See How She Awakens (10 page)

“First, you must face the truth, what has passed, and what is to come. You must make peace with yourself, the being you’ve become. When that is done, we can learn how to break the darkness’s hold on you. Only when all of this has been complete will you be ready to help your friends.” Aberto looked to the pyre as a thought crossed my mind. He’d gone through something similar to this, a shift, a change in who he once was. 

“Fine.” I muttered turning back toward the fire.

Staring at the pile of wood, a thousand thoughts began to run through my mind. But I knew it was time. Aberto was right. This had to be done.

“The last time I did one of these, we just used the fireplace in the cabin. Is there some sort of ceremony or something I should do? I don’t want to mess this up.”  I wanted to do this right, for Kennan, for myself.

“The closest in heart to the departed lights flame to the pyre. Once it is fully engulfed in flames, we will honor his memory with our own memories of his life.”

Aberto handed me a piece of wood that had been set aflame. I wasn’t really sure when he’d lit it, but it didn’t matter.  Thoughts of Kennan swirled in my mind as I touched the flame to the wood, igniting it into a raging fire.  As the flames multiplied, my life with Kennan moved through my mind. Memories unfolded, bringing me back to the moment I first met him.  It was just after my Grams had died…

I reached for the door handle, and the minute my fingers connected, I felt I was exactly where I belonged.  Tingly warmth spread throughout my extremities.  The whole thing seemed utterly bizarre.  Ultimately, I brushed it off as the endorphins created by the change in my regularly scheduled programming.  I opened the door and stepped inside. 

The pub was unassuming. There were several booths along the far wall by the door. Down toward the end of the building was a stage where live bands played on weekends. Then there were a smattering of tables and the bar. There weren
’
t very many patrons sitting around, but I hadn
’
t expected there to be many on a Wednesday night. I started to move toward the bar and felt as if I were being watched.

I looked up to find a pair of brilliant blue eyes trained in my direction. A sudden wave of d
é
j
à
vu rushed over me as I took in the man belonging to the eyes. He was unreasonably tall and broad. He was built like an old-timey Irish boxer with a barrel chest and narrow waist. I took him all in, and I knew I had never seen him before. A man that imposing would have stuck. However, he did leave a strange tickling sensation in the back of my brain.

I brushed it off as a reaction to the man
’
s undeniable hotness. I broke eye contact and made my way to a bar stool just to have him come back into view. He walked up and stood in front of me, and I realized he was the bartender. I supposed if I hadn
’
t been gawking, I would have noticed him behind the bar. Operation socialize Izzy was going spectacularly. Sheesh, I needed to pull it together.

“
What can I get for you there, Red?
”
 
He asked with a hint of laughter in his voice.  I looked up into his eyes and was astonished with what I found.  The man was just inhumanly gorgeous.  So not what I needed right now, I was here for friends. 

Our meeting led to me remembering how we’d become roommates, then best friends. All of it led up to the moment everything changed; the moment I found out I was something more than I’d ever known.

“
What are you?" I asked simply. The most complex question that came to my mind was
‘
what are you?
’
Like he was going to tell me he was a werewolf or vampire. I needed to cut down on my novel intake, it would seem.

“
What I am is the same as you, just a little different. I
’
m a Guardian, a sworn protector of the Seers. More precisely, I
’
m your Guardian. I have sworn a vow to keep you safe from those that would do you harm. Hence, I kidnapped you to a cabin in the middle of the Olympic National Park wilderness. I thought we were safe in Chicago. I honestly did, and then he found you. He
’
s been looking for so long. But I
’
m getting ahead of myself. Are you following me so far?"

I nodded in encouragement. I was afraid if he stopped I wouldn
’
t be able to get him talking again.

“
Your mom is a Seer as well. She can predict the future outcome of events. She can even predict various outcomes of a situation based on the different choices that can be made. She
’
s amazing. She can pick out when a natural disaster will happen within the second. She can even predict winning Lotto numbers if she really wants to focus her attention that way. I
’
ve never seen anything like her before. She
’
s the best of all of the Seers throughout history, and you are predicted to surpass even her." He said this with a look of awe, like it was a good thing.

“
You keep saying she is, Kennan. What she is, is dead. She has been for a long time," I said with an obvious air of confusion around me.

“
No, she
’
s not.
”

With those four little words, he
’
d successfully flipped my world on its ear.

Then the dreaded night, the night when I’d thought I’d lost him. So many times the memory had played out in my mind. So many times I wished I could go back and be stronger, to stop Xavier from ever hurting him.

I turned my focus back to Xavier, only to find he had been waiting for me to awaken.

In his hand was a gun pointed straight at Kennan. Before I could even scream, Xavier smiled in my direction and pulled the trigger. It hit Kennan in the throat and then he fired again hitting him in the chest. There was so much blood.

I was drowned in it, a whole new horror replacing all of the nightmares Xavier had induced. He had just brought them to reality, and I was overtaken by a haze of red. I was numb to the pain. No longer could I hurt; he had just taken away the one person that was my entire world.

So many times, I’d almost lost Kennan. And now, he was truly gone. But not without leaving his mark on my soul. My very existence echoed with hundreds of memories of him. The first moment we’d kissed; the life we’d planned to live out in our quiet house in Alabama. The way he made everything in me feel perfectly at peace. I wanted to spend a millennia wrapped up in those memories—the good, the ugly, the fantastic, and the awful—each one as precious as the last.

“Izzy, the time has come. What do you wish to speak into the flames?” Aberto said, pulling me from the memories parading through my mind.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I walked toward the fire, getting as close as the flames would allow me. I whispered into the flames to Kennan.

“Kennan, I don’t know how to breathe without you. Your laughter will never again be heard, your smile never again seen. I won’t get to feel the brush of your skin against mine. Though I miss you more than my words can possibly speak, I am blessed. I would live a thousand lives for the chance to live those moments again with you. To see your face as I walked into the bar for the first time, to rediscover what you were to me all along, to know you loved me—I would do it all again to have one more moment. Aberto says you sacrificed yourself so I could live. I would have stayed with you in the void forever. Never to hear you again, to know that my future will never be yours—the pain is unbearable. I don’t know if I can go on, I don’t know if I want to go on.”  Sobs wracked my body, causing my words to come out in choked cries. 

“Kennan O’Malley, you are the bravest man I will ever know. I never once deserved your love, but you loved me anyway. You made me want to be strong, to be the best possible version of myself that I could. I know I can’t stay like this, to live with this ache inside of me forever. I will never forget you, my heart will never heal from the loss of you. But I know I do your memory no honor by lingering on a future that can never be. You gave your life so that I might live. I will try.” 

Falling to my knees, the heat warmed my tears as they slid down my face. My home was truly gone. I could never go back to him, to the way things had been. He was gone, and it was only now that I truly understood. Aberto had been right, I hadn’t accepted his death. Even now, I didn’t know how to move forward, to live a life without Kennan. I didn’t want to, and that made it all the harder. 

“May I speak, Izzy?” Aberto’s voice came from behind me, pulling me out of my own head and back to the present.

“Yes.” Unsure of what he may say about Kennan, I stilled to listen.

“Kennan was the kind of Guardian we are all called to be. He was strong, loyal, and even now is called to the service of the heavens. His soul will be revered for millennia to come. The loss of him is felt profoundly, not just by his Seer, but by us all. The world was better for having him.” Aberto, the man of few words, had spared many for Kennan. Those words meant the world to me; I knew they had not come easily.

“What now?” I asked, sitting back to pull my knees up to my chest.

“Now we watch as the flames burn. We watch until their light is extinguished. Then you must move forward.”

So we sat, watching as the pyre burned, and the wood collapsed unto itself. We watched as the flames burnt the massive logs into ashes, and as the embers slowly died. The day melted into night as we sat, watching the last of Kennan’s light burn out. When the last spark finally extinguished, I looked up to the sky, the sea of stars sparkling high overhead, and I could feel him. I knew he was out there, somewhere, watching me. It could be enough, knowing I wasn’t quite so alone. It had to be.

“Ready?” Aberto asked, standing with his hand outstretched to help me up.

“I don’t know if I will ever truly be ready, but I can’t stay like this forever.” I clasped his hand.

As we made our way back to the shack in the middle of nowhere, I was surprised to realize the darkness had left me alone. 

“Aberto, I haven’t felt the darkness for a long time now. I know it is still there, but it hasn’t been yammering in my head.”

“Love,” Aberto muttered. 

“What do you mean, Love?”

“Remember when Uriel said love and sacrifice would be your salvation? Well, Kennan sacrificed himself so you might live. Love is what will allow you to do so.”

“I don’t understand. How can love help me to live when the man I love is gone?”