Screen Burn (55 page)

Kay, Vernon: presents
Boys and Girls
,  
1
;

hums theme tune until viewer contemplates mass murder,
2
;

contracts bubonic plague,
1

Kelly, Lorraine,
1
,
2

Kelly, Matthew,
1

Kemp, Martin,
1

Kemp, Ross: stares at knotholes,
1
;

kills  people,
2
;

with Martin Kemp,
1
;  

mentioned alongside Pac-Man,
1
;  

unsuitability for timelord role,
1

Kensit, Patsy: gets bum licked clean by
Bo’ Selecta
,
1

Kenyon Confronts
(BBC1),
1

Kenyon, Paul,
1

Kielty, Patrick: enjoys Christmas,
1
;  

notional teacup antics fail to impress,  
2

Kilroy
(BBC1),
1
,
2
;

like waiting for a  bus,
3

Kilroy-Silk, Robert: as antichrist,
1
;

as  evil presence,
2
;

as Judge Death,
1

Kim (24),
1

King, Jonathan: plays zulu,
1
;

as sexual  predator,
2
;

complains to author,
1

Kirsty’s Home Videos
(Sky One),
1

Knoxville, Johnny,
1

Kylie Entirely
(C4),
1

LA Pool Party
(BBC Choice),
1
,
2
,  
3
,
4

Late Night With Letterman
(ITV2),
1

The Learning Zone
(BBC2),
1

Lennon, John: attacked by viking,
1
;  

inspires monumental bullshit,
2

Leno, Jay,
1

Les Dawson’s Lost Diaries
(C4),
1

Leslie, John: attacks contestant with  broom,
1
;

masks erection,
2
;

chat-up lines of,
1
;

considered fortunate  by taxi driver,
1
;

noticeably absent,  
229 

Linda Green
(BBC1),
1

Lineker, Gary,
1

Lipstick Years: Sec’s Appeal
(BBC2),
1

Little Britain
(BBC3),
1
,
2
,
3

Littlejohn, Richard: wrecks planet,
1
;

warrants dishonorable mention,
2
;  

relationship with French,
1
;

gets  slagged off again,
340

Lloyd, Sian,
1

The Long Firm
(BBC2),
1

Looking
4
Love
(BBC Choice),
1

Love On A Saturday Night
(ITV1),
1

Luvvies: The Awards The Stars Don’t Want To Win
(ITV1),
1
,
2

Luxton, Charlie,
1

Lydon, John: likened to pantomime dame,
1
;

in Australia,
2
,
3

Lynam, Desmond,
1

Lyndhurst, Nicholas,
1

Lythgoe, Nigel: orders gammon steak,  
1
;

resembles Admiral Ackbar,
2
;  

remains unmoved,
1
;

outdone by girl,
1
;

chickens out,
1
;

oozes glamour,  
1

MacGowan, Shane,
1

Maconie, Stuart,
1

Madeley, Richard: ubiquity of,
1
;

impersonates  Ali G,
2

Making The Band
(C4),
1
,
2

Manhunter
(Sky One),
1

Marquess of Bath: stomach-churning artworks of,
1

Marsden, Dr John,
1

Marven, Nigel,
1

Masters of Darkness: Rasputin
(C4),
1

Mayall, Rik,
1

McAndrew, Nell,
1

McCall, Davina: omnipresence of,
1
;  

grating voice of,
2
;

depressed by,
1
;

begged to consider eight-year  sabbatical,
1
;

replaced by Kate  Thornton,
1

McCoy, Sylvester,
1
,
2

McCririck, John,
1

McDonald, Trevor: trusted by Friendly TV presenters,
1
;

inhabits computerised  hellscape,
2

McFadden, Steve, see Phil Mitchell

McGann, Paul,
1

McKeith, Dr Gillian,
1
 

Mears, Ray,
1
,
2
 

Mediums: Talking to the Dead
(BBC2),
1

Meet The Popstars
(ITV),
1

Mersey Beat
(BBC1),
1
,
2

Messenger, Melinda,
1

Michael Landy: The Man Who Destroyed  Everything
(BBC2),
1

Michael, George,
1

Michelmore, Cliff,
1

Middlemiss, Jayne,
1
,
2
,
3

Midsomer Murders
(ITV1),
1

Ministry Of Mayhem
(ITV1),
1

Minogue, Kylie,
1

Model Behaviour
(C4),
1

Monarch Of The Glen
(BBC1),
1
,
2

Monkey Dust
(BBC3),
1
,
2

Morgan, Piers,
1

Morrissey, David,
1

Moses
(BBC1),
1

Mostue, Trude,
1
,
2

Munnery, Simon,
1
,
2

Murnaghan, Dermot,
1

My Breasts Are Too Big
(C4),
1

My Uncle Silas
(ITV),
1

My Worst Week
(BBC1),
1

Nail, Jimmy,
1

Naked Elvis
(C4),
1

The National Lottery
(BBC1),
1

Neighbours
(BBC1),
1

Neill, Sam,
1

Nesbitt, James,
1

Never, Never
(C4),
1

Neville, Gary,
1

The New Tom Green Show
(C4),
1

Newsround
(BBC1),
1

Nick Cotton (
EastEnders
),
1
,
2

Norton, Graham: plays Brian in
Big
Brother
,
1
;

becomes tiresome,
2
;

remains tiresome,
272 

O’Connor, Des: discusses ‘bimbo-bumbo’,  
1

O’Neill, Martin,
1

The Office
(BBC2),
1
,
2
,
3
,
4

Oliver, Jamie: plugs Sainsburys,
1
,
2
;  

turns air blue,
3
;

likened to Roy  Hattersley,
1
;

is not a timelord,
1
;  

can just about fuck off,
1

Omaar, Rageh,
1

One Night Stands
(Five),
1

One Night With Robbie Williams
(BBC1),  
1
,
2

Ono, Yoko: talking absolute bollocks,
1

Osbourne, Ozzy,
1

Osbourne, Sharon,
1

The Osbournes
,
1

Ouch!
(Five),
1

Our Tune
(Sky One),
1

Owen, Mark,
1

Oz
,
1

Palmer, Patsy,
1

Palmer-Tomkinson, Tara,
1

Parkinson (BBC1),
1

Parkinson, Michael,
1
,
2
,
3

Penk, Steve,
1

The People’s Queen
(BBC1),
1

A Perfect Match
(C4),
1

Pertwee, Jon,
1

Petri dish: used by Justice League of  America,
1
;

beneath Dominic  Mohan’s desk,
2
;

providing cast of
Hollyoaks
,
1
;

universal, scraped out  for
Blind
Date
,
1
;

populace reclining  within,
1
;

role in creation of Jamie  Cullum,
1
;

The Phantom Flan Flinger
,
1

Phil Mitchell (
EastEnders
): compared to  Ricky Butcher,
1
;

pursuing Sonia with  mace,
2
;

pooing like a horse,
1
;  

violating a dog,
1
;

unveiling genitalia,  
1
;

presenting
Britain’s Hardest
,  
1

pinecones: providing seats for contestants,  
1
;

covered in snow,
2
;

sat on  by Queen,
1
;

experience of sitting on  replicated by
Curb Your Enthusiasm
,
1
;

made of tinfoil, excreted,
1
;  

shat by Dr Gillian McKeith,
1

Pingu
(BBC1),
1

Piper, Billie,
1

Platinum
(BBC3),
1

Pop Idol
(ITV1),
1
,
2
,
3
,
4
,
5
,  
6
,
7

Popstars
(ITV),
1
,
2
,
3
,
4
,
5
,
6
,
7
,  
8
,
9
,
10
,
11
,
12

Popstars: The Rivals
(ITV1),
1
,
2

pornography: starring clown, set on  steamboat,
1
;

broadcast on BBC1,
2
;  

starring Ross Kemp,
1
;

as viewed by  basement masturbator,
1
;

starring  goat,
1
;

set to music,
1

Pornography: The Musical
(C4),
1

posh people: with infuriating voices,
1
;  

playing detective,
2
;

having silly  names, copulating loudly in hotel  rooms,
1
;

young and loaded,
1
;  

considered punchable,
1
;

getting  bums out on
Big Brother
,
1
;  

unwashed,
1

The Powerpuff Girls
(Cartoon Network),  
1

President Palmer (24),
1
,
2

Psychic Night
(C4),
1

The Psychic Show
(ITV1),
1

Pushed To The Limit: Britain’s Toughest  Family
(BBC1),
1