Scars of the Present (13 page)

Chapter Eighteen

The 4
th
of July shift at the hospital turned out to be the busiest one I had worked yet. The emergency room was constantly packed full of people who had a range of ailments, the most popular probably being burns from illegal fireworks. I worked behind the desk and helped get people admitted and insurance paperwork filled out, but by the time I was able to leave, I was exhausted.

I walked out to my car and pulled my phone out of my purse to check my missed calls. My mom had called almost ten times, obviously thinking that I would change my mind and still go to the party. I decided not to call her back and instead just drove home.

The apartment was empty when I got there, but I had known it would be. Maddie and Josh had left for San Francisco that morning, and Amanda had left early to take her mom to the nursing home party. I had prepared myself though, and I set a bag on the counter that had a new bottle of wine, and two movies I had rented from the kiosk.

After I had changed into my pajamas, I reheated some leftover pizza from the night before, uncorked my wine, and sat down to watch a new comedy. I made myself comfortable on the couch and celebrated my own version of Independence Day.

About halfway through the movie, and the bottle of wine, someone knocked on the door. I stood up, putting my wine glass down, and opened the door happily.

Sean stood there with a smile on his face, and I gave him a grin.

“Hey! Come in.” I went back to the couch and sat back in my spot as he came in and shut the door.

“Maddie mentioned you were here alone, so I thought I’d come to make sure you weren’t sad about it. But you kind of look the opposite.” He sat on the other section of the couch and took a bite of the pizza I hadn’t eaten.

“Good ol’ vino will do that to you,” I said, gesturing to the wine glass.  “How have you been?”

He shrugged. “I’m okay. I’ve been taking some summer classes to try to get ahead. There’s a law firm in San Jose that has already promised me an internship if I have the required credits by the end of fall.”

I just stared at him for a moment before reaching over to tousle his hair. “You’re such a smarty pants. So you would move to San Jose?”

“Probably, but I’m not ruling out local firms though. Now that dad has Linda, I don’t feel as bad about taking something out of the city.”

I stood to grab the bottle of wine and poured myself a little more. “I’d miss you though.”

He laughed and took the bottle from me. “No more, Syd. And I hardly see you anymore. You would be okay.”

I sat back against the couch and sighed. “Life was so much simpler three months ago.”

“No it wasn’t.” He shook his head. “You can pretend like you thought it was, but you weren’t happy, Sydney. You’re happy when you’re with your friends, but the happiest and most carefree I’ve ever seen you was that night at the bowling alley.”

I frowned and just looked at him.

“I wish that I had been able to be the one to make you that happy, but I’ve accepted that I’m not that for you. Then I saw you that night at the club and you were in so much pain. Love like that is all consuming; it can either make you or break you.”

I scoffed and put my wine glass down. “Who said anything about love?”

“It emanates off you, Sydney. Whether you like it or not, you are capable of loving people.” Sean stood and put the cork back in the bottle before putting it up in the cupboard. He walked back over to where I was sitting on the couch and kissed the top of my head. “You and I might not be right for each other relationship wise, but you are one of my closest friends, and I’m always here for you. Always.”

He went to the door, waved, and left.

I frowned at the door while trying to process everything Sean had said. I suddenly wished I hadn’t had so much wine. Sean loved me, but had accepted I didn’t love him because I apparently loved David so much that it was consuming me.

I laughed at my thought process because it sounded ridiculous. Or maybe I laughed because it was so simple and true.

Amanda came home a little after nine, and by that time I was on my second movie and the wine buzz was started to dissipate. She settled on the couch with me to watch the movie, not saying a word. When the movie was over, I sat up and yawned.

“How was the party?”

Amanda let out a deep breath and smiled. “Really good actually. My mom looked like she had a lot of fun and was disappointed when we left. I think she’s going to like living there.”

“Oh Amanda, that’s great. Does that make you feel any better?” I changed seats so I was sitting next to her.

She relaxed against me and didn’t reply for a moment. “Yes, it does. I talked to some of the staff there, and they’re all amazing. Plus, they all know I’ll be interning with other Social Workers and so that kind of instills a fear into them.”

“Kind of like having that police officer living two buildings over, and so his car is always parked in the lot.” I rationalized slowly.

“Exactly. Just knowing a police officer lives here deters thieves, so knowing they have a mother of a social worker should deter neglect.” She paused. “But I really like what I’ve seen so far.”

“So when is she moving in for sure?” I stood, grabbing my dinner plate and glass to take into the kitchen.

“Two weeks. Jenny doesn’t start with her new client until then, and I didn’t want her to be out of work.” Amanda said, talking about her mother’s live-in nurse. “I just hope she likes it.”

“I bet she will, and hopefully once you see that you will be able to relax a little bit.” I leaned against the back the couch and gave her a teasing smile.

“Hopefully. Okay, I’m going to go to bed. It’s been a long day.” She squeezed my hand before standing and heading into her bedroom.

I went to bed too, but it was a long time before I fell asleep as I replayed Sean’s words over in my head.

The weekend passed by uneventfully, and by the time I went to bed Sunday night I was excited to go to the hospital to keep busy.

Monday morning I had set my alarm, but that wasn’t what woke me up.

“Sydney.” Someone was shaking me lightly, and I was ready to kill them. “Sydney, wake up.”

“Nooo,” I whined, keeping my eyes closed. “Why?”

“Sydney, your mom is here.”

I snapped up, almost head-butting Amanda, and I groaned. “Seriously?”

She nodded. “She showed up about five minutes ago and demanded to speak with you.”

“Damn it,” I spit, jumping up and grabbing my robe. “This should be fun.”

I walked out to the living room with Amanda following behind me. She continued on, heading towards her bedroom, and I stopped at the couch. My mom was looking at some photos we had handing on the wall by the TV, and I took the opportunity to glare at her back.

“Mother,” I said curtly, and she turned to face me.

Her face was a mask of irritation, and I fought to keep my own annoyance at bay.

“Sydney. Did you think your little stunt on Friday was cute?” Her tone was so full of disdain, and it was hard to believe a mother could dislike her daughter so much.

“It wasn’t meant to be cute, mother. I told you I wasn’t going. I’m your daughter, not a fucking prop.”

The palm of her hand met my cheek so fast and so forcefully that I stumbled back. She had slapped me across the face before, but never so hard that it felt similar to a punch.

“You will watch your mouth, young lady.”

I covered my cheek with my hand and just looked at her in surprise.

“Sydney, are you okay?” Amanda was suddenly beside me, her hazel eyes ignited as she stared at my mom. “You touch her again and I will call the police.”

“I hope you enjoy living like a pauper, Sydney, because you are cut off. If you don’t want to act like a Lewis, you won’t live like a Lewis.” My mom stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her.

“God, she’s a bitch. Are you okay?” Amanda pulled my hand off my cheek and inspected it.

“She’s got quite the arm on her,” I said, trying to instill a little humor in the situation. “I’m okay. It stung like hell though.”

I ducked into the bathroom Amanda and Maddie shared and looked in the mirror. The red mark on my cheek was distinctively shaped like her hand, and I lightly touched it with my finger. I hissed in pain and sighed.

“She’s fucking crazy.”

“What are you going to do?” Amanda handed me a wrapped ice pack and I held it to my face.

“I’ve got some money in my savings account that should hold me over for a few months, but I suppose I should start looking for a job.” I replied with a shrug. “Especially since I won’t be going to school this fall- not that I’m complaining.”

Twenty minutes later, Amanda went for her run, leaving me to nurse my sore face, and I thought about calling my dad to see if he had effectively disowned me as well. I decided against it, figuring he had never stood up to my mother before and probably wouldn’t now. Instead I got ready for my shift at the hospital, applying powder to my cheek to try to hide the handprint.

No one mentioned my cheek as we worked, although a few people did cast glances my way. I had worked really hard to keep my image professional at work, and I was irritated with my mom for threatening that with her temper. The red hand print had faded, but a faint purple bruise brushed along the cheekbone.

“Sydney.” I looked up and the director, Mary, was standing in front of me. “Can you come with me to my office, please?”

“Yeah, of course.” I forced a smile on my face and put the paperwork I was working on the desk before following her. I absentmindedly ran by hand down my cheek, wincing when my fingers brushed the tender bone. I wasn’t sure what she wanted to talk to me about, but I really hoped it wasn’t about that.

I stepped into the elevator behind Mary, and she pushed the button for the fifth floor before smiling at me.

“Did you have a good weekend?”

“Oh yes. It was uneventful but good. How was yours?” I kept my face turned so that she couldn’t see my cheek. I listened as she rambled on about her weekend, smiling politely when it was appropriate. We moved off the elevator and she led me to her office, waving for me to sit down in the chair opposite her desk.

“Sydney, I wanted to talk to you about your position here. I know you had said that you were only planning on volunteering for the summer, but we have been extremely happy with the work you’ve done.” Mary paused for a moment, flashing me a grin. “I have Junior Business Administrator spot that I need to fill, and I wonder if you might be interested? I know you mentioned going to graduate school this fall, and we could see about working around your schedule.”

I nodded my head quickly. “I’m definitely interested. I’ve loved working here for the past five weeks and have been thinking about pursuing it career-wise.”

Mary clapped her hands together in delight. “Perfect! Let me get with HR and we will figure it all out.”

I wanted to jump for joy on the elevator ride back down, and I decided to detour at the Labor and Delivery floor to find Linda. She was standing at the nursing station doing paperwork and I all but skipped up to her.

“They offered me a real job here!”

Linda turned in confusion, and when she saw me her face broke into a smile. “Oh, I knew they would,” she said as she pulled me in for a hug. “Congratulations sweetheart.” She pulled back to look at me and gasped. “What happened to your face?”

I put my hand to my cheek, as if to hide it after the fact, and opened my mouth to lie.

“And don’t you dare lie to me.”

I snapped my mouth closed, and Linda gave me a knowing look.

“My mom,” I mumbled, looking down at the floor.

“Your mother?” Linda’s eyebrow rose in shock momentarily and then her face contorted with anger. “That woman does not deserve a sweet daughter like you.”

I let her fuss over me for a few more minutes and after she decided that I would, in fact, live from my injuries, I went back down to the ER. I picked up the work I had been doing before Mary had talked to me and decided not to let my mom ruin a great day.

Chapter Nineteen

I started working as a bona-fide employee the following week and fell into the roll easily. I had been given different departments to oversee, splitting them with the other Junior Administrator.

On Monday, Linda had declared that she was taking me out to dinner to celebrate my new job, and I was fairly certain she was trying to make up for my mom’s behavior. I didn’t dwell on it, though, and instead enjoyed the evening out at a local restaurant surrounded by my surrogate family.

After dinner, Amanda and I walked through the parking lot to my car, and I linked my arm through hers.

“I think that you should have given him a chance. He was cute.” I grinned at Amanda, talking about the guy who had been two tables from ours. Even though he was with a date, he had spent his entire dinner making seductive faces towards Amanda. By the time he and his date finally left, Matt had looked ready to strangle him, and Maddie and I had already begun teasing Amanda.

“If you’re not nice I’m going to go find him and slip him your phone number,” Amanda warned and I started giggling.

“Don’t tempt me! He…” I trailed off as a familiar car came into view. The silver Subaru had just parked about six spots down from my BMW, and I slowed as we neared it.

David was coming around the side of the car, stopping to open the passenger door. He offered up his hand to someone and helped her out of the car.

My feet froze on their own, and Amanda followed my gaze, stiffening when she noticed what I was looking at. David and his date turned and started walking towards the entrance, which Amanda and I happened to be right in the path of. They were speaking softly, and he jerked to a stop when he saw Amanda and me standing there.

My chest felt like someone had taken a hammer to it, and I tried to tell myself to keep walking. His date was dressed in a pretty red dress, and her black hair fell down her back. I noticed that she was probably about the same height as Amanda, and the two of them seemed to fit together perfectly. He wasn’t holding her hand, but she had grasped his forearm tightly.

“Sydney.” His voice sounded surprised, and I had forgotten how much I loved the sound of it. His hair looked slightly longer than it had almost two weeks before, and he was wearing a nice pair of slacks with a dress shirt.

“David.” My voice sounded small and unlike my own.

My arm was still linked in Amanda’s and she tugged on me so I’d start moving again.

“Come on, Syd, just keep walking.” Her voice was a whisper, meant for only me to hear, but I saw David’s eyes dart to Amanda briefly.

I offered up a tiny wave and walked with Amanda towards my car. Once we had moved about three spots, I glanced over my shoulder. David was standing in the same spot with his head down, and his date was saying something to him quietly.

Amanda took my keys out of my hand and I fell into the passenger seat. When we backed out, David and his date were gone.

“I think in the back of my mind, I really thought we’d get past it.” I said quietly in the dark cab.

“Me too, Syd. I’m sorry.”

I just stared out the window silently, lamenting in the knowledge that it truly was over between us.

–––

“No. Definitely not.”

Maddie and Amanda both shook their heads quickly, and I twirled again before doubling over with laughter. The frumpy bridesmaid dress I was modeling was hideous, but had somehow made it on the rack of things to try. Looking in the mirror I couldn’t tell if I was Mary who had the little lamb or the lamb itself.

“Why would anything need that much tulle?” Amanda asked, picking up a layer from my waist. “Go take it off before it merges with your body and you become the tulle monster.”

July was almost over and we were on our third bridal shop, not having found anything Maddie deemed perfect for us or herself.

“Madelyn, try this one on. It’s not as modern as the ones you’ve had, but I found it deep in the racks.” Linda walked back into the changing area with a dress draped over her arms. She glanced at me and stopped, a smile on her face. “That’s, um, flattering, Sydney.”

We all burst out laughing and I did another exaggerated twirl before dancing back into the dressing room.

I changed again, sauntering out of the dressing room in a simpler dress. The soft chiffon fabric fell to my knees, the neckline plunged tastefully, and it was lacking in the tulle department. Amanda exited her dressing room wearing the same dress, and we giggled at each other.

“I like this one,” I turned Amanda around so I could look at the back.

“Me too.” Amanda ran her hands down the dress and glanced in the mirror. “I really like this one.”

Linda stepped out of the main dressing room, and Maddie followed behind a few seconds later wearing a white, satin gown that had the perfect amount of lace over it. Its halter top left the back completely open, and she looked gorgeous.

“Wow,” I said, choking back the tears that welled up in my eyes. “You look amazing.”

Linda stared at her only daughter, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. “You really do.”

Maddie stepped onto the platform and peering into the mirrors that came from all directions. “This is it,” she whispered to herself.

After a minute, Amanda and I flanked her and I gave my nod of approval. “You’re getting this one right?”

“Oh yeah,” Maddie grinned at me in the mirror. “And you guys are getting those ones.”

After everyone was measured for alterations, we dressed and got ready to leave. Amanda was talking to the seamstress quietly as they went over her alterations.

“You ready?” I asked from behind her, raising my eyebrows when she jumped at the sound of my voice.

“Yeah, I just wanted to accentuate my boobs a bit more with the alterations.” She fell into step beside me and we headed out to Linda’s car where she and Maddie were waiting.

I climbed into the backseat with Amanda and Linda spoke first. “So now that dresses are picked, what’s left?”

“Flowers and cake, but Josh and I have appointments to do that on Tuesday. He’s supposed to be doing his tux today with Matt and Sean, but they went to play basketball beforehand and probably never left.” Maddie turned in her seat to look at us, that same grin still on her face. “I booked our hotel for the third weekend in August. I hope those are the right dates.”

We had decided to take our girls-only trip to the Oregon coast and were spending three nights on the beach. We were planning on sightseeing, taking in a Pink concert, and just being together one last time as three bachelorettes. Amanda and Maddie would both start their jobs right after we got back, and it was truly the last time we’d all be together as we are.

“Yup. I booked our flights last night and bought our concert tickets,” I said, returning her smile. “We just need to get a rental car situated and we should be good to go.”

“How much were the tickets?” Amanda asked.

I waved my hand dismissively at her. “This is my contribution for the trip.”

Both of them had been worried about me financially, no matter how much I told them I was fine. My mom had made good on her threats and drained the checking account I had been using for years. I was just thankful I’d established a savings account a few years prior and had slowly been saving any money I earned on my own. Luckily the car was in my name, because she had tried to take that too. I hadn’t heard from her directly since the day in my apartment, and my father hadn’t attempted to contact me either.

Neither of them responded, but I saw a look flitter between them that had me rolling my eyes.

After we had lunch at a local Mexican food restaurant, Linda dropped us by the apartment and headed back to her house. I threw myself on the couch and watched TV as Maddie and Amanda both got ready for work.

Maddie stepped into the living room wearing her serving outfit and she gave me a melancholy smile.

“I can’t believe this is my last shift.”

Both Maddie and Amanda were working their last parties that night, and although I knew Amanda wouldn’t miss it, Maddie was having a hard time detaching from her old life. 

“Yeah, but in one month you’ll be Ms. Thomas, third grade teacher.” I grinned up at her.

“Student teacher,” she corrected me, but her smile stretched into a grin, too. “I really hate that for the next six months I’m going to have to count on Josh to pay all of the bills. Student teachers should really get paid.”

I reached out and pinched her shoulder softly. “In two months you’re going to be Mrs. Richards, Mads. He’s going to be your husband and husbands help support their wives. You’re so stubborn. Besides, what bills do you bring with you? Your cell phone?”

Amanda appeared wearing a matching uniform and picked up her purse. “Don’t even bother, Syd. She’s dead set on the fact that she’s going to be a financial drain on her husband. I told her she can pay him in sex and she hit me.”

“That makes me sound like a prostitute!” Maddie gasped. “Stop saying that!”

I laughed as they walked out the front door arguing, and I turned off the TV so the apartment was silent. Three months ago I couldn’t have handled the silence, especially on a Saturday night, and I would have been getting dressed for the club already. Tonight the silence still bothered me, but I had no desire to go to the club. I hadn’t had sex with anyone since the last time David and I had that moment of weakness before the 4
th
of July, and that was the longest I’d gone since I started college.

I went to the fridge to grab a drink and thirty minutes later I was replacing the, now clean, shelves that went inside it. I gave the sparkling refrigerator an approving nod and closed the door. I pulled the trash bag out of the can and set out down the stairs to throw it in the dumpster.

When I was heading back to the apartment, I saw my dad getting out of his Mercedes. He caught sight of me and didn’t move for a moment, but then he held up a hand to wave. I gestured him to follow me, and we sat at the dining room table across from each other.

I spoke first, just wanting to break the awkward silence. “Hi dad.”

“Hello Sydney.” He sighed. “I’m sorry I haven’t been in communication this month.”

I shrugged and picked at my fingernails. “I expected it after that visit from mom.”

“Your mother,” he paused, as if trying to find the right words. “lacks compassion.  And I lack the courage to stand up to her during those times. When I met your mom, she was a force to be reckoned with.” He smiled at the memory. “She was every bit as fierce as you are, and I was drawn to her amazing energy. When you were born, Sydney, I had never seen a more proud mother.”

I scoffed. The thought of my mom embracing motherhood in any way was laughable.

“I know it might seem hard to imagine now, but she loved you from the moment she found out she was pregnant with you. She doted on you, and she would have laid down her own life if it meant you’d be happy. When you were about eighteen months old, her mother and father died in a car accident, and she became depressed. She had been so close to them and blamed herself because they were coming to Sacramento at her request. The weather had been terrible, and they still attempted to make the drive. They eventually went off the interstate going over Donner Pass, and your mom never forgave herself.”

I had never heard this story. We had pictures of my grandparents that hung around the house, but mom never talked about them.

“She was so depressed and I tried to get her help, but she refused. That spring, right before you turned two, she took you to the park. She tried to battle through her depression to be a good mom, she really did. I watched as she slowly slipped away before my eyes. That day in the park she was so weighted down under her sadness that when she looked up to find you, you were gone.”

“Gone?” I glanced up at him, confused.

“Gone. That was the worst phone call I had ever received, the police telling me my toddler had disappeared from the park. Alerts went out, search dogs were brought in, and your mother was a mess. She had to be sedated because she was so hysterical from her fear and panic. You were gone about six hours before they found you almost four miles away. You had just wandered off on your own, and your mom hadn’t even noticed. You were okay- dirty, hungry, cold, but okay considering. Your mom was never the same. She hired the first nanny two weeks later and she distanced herself from you. Maybe she thought if she did that, you’d be safe from whatever demons she battled. Or maybe she thought that she’d be safe from the heartbreak if she lost you. I don’t know.”

I shook my head and wiped a tear that fell down my cheek. “That’s not fair to me.”

My dad reached over and grabbed my hand in his. “It’s not, Sydney, not at all. I am just as to blame, I should have pushed harder to get her help. But I was so afraid of losing her that I thought she’d heal on her own. I was working so much that I wasn’t the best dad to you, and soon it had just become routine that the help cared for you. I’ve walked on eggshells with your mom for twenty years, but I can’t let her do this to you anymore.”

“It wasn’t fair.” My voice was a whisper as I repeated myself. “I just wanted you guys to love me. Anybody to love me. I’ve lost the best man I’ve ever met because I can’t bring myself to love him.”

“Sydney, you are one of the most loving people I’ve ever met.” Dad stood, switching chairs so he was right next to me. He cupped my chin in his hand and held eye contact with me. “Even if you don’t know it, you are. You have that same passion for loving people your mom had, but yours is locked up like hers. It’s going to destroy you like it’s destroyed her if you don’t let it out.”

He pulled me into his arms, and I cried like I was five-years-old again. I don’t know how long he held me, rocking me and making reassuring sounds, but by the time we parted I felt exhausted. My dad wiped his own face and gave me a smile.

“Tell me about this boy. Is it the Thomas boy?”

I shook my head and blew my nose on a napkin. “Do you remember the Detective from the Police fundraiser?”

His eyes twinkled and he nodded.

I told him a little bit about David, but sighed when I was done. “He’s moved on, daddy.”

“Then he’s an idiot, Sydney. Don’t go down without a fight. You absolutely deserve the best.” I had never heard my dad sound so sure of something that wasn’t a business deal and for the first time, I felt like I was important to him.

He stayed for a little while longer, just asking about my life. When he stood up to leave, he pulled me into another hug, kissing the top of my head gently.

“I don’t know if your mom will ever be the mother she once was, but I told her she needed to get help or that we were going to have to get a divorce. Twenty years is too long to hold onto whatever she’s battling. I’ve reinstated your accounts, Sydney, and I hope that the damage your mother caused by pulling the support isn’t lasting.”

“I don’t need your money, dad, and it felt great to be independent for once.”

“Well, it’s there if you need it, anyway. As is the job at my firm, of course.” He hesitated. “Although if you feel the hospital is the place where you want to be, I will support your decision.”

I hugged him as tight as I could, not realizing how much his approval meant to be until that moment. When he left, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I needed to tell someone.

I sat on my bed with my phone in my hand, staring at the name ‘Ralph’ in my phone. I moved my finger to initiate the call, and then I remembered his date. I placed my phone on the nightstand next to my bed and decided just to bathe in my parental-love glow alone.