Scars and Songs (7 page)

“I just drank too much last night. I got some bad news and I couldn
ʼt handle it,” she sighed. “Iʼll be fine. Grace is home with me so I wonʼt be alone. Thanks though.”

She picked up her eReader that rested on the edge of the couch and opened it, ending our conversation. I was going to ask her about the bad news, but I guess she assumed that I wouldn
ʼt and she started reading.
Wow, how callous and cold does she think I am?

Conner came into the room ready to go, so we just took off. I was pretty bummed that I didn
ʼt get to see Grace. She was probably a real high maintenance snob anyway and I needed to erase her completely from my mind. I couldnʼt be pining after some stupid human girl. That’s what got me in trouble in the first place.  Not that I would ever think that Selah was a stupid human, she wasn’t.  She was the most perfect soul I ever met, perfect for me anyway.  I was just so sick and worn out from this punishment.

We started a slow-paced jog and headed toward Central Park.

The park was filled with crowds of people. Some were jogging, some practicing Tai Chi on the grass, some were tourists pointing and smiling; and it was just the beginning of an icy cold February. That’s one of the things I loved so much about living in New York City; you can walk right out your front door and the world was laid out in front of you. So many different people. In a backwards way, it reminded me of heaven.

It didn
ʼt take me long to lose my train of thought and start thinking about those silver eyes again.
Damn
. “So, that girl from last night is Leaʼs old roommate?”

Conner tilted his head towards me while he ran. “Yeah, the girl you gave your shirt to. That
ʼs Grace.”

I didn
ʼt say anything else for a few minutes. Then, I couldnʼt help myself, “She got a boyfriend or anything?”

He gave me a smirk, “Why?  Are you interested in becoming one?”

“No. I was just wondering about her having one. Tucker seems to want to marry her. Is she interested in him?”

“No,” he said.

“No what?” I asked.

“No, she doesn
ʼt have a boyfriend,” he answered.

“And...what about Tucker?”
I pried.

Conner laughed. “I don
ʼt think he has a boyfriend either, but it would explain a lot if he did.”

I laughed along with him.
It would explain a lot
. “Yeah, man. I bet heʼs got a crush on Alex.”

“Hey, now,” he continued laughing. “Don
ʼt knock it. Alex is hot!” We stopped jogging, because we were laughing so much. We parked ourselves on a bench and just watched the rest of the runners pass us by.

“So, do you think she might like Tucker?” I had suddenly come down today with chronic verbal vomit of the mouth.

“Is this your ass backwards way of asking about her? What the hell, are you twelve again?”

I ran my hands through my hair, yanking hard at the ends.  “I can
ʼt get her out of my mind, bro.”

He watched me carefully. “Look, Shane, Grace is really great. She
ʼs smart, nice, pretty...all that stuff and more. But I donʼt think you are her type. Besides, sheʼs got a lot of family problems sheʼs going through right now, so I doubt dating Tucker or
anyone
is on her mind at the moment.”

Shoving me in the shoulder he asked, “Hey, how was that blonde last night? I was hoping that she and Lea were going to get into a cat fight and start ripping each other
ʼs clothes off.”
I guess I did a good job at making sure all my friends thought I was just a regular human jerk all this time
.

We laughed and raced each other back to the apartment. Lea was still on the couch reading and Grace still wasn
ʼt around. Ripping off our sweaty sweatshirts, we threw them at Lea, and then we fought each other into the kitchen, trying to get through the door at the same time.

“Immature idiots,” Lea called us sweetly from the other room. “Hey, Conner, get me a cup too. I waited for you boys!”

I watched Conner make two cups of coffee and traipse out to Lea like a man in love. I pulled my sweaty undershirt over my head and hung it around my neck. Pouring myself some coffee, I wondered if Conner knew how lucky he was. I leaned against the counter and looked up to the ceiling. The sounds of Conner and Lea giggling echoed softly to my ears.

That
ʼs when she walked in.

A wild tangle mess of sexy black hair blocked her view of me. She padded in barefoot, toes painted dark red. Her legs were long and bare. My eyes inched all the way up them. She wore a tiny pair of boy shorts that made me want to cry. My tee shirt from last night hung loosely over one beautiful bare shoulder.

She almost dropped her coffee when she turned and saw me standing there.

For the briefest time, we stood there with our eyes locked onto each other, both of us half dressed. I could have sworn I saw something behind those eyes, some sort of shared loneliness that I knew all too well. 

Conner came in and broke through the heavy silence in the room. His voice seemed canny and high-pitched; it reminded me of the real Shane scraping his nails down a chalkboard when he was a kid. He rambled on about us going jogging.

She just stared at me. I watched as her eyes flickered over me, yet she showed no emotion, no want, no need, and no interest.
Nothing
.

I was standing across from her, forcing myself not to lessen the distance between us and devour her. My gaze shifted from her eyes to her lips, her throat, her collarbone, her smooth curvy legs...

Conner rambled on. He could have been telling us that the apartment was on fire and I wouldnʼt have heard him.

“You still have my shirt on,” I croaked. I wanted her to know how much that meant, how much I would have given to be the one to be wrapped around her all night keeping her warm. My cheeks burned with heat and I smiled at how young and alive I felt standing there in front of her.  For the first time in this body, I actually felt really
human
.

“Would you like it back right now?” she whispered.

Conner shut his mouth. I leaned forward toward her. I didnʼt want her to take it off in front of Conner. She took my advance as a yes.

“Sure thing,” she sang and hopped out of the kitchen, leaving her coffee behind.  I exhaled like a man who had been holding his breath for years.  She came back in with oversized sweats on and threw my shirt at me, smacking me right in the face with it.  It plopped down into my hands.

“Thanks again,” she said as she walked away. I looked at Conner.

Conner shook his head, eyes wide. “Um, that was a tense moment. Seriously, I feel like I just watched you guys have sex with each other right in front of me. I feel dirty, and a bit horny now, thanks.” He poured more coffee into his cup and shook his head.

I gave him a serious look.  “You think sheʼs interested?”

He frowned and sipped his coffee. “Shane, I think you should leave her alone. She knows you don
ʼt have a serious bone in your body. We warned her about you. Sheʼs not some skank you pick up in a bar because youʼre in a band, sheʼs my girlʼs best friend.”

“But, it would be okay if she and Tucker hooked up?”

“Dude, Tucker wants to get married and be normal one day. You, on the other hand…” he trailed off and offered me an embarrassed look.

“Go ahead, finish your sentence,” I said.

“
Donʼt.
” Conner walked into the living room and I followed. Lea and Grace seemed to be in the middle of a serious conversation, but it stopped as soon as we entered.  Grace walked out of the room when she saw us; her eyes were red and welling with tears. 
Shit, I wanted to grab her and take her pain away.  If only I was still an angel.

“Everything okay?” Conner asked.

I felt like a jerk; this had to be about me. “Did I piss her off? Shit, I didnʼt make her cry or anything did I?” I had to say something with more of Shaneʼs real personality, “She just asked if I wanted my shirt back. Thought maybe I could get to see her almost naked again!” Most of the time I hated the person Shane had been. When he was here, he was a self-serving, pathetic drug addict, the complete opposite of who Iʼd been. Being in his body was just like being in hell.  No, actually, right now I would take the burning fires of hell over
this
.

Lea jumped off the couch, her eReader dropping heavily to the carpet. “Shane, you are the biggest
, egotistical, self-centered, man I have ever met. If you think for one minute someone like Grace would spend more than a second with you on her mind, youʼre more than stupid.” Her voice got louder. “Her brother died yesterday. Ass hat!”

She ran out of the room and Conner went right after her.

Ass hat? Her brother died yesterday?

I was standing by her side in the kitchen before I even knew I moved.  I balled my hands into fists so I could stop myself from reaching out to touch her. “I
ʼm sorry...Grace, I didnʼt mean to be a smart ass. I didnʼt know about your brother, I didnʼt mean to...”

She shook her head and sighed. 
She didnʼt even look at me
.

“I
ʼm being serious, Grace, I know how much it sucks to lose someone you care about.” I leaned in closer to her, it made me dizzy, but I wanted so badly to take away her sadness
. If I was still an angel, I could have
. “Look at me.”

She turned her head and those breathtaking silver eyes were bright red and full of tears. My eyes diverted to her lips; I couldn
ʼt look at her tears,
they were killing me
. The most disgusted expression appeared on her face. Without knowing it, I must have done something else to offend her. Maybe it was for the best. Let her think Iʼm a self-serving pig, let her go out with Tucker or some other guy who could offer her the world, not a fallen angel without a heart to offer her.

“It is what it is. You said nothing that affected me, Shane. Thanks for the condolences for my brother. Do yourself a favor. Don
ʼt bother trying to mess with my head; it’ll be a waste of your time. I won’t sleep with you. Just treat me like one of the guys and we’ll get along fine and then you won’t have to stand over me in a kitchen pretending you give a shit about anyone other than yourself.”

A thousand thoughts slammed through my head. I wanted her. I needed her. This wasn
ʼt me.  I wanted to drop to my knees and let her know I was once a god.  I wanted to touch her lips to mine and take away all her pain.  God, I just wanted to kiss her, feel her warm tongue against mine.  Looking down at the floor, I let it all go. This life was another one of my punishments. There was no way Iʼd be allowed to have any comfort; any happiness, any hope.
She must have been put here to punish me more
. “Who said I wanted to sleep with you? Youʼre just one of the guys. I donʼt
do
guys.”

Surprisingly, she cracked a beautiful smile and started laughing.

I slid my hands off the countertop, dropped them to my sides and backed away from her. “Although, I have to admit. You are the sexist guy Iʼve ever met.”

Then I walked out of the room before I threw myself on her and kissed her.

I collapsed onto the couch and hung my head in my hands. My body shivered and I wasnʼt cold. It just wanted to be near her.
So this would be my second visit to hell, huh?
They couldnʼt contain me in my prison any longer and brought me back to earth. Made me think there was a chance at forgiveness, but there was only a reminder of what I could never have, a reminder of everything Iʼd lost and more.

Conner and Lea made their way out into the living room again. Lea and I apologized to each other. They curled up on one of the chairs and cuddled. I watched them in awe.

Grace came in a few minutes after and sat on the couch with me. Lea flipped through the channels on the television. 
Nope, no giant elephant in this room
.

My phone started going off immediately. A dozen text messages from Ethan telling me more about Tucker and his exploits from the night before. 

After a while, Grace stood up and went to the door, bent down and picked up sneakers.

Lea sat up. “Where are you going? We were going to go to the bar again tonight around ten.” She gave a nod towards me. “His band is playing again. Want to hang out again? I
ʼll let you get drunk this time and hold your hair back,” she pleaded.

“I
ʼm getting antsy. I thought Iʼd go for a run,” Grace answered, not looking up from putting on her sneakers.

I gave up texting Ethan and tossed my phone onto the table.
She likes to jog, huh?

“Well, what about hanging with me tonight? We haven
ʼt seen each other in six months, and I missed you!” Lea whined.

“I don
ʼt know. Iʼll see how I feel after my run. If youʼre not here when I get back, Iʼll text you.” She hurried out of the room and out of the front door.