See How She Awakens (9 page)

“
I have made no secret of my affections for her, that
is true.  Despite those feelings, she has chosen you, Guardian.  Do not forget there is more at stake here than her love.  Her life is on the line.  The prophecy has spoken, she will fall.
”

“
What is this about then? What do you know?
”
 
Kennan growled.

“
You will die.
”
 
Aberto
’
s voice was stiff, void of any emotion.

“
What?
”
 
Kennan turned towards Aberto, gripping his arm tightly. 
“
What do you mean? When? How?
”
 
Uninhibited fear radiated from his every pore.

“
On the day of the reckoning, when the beast emerges, you will die. Your death will trigger something in Izzy, something that must happen in order for her to do what must be done. I know not why or how, I just know this must be.
”
Sadness coated every word.

“
Are you certain? What of her, will she perish?
”
Kennan
’
s strained voice asked.

“
I am unable to see Izzy
’
s fate. Once I interceded, her future shifted. Into what, I know not. As for you, I
’
ve known my entire life. I saw it the day I was brought into existence, and I
’
ve seen it every day since.
”
Aberto looked back to the swamp, doing his best to mask the sadness in his eyes. His sadness wasn
’
t for Kennan, it was for me. I
’
d seen it countless times.

“
Swear to me you will protect her, that you will not leave her side.
”
 
Kennan grabbed Aberto
’
s shoulders turning his body to face him,
“
Swear it to me," he choked out.

“
You need not even ask it, but I shall swear it all the same.
”
Aberto reached for his elbow to swear an oath.  An unbreakable bond that could never be revoked. 
“
I swear I will guard and protect her all of my days, no matter how many they may be. She will never be alone from this day onward.
”

“
See that she is not. If you don
’
t mind, I
’
d like to be alone for a while.
”
 
Kennan
’
s voice faded as reality came rushing back.

I stood, abruptly, knocking over the bitter coffee in the process. My chest heaved as panic began to rise. He’d just been there, in the flesh. He’d been so real, and now he was gone once more. I’d never get him back again, and he’d known. He’d knowingly gone into battle to die. Aberto had told me, but I hadn’t truly believed him until now. And then he’d left me in the void. He was always leaving me.

Perhaps he never loved you.

“He loved me. I will never doubt that,” I whispered.

“Izzy?” Aberto questioned.

“Just give me a second.”  I strode to the edge of the porch and grasped the railing, doing my best to calm the turmoil raging inside of me. My heart ached for the loss of Kennan, and it always would. But he’d left me; he’d knowingly gone into that battle to die. I still couldn’t wrap my mind around that.  If I were being honest, I’d have done the same. He’d done what he did so I could live and I’d hidden away in the dreaming. What of him in the void? How could I ever leave him if I had him with me?

Slowly, my breathing returned to normal and I sat back down in the chair as Aberto watched me. Ever searching for something, anything that might explain what was going on inside of my mind. Maybe he couldn’t hear me anymore.

“I’m ready. Explain the sacrifice and the rest.”

“Kennan sacrificed his love for you, his connection to you, so you could move forward. You never would’ve left the void had he not let you go.” Aberto’s gaze turned back to the horizon, as if he were afraid to see my reaction to his words.

“I’m not sure I will ever move forward, Aberto.” We both knew it was the truth, but having it spoken caused something to happen.  A shift occurred, as if two pieces of a puzzle were finally clicked into place. 

“I understand.” Aberto never took his gaze from the distant looming mountains.

“What of the love?” I asked.

“Isn’t that obvious?” Aberto turned to me, his eyes capturing mine. His promise to Kennan echoed in my mind, he’d never leave me. As long as I remained within his reach, he would never let me go.

“When you said you’d return me to the void if Molly wasn’t as you said she was, would I have gone alone?”

“No.” Aberto stood, walking to the edge of the porch where two small steps waited.

“Conjure yourself some appropriate shoes, we are going for a walk,” Aberto said, abruptly changing the subject.  My eyes took in his clothes, never having paid attention before now. 

Aberto walked off into the distance, looking like some great archeologist on a dig in Egypt. It suited him somehow. The further he got, the more he blended in with the expanse of the dessert. Quickly, I conjured myself some shoes and headed out to meet him.

“Why a walk?” I asked, catching up with him.

“Being trapped inside of that building with you is difficult.” His eyes burned bright with tightly controlled passion.

“Got it.” He had never made any secret of the way he felt for me, but having nothing to thwart his attention was unnerving. I’d been honest when I said I didn’t think I would ever be able to move on from Kennan, regardless of the connection I’d always felt with Aberto. Just as I knew, Aberto would never push the issue. He would remain as he always had been, even if his eyes belied the truth.

“Tell me what you believe is happening to you, Izzy. Why do you speak to yourself?” Aberto continued walking, to where, I wasn’t quite sure.

If you tell him, he won
’
t believe you. You will be nothing more to him than a problem to solve. Don
’
t tell him the truth, Izzy. You will regret it.
The darkness clambered, desperation rang out in its tone.

“Something happened to me when I tried to defeat Sonneillon. The demon promised me I would be the vessel of destruction, and since that day I’ve felt it writhing inside of me. The darkness hides within me, turning everything I love and hold dear into something sick and twisted. It whispers to me. It is getting harder to discern whether its words are truth or lies. It’s been getting stronger. Every day I spend outside of the void, it grows.”  I paused, thinking back on the night before, what I’d seen in my eyes.  “Aberto, look into my eyes, really look.”  I grabbed his hand pulling him to face me.

His body shifted, towering above me, his gaze moving to meet my own. I looked up at him, hoping, begging he would see what I’d seen.

“Am I going crazy? Or can you see it?”

“There is a darkness within you. I can see it now, as I refused to see it before.” Aberto reached his hand up to my face, grazing his thumb over my cheek.  “When is it strongest? What does the darkness want from you? Did Sonneillon say before the end?”

“I’m not sure. Sometimes I think it wants to control me to use me for something, other times it tries to tempt me into ending myself. Which is crazy, because I thought I couldn’t die.”  I moved away from Aberto, the proximity to him not helping me to explain how the darkness had been changing me. “Sonneillon said it lived within me now.  You saw the way Uriel reacted to me, as if I am some sort of tainted thing. The thing that scares me most is that it is growing. The demon told me time was my enemy, and I believe it. With each passing minute, it expands, it takes over a bit more.” 

“What does it feel like?”

“It feels as though some parasite is taking control of my body, of my mind, and I have absolutely no control. When I am angry, or when the hurt becomes too much, it gets stronger. It takes advantage of my weakness, preys on my fears. At the Order, the way Ian was toward me, though justifiable because he is scared for Molly, caused something to shift within me. And when everything started to fall apart, the darkness took advantage of my fear. It took control, and if I’m being honest, it felt good. I wasn’t afraid, I felt strong."

I will keep you strong. Let me rule you
.

“What of the voice? The one you answer to so frequently.” Aberto’s tone was that of a teacher, a guide. Passionless and direct.

“It speaks in my mind, urging me to doubt everyone close. To rely upon its guidance. Sometimes I can see the error in its logic, but that is getting harder. This morning, when you came in it was trying to convince me that you had left me alone, that you wouldn’t return for me.”

“And you believed it?” Gone was the professorial tone.

“No, I didn’t.” 

“How were you able to discern its words were not truthful? What made this time different?” Aberto questioned.

“You,” I answered truthfully. Any time the darkness had tried to make me doubt Aberto, it had never been truly successful. Even when it had tried to convince me of him wanting me for his selfish reasons. I wasn’t sure if it were the bit of his soul residing within my own that fought the darkness back, or if it were the history we’d shared. Either way, the darkness was powerless to control the truth where Aberto was concerned. It could stir the anger within me, and bring up the doubts that already existed, but it would never be able to place new fears.

He closed the distance between us; his body heat radiated against me, sending shivers down my spine. “What do you mean?”

“I think it has something to do with your soul being inside of me. I doubt you, but my doubts are my own. The darkness can feed from my fears, but it can’t make me feel things I didn’t already feel with you. It isn’t like that with everyone.”

“Is that what happened at the Order?”

“Yeah.” I swallowed back my fear as I plunged headfirst into the truth. There would be no turning back, but I didn’t want to fight this alone.  “Aberto,” I paused unsure if I could really press on.

“Izzy, I am here for whatever it is you need.”

“I need to know. Are you here because of the prophecy, and what I mean to the world, or are you here because you think it will pull me closer to you?”       

“I care not for this world. Have my past actions not shown as much?” He raised a wry brow as a crooked smile graced his mouth. “As for why I am here, it is for you. Not for some expectation or hope, but to help you as I swore I would. I am yours, I’ve always been yours. In whatever capacity you will have me.”

A chill raced down my spine as the darkness churned within. Aberto was changing things. His presence meant I may just have a fighting chance against what was building inside. For the first time since I’d been brought back, I began to feel a glimmer of hope that I wouldn’t change into a monster.

“The darkness never leaves, Aberto. It is always there, waiting, listening. Even now, it lurks just beyond reach. When I killed Sonneillon, I took the darkness within myself. That isn’t something that can be undone.”

“So we will find a way to make the darkness more bearable, submissive to your will.”

“Do you think it is possible?” I was afraid to hope, to believe I would ever be strong enough to control something so depraved.

Aberto’s fingers pushed a stray hair behind my ear, his hand lingering for a second too long. “Izzy, I think you are capable of a great many things. Now come, I want to show you something.”

“I thought we were trying to fight the darkness within me?” I shouted toward his back.

“You must first heal in order to fight the darkness. You have not yet grieved your lover, or paid homage to his memory. It is time.”

“I remember him in every breath I take, mourn his absence, the loss of him. I don’t need to focus on it, it is always there.”

“There is a difference between what you are doing and actively facing the loss. You live with it, but you have yet to accept the truth.” Aberto stopped next to a pyre, ready to be lit.

Memories of the ceremony Kennan, Ian, and I had done when my mother died came rushing forward. We’d laughed that night, loved, found solace in one another’s grief. Here, I would be alone in my pain. But this was the way of our people. I would honor Kennan and keep his memory.

“After this we’ll find a way to save Molly? To make things right with Ian and the others? I don’t want their last memory to be of me being so, off.”