Second Thoughts (2 page)

“Hey, cuz, are you okay? I'd recognize your nervous eating anywhere. Everything will go fine tomorrow, just relax and enjoy this night.”

Aubrey smiled back at her and wished that would be true. She often forgot that Hannah was actually a year younger than her. Ever since they were kids, Hannah was the responsible one and always so motherly to the other cousins. She always knew the right thing to do and Aubrey had great respect for her, which is why she asked Hannah to be in her wedding.

Hannah hadn't always had an easy path herself. Her husband died and left her with a son, Andrew to raise alone and a broken heart to heal. But then last winter Hannah met Ben and since then, Aubrey was happy to see Hannah back to her old self, she hadn't seen her so happy in a long time.

“I hope things go fine. Can I ask you a question, Hannah?”

“Sure, anything.”

“Do you think six months is long enough to know someone before tying the knot? Honestly?”

“It doesn't matter what I think, it matters what you think. You need to listen to your heart. For me, that answer is yes. I just met Ben last winter and we are shopping for engagement rings now. Because I know he's right for me. And after everything I've been through, having the love of my life ripped away from me at such a young age, I've learned to never take anything for granted, and to live each day as if it's my last.”

Aubrey nodded and pushed her plate of tiramisu away. Hannah was right, she had to listen to her heart. If only she could trust it.

The night ended with the slightly embarrassing situation of having to drag her karaoke-singing sister out of the bar.

Once she got home to her apartment, she couldn't sleep. Most of her her things had been moved out to the home she'd share with Nick. This was her last night in her own place; after the honeymoon she'd be renting it out. The emptiness and quietness of the place after a dinner that was loud and festive gave her time to be alone with her thoughts, which were running wild. How could she have been with Nick for six months yet didn't know how he felt about the idea of her keeping her married name or being a working mother. She hadn't pictured him as such a traditionalist and wondered if the kind of wife that would make him happy would be straight out of 1950's sitcom-wearing heels and pearls while vacuuming and greeting her husband with a drink and foot rub when he gets home from work. She was not that kind of woman. Had they even talked about dividing up housework? She hadn't lived with him before...what if he expects her to do everything and doesn't do his share? She found herself getting worked up about it even though the logical part of her brain was telling her she was being silly. She'd practically lived at his house for how many times she'd stay over there and knew it wasn't a pigsty-he kept the place pretty clean for a guy. But then she remembered he had a cleaning lady come in once a week and then she started getting mad at him all over again.

She started thinking about her options. Maybe she should call off the wedding. Or maybe not call off, but postpone. Yeah, postpone. Lots of brides do that, don't they? “Only the crazy ones,” she answered out loud. “Great, now I'm talking to myself. Maybe I am one of the crazy ones.”

And thus went Aubrey's circle of thoughts the night before her wedding. After only an hour or two of actual sleep, a car full of bridesmaids arrived to take her to Fairlawn where the makeup artist worked her magic to cover the dark bags underneath her eyes. After mimosas and muffins and a flurry of dresses being put on, the ceremony was only a couple of hours away.

She told her bridesmaids she needed to be alone for a bit and found the quiet study that overlooked the lawn. Here she paced back and forth, chewing gum and twirling her bracelets and wishing she could stop that mantel clock.

A knock at the door startled her. It opened slowly to reveal the face of her perky bridesmaid, Katie.

“Hey there, beautiful, mind if I join you?”

“No, come on in.” Aubrey stopped pacing and plopped down on a stuffed chair in front of a bookcase.

“I know today is your wedding day and all, but you just don't seem yourself. Are you okay?”

Aubrey looked at Katie with pleading eyes. She hadn't wanted to talk to anyone about her thoughts but now felt it might be good to get this burden off of her chest. Katie was one of her closest friends and also one of her newest. Her husband was Kyle, was Nick's best friend and best man. The three of them had grown up together in the same neighborhood and all went to the same college. The two couples hung out a lot together and Katie had been so sweet to her they became close fast. Katie looked gorgeous standing there in her pale yellow gown, holding a bouquet of bright pink flowers, her hair in a pretty chignon and pearl drop earrings hanging from her ears. She looked like a model in one of the many bridal magazines that Aubrey had devoured over the last couple months. Katie smiled at her and Aubrey could see concern behind her kind eyes.

“Oh Katie, I don't think I am okay. In fact, I'm kind of a mess!”

“Oh no, that doesn't sound like you at all. But it's totally natural, I had wedding jitters the day I got married, too. I'd offer to bring you a mimosa to settle your nerves but apparently your sister downed the rest of the champagne. ”

“Thanks but I don't want any alcohol to fog my mind. I need to think with total clarity right now to figure out what to do.”

“What to do about what? What's going on?”

Aubrey hesitated before answering. “It's just, I don't know, I'm having...second thoughts.”

There. She said it out loud. Second thoughts.

The color drained from Katie's face.

“Please tell me that you mean that you're having second thoughts about your dress or floral arrangements or something.”

Aubrey bit her lip and shook her head as she twisted her bracelets.

“Did something happen? Or are you just nervous? What would make you say that?”

“It started at the rehearsal yesterday. When Nick seemed shocked that I wanted to keep my maiden name. I just assumed that he assumed that I would. But the fact that we didn't really know how each other felt about it, well, it got me thinking.”

“Let me get this straight, you are having second thoughts about marrying Nick today because he was surprised when he heard you weren't changing your name? Are you crazy?”

“Yes, I think I am.”

“But he said it was no big deal. And I know Nick, he loves you so much, he wouldn't care if you change your name to Big Bird, honestly, you're making too much of this, sweetie.”

“That's just it. You know Nick; you've know him for many years. I thought I knew him, but how much can you really know about someone in six months. He told me that he thought when we have kids someday that I would quit my job to stay home with them.”

“That monster!” Katie exclaimed in mock horror. “How could he?” She smiled and patted Aubrey on the shoulder. “Honey, if that's the worst thing he's gonna do, consider yourself lucky!”

“It's not that, I mean, issues like that will come up, I know. It's just that, well, it took me by surprise that I didn't know that about him and really got me thinking, what else don't I know. Are they going to be little things or big issues? What about his past? Do I know everything I need to know to spend the rest of my life with him?”

“You love each other, that's all you need to know. You wouldn't have told him you'd marry him if your heart wasn't ready, right?”

“I guess it just hit me last night how little we know about each other. What about you and Kyle-was there  anything you found out about him after you were married that surprised you?”

“Kyle? Well, it was different for us, I've known him since I was four.”

“That doesn't help! See what I mean, Nick is practically a stranger compared to that.”

“Stop this thinking, Aubrey, it's not doing you any good. This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life and you are going to marry someone who I know adores you and loves you with his whole being. You know, he wasn't always the happy go lucky guy that you see. It was long ago but there was a time, after him and Tracy lost their baby that I didn't think I'd ever see him happy again. Since he's met you, he's the happiest I've ever seen him, it's like..”

Aubrey's mouth gaped open as she held up her hand. “Hold up! Him and Tracy lost their what?”

Katie's eyes got big and she thought about what she said. “He did tell you about Tracy...didn't he?”

“Yes, he told me that Tracy was his girlfriend in college, but he never said anything about a baby? They had a
baby
? Are you kidding me?”

Aubrey started pacing again and clenched her jaw so tight it started twitching and the vein in her forehead was throbbing.

“Now I
have
to stop this. I can't marry him. We need to postpone this, you have to help me!”

“Hold on, okay, just hold on. Let me explain what happened. What happened was that the week after him and Tracy broke up, she found out she was pregnant but a couple months later had a miscarriage. They had broken up anyway, but losing that baby was harder on him than it was on her and he was really depressed for awhile. It might be a part of his life that he just wants to forget. He's very sensitive, you know that.”

Aubrey kept pacing as Katie peered out the window. “Guests are starting to arrive, Aubrey. I know it's taboo for the bride to see the groom before the ceremony but I think you should talk to Nick. I'm going to go get him.”

“Wait! I want you to do something for me,” Aubrey told her, rummaging through the drawer of the large mahogany desk in the study. She pulled out a pen and a pad of paper and started writing quickly, her hand flying over the paper in quick, furious motions.

“What are you doing?” Katie asked.

“I want you to take this to Nick. They are questions for him. I need to find out years worth of information in the minutes before our wedding. Tell him I want to see him but not before he answers every one of these questions for me.”

Katie walked over and tried to peer over Aubrey's shoulder but she was blocked.

“What kind of questions?”

“Just stuff off the top of my head that helps me understand what kind of person he is.”

She finished writing and handed the list to Katie.

Katie looked at the list and then back to Aubrey. “You just came up with these off the top of your head?”

Aubrey nodded as Katie looked back at the list. “Okay, if you say so.” She said as she folded it up.

Before she left, Katie gave Aubrey a hug, being careful not to muss up either of their updos. “I love you as if I've known you my whole life and I know that's how Nick feels about you, too. If ever two people were meant to be together, it's you two.”

Aubrey blinked back tears as she gave Katie a pat. “Thank you, that means a lot to me.”

“Okay, I'm off to get Nick this list, but you need to talk to him, too. And you're running out of time.” She pointed out the window to the rows of seats that were now filling fast with guests awaiting the ceremony to start.

Once Katie left, she was left once again with her own thoughts. The knot in her stomach was causing her pain as she thought about Nick not telling her that his ex-girlfriend lost their baby.

Her emotions ran from sadness to anger and back again to sadness. There was another knock on the door and she felt the anger come over her once again as she knew there hadn't been enough time for him to answer all the questions and he probably was just here to laugh about it and not take this seriously.

She swung the door open, put her other hand on her hip and said “You better have all of those questions answered!”

But to her surprise, it wasn't Nick standing on the other side of the door. It was Granny Ruby, her great-grandmother, looking sweet although a little surprised herself. “Questions?”

“Oh, I'm sorry Granny Ruby, I thought you were...someone else.”

“Oh, I hope I didn't disappoint you, then. Let me get a look at you! Aubrey Rose Gray, you are the most beautiful bride I've ever seen!”

Aubrey smiled, feeling some of her anger and stress wash away.

“Thank you, Granny,” she said as she leaned down to hug her. “I could say the same thing about you. You look stunning, the most beautiful grandmother there ever was!”

Granny did a little turn to show off her sequined jacket and skirt set, giggling. It made Aubrey giggle, too. Granny Ruby's daughter, who had been Aubrey's grandmother, had died from cancer when Aubrey's mother was just a young girl, so Aubrey never got to meet her. After she died, Aubrey's mother was raised by Granny Ruby,  who looked and acted like she had access to a fountain of youth. She always had a spring in her step and a twinkle in her eye and Aubrey could always count on her to lift her spirits.

“What are you doing back here, Granny?”

“Well, I was on my way to the ladies' room when I overheard your sister saying that you'd gotten cold feet and had locked yourself in the study.”

Aubrey rolled her eyes, “I'm going to have to do something about Jackie. She's such a drama queen! The last thing I need is for her to be spreading that around.”

“Oh, so it isn't true then.”

“That I've locked myself in the study? There's no barricade here; the door is just closed, not locked.” She laughed nervously.