See How She Awakens (11 page)

“When we walked down to the pyre today, what did you feel? What were the emotions most present?” Aberto’s question made me assess just how I’d really been feeling.

“I was angry and hurt. Guilt for being the one that lived, and pain for never being able to have the future I’d wanted with Kennan.” I paused on the steps leading into the house.

“What do you feel now?” Aberto’s eyes met mine.

“I feel loved. I was loved more than most people are ever loved in a lifetime. It still hurts, and I still want, more than anything, to have him back, but I know I can’t keep living, waiting for it to happen.”  I paused, waiting for my brain to process what Aberto had said.  “What happens when that love fades into the recesses of my mind, when the thoughts most prominent must be of the fight and defeating the darkness?”

“I will remind you that you are loved,” Aberto replied simply. “Now, get some rest, tomorrow we will begin making you whole once more.”

“Aberto,” I paused for a moment, unsure of what to do, before wrapping my arms around his waist.  I pulled myself closer to him so the bit of his soul within me hummed contentedly, once more united to form a whole. “Thank you for this.”

Aberto seemed taken aback by the contact, but slowly, he wrapped his arms around me.  I was folded into him as his voice rumbled in his chest against my ear, “You will never have to be alone again. Never.”

Slowly, I disentangled myself, stepping back to peer up into his face. The memory of the first time I saw him skirted through my mind. Not the memories I’d lost, but the night he tattooed a protection symbol on my back. His face, so inhumanly gorgeous, remained the same. Only somehow, now, it was different. His eyes shone down, silently assessing me.

“You need rest.” His jaw clenched as he broke eye contact, breaking the spell that held me in place.

“You’re right. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Anxiety tinged my voice, causing it to shake.

“I will return.”  And like that, he was gone.

Staring up into the sky once more, I was amazed at the brilliance of the stars shining above. I didn’t want to go inside the house to be alone, I wanted to remain under the gleaming night sky, but sleep beckoned me.

Reluctantly, I made my way into the house and toward the bed.

You forget him so easily. The way you looked upon Aberto says it all. You never truly loved Kennan.

“That isn’t true.” Or was it? I’d just felt something spark between Aberto and I, and Kennan hadn’t even been gone a year. 

You see, even you will not deny the truth. You never deserved his love, or his sacrifice.

“STOP!” I shouted, pressure building within me. No. No, it wasn’t true, there had always been something between Aberto and I, even when Kennan was alive, and I’d chosen Kennan. I would always choose Kennan.

Would you? If you could choose right now, who would you pick? The one that died knowing you would be alone, or the one that lies to you? Neither of them ever loved you. You are alone, Izzy.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” The desperate cry ripped through the room as the pressure overtook me. Shattered glass rained down from the windows as the wave of my pain destroyed anything fragile in its path. It was too much. The darkness had left me only to return stronger than ever. It had found a new weakness to exploit, a chink in my armor.

As the last of the glass settled on the floor of the house, blackness descended
. 

The inky fog beckoned me, pulling me further and further way from the world I knew. The void called to me, reminding me of the solace I
’
d found there. Or had I? Was I happy there?

The fog twirled around my legs as the void pulsed in the distance. I could stay for a while, I wouldn
’
t be so alone. Kennan was there. No, he had to leave. Why had he left me?

With every step I took, the void
’
s pull grew stronger. 

Go into the void,
the darkness growled.
You were never strong enough to end this. Give up now. Find your Guardian. Reunite with him.

“
Kennan is gone.
”
The name spoken from my lips stirred my mind, pulling everything into focus.
“
I won
’
t go back in there.
”
 
I pulled away from the hold the void had on me, dragging myself backwards. 
“
Never again.
”

Why stay? There is nothing for you on Earth. Let it all go, Izzy. Float in the void as you did before.

“
I. Will. Not. STAY!
”
Anger pulsed from my center. I was strong enough to fight the pull of the void.
“
I have too much to lose.
”

You’ve already lost everything. Give up, Izzy. Stop fighting.

“
No, I haven
’
t.
”
The admission lessened the pull of the void. Slowly, inch by inch, I made my way backwards until the void was nothing more than a flicker of light in the far off distance. The darkness was wrong, I hadn
’
t lost everything. Names raced through my mind, all of the people I still wanted to protect. I couldn
’
t do that if I gave up. Maybe I wouldn
’
t be strong enough to stop the darkness, but I
’
d be damned if I didn
’
t try.

You will not prevail.

“
Maybe not, but I am going to put up one hell of a fight, you bastard.
”
A spark began somewhere inside of me, something I hadn
’
t felt in months. I
’
d found peace at Kennan
’
s funeral, and now, in the vast dreaming, I
’
d found something worth living for.

Time is your enemy; I will overtake you,
the darkness growled, echoing as another voice pulled me from the dreaming.

“Izzy!” Two strong hands shook me as the dreaming melted away.

“Why are you shaking me?” I asked groggily, trying to makes sense of my surroundings.

“You would not awaken.” Aberto’s eyes were haunted.

“Well, you could’ve come into the dreaming and found me. You don’t have to create an earthquake to get my attention.”  Sitting up on the bed, I ran a hand through my tangle of auburn waves. Even after losing my corporeal form to exist in my current state, I couldn’t control the wild mane.

“You were nowhere to be found. I sought you out, but there was no trace of you. Thus, as you say, the earthquake.” Aberto rubbed a hand across his jaw, his face held in thought.

“The darkness tried to get me to jump back into the void.” The memory of all that had just passed came back as the last of the fog finally faded.

“How were you able to resist the pull?”

“I really don’t want to relive it, if it’s all the same to you.”  I stood up, pacing the room. The fear, the loneliness still lingered in my bones. I’d fought it off, but the darkness had reminded me, as it always did, that time was against me. Eventually, my strength would fail, and I would be overtaken.

“If we are to understand how to repress the darkness, we must first understand how you are able to overtake it. There may be a pattern, a method to eradicating its hold on you. Perhaps you may one day be able to defeat it completely.”

“It tried to tell me I was alone, that I had nothing left to fight for, to live for.  But I do: Molly, Ian, Conall, Sena, Mona, Eleanor, even you. I may not be strong enough to save all of humanity, but I may be able to help you. My strength may fail me, but I will not fold without a fight. Kennan died so that I may live. Through the anger, the hurt, and the loss, his love remains. I can’t disgrace his memory by giving up. He called to me in the dreaming, begging me to leave, to help those I loved. The darkness had weakened me, taken my brokenness and used it to confuse me.” Resolve settled into my bones. I wasn’t sure how I would defeat the darkness, to push it back, or if I could ever truly be rid of it. But I would rather die fighting than give up and watch everyone I love suffer as a result of my weakness.

“Again, love.” His eyes searched my face, a question lingering, unspoken.

“Aberto, no more secrets. If there is something you want to say, just say it.”

“I would like to attempt something, but if it is too much, too soon, we can stop and attempt it another time.” Aberto’s reluctance caused my stomach to drop. He’d never been cautious with me before, always pushing me harder and farther than I ever would’ve gone on my own.

“What?”

“I would like to draw the darkness to the surface, to see if you can knowingly resist the pull.”

“I don’t understand.” He wanted to draw the darkness? I thought we were trying to repress it, not throw it a welcome party.

“Each situation you have been successful in resisting the pull, it has been by sheer accident. Nothing more than a serendipitous aligning of your memories and emotions. It would behoove us to see if you are able to resist it with intent.” Aberto closed the space between our bodies, placing his hands on my shoulders to hold me in place. My fearful eyes shone back at me in the reflection of his own. “If you are not ready, we will wait. Only yesterday, the darkness held sway over you.”

“There’s no time like the present.” My voice cracked as the nerves took hold. Steadying myself, I asked what I truly feared, “What are you going to do to draw out the darkness?”

“Whatever I must.” Reluctance played across his face. He would have to hurt me, to twist my emotions in order for the darkness to surface. “Izzy,” his hand lifted to cup my cheek as his voice lowered, “it is never my desire to harm you.”

“I know.” Stepping away from him, I swallowed deeply. Whatever was about to happen, I wouldn’t like it, and neither would he. I just hoped the darkness didn’t take me over completely.

“Let us begin.” Aberto’s tone shifted, taking on the same tone he’d had when he pushed me to learn how to soul walk. There was no kindness, only ruthless efficiency.

“I’m ready.” I lied, knowing I would never be ready to surrender to the darkness inside of me.

Aberto stood across the room, staring at me. I wondered why he waited. Minutes ticked by as he stood. Assessing me, searching for a weakness to exploit.

“You are not strong enough to save Molly. If you were, we would not be here now. Your weakness is a disgrace to the memory of Kennan.” Aberto’s words were like a punch to the stomach. They sucked the air from my lungs as they hit home, the truth a painful reminder of all I feared.

I could feel the darkness stretching, waking up as the fears took hold, but it remained silent. I looked into Aberto’s questioning face and shook my head. It hadn’t worked, not yet.

“More,” I whispered.

“Did you really think it would end so easily? That you, one person, would be able to destroy the darkness forever? What sort of arrogance must you possess to believe yourself to be so important?”

Anger replaced the fears, sparking the darkness.  It moved within me, absorbing my emotions as it grew. 

He was the one that convinced you, that told you you were strong enough. He never believed it, Izzy.

I knew it was a lie. Aberto’s belief in me was unquestionable. Though the darkness had been roused, it held no sway.

“More,” I spoke through gritted teeth as Aberto continued his assault.

“Kennan never believed you were capable of fulfilling the prophecy. He kept you hidden away, never revealing the truth because he found you lacking. The man that loved you the most, never believed in you. What does that say of your talents, Seer?” He’d thrown off the gloves, no more was I Izzy to him.  I was just ‘Seer.’ His face etched in anger as he continued to say the words that may harm me the most. “Did you believe your love was infallible? Did you believe he did all he did to protect you? He did it because he lacked faith in you. He didn’t believe you capable of carrying the burden of the world, and he was right. You failed.”