Seaside Secrets (5 page)

This was so fucked up.

He glanced at the dance floor. Caden was gazing into Bella’s eyes. Pete and Jenna were smooching, and Jamie and Jessica, well, were they ever not lusting after each other? And Kurt and Leanna? Those two emitted love from a thousand miles away.

Like Amy.
Sweet Amy. She looked at him with more emotion than any of their friends looked at each other. If he had a sliver of a chance of being the man she deserved, he’d give up everything else in his life just to be with her.
 

“Excuse me, Cher.” He stepped away and closed the gap between him and Amy. He would give up surfing, motivational speaking. He’d give up breathing if he could be good enough for her, but he wasn’t even sure he knew how to own his feelings anymore after repressing them for so long.

“Hi, Tony.” Duke nodded, smiled. “I caught your competition in the spring. Nice win.” He had deep-set eyes, a jaw that could chisel granite, and a strong voice that commanded attention.

As Tony shook his hand, he noticed Cher giving Duke a lascivious leer.
Better him than me
.

“Thanks, man. It was a good year.”

“Well, now that I’ve got the Australia resort, why don’t you stay there when you compete out that way? I’ll make it a point to be there, and we can celebrate together.” Duke smiled at Amy. “And if I’m lucky, Amy’ll be running the conference center operations, so she can join us.”

“Sounds great,” Tony said more gruffly than he’d intended.

“Excuse me, Amy. I’ll give you two some privacy.”

Tony nodded in response, unable to find his voice. He wondered what was going on in Amy’s mind. Was she thinking about how much she hated him after last night? Did she have any hope left that he’d come around? Because if she did, that was a dangerous thing for both of them. How long was a man expected to ward off the only woman he really wanted? His mind was tangled up in all that couldn’t be—and all that he’d become. He maintained a bit of a player lifestyle. It kept him from getting hurt, and Amy had the power to slay him. This he knew firsthand…She’d done it once—no, he wouldn’t go there.

“Hi.” Her voice slid over his skin, with a hint of regret that he knew was all his fault.

He reached for her hand, and she lowered her eyes in contemplation. He’d always held her hand, hadn’t he? They’d sat arm in arm around the bonfires at Seaside forever. They’d held hands when they were all out as a group. He had a key to her cottage, and she to his. She didn’t take his hand this time, and when she lifted her eyes to his, the pain was back, blazing a path of sorrow and dark history between them, slaying him again, only this time it was his own doing.

His mind reeled back fourteen years. He could still feel the damp sea air. She was eighteen; he was just two years older. Her hair was long and straight and hung well past the middle of her back, just the way he loved it. He could still smell her perfume, Angel by Victoria’s Secret. He’d thought it was strange that sweet Amy had worn a perfume from such a risqué store, but that had been the least of his surprises that summer. He’d learned a few hours later that Amy had a few secrets of her own.
I’ve loved you since you saved the crayfish at Sheep Pond for me, and I’ll love you until the day I die. Please love me back.
She’d pledged her love for him with wide eyes and an open heart. He’d saved those crayfish when she was six, and in the years after, he’d thought she looked at him with trust and love that went deeper than infatuation.
Impossible
, he’d told himself for all those years, but then she’d confessed the truth.

Once he’d known how she felt, he could no longer deny his feelings for her. Still he’d held back from doing anything, or he’d tried, for a week, maybe two. Even then he’d known that his feelings for Amy were bigger than he was capable of keeping boxed inside. He’d tried so hard to resist because she was Amy Maples, a girl so pure and good, and he was Tony Black, the older, more experienced guy, on his way to a very public life as a pro surfer.

His feelings for Amy had scared him. He’d been terrified to touch her despite the love they’d shared. How did he get so lucky to have Amy fall in love with him? He’d been scared that the moment their bodies connected, he’d never be able to rein in his feelings again. And there was so much at stake. Their families had known each other forever. Her father had high expectations for her, none of which included traveling with a surfer boyfriend, a guy her father liked well enough as a friend for his perfect daughter but probably wouldn’t approve of as a boyfriend. The guy whose own father had taught him everything there was to know about being successful but thought a career in surfing was for losers. There wasn’t room in her life for him in the way that she wanted and begged him for. He knew better. Her father was a high-powered, well-respected lawyer, and Amy was set to leave for Brown University at the end of the summer. Then she’d said the words that broke down the walls he’d been hiding behind since he was old enough to define the feelings that swelled within him every time he was near her.
Don’t just be my first; be my only.
She hadn’t just wanted to sleep with him. She’d asked him for forever, and he’d been ready to promise her the world.

Only then had he allowed himself to give in to the emotions that blanketed him every night and pulled him through the long winter months in anticipation of seeing her. In the darkness by the dunes, he’d folded her into his arms that first time, felt her slender body against his, and cupped her beautiful cheeks in his hands. And as the world around them fell away, their lips brushed. A sliding of skin, the scent of a kiss. He could barely breathe as the moment he’d imagined for so long was upon them. In the next moment, their mouths were sealed as one, their tongues colliding with love and lust and more emotion than either of them knew what to do with. It was a powerful kiss that bound them together and left them wanting more.

After that they’d stolen away for a few precious moments alone every time they were able. Sneaking out of their cottages at night, sharing a sleeping bag beneath the trees in the woods behind the pool. Sharing kisses, and then, a few days later, groping, touching, learning and loving the curves of each other’s bodies.

In the blink of an eye, he’d gone from holding back everything in his heart to laying it out for her to soak up, and soak up she did. She was so open to him, so wanting, so caring. She treated him like he was all she ever wanted, and he knew she was all he ever wanted—even though their relationship was secret. Amy had insisted that not even Bella, Jenna, and Leanna find out, because, she’d explained, this part of her life, this intimacy that was so new to her, so all-consuming, would kill her father if he found out. Her father was so protective of her, and he had made it clear to Amy that she couldn’t afford any distractions from her schoolwork if she was going to get
anywhere
in life. She’d spent her whole life trying not to disappoint him, and she wasn’t taking any chances. He’d fought her on it at first, knowing he’d be unable to hide his feelings. But she’d been adamant. His love for her left him powerless to argue, and he’d reluctantly relented.

Only they
had
taken a chance. One chance. One time, a week after they’d first shared their feelings. Too overcome with passion to slow down and take precautions.
It’ll be okay
, she’d said.
You can pull out
. He was older than her, more experienced. He knew the risks.
I don’t know,
he’d said halfheartedly.
Love me, Tony. Please love me.
He shouldn’t have given in, but he’d been powerless when it came to Amy. He’d loved her so much, he would have turned himself inside out for her. And God, the way she’d looked at him that night as they made love. Even now, it made his chest feel full.

They’d made love a dozen or so times over the ensuing eight weeks, and when the summer was over, they made secret plans to return to Seaside for a weekend alone. A weekend that Tony would have given his life for—a weekend when they didn’t have to hide their relationship.

Three weeks after their families left Seaside and Amy had gone off to Brown University, they’d returned for that secret weekend together. They’d been a couple just shy of twelve weeks. It had been the best twelve weeks of Tony’s life. He had Amy. Sweet, precious Amy, and she loved him the way he loved her, with his whole being. She loved him with a heart so big it swallowed him. Amy had said she wanted to talk, but he’d wanted to surf before the sun went down.

The waves were big that weekend, following a storm during the week. Amy may have been lean, but she was strong, with the balance of a gymnast. But that afternoon, she’d turned to look for him just as a wave caught her board, and her foot twisted. Tony’s heart had stopped cold as he watched her wipe out. He dove for her as the waves pummeled her against the ocean’s rocky floor. At first Tony had no idea what was happening. Blood pooled in her suit. Had she gotten her period? There was too much blood for that. Amy’s eyes had bored right through him. She’d clutched his wet skin, digging her nails into him and crying.
Oh God. Oh God. Oh no
, she’d cried. Tony carried her to the car and drove her straight to the hospital.

A miscarriage
. He hadn’t even known she was pregnant. Amy was too distraught to talk. She lay silent and still in the hospital bed, staring with emotionless eyes at the curtain, and that nurse, that goddamn nurse, had looked at him with her beady eyes and hissed,
How could you let your pregnant girlfriend go surfing?

It was his fault. All of it.

He’d taken Amy back to his cottage that evening, cared for her, loved her, wept with her, and in the morning she’d said she needed time and space.
Time
. The word loomed between them as she packed her bag.
Space
. Tony had felt his heart shatter inside his chest with that one. He felt the change when he hugged her goodbye. She’d held him at a distance, in a cold, halfhearted embrace. He’d wanted to tell her that he’d love her forever, regardless of what happened. He’d wanted to promise her that they’d have a big family one day with as many children as she wanted when she was ready.

But Amy had had other plans.

Plans that didn’t include upsetting his budding career or upsetting her father’s expectations. Plans that no longer included Tony.

She’d pushed at his chest, eyes wide and…fearful? He could never be sure what he’d seen.
I can’t; I’m sorry,
she’d said, before getting into her car and driving away. He’d gone after her, but she’d driven too fast, ignored his texts and phone calls.

Weeks went by without a word from her, and when he’d shown up at her dorm two weeks later, she’d offered nothing. There was no reconciliation, no discussion of the two treacherous weeks that had passed, and no explanation to her reticence beyond a lame excuse of not remembering a damn thing about the moment that he’d never forget.

He’d tried to bring it up.
We should talk about what happened.
She looked at him like he was crazy.
Happened? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
  She’d acted like they’d never loved each other. She’d ignored his calls and texts after that, and for several years Tony had avoided going back to the Cape during the summers for more than a few days. Until after she’d graduated from college, when he’d seen her at Seaside and she still acted like nothing had ever happened between them, but at least she was talking to him. Their friendship resumed as if nothing had ever happened—except it had. Tony hadn’t forgotten and never would, and from that day on, he’d protected Amy as if she were his only love, all the while reminding himself why she never could be again.

It had been his fault she’d gotten pregnant at a time when she should have had no cares other than having a good time in college. It was his fault she’d gone surfing, his fault she had the miscarriage.

“Tony, did you want something?”

Her voice brought him spinning back into the moment. He recognized the sadness in her eyes as his own, reflecting back at him. He had to save them both from this endless torture, but he couldn’t let her go. Not yet. He needed one dance, one last chance to hold her before he set her free forever.

“Dance with me?” He watched her eyes fall to the dance floor and skate over the friends they loved. When her eyes found his again, the air between them chilled. The years they’d shared hovered between them.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

The sharp edges of her voice sliced right through him. She did what he’d been too chickenshit to do. He craved one last dance, but she knew he was going to set her free. She probably read his eyes as easily as he’d read hers, and she was doing it first. He’d asked for this outcome, and he shouldn’t be surprised by it.

He shouldn’t feel like he was losing his best friend.

But as his heart cracked right down the center, he knew what he had to do.

“I think you should take the job in Australia.”

“ARE YOU SURE you don’t want me to stick around and drive back with you?” Bella hugged Amy so tightly she thought she’d break a rib.

“Nah. I’ll be back at Seaside later tonight. I told Duke I would stay to go over some of the details about the job.” Amy didn’t want to get Bella any more pissed off at Tony than she already was, so she didn’t tell her that he’d told her to take the job. She’d sucked it up last night and pretended that everything was cool, when she felt as though she were dying inside.

“Remember”—Bella narrowed her eyes and pointed at Amy—“negotiate summers at the Cape, or I’ll negotiate it for you.”

“Oh, please. Don’t put that pressure on her.” Jenna hugged Amy.

Jamie and Jessica had left early that morning for their honeymoon, and Leanna and Kurt had left at the crack of dawn so Leanna would be back in Wellfleet in time to sell her jams at the flea market. Leanna owned Luscious Leanna’s Sweet Treats, and it had taken off over the past few years. Restaurants and stores across the Cape sold her jams, and her flea-market traffic had nearly doubled.

“Are you sure you’re okay with the whole Tony thing?” Jenna asked. “I still think he’ll come around. He’s always been careful with you, Ames. He’s just being extra careful now.”