Secrets of the Wee Free Men and Discworld (17 page)

BOOK: Secrets of the Wee Free Men and Discworld
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Unintelligent Unicorns
We'll end this chapter with unicorns. Picture a unicorn running blithely through a forest or sniffing buttercups. That's their usual posture in books. Pratchett and Mercedes Lackey (well, in her 500 Kingdoms series, at least) have a similar idea in that the unicorns of their worlds are rather unintelligent, vapid even. In
Lords and Ladies,
the unicorn is a wild beast that can't talk and doesn't seem to want to heal anything, but instead kills like a cornered animal. This is contrary to the way unicorns are usually portrayed in fantasy—you know, as majestic, magical talking beasts dripping with wisdom, which kill only when threatened by evil beings. They would prefer to heal, rather than kill. Like elves, they're piercingly beautiful and mysterious. Think of the female unicorn—you know, the unnamed one (except when she's given a fake name—Lady Amalthea) who searched for other unicorns in
The Last Unicorn
by Peter S. Beagle (the novel and screenplay) or the one foolish Princess Lily dares to touch to the detriment of the world in
Legend,
the old Tom Cruise movie from 1985. But in Discworld, you don't want to get too close to one. And you can't, unless you're like Granny Weatherwax and certainly not Nanny Ogg. (And the answer to that riddle is … )
In Obsidian Trilogy, the unicorns Shalkan and Calmeren have cloven hooves and a deerlike appearance, as does the unicorn in
The Last Unicorn.
What we know about the unicorn in
Lords and Ladies
is that he is huge and heavy like a horse, rather than deerlike.
Hmm. Maybe we can make a case for
The Sound of Music,
instead of
Les Mis.
You know how the
Sound of Music
song goes, “Do—a deer?” Picture the unicorn … .
Okay. Maybe not.
Power, Police, and Paraphernalia: The Way Things Work in Discworld
 
 
It's Magic
Oh ho, ho, it's magic, you know
Never believe it's not so.
119
There were seven wonders of the ancient world: the Great Pyramid in Giza, the Temple of Artemis, the Statue of Zeus (Olympia), the Hanging Gardens in Babylon, the Mausoleum of Maussollos, the Colossus of Rhodes, and the Lighthouse/Pharos of Alexandria. They were monoliths to human ingenuity. Yet only one exists today—the Great Pyramid.
Imagine what it was like to see those wonders. Seeing anything amazing always begs the question, “How'd they do that?”
A place like Discworld is beyond one of the wonders of the world, because it is magical and magic is the very stuff of the Disc—part of the fabric of daily life. And isn't magic the reason why we read fantasy—the wonder of it all? So let's take a sightseeing tour of Discworld to see the eight magic wonders of that world. Why only eight?
As we said before, eight is an important number in Discworld. Better bring a camera. You don't want to miss these shots.
DISC-CLAIMER:
Plot spoilers ahead. Read at your own risk. Although we picked the following, you may have a different idea of the magic wonders of Discworld. Also, their order does not indicate order of importance.
1. The Chalk
The Chalk?
you may balk. You may have expected us to say something like Fairyland, the Fairy Queen's realm, since Tiffany Aching takes a journey through it in
The Wee Free Men.
But Fairyland is part of the Otherworld, which tries to intrude upon Tiffany's world in
The Wee Free Men.
We'll get to that in a minute. Meanwhile, we picked the Chalk because at first glance it might seem like an ordinary region akin to a quaint English farming community. But consider the fact that Miss Tick talked about the impossibility of growing a witch on chalk. However, the Chalk not only produced Tiffany, but Sarah Aching (Granny Aching) as well.
In “Cult Classic,” an essay in
Meditations on Middle-Earth,
Pratchett remarked that the land was very much a character in
The Lord of the Rings.
He could tell that by the loving details Tolkien added to make the setting prominent. In
The Wee Free Men,
Pratchett takes that aspect a step further by making the Chalk actually rise up against the Fairy Queen. Like we said, the Chalk is a magical wonder.
2. The Dancers
We're probably back in your good graces with this selection. The Dancers, a ring of stones up in the Ramtops, figure heavily in
Lords and Ladies.
It's like Stonehenge in Wiltshire, England, or the
Ring of Brodgar in Orkney, Scotland—the kind of Neolithic trilithons in existence for thousands of years; a place where stories start and mysteries abound. You can find stone formations like this all around the United Kingdom. Legends are built around such places.
We can't help thinking of Celtic mythology, particularly the
Mabinogion
—the myths of Wales—which contains stories like “Pwyll son of Dyyed,” “Branwen the daughter of Llyr,” “Manawyddan the son of Llyr,” and “Math the son of Mathonwy.” In these stories, white stags run about, hunted by Welsh kings, and magical wars happen. You know, the usual Otherworld happenings.
In Discworld, the Dancers are a gateway to Fairyland, which is a nightmare place, as
The Wee Free Men
clearly shows. (We have to wonder if the Dancers are the trilithons Tiffany sees at a distance from the Feegles' mound in
The Wee Free Men.
)
Trilithons such as the Dancers are also “weather computers” operated by druids in the days before Doppler radar, as we learn in
Lords and Ladies
and
The Light Fantastic
. Belafon, the druid and “computer hardware consultant”
120
in
The Light Fantastic,
operates a piece of rock “software.” This is fitting, since the real-life Druids were known to frequent stone circles.
3. Holy Wood
Holy Wood is the Hollywood of Discworld captured in
Moving Pictures,
where movie magic happens literally. But like most of the seven wonders of the ancient world, this is a place you can't visit anymore. It's buried under tons of rubble, like Pompeii in the aftermath of Mount Vesuvius's eruption in A.D. 79 or the fall of the mythical cities of Atlantis or Númenor in Tolkien's trilogy. Like most places with a thin line between reality and the “twilight zone” of Faerie (the fairy world), what you see is sometimes difficult to believe.
This background look at the Discworld “clicks” is all about the silent movie era, which began just before the turn of the last century and lost steam in 1929. During this era, such actresses as Theda Bara, Clara Bow, and Mary Pickford, and actors such as Douglas Fairbanks Jr., Charlie Chaplin, and Buster Keaton reigned supreme. But since
Moving Pictures
is an homage, you can find allusions to several different movie genres as well as to silent and “talkie” movies, such as
Gone with the Wind
(Pratchett's
Blown Away
),
Lassie, Conan the Barbarian
(Pratchett's
Cohen the Barbarian
),
The Gold Rush
(Pratchett's
The Golde Rushe
),
The Gold Diggers of 1933
(Pratchett's
The Golde Diggers of 1457
),
The Third Man
(Pratchett's
The Third Gnome
),
The Fog, Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman, King Kong, Valley of the Dolls
(Pratchett's
Valley of the Trolls
),
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,
and others.
But beyond the movie magic is the horror of the Chaos-causing “Others” who want to take over Holy Wood and the world. See, that's what happens when the line between reality and the nightmarish Otherworld is crossed by the unwary (
The Grudge/Grudge 2
or any other horror film). Sadly, many places around the Disc are gateways to the Dungeon Dimension.
The Others are not to be confused with the Chaos-causing “Them” of
Equal Rites
—another group out to take over the world or even the Chaos-causing “Them” that Nanny Ogg uses as a euphemism for the Lords and Ladies (the elves) in
Lords and Ladies.
4. Jason Ogg's Smithy
A much happier place is Jason Ogg's smithy. Jason Ogg is part of the legion of fairy-tale blacksmith/farriers. Amazing things can happen at a blacksmith's forge. In
Smith of Wooton Major,
by J. R. R. Tolkien, a boy who swallows a fairy star tucked away in a slice of cake later becomes a blacksmith of incredible skill and a traveler in the land of Faery. In
Spindle's End
by Robin McKinley, Narl is the
fairy prince turned blacksmith—nearly a physical impossibility since fairies can't stand the touch of iron. The Brothers Grimm included some stories involving blacksmiths, namely “The Three Brothers,” in which one brother, a blacksmith/farrier, is so skilled at his trade, he can shoe horses even while they were running. In “The Master-Smith,”
121
a folktale from one of the collections of Peter Christen Asbjørnsen and Jørgen Moe (see
chapter 1
), a blacksmith makes a deal like the one Jabez Stone (a character in “The Devil and Daniel Webster”) makes with the devil (who is sometimes known as Death in some versions of the tale) to become the best blacksmith (and farrier) of all. Although he can't duplicate the wonders he sees a stranger perform at the forge, he is given three wishes from the stranger (who is possibly God and travels with Saint Peter) to help him trick the devil, and keeps his soul.
As Pratchett mentions in
Equal Rites,
“Any halfway competent blacksmith has more than a nodding acquaintance with magic, or at least likes to think he has.”
122
Jason Ogg may not be the magic practitioner that wizards are or his mother, Gytha Ogg, is. But, as we learn in
Lords and Ladies,
he can shoe anything—magic in itself. Unlike the master-smith of that story, Jason doesn't try to trick Death. He instead keeps to the code of being the best at anything. And being the best means you have to keep working at the trade of which you're the best.
5. Fourecks
Remember
The Lost World
by Arthur Conan Doyle (and the movie)—the South American country where dinosaurs still walked the Earth in a pre–
Jurassic Park
way? (Not to be confused with
The Lost World
by Michael Crichton, where dinosaurs still walk the
Earth in a post–
Jurassic Park
way.) And how about
The Island of Dr. Moreau
by Jules Verne—where a mad scientist goes gene-splicing crazy by making animal-human hybrids? And then there's
Lost Horizon
by James Hilton (and the movie) where two men find a Tibetan lamasery—Shangri-La—after crash landing in the Himalayas. And last but not least, there's the ultimate castaway story:
Robinson Crusoe
by Daniel Defoe, which inspired the movie
Cast Away
with Tom Hanks and a volleyball named Wilson.
Fourecks, the so-called “last continent” of Discworld, is a lost world in transition, part Shangri-La, part
Crocodile Dundee
(G'day, mate), part
Island of Dr. Moreau
and
Robinson Crusoe
with a touch of Aztec history and
South Pacific,
thanks to wizard and housekeeper castaways from Ankh-Morpork. Mrs. Whitlow can't seem to wash those men right out of her hair, but goes for island wear with a flair. The minor god encountered by the wizards is the Dr. Moreau who makes creatures that evolve. Alas, the wizards' utopia crumbles at the first sign of an argument and danger. But there are no T. rexes, sadly, or lamaseries—just a version of Unseen University (BU instead of UU). It's not Shangri-La, but it's home.
6. The Library of Unseen University
If you checked out those
Librarian
movies on cable (
The Librarian: Quest for the Spear
;
The Librarian: Return to King Solomon's Mines
), you saw a librarian in a more active state than those at your local branch, thus proving that a library can hold wonders beyond those in books.
The library at Unseen University is one of the most magical and dangerous places on the Disc, thanks to L-space and such magical books as
The Summoning of Dragons
by Tubal de Malachite, which is a point of contention in
Guards! Guards!
and
Necrotelicomnicon
—an evil book by Achmed the Mad, a Klatchian Necromancer.
Supposedly, every book ever written or yet to be written appears in this library. (We wonder if this book is there.) In L-space, creatures such as the Kickstool crabs and the Thesaurus loiter. The Librarian is the steward of this realm and one who handles the books like a lion tamer.
We can't help thinking of Merlin in
The Sword in the Stone,
with his magical library of books, again some of which hadn't yet been written. The Beast in Robin McKinley's novel
Beauty,
a retelling of the Beauty and the Beast story, has a similar impossible library.
7. The Post Office of Ankh-Morpork
A post office isn't exactly what you would call a place of magic, not in our world anyway, where years seem to pass while you wait in line and the check's always in the mail. (Maybe that
is
magic.) But magic happens at the Post Office of Ankh-Morpork. And we're not just talking about the sorting engine created by Bloody Stupid Johnson (see
chapter 19
). We mean the mystical link between the Postmaster, Moist von Lipwig, and the mail. He can hear the letters speak. (But “can he hear the letters sing” à la
Les Mis
?)
Moist von Lipwig is no Henry Chinaski, the disgruntled postal clerk in
Post Office,
an autobiographical novel by German writer Charles Bukowski; yet they share the same desire to get out of Dodge. But Pratchett adds a touch of mythology with Moist's Hermes-like gold getup, not to mention the visions Moist sees of the Post Office of the past. Kind of reminds us of the ghosts Jack Torrance saw in the Overlook Hotel in
The Shining,
the 1977 novel by Stephen King, which came out in film form in 1980 and as a miniseries in 1997. Of course, Jack
was
going crazy when he saw the ghosts, and wound up trying to kill his family. But it brings up a point about atmosphere. Just as being in the hotel changed Jack for the worse, the Post Office helps change Moist for the better. Now, that's magic.
8. The Pyramid of Djelibeybi
You don't have to hop on a plane and head to Egypt to visit a great pyramid—not if you read
Pyramids.
It's fitting that one of the magical wonders of Discworld is also a pyramid—the Great Pyramid that Teppic feels coerced to have built for his late father. (Not to be confused with the Great Pyramid of Tsort, which is an allusion to the Great Pyramid at Giza.) Teppic's pyramid is the pyramid to end all pyramids—and to end the world, while it's at it.
Constructing a pyramid back in ancient times normally required thousands of workers and many years to complete. Case in point, the pyramid at Giza might have taken a workforce of possibly 100,000-300,000 people ten to twenty years to build. (Historians aren't really sure about the numbers.) But the pyramid for King Teppicymon XXVII is assigned to be completed in three months with just a fraction of that workforce. How is that even possible? “Pyramid energy,” Euclidean geometry, and temporal displacement—the perks of a world of magic. And this pyramid can do what the pyramid at Giza can do—make a whole country disappear without the aid of a volcano.
 
 
There you have it—the eight great magical wonders of Discworld. And no travel arrangements were necessary. Perhaps these wonders will stick around longer than the Colossus of Rhodes.
A Few Words About Footnotes
A
nother magical wonder of Discworld are the tiny notes you find at the bottom of many of the Discworld novels. If you've slogged through a high school or college research paper, perhaps you thought you'd die if you had to write another footnote, let alone look at one. Footnotes are not usually the most interesting items on a printed page.
123
But the footnotes strewn throughout the Discworld novels are among the funniest footnotes you can find in books. If you miss them, you miss key information and vital back-story.
Pratchett's not the only author who has fun with footnotes. Jasper Fforde, the writer of the Tuesday Next and Nursery Crime series, goes wild with his. Sometimes characters converse through his footnotes! Susanna Clarke, the writer of Jonathan Strange and
Mr. Norrel
l, also uses footnotes to help tell the story of the history of magic in England.
But getting back to Discworld, where else but in the footnotes can you find the hysterical story of Glod (Witches Abroad), the philosophy of Ly Tin Wheedle (Mort), or the résumé of Mrs. Marietta Cosmopolite (a former seamstress, but not a “seamstress,” if you know what we mean) as Moving Pictures describes? But then, you probably already knew that.
BOOK: Secrets of the Wee Free Men and Discworld
10.59Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
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