Scratch (48 page)

Why was I starting a fight? ‘I know, sorry. It’s just me being a prick again.’

‘Should we change the subject?’ Paula asked, olive branch in hand.

‘It might be wise.’

‘How’s work?’

‘Not too bad, actually. Kate really is thick as mince if she couldn’t deal with the admin.; it’s a piece of piss. She is good behind the bar, right enough.’

‘Perfect partnership, then?’

‘So far,’ I agreed. ‘I even managed to pin Sammy down about how much he’s paying me.’

‘And?’

I shrugged. ‘Better than a barman, not quite as good as a lying fuck like I used to be. I don’t know if I can live on it, but I can live with it.’

‘I’m feckin’ shitting myself about work.’ Paula’s start date had finally come through from the University. She had been instructed to report for duty in two weeks.

‘You’ll be fine. You used to run one; working in one should be a doddle.’

‘I didn’t run a University, slight difference in scale.’

‘You get to teach without worrying about paying the gas bill. What’s bad about that?’

‘Nothing, I suppose.’

‘You’ll be fine, it’s only a job.’

‘I feckin’ hope so.’

‘You will. Anyway, I was thinking about
Garnethill
, what do you reckon?’

‘Hmm. It’s near the Uni.’

‘Not that far from the west end either,’ I pointed out.

‘What’s the flat like?’

‘No idea,’ I said. ‘Haven’t actually seen one advertised. I just thought it might be a decent place to think about looking.’

‘Feck, Jim, you got my hopes up there.’

‘Sorry.’ I grinned. ‘Progress is progress; at least we’re agreed on something.’

‘Fair play,’ Paula said, smiling. ‘Do you ever get the feeling this should all be a lot easier than it is?’

‘Only most days,’ I said.

Chapter 28

‘You’re late, Mr Cooper.’

‘Sorry, Sam. Bloody buses.’

‘I’ll believe you once,’ Sammy said. ‘C’mon, we’ve got work to do.’

Today was the day Sammy introduced me to the intricacies, foibles, dangers and, most importantly, passwords, of the brewery’s intranet system. With the knowledge I was about to be made privy to I would be in a position to report, and potentially manipulate, every aspect of The Basement’s business. I would have access to financial projections, staffing costs, stock reports and forecasts, EHO recommendations, personnel files, competitor assessments, takings discrepancies and all sorts of weird percentages and other numbers that allowed someone in an office somewhere in
England
to justify their job.

Meh.

Halfway through his presentation, Sammy said, ‘This is a big thing, Jim, you need to pay attention.’

‘I am.’

‘You don’t look like you are.’

‘Well I am.’

‘I may test you afterwards.’ Sammy gave me a look.

‘I’d expect no less from you, Sam.’

‘Are you okay?’ Sammy stopped playing with the mouse and turned to me.

‘I’m fine,’ I said.

‘Has something happened with Paula?’

‘No.’

‘You’re a shit liar, Jim.’ Sammy turned fully in his chair to face me. ‘What did you do?’

‘What? Nothing!’ Sam narrowed his eyes. ‘Honestly, I haven’t done anything,’ I said.

‘So what’s wrong?’

‘Probably nothing,’ I said. Sam’s eyes narrowed even further. He was almost as good as Simon Fraser at digging the truth from you. And making you keep talking when you didn’t want to. ‘I was on the phone to Paula last night and she …’

‘What?’

‘It was nothing,’ I said again, hoping I was right. ‘She was a bit distant, that’s all. She only stayed on the phone for five minutes then said she needed to phone Andrea and had to go.’

‘Andrea
is
a high maintenance lady, Jim.’

I chuckled. ‘I know, I’ve heard. Shit, I don’t know, Sam. I can’t relax with anything until it’s all out in the open, you know? Her mum and dad still don’t know, fucking
Ingo
still doesn’t know. It’s been what, five months, and there’s still all this shit getting in the way. I just want to
start
. The lead up’s been fun, but it’s time to
start
.’

Sammy looked at me calmly. ‘Jim, listen. I haven’t spoken to Paula for a few days, but as far as I’m aware she wants exactly the same things as you do. She doesn’t like what’s happening any more than you, but she has more balls in the air, so to speak.’ He couldn’t help it, he made a gay face. ‘But that wee lassie only wants a life she can be happy with, a life she can be proud of. If she’s decided she can have that with you then you need to let her work out all the other nonsense she’s dealing with in whatever way she has to. Just give her the time, Jim. It’s only time. If you’re pathetic enough to admit you’ve been waiting twelve years then another couple of weeks or months shouldn’t be that big a deal.’

‘Thanks for throwing
pathetic
in there, Sam, it’s much appreciated.’

‘Sorry, I had to pull something back for the
balls in the air
comment. I didn’t mean that one.’

‘Understood,’ I said. ‘So, am I being a bam?’

‘It wouldn’t be the first time, would it?’

‘Thanks for pointing that out.’

‘I don’t know anything except this, Jim. Paula’s not a liar and she’s not someone who would mess you about. If she says she loves you, she means it.’

I nodded. ‘Thanks Sam, that helps.’

‘Good. Now get your fucking brain back in the room please, you’ve got very boring
computery
things to memorise.’

Meh.

Chapter 29

It wasn’t so bad after all. Things were a bit strained, I was still a bit tongue-fucked, but it was only real life, nothing to worry too much about.

The future was still going to happen, it just hadn’t happened yet.

Life wasn’t beautiful, but it would be.

That was good enough for me.

And then.

***

‘Can we get a table?’ Paula asked. She looked paler than usual, drawn. Her hair was too short for a pony-tail these days.

‘Yeah, no bother,’ I said. ‘Give me five minutes; I need to check the till.’

‘Okay.’ Paula lifted her coke and headed for
Gryff
.

I blundered into the office and threw-up in the bin.

‘Jim?’ Kate said.

I wiped my mouth. ‘Sorry.
D’you
think you could do the till for me?’

‘Not a problem, as long as you take that bin out and burn it.’

‘I promise I will. Later.’

‘What’s going on?’ Kate said, scared more than worried.

‘I think I’m about to have my soul cut out with a jaggy spoon,’ I said. ‘See you later.’

I fumbled the office door open, and barely managed to avoid causing Lucy a criminal injury as I barged out of the bar.

‘Hi-lo,’ I mumbled to Paula, trying to say
hi
and
hello
at the same time as I crashed on to the chair opposite her.

She looked at me in the most horrible, tragic, sad, scared, sorry, sympathetic and worried way imaginable. It was the most remarkable facial expression I’ve ever seen.

‘Hi,’ she said.

‘You okay?’ I said.

‘No.’

‘Didn’t think so. What’s happening?’

‘I spoke to Ingo yesterday.’

‘Okay.’ There was a miniature helicopter churning my brain from the inside. I had a horrible image of lumpy French-Toast in my head.

‘Isaak died.’

‘Sorry.’

‘He left Ingo some money,’ Paula said.

‘That’s nice.’

‘Enough to pay the school’s debts off.’

‘Okay.’

‘Enough to get it up and running again.’

‘Right.’

Have you ever watched one of those George Romero movies with the mindless zombies who wander the world aimlessly looking for brains to eat? I felt like one of them, except it was my own brain I wanted to devour. I wanted to stop thinking; I most certainly wanted to stop feeling.

‘I can get my life back, Jim,’ Paula said. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t cheerful. ‘I didn’t know this would happen.’

I couldn’t speak.

‘Say something,’ Paula said, which made me smile, slightly.

‘What should I say?’ I hadn’t worked up the courage to look her in the eye yet.

‘I don’t … feck … I don’t know.’ Paula wasn’t cold, she wasn’t being harsh. She
was
sorry.

Not that it was any comfort.

‘So you’re going back, to Ingo?’

‘No, Jim. I’m going back to
Germany
; I’m going back to my life, to my business.’

‘To Ingo.’

‘
No
. I told him I wasn’t going back as his wife, only as his business partner. This isn’t about Ingo, Jim, it’s about my life; it’s about what I spent five years working my arse off for.’

‘So we’re just done, is that it? It was a nice idea but something better came along?’

‘I didn’t know this was going to happen, Jim.’

‘I didn’t know we were optional, Paula. I didn’t know I was a second preference. You forgot to mention I was a fall-back.’

‘You were never a fall-back, Jim. My life is in
Germany
, yours isn’t. That’s just a shitty fact.’

‘I thought my life was you,’ I said. ‘I didn’t know there was a geographical element involved.’

‘So what, you want to move to Germany? You don’t know the language, you don’t know the culture. What would you do for work? And I know you don’t want to leave
Glasgow
. This is your home.’

‘Do you
want
me to come with you?’ I looked her in the eye now.

For once, I’d found the nub of the matter; I’d boiled the shit of life down to this one, essential question. I was in love with this woman; she said she was in love with me. We had a massive obstacle in our path but love could still prevail. Her next word would tell me everything I would ever need to know.

‘No,’ Paula said.

Chapter 30