Seaglass (20 page)

Hiding. The ugly truth was there. He’d been hiding. First, he’d ignored his failing vision. Then he’d used Maddie’s issues as an escape hatch. When she’d gone and there was nowhere left to hide, he’d let his family dictate the right course of action. He’d acted the part. Taken the classes. Learned the lessons. But he told himself he was doing it for them. To make them feel better. Deep down, he believed he’d always have enough residual vision to get by. He didn’t actually need any help. God, he’d been a fool.

Knox grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and called Kayla.

“Knox, I’m super busy—can I call you later—“

“Yeah. I mean no. Listen, I’m sorry about being an ass at lunch.” He quickly rushed on before she had a chance to interrupt. “And also, I think you’re right—I think I’d like to talk to someone. Do you know anyone?”

Knox listened to the complete silence on the other end of the phone. “Hello?”

“Sorry. I’m just stunned.”

“I know. I’ve had a bit of a mini-breakthrough here. Do you know someone or not? I want to call before I change my mind.”

“Knox!”

He could hear shuffling on the phone.

“Okay. I know someone. I’ll text you his name and number.”

“His? It’s a guy?”

“Is that a problem?”

“No. I mean, I just figured it’d be a woman.”

“I think you’ll like him. Give it a chance, okay?”

“Yeah. Whatever.”

“Good.” She said with a hint of smugness in her voice that he chose to ignore.

xXx

A month later, Knox stepped out of the cab feeling decidedly lighter. He attributed it to the slight change in weather. The thermometer had finally moved out of ‘torturous’ and into the category of ‘slightly less painful.’ In fact, today Knox was wearing his lighter parka. He opened his cane and tapped it twice on the ground to make sure it was locked into position. Then he squared himself up with the cab (after checking with the driver that he was parked directly in front of the medical complex—he’d made the mistake of
not
checking once which had led to an embarrassing encounter with a dumpster,) and proceeded to walk the thirty seven steps to the front doors. Once inside, he moved to the staircase on the right and walked up three flights. Then down the hallway on the left to the third door on the right.

Of course, he could vaguely see where he was going, but he was done relying solely on his residual vision. He thought of his eyes now as little pranksters. They could be useful sometimes, but it was best not to completely believe them.

As he pushed open the door and settled into the small waiting area, he decided that his improved mood was definitely due solely to the change in weather and not to his recent visits with Dr. Dan Stendahl. Knox liked to think of himself as someone that had a good grip on his emotions, but somehow Dan, as he liked to be called, quickly got through whatever armor he’d put in place. At first, it unsettled him and left him feeling like he’d been betrayed, but soon, he realized Dan’s office was a safe place to talk. Of course talking had never come easy, but he’d tried.

“Knox? You ready?”

Knox had been so engrossed in his own musings that he’d never even heard the inner door open. He smiled as he stood up and followed the short, stocky man into the office.

Knox took his usual seat; a worn leather arm chair in the corner. That was another thing about Dan. His office looked nothing like a psychologist’s office should look—or at least what one looked like on TV. Dan’s office looked like a history professor’s den; books everywhere, a half smoked pipe, a desk piled high with work.

“So, how was your week?”

Knox always seemed to have trouble getting started. Dan was kind or gracious enough to let him ease in by recounting his weekly activities.

“Fine. Um, do you mind if we dive right in?”

Dan laughed; a rich sound with just a hint of vibration. “By all means.”

“Did I sabotage it? With Maddie? Did I blow it?”

“Why do you think that?”

“’Cause I held it in. All this.” Knox gestured to his eyes. “She had so much shit to deal with that I didn’t want to pile any more on, but now I’m wondering…”

“What did you hold back from telling her?”

Jesus, Knox hated those types of questions. He didn’t want to answer. He didn’t want to feel stripped bare—again, but he tried to put those feelings aside for the moment.

“About the facts—what was happening to my eyes.”

“I’m sure she deduced enough even without you giving her chapter and verse.”

“Yeah.”

“What else? What else do you wish you could’ve shared with her?”

Knox sat back and looked up at the ceiling. He thought he saw water stains in the cheap ceiling tiles and wondered if Dan knew he could paint over them, but only if he used a stain-blocking primer first.

“Knox?”

“I don’t know…that it sucked.”

“Good. What else?”

“That I was scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Besides going blind?” Knox raised an eyebrow.

“What does ‘going blind’ mean to you?”

“Besides the obvious?”

“Yes.”

Knox blew out a frustrated breath and realized his feeble attempts to derail Dan were failing. “Falling, tripping. Losing stuff. Mismatching my clothes...”

“Those are outward symbols. Tell me something internal. What scares you on the inside?”

“Not being able to work.”

“What will that mean?”

“I’d be…”

“What? What would you be?”

“I don’t know.” Knox whispered. “I feel like I’d disappear.”

“You’d lose your identity.”

“Yeah.”

“What else?”

“Maddie would get tired of it—of me.”

“Try not to project Maddie’s feelings right now. Let’s concentrate on you.”

“Okay.”

“Let’s try this: describe yourself to me.”

“I gave you all my patient information.”

“Nice try. Who are you? Your name is Knox Barrows…” Dan gestured for Knox to continue.

“I live in Touchstone. I have a father named Ed and a sister named Kayla. My mom died a few years ago. I used to be a carpenter.” His voice shook a little and he cleared his throat to cover it. “I can still build things, though. I just have to choose my projects more carefully.”

“Good. Go on.”

“I was in the army. I did two and a half tours in the desert. I came home with fucked up eyesight.”

“Are you proud of your time in Iraq?”

“Proud? I don’t know. I’m proud of the guys in my unit. We were like a family.”

“Are you a good son? A good brother?”

“Yeah. Mostly. Kay needs more help with the kids—especially the twins. I wish I could be more involved.”

“Why aren’t you?”

“I try, but I keep myself a little distant from them. Sky’s easier. She’s my niece. She’s five.”

“Why is Sky easier?”

“She doesn’t expect me to be able to do a bunch of things I can’t do anymore—“

“There it is.”

“What?”

“Expectation.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Your niece has no expectations of your behavior. In truth, she probably doesn’t even have a mental distinction between sighted and blind versions of you.”

“That’s a little depressing.”

“You think the boys perceive the difference. You hold yourself apart from them for fear that you’ll let them down.”

Knox swallowed hard, fighting back the sudden swell of emotion that’s gripped him. “Maybe.”

“It’s something to be aware of as you move forward. The great thing about kids is they are malleable. If you explain to them that you’ll need to play with them in different ways now, I guarantee you they’ll be okay with it.”

“I know. It’s not that. They’re good kids…I know they’ll be fine. It’s more me…I’m the one that hates the difference.”

“Okay. Let’s talk about that.”

“I still feel like I’m stuck in this ‘before and after’ phase. I try not to think about it, but then I find my mind wandering back.”

Dan waited without speaking.

Knox played with a frayed corner of the chair he was sitting in. “How do I stop doing that?” He said softly.

“We can go over some exercises and techniques to derail those thoughts and change your energy.”

“Still won’t change the facts, though.”

“No. No, it won’t.”

“I guess there’s no therapy or magic pill for that.”

“Knox, I’m not telling you to give up hope of ever having your vision restored. Who knows what kind of scientific breakthroughs will happen in the future, but if you wait around for them, you’re going to miss out on everything in between.”

“I know.”

“Besides, I don’t think you’re the type.”

“The type?”

“The ‘miracle cure’ type.”

“If someone had a cure, I wouldn’t exactly thumb my nose at it.”

“There’s a difference and I think you know exactly what I’m talking about.”

Knox nodded slowly. Dan was correct in his assessment. He’d been to enough specialists to know that his injury was complex and most probably permanent. So far, cures for brain damage were hard to come by. He wasn’t chasing miracles.

“Okay. We’re out of time. Now get outta here.” Dan said as he rose and clapped Knox on the back.

“Wow that went by fast.”

“That’s not what you said the first time you came in.” Dan laughed.

“I remember that I didn’t say much of anything.”

“Sometimes that’s enough. Now get. I’ve got more heads to shrink.”

Knox laughed as he let himself out of the doctor’s back door and down the stairs. He made his way back to the front of the building to await his taxi. He contemplated Dan’s words as he walked, wondering if he was the only one that thought of himself in such drastic ‘before and after’ categories.

As usual, his thoughts turned immediately to Maddie. He’d been so quick to judge her for her failings, but had completely ignored his own. He’d assumed since he’d done his time at the Institute, he was absolved of having to dig through the muck of his emotions, but ever since he’d started going to Dan, he’d realized that he’d barely scratched the surface. Yes, he’d done all the training, but the whole time he’d been learning to physically live his life blind, he’d never made the mental adjustment.

It was six months to the day, she realized. Maddie signed the lease on the little apartment above the converted carriage house owned by Mr. and Mrs. Maguire in Rock Creek, Colorado. She’d seen their ad in the local paper in the town next to Touchstone. She’d called and immediately explained that she had enough money to cover the rent but not enough to cover the entire security deposit.

Despite her dire warnings, the Maguires insisted they still wanted to meet with her. Somewhat puzzled, and not daring to be hopeful, she showed up in her ‘new’ old pick-up truck.

“You must be Madeline.”

Maddie jumped out of the truck and as she saw an elderly couple dressed in matching flannel shirts and jeans coming toward them.

“Yes, but please, call me Maddie.” Maddie said, enjoying the feel of her new name on her tongue. Knox and Kayla had nicknamed her and she’d loved it from the minute she’d heard it.

“Maddie it is.” Mr. Maguire stuck out his hand and Maddie was rewarded with a firm, quick handshake. She looked over at Mrs. Maguire, with her short, silver hair tucked neatly behind her ears.

“Hello, ma’am.” She said softly.

“No need for formality, honey. You can call me Jo. And that’s Joe.”

Maddie looked back and forth quickly and deduced they were being serious.

Jo shrugged. “Whatcha gonna do when you fall in love with someone with the same name.”

Maddie laughed. “Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Jo and Joe.”

“So, let me give you a quick tour of the place. Then we can talk numbers.”

Maddie swallowed hard as she followed the pair up the stairs and into the space.

Right away, she could tell it had great light. A huge multi-paned window overlooked a small pond in the back of the property which was framed with white birch trees everywhere. A small living room with a pot belly stove was to the left and to the right was a tiny, but surprisingly updated kitchen with stainless steel appliances, cork flooring and soapstone countertops.

“I love these floors.” Maddie said as she bent down to touch the tiles.

“Cork. We did it in the main house too. Soft on the feet and they stay warm in the winter.”

“It’s great.” She said as she stood up.

“Through that door is the bedroom and the bathroom.”

Maddie wandered back to see the bedroom and a modern bathroom done in white and gray tile with a stall shower.

“It’s really lovely.” She shoved her hands in her pockets. “I’d rent it in a heartbeat, but honestly, I think you could get more than three hundred a month for it…and I’m not…the best candidate.”

Joe and Jo exchanged a glance between them and then Mr. Maguire stepped forward. “If it’s alright with you, Maddie, we’ll decide who’s a good candidate.”

“We’ve got the paperwork in the main house. What do you say we get it started while I put on a pot of tea?” Jo said as she looped her arm through Maddie’s and pulled her toward the stairs.

Maddie felt bewildered and excited. Technically, she wasn’t in Touchstone yet, but it seemed it was already working its magic on her. Maybe this time, she thought. Maybe.

xXx

Two hours later, Maddie climbed back into the cab of her beat-up gray truck and drove back to the motel where she’d been staying for the past few days. She couldn’t believe it. Not only had the ‘Joes’ waved the security deposit entirely, but when they’d heard she had no furniture, they’d offered to let her have her pick of a few odds and ends they weren’t using that were stashed in the barn.

They hadn’t asked why she was here, but she had a feeling they suspected she was running from something. They’d both gone into ‘protective’ mode when she mentioned she had no family and few friends. She was starting over, she’d said. The ‘Joes’, as she had dubbed them in her mind, told her that she couldn’t have chosen a better place. Maddie confessed that she’d been in Touchstone before and had dearly loved it. She’d always dreamed of coming back.

Earlier in the week, she’d secured a job at a small grocery store in the neighboring town and now she had an apartment. She could feel the earth under her feet beginning to solidify. She was staking her claim. This time, it was for real. No more games, no more running. Of course there was still the big hurdle to conquer, but the thought of coming face to face with Knox still scared her too much. No, she wasn’t ready to face him yet. Soon. When she was a little sturdier, she’d work up the courage to go to him and see if he still… well, for now she’d just leave that thought there.

xXx

“I heard you were working here now.”

Maddie’s head snapped up from her register at the supermarket and immediately smiled. Kayla looked exactly the same. Her perfect blonde hair shown like a halo around her shoulders.

“Hi.” She smiled nervously.

“So.” Kayla responded while putting her few groceries down on the conveyor belt.

“So.”

“Are you okay?” She said as she put her hand over Maddie’s as she was about to scan a box of cookies.

Maddie felt the familiar stab of tears threaten to spill over.

“I’m on my way.” She said as she looked into Kayla’s eyes. “I’ve missed you.”

“That’s it.” Kayla said as she pulled Maddie down for a powerful hug. Finally she pulled back. “When do you get a break?”

Maddie checked her watch. “Um, I had my break already, but I’m done for the day in two hours.”

“Great. Swing by the house then. I’ll open a bottle of wine.” She said as she swiped her credit card as Maddie bagged the items.

Maddie only nodded at the petite fireball. Again, emotion clogged her throat. It was nice to have a friend. She’d known, of course, that Kayla had every right to hate her. Not only had she hurt Knox, but she’d abandoned their friendship with barely a proper goodbye. She’d wondered and worried if Kayla would ever want to speak to her again.

xXx

“Hello?” Maddie knocked on the screen door of Kayla’s beautiful home.

“I’m back here!” Kayla’s voice came soaring from beyond the kitchen.

Maddie let herself in and walked slowly through the foyer and back toward the kitchen. She felt almost dizzy as memories of the last time she was here swirled around her mind.

She came around the kitchen island and sat at the breakfast bar as Kayla opened a bottle of wine and retrieved two glasses from the cabinet above the stove.

“C’mon. Let’s sit outside. In another month, it’ll be too cold.”

Maddie followed her friend to two cushioned wicker chairs on the back deck. Kayla opened the wine, poured and then put her feet up on the matching ottoman.

“Ahh.” She sighed. “It’s been a heck of a day.”

“Is everything okay?” Maddie asked as she took the offered wine.

“Single mom, three kids. Every day is a like this.”

“Where are the kids?”

“At Ted’s. They’ll be back before bedtime.”

“How are you…since Ted?”

“I thought I was great. I thought it’d be good for both of us to be divorced. We could still co-parent and this way we wouldn’t hate each other.” She sipped her wine. “That was until he proposed to his secretary.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yep. It turns out she’s the love of his life.”

“When did this happen?”

“Last week. And the best part—he didn’t even have the balls to tell me. Skylar told me. She said Daddy gave Bethany a big ring and she’s gets to be the flower girl.”

“Jesus.”

“It’s sick and twisted right? My daughter will be the flower girl at my husband’s wedding to the woman he left me for.”

Maddie looked over at her friend and watched her shoulders slump and then the tears come. “I haven’t cried yet.” She said through a cascade of tears. “I didn’t want the kids to see me…and I didn’t want to talk to Knox.”

“You can cry. It’s okay.” Maddie answered with a soothing hand on Kayla’s arm.

“I don’t want him, Maddie. I just can’t stand the thought of him being happy with her.” She said through sniffles. “It sounds so childish.”

“No, it’s not. It’s okay to feel it, Kayla. You’re allowed.”

“I’m sorry.” She said as she reached for a tissue from a box on the little table next to her chair.

“Stop it. You don’t have to hide this from me. I can handle it. You don’t have to be brave or mature, okay?”

Kayla let out a small chuckle. “Okay.”

The two friends sat in silence for several moments sipping their wine; each caught up in thoughts of their own.

“So why are you working at a grocery store in Rock Creek?”

“I needed a job. They were hiring.”

Kayla only eyed her over the rim of her glass.

“I didn’t want to work in Touchstone. I feel like it belongs to Knox.” She answered softly.

“I’m guessing he doesn’t even know you’re back, huh?”

Maddie only nodded.

“He’s gonna find out sooner or later. It’ll hurt him more if he finds out from someone else.”

“You’re right. I was gonna go see him yesterday.” She shrugged. “I lost my nerve.”

“Oh honey.”

“He’s the reason I’m here. I mean, I’m here for me too, but I won’t stay here if he doesn’t want me to.”

“Where are you staying?”

“The Maguires farm over in Rock Creek. They have an apartment for rent.”

“Why didn’t you buy a place? Are you still flipping houses?”

Maddie looked down and swirled her wine. “No. Not anymore.”

“Why not? I thought you loved it.”

“I will. I mean, I hope to again someday. I don’t have much money right now.”

“What happened? I know you made a good amount on the craftsman and the Victorian.”

Maddie shrugged her shoulders but said nothing.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t pry. Your money is your business.”

Maddie looked up at her old friend, who by all accounts should hate her for leaving her brother. At the very least, she owed her the truth.

“My father threatened to sue me for the money I originally inherited from my grandmother. He claimed, that since my mother was now deceased, he was the rightful beneficiary.”

“What happened?” Kayla asked, horrified.

“Well, I would’ve lost either way. Fighting it with lawyers and trials would’ve drained it all, so I gave it all back.”

“But why?” Kayla sat back, stunned. “Why would he do that?”

Maddie held up her hand. “It’s about control. It always was.”

“I just can’t believe he did that.” She said, clearly astonished.

“Well, at least I got the last laugh.”

“What do you mean?”

“He thought, since I had practically nothing to my name, I’d need to stay…work for him and all that.”

“What happened?”

“I tried, for a little while, but then I quit. I left and took nothing with me. I worked as a waitress for a few months and saved up enough to come back here.”

“You don’t have ‘nothing’, Maddie. You had me. You could’ve called me. I would’ve helped you.” Kayla said with conviction.

Maddie felt stripped bare. She’d never had someone in her corner before the way Kayla was now. She didn’t have the words to express herself. Instead, though tears, she extended her hand to her friend and held tight.

“I know things are complicated with you and Knox, but you can always talk to me, okay?” Kayla affirmed as she gave Maddie’s hand a final squeeze and released.

“Okay…and I’m sorry for being such a lousy friend to you. I should’ve been there for you too.”

“You’re forgiven. Just don’t do it again.”

“Deal.” Maddie said and even as the word left her mouth, she knew it was the truth. No matter what happened with Knox, she was going to put down roots and start making a life—a real life for herself.