Seeing Your Face Again (16 page)

Debbie glanced away. There was no way to come out ahead in this discussion. She knew her mother considered her life in the Amish community a waste. But for some reason working at McDonald's
was great—as long as a person was going in the right direction. Debbie pushed the bitter thoughts away. She'd come to speak with Lois and convince her to visit at the house, not fight with her mother.

“Shall we go in and sit down? No sense in chattering in the hall like magpies.”

Her mom apparently was ready to make peace. “I came over partly to see if Lois wished to visit at home.” She turned to Lois. “Perhaps today?” She might as well come right out and state the purpose of her visit. Otherwise they'd maunder around for twenty minutes of conversation none of them would enjoy.

A look of alarm flashed across Lois's face. “Go home? Visit today? I couldn't go looking like this!”

At least Lois hadn't taken total leave of her senses, Debbie thought.

Even Callie joined in. “I agree, Lois. You should visit, but in one of your old dresses. And with something on your head.”

Lois's hands fluttered about for a moment. “I'll be right back then. I guess it would be
gut
to visit.”

Lois turned and dashed down the hall toward Debbie's old bedroom.

Debbie turned towards her mother. “Did you have to allow her to change so fast? You know Saloma will see what's happened. The poor woman is suffering enough already.”

Callie sighed. “Do you think you could have held back that girl under these circumstances? Well, you couldn't. She's like one of Bishop Beiler's calves they let loose after a long winter.”

Debbie felt a smile creep across her face despite the seriousness of the situation. Her mother's description fit perfectly. Calves turned loose in the spring nearly turned the barnyard upside down as they dashed about with hooves kicking every which way. It did put Lois's actions in a different light. Not that it was any easier to bear or would cause Saloma less tears.

Silence fell between them. Debbie shifted on her seat. Her
mother wasn't trying to make trouble, she told herself. Mom has her own ideas about life, and they don't mesh well with the Amish way of thinking. But who could blame her mother for that? She'd never been Amish and never planned to be.

Lois interrupted Debbie's thoughts when she rushed back down the hall. How the girl had changed so quickly with all the pins involved, Debbie couldn't imagine. After all her months with the Beilers, she still stuck herself while she dressed.
I guess that's one advantage of growing up in the Amish faith
, she supposed.

“Ready to go!” Lois's face was glowing.

“Take care then.” Callie opened the front door for them. “Will you be back for lunch, Lois?”

Lois didn't think long. “I doubt it. Maybe I'll just make it a day at the house. Cheer
Mamm
up a bit.”

Callie nodded. “You do that. I'll see you when you get back.” Her mother clearly had no fear that Lois would decide to stay at home. She probably believed Lois would never go back to the Amish way of life.

“Life is so
gut
to me right now,” Lois chattered. “And your
mamm
. She's
Da Hah
's gift from heaven for me. The things she does for me! I couldn't begin to mention all of them. She drives me to work each day and picks me up. I plan to get my driver's license.” Lois talked away as they walked out the driveway and down the road. Finally she said, “But enough about me. Now fill me in on all the news from home.”

“There are mostly troubled hearts right now,” Debbie admitted. “I'll let the others fill you in on what's going on.”

Fifteen

B
efore Debbie and Lois were halfway across the Beilers' lawn, Ida came running out of the front doorway.

Lois squealed and raced forward to grab her sister in a tight hug. The two clung to each other for a long time.

Debbie waited. She'd expected something like this, but even so, the reunion brought tears to her eyes.

“Look at you!” Ida held Lois at arm's length. “You still look Amish.”

Lois frowned. “I put on one of my old dresses and my
kapp
, but this is not who I am now.”

Ida took Lois by the hand. “I thought you might come in your
Englisha
clothing. This is better, and I'm thankful. Now come.
Mamm
will want to see you.”

Lois held back for a moment. “Ida, did
Daett
say I could come? I didn't think of that until just this moment.”

“We all miss having you around, Lois. I'm sure
Daett
will be okay.”

Lois didn't look convinced as she followed her sister up the front steps.

Debbie tagged along behind them. Ida didn't pause as she led
Lois inside, and Debbie caught a glimpse of Saloma on the rocker as the door swung open. There was welcome written on Saloma's face even though she hadn't come to the door. The first sight of her daughter in a while might be a shock Saloma preferred to take sitting down. Debbie was glad Lois had changed. Saloma would eventually see her daughter dressed
Englisha
, but that didn't have to happen today.

Lois approached Saloma, her step a bit hesitant. “
Mamm
, I'm home for a visit.”

Saloma rose and reached out with both arms. Lois flew into them, and the two hugged each other.

Ida wiped her eyes in the silence that was broken only by Saloma's soft sobs.

“Are you home to stay?” Saloma asked hopefully as she let go of Lois.

Debbie figured Saloma knew the answer, but she still had to ask. That was a trait of an Amish woman Debbie hadn't fully acquired—the hope they possessed at times, even in the face of great difficulty.

“You know the answer to that,
Mamm
. But I can at least come home at times to visit…can't I?”

Saloma's voice caught as she agreed. “
Yah
, Lois. And I'm glad you've come today—and in decent clothing with your
kapp
on.” Saloma reached up to tuck a strand of hair back under Lois's
kapp
.

Lois blurted, “
Mamm
, you need to know I'm not going to hide the way I'm living. It's what I've wanted all these years. And it's so
wunderbah
I have no words to describe it. It's like I'm finally free. But if it makes you feel better, I will come home looking like this for a while yet.”

“You've cut your hair, haven't you?” Saloma asked as she tucked another strand of Lois's hair under her
kapp
. The effort had little effect because the section of hair floated loose again.

Lois's voice turned timid. “
Yah
. And since I don't have that much
money yet, Callie—Debbie's
mamm
—insisted on paying. She said I'd look more
Englisha
and fit in better.”

A tear ran down Saloma's cheek. “You're cutting your hair like a horse in the barn, Lois. How can you do such a thing after being raised so decent all of your life?”

“
Mamm
, please!” Lois took both of Saloma's hands in hers. “Let's not fight about this. I came over to see you and to tell you how much I've been missing you. I want to hear all about what's happening here at home.”

“My precious daughter…” Saloma apparently couldn't let go of the subject. “This is so wrong, Lois.” Saloma sighed. “But let's not speak of it anymore. Come sit, and we can talk.” She motioned toward the couch as she took her seat on the rocker again.

Ida sat down beside Lois as Debbie slipped into the kitchen. She would busy herself while they conversed. She wasn't really part of the family, and Saloma needed time alone with Ida and her youngest daughter. Debbie paused to look around as a stab of pain ran through her. For the first time since she'd moved in with the Beilers she no longer thought of herself as part of their family. With Alvin's and Lois's departures, the dream of being part of them seemed far away and slipping further away with each passing moment.

In the living room, the low voices of the three women rose and fell as Debbie's thoughts drifted over the past few weeks. Alvin and Lois had made their decisions to leave the community. Paul Wagler's attention toward her had increased to the boiling point. And in a way that bothered her, it seemed her parents had turned against her by welcoming Lois into their lives in her place. What was to become of her? Debbie bolted out the washroom door and gasped for air. Was this some sort of panic attack? Or was she just realizing that she didn't seem to have a home anymore. Not really a Beiler, and not really a Watson either. Who was she?

Perhaps she needed an honest talk with the bishop. That would
make more sense than if she spoke with Saloma as Ida had proposed. The women were occupied inside the house and would be for some time. What better time than right now? Debbie placed her thoughts in action. She approached the barn and pushed open the creaky door. The dim interior pulled her in. She took deep breaths of the musty air that smelled of hay and cows and well-cared-for horses. The back door was open with a manure spreader backed up against it. Emery and his dad were bent over their pitchforks as they cleaned out the horse stalls. Debbie approached them with soft steps.

Emery noticed her first. “Well, look who's come to help us!” he sang out.

Bishop Beiler looked up with a start. “Debbie! I'm surprised to see you. Is the Saturday hanging heavy on you?”

“I suppose so,” Debbie allowed. “May I help you?”

“I wasn't serious.” Emery laughed.

“Well, I am.” She gave him a warm smile.

“Right over there.” Bishop Beiler pointed toward another pitchfork. “And there's still room on my side. We should have this first load up before long.”

Debbie sank her fork in the gathered pile the men had moved from the stalls. She could take considerably less each swing than the two men, but that didn't surprise her. She worked slowly but steadily alongside them in silence until the manure spreader was filled. She leaned against the barn wall and caught her breath. Emery drove the team and manure spreader out of the barnyard and over to a snowy field.

“I'm guessing you didn't really come out to help load manure,” Bishop Beiler said once Emery was out of earshot.

“No, I didn't.” Debbie searched for words to continue.

“Troubled about what's going on?” Bishop Beiler leaned on his fork. “I see you took Lois inside the house a moment ago. Were you expecting me to come in and speak with her?”

Debbie shook her head. “I didn't really know what you'd do. I knew you saw us go in. That's why I didn't say anything.”

Bishop Beiler nodded. “I couldn't help but notice with all the shrieking going on.” He smiled briefly before his smile faltered.

“I understand,” Debbie said. “It must be unsettling for you.”

He appeared weary now. “You spend your life training up your children, working with the church, hoping things will turn out okay, and then this.”

“Lois did give you plenty of warning.”
Now where did that boldness come from?
Debbie wondered. Now seemed the moment to speak her mind though.

The bishop lowered his head. “I was hoping you'd help me out in that area. And you did for a while.”

“Are you disappointed in me?” Debbie heard her voice catch.

Bishop Beiler stroked his beard. “Not in you. Maybe in the plan I had. I guess when Alvin left…” He paused. “Debbie, you didn't have anything to do with that, did you?”

“Not unless liking him is a sin.” Debbie didn't meet his gaze.

Bishop Beiler managed to laugh. “I think that's a virtue more than anything.”

Debbie ventured a chuckle. “I don't think the others in the community will see things that way.”

Bishop Beiler took his time before he answered. “I suppose you want me to speak plainly, Debbie, since this morning seems like that kind of day. Well,
nee
, the community won't tolerate things as they are going for very long. How long, I don't know, but there are rumblings already. The time will run out soon, I'm afraid.”