXICATING.

She slept with Ethan.  She slept with Ethan.  She slept with ETHAN.  DO NOT TOUCH
HER!
  My body leaned into her room and I had to lock my arms in place to stop myself from going any further.  “Band meeting tomorrow...at eleven...at the studio,” I whispered hoarsely. I said nothing else; I just stared into her eyes and slid my hands through my hair wishing she could have been
mine
.

Lea stepping up next to us giggling, which stopped me from completely making an ass out of myself, because I was seriously about to reach my hands out to touch her.  I glanced at Lea, who was smiling idiotically, and I stormed down the hallway away from Lea and that pure mind blowing jet black haired orgasm standing in the doorway next to her.  I believe I might have growled as I left.  Yep.

The rest of the afternoon and most of the night I spent drunk in my living room with Alex and Conner playing video games.  Well, no not drunk.  Completely and utterly trashed. 

There are only five things I remember from those hours of my life that
I will never get back
:

1)
     
I somehow ate a chocolate in the shape of a penis. 
It was delicious
.

2)
    
Beer shot out of Alex’s nose. 
Twice
.

3)
     
I explained in detail to Alex how soft Grace’s lips were. 
Then I drew him a diagram to explain it further
.

4)
    
I hid all of Tucker’s underwear in my freezer. 
I ran them under the faucet first to get them nice and wet
.

5)
    
And at some point, I had a conversation with Alex and Conner that went something like this:  “Okay, okay just shut the hell up for a minute, this is really-really important. We need to find someone to take us to
Taco Bell
. (Alex drunkenly raises his hand) Just, no–no way, you can’t drive us. You’re too drunk. So listen, I will buy whoever takes us to Taco Bell…I’ll buy them anything they want…I’ll even buy them the car.  (Alex drunkenly raised his hand again.) Alex, you want a burrito?  A burrito?  Buurrrrittttooooo, wow.  That’s just a fucking awesome word.  I’ll give gas money. (Conner says something incomprehensible) I just…shut up for a minute…if I don’t get
Taco Bell
, you’re going to see a side of me that you wished you hadn’t seen.  I know you think I’m joking, but I’m not.  I’m not.  I need…I need a fucking burrito.  From
Taco Bell
.”

I woke up the next morning on my couch with Alex slumped up against my shoulder surrounded by, I shit you not, fifty-four wrapped Taco Bell burritos and a slew of open half eaten ones.

I don’t remember eating even one of them. 

My head throbbed and my body ached, but I still threw on my running gear and forced myself to run with Conner through Central Park.  We went back to Lea’s apartment as we did every morning for coffee or water.  I prayed that Grace was still asleep.

Sweaty as hell, I leaned against their kitchen cabinets and downed an entire bottle of water as fast as I could.  I wanted to get out of there before either of the girls woke up.

As I swallowed the last gulp, my
kryptonite
walked in.  She wore an old button up lumberjack shirt that fell off her shoulders and barely reached the curves of her bottom.  Then, can you imagine what she did?  She stood on her slippered tippy-toes and reached up for a coffee cup and that old button up lumberjack shirt slid up above her ass, giving me a view that made my damn knees go weak. 
Damn, she was perfect
, and I could barely stop myself from grabbing that backside and burying myself inside…My thoughts stopped when I got an elbow in the gut from Conner, who was laughing his ass off at my expression.  I probably looked like I was already having sex with her.  Tossing my empty water bottle in the garbage, I stormed out growling. 
Yeah, I’ve been doing a lot of growling lately around her, I know
.  “Catch you later, Conner,” I called out when I reached the front door.

I sulked all the way home.  I locked myself in my bedroom, ignoring everyone who knocked on my door and listened to my iPod at an earsplitting volume.  Every song reminded me of her. 
Every song
.

I paced my room, panicking.  My anger grew and grew until I felt like my forehead was going to explode from the pressure.  How the hell was I supposed to get off this rock?  There was nothing left for me here.

I stormed into the studio at a quarter to eleven and waited.  The guys came in after me, watching me suspiciously, just waiting for me to blow.

At exactly eleven o’clock Grace opened the door to the studio. 
She didn’t have her guitar
.  My gut twisted,
this was it
.  I watched her walk in and shoot a small glance at Ethan, then smiled shyly at him.  Of course, the douchebag gave her a
‘I know what you look like naked because I banged you smile.’
  They didn’t kiss hello, which surprised me, because if I had just spent the night with her, everyone would know she was
mine
.

“There’s our gorgeous girl!” Alex called out from behind his keyboard running out from behind it to grab her in a hug and swing her around like a little kid.  It made my heart ache, that everybody was allowed to love her in their own way but
me
.

“Yea! Your casts are off,” she cheered when he let her go. 
God, she was so damn beautiful when she smiled
.

“Yeah, yesterday. Grace, my love, you look hotter than ever,” he laughed. 
Yeah, Alex, she does
.

“Fine. Let’s get this shit over,” I murmured as I stood up from the couch I was sitting on. I walked forward folding my arms across my chest. “Yeah, so Alex is back. We really don’t need another guitarist.”

Silence and glares bitch-slapped me back in the face.  But not from Grace, from Grace came a sad smile and a nod, as if she
agreed
with me.

“Whoa, what the hell?” Alex asked. “Dude, I’ll be only on keyboard now, Grace does guitar, she blows me outta the water anyway.” He gave her a wink, “Did you like when I said you
blow me
, that part?” 
Great, now I’m picturing her blowing Alex AND Ethan
.

She winked back at him, smiled and gave him an eye roll. 
She was going to be the death of me
.

Brayden walked over closer to Alex and they both glared at me, “Yeah, this is stupid. Let’s just get to practice so we can set up a gig at Boozer’s, it’s been weeks, dude.”

Screw this crap, I’m just going to say it
. I hooked my guitar strap over my shoulders and hung my guitar in front of me. I locked my eyes onto hers.  My stomach rolled, but I wanted to have my say anyway.  I was angry, I was lost, and I was completed heartbroken. “Yeah, well we got rules in this band. Nobody can sleep with another band member, so Alex stays on guitar
and
keyboard.” I held her stare, waiting for her to break, to shatter, to fall to pieces from my words.
Anything! Tell me you didn’t sleep with him, tell me you’re still Selah and I didn’t lose everything for nothing, tell me you remember me, tell me love me even though I’m not an angel any more
.  Tell me I’m enough as the damaged man I am. 

Alex’s eyebrows pulled together, “Dude, I haven’t slept with any one of you motherfuckers. You’re the pretty boy who was in jail for five fucking weeks,
Sir Fuckmebung.
”

“I didn’t sleep with any one of you guys either,” Brayden called out. “Now can we just play?”

Grace kept her silver eyes locked on mine. “Um, I think Shane is talking about me.” The room stilled. Then all eyes were on her and mouths dropped to the floor, including mine. “Well, now that that’s settled…I really did have a blast playing with you guys, and Alex,” she snapped her eyes away from mine and looked to Alex. “Anytime you want to bring your guitar over to my place, I would love to play with you. I’ll probably see you guys at the bar sometime.” Then she turned on her heels and walked out of the studio and down the hall as if she didn’t just stab me in the heart, twist the blade
and lick it fucking clean
in front of all my damn friends.  I gagged back vomit.

The studio door wasn’t even fully closed yet and Alex was yelling, “Which lucky son of a bitch got to tap that perfect ass?”

I grabbed at the microphone in front of me, switched my guitar on and started playing and singing.  Bloodhound Gang’s
Ballad of Chasey Lain. 
I just changed the words and kept the same rhythm, but I knew she would know the song.  I was no longer in control of myself.  At all.