Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (19 page)

Despite never catching a foul ball at a baseball game, Jerry still loves the New York Mets, and attended game six of the 1986 World Series.  He played left field for Friends O'Clyde, a comedy club softball team, and subsequently joined the Improv team as pitcher, which had a memorable game against the cast of
Rochelle, Rochelle
.  While playing for Friends O'Clyde, Jerry once threw a man out at home plate on a sacrifice fly with a runner on third base.  The team won and earned a berth to the championship game.  Jerry's single-worst moment in life was a deplorable performance in the championship game when he was thrown out after running on a pop fly (he thought there were two outs).

Jerry has been a member of several health clubs: New York Health Club, New York Health & Racquet Club, Manhattan Plaza Racquet Club and Physique Health Club.  In 1997 his parents hired a personal trainer, Izzy Mandelbaum, to whip their son into shape.  It was Go-Time, and Jerry’s trip to The Gladiator Gym seemed more like a fitness museum tour.

Lastly, Jerry plays tennis, and purchased a $200 Wilson tennis racket based upon the opinion of a pro shop owner, Milos.  Jerry was furious when Milos exhibited deplorable tennis skills, so Milos offered a bribe--a sexual dalliance with his wife, Patty.  To help Milos regain respect, Jerry purposely lost a tennis match.  When Milos began teasing Jerry for playing dreadfully, Jerry retaliated by embarrassing the tennis pro.

Criminal History

Jerry's criminal record includes public urination, soliciting a prostitute, and criminal indifference.  In 1991, a security guard arrested Jerry for urinating in a parking garage at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall.  According to Jerry, since age 11 he had a medical condition and was issued a public urination pass from the city.  The doctors indicated that holding it in could cause the fatal uromysotosis poisoning.

After spending an evening at a party in Long Island, Jerry told the homeowner, Steve Pocatillo, to visit whenever he was in the city.  Steve unexpectedly visited, and invited an escort.  After ejecting Steve, Jerry was forced to pay the prostitute for her wasted time, which coincidentally was witnessed by Sergeant Chadway who promptly arrested him.

Jerry had a defective stereo that required repeated repairs.  Two years after the warranty expired, Kramer arranged for a refund by mailing the package and insuring it for $400.  When the package arrived broken, he visited the post office to collect the insurance proceeds.  Newman investigated the claim for suspicion of mail fraud, and Jerry was fined for the offense.

The most serious infraction was failing to offer assistance to a crime victim.  While visiting Latham, Massachusetts, the gang videotaped a carjacking, and instead of offering assistance, they made snide remarks.  They were arrested under article 223-7 of the Latham County penal code, which requires people to help or assist anyone in danger provided it is reasonable to do so.  The Good Samaritan Statute is modeled after the French law that was passed after the Princess Di accident (when all the photographers just stood around).  The maximum punishment is an $85,000 fine and five years in prison.  They were prosecuted in the Forrest District County Court with the Honorable Arthur Vandelay presiding.  They retained attorney Jackie Chiles, and were found guilty of criminal indifference, and sentenced to one year in prison.

Although not criminally prosecuted, Jerry was audited for contributing $50 to a fraudulent charity, the Krakatoa volcano relief fund.  According to Jerry, an audit is the financial equivalent to a complete rectal examination.

One embarrassing transgression involved Jerry cashing a check with insufficient funds in his account.  On December 15, 1996 Jerry bounced a $40.00 check (#1246) at the Columbus Deli, so the store owner, Marcelino, prominently displayed the draft on his cash register with all the other bad checks.  Jerry was especially embarrassed about the check design--clowns with balloons--and claimed it was an error on the part of his bank, City Trust & Savings Bank.

Apartment

Since 1985, Jerry has lived at 129 West 81st Street, and is most remembered in apartment 5A (though the number has changed over the years).  Jerry's telephone number is KL5-2390, and when the building superintendent installed low-flow showerheads, he combated the problem with a black market Bosnian showerhead.  Despite having a tenant laundry room, Jerry prefers Fluff n' Fold.  Unfortunately, he accused the business of stealing $1,500 from his laundry so he had Kramer dump cement in a washing machine.  Jerry uses All-Tempa-Cheer because it is the best smelling detergent, and he purchased the Commando 8 air conditioner that has 12,000 BTUs.

Jerry's most visible neighbor is Cosmo Kramer, who lives across the hall.  It all began when Jerry invited his neighbor over for pizza, but surprisingly enough Kramer did not want to impose.  Jerry’s most fatal mistake was telling Kramer, "What's mine is yours."  The other memorable neighbor is Newman, Jerry's sworn enemy, who has been described as pure evil, and a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.  It has always been Jerry's dream to have Newman move out of the building and rid the apartment of future flea infestations.

Jerry has hired at least two people to clean his apartment.  The first, Ray, performed immaculate services--uncoagulating the top of the dishwashing liquid, cleaning the bottom of the egg cups in the refrigerator, scrubbing the one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter, and Windexing the apartment door peephole.  Unfortunately, Ray also stole a statue from Jerry’s apartment.

The other hired hand, Cindy, worked for Maid To Order.  She was an aspiring actress, model, dancer or newswoman who earned $40 for her services, which included disinfecting the blinds, vacuuming the couch, and sex.  When she continued to collect the fee without cleaning, Jerry refused payment, and was contacted by her "pimp" employer.

At one point Jerry contemplated installing illegal cable so he could watch 75 Mets games per year.  When two Russian immigrants, who escaped from the Gulag, caused a scene in the apartment, Jerry canceled the installation.  He then refused to pay the Russians $400 for their services, so they cracked his television screen.

Jerry's apartment is decorated with a multitude of trinkets, such as a Superman statue, Battleship game and Checkers.  He has a bottle of Hennigan's scotch that his uncle gave him in 1989, which he uses as paint thinner.

Once, while out of town, Jerry asked Elaine to house-sit.  Inevitably, the apartment was burglarized when Kramer entered the apartment to borrow a spatula and then exited without closing the door.  Jerry does not carry renter's insurance because he purchased the Clapco D-29, the most impenetrable lock on the market, but it had only one design flaw--the door had to be closed!  After the incident, Jerry contemplated renting a two-bedroom apartment on West 83rd Street.  The perfect abode escaped his grasp because George expressed interest in the tenancy, so they offered it to Karen, a waitress at Monk's Café.

In 1995 Jerry briefly rented an apartment in Tuscany, Italy.  After merely inquiring into whether a house was available, a well-connected mafioso arranged a rental unit.  In addition, Jerry and Kramer share a mini-storage unit at Manhattan Mini Storage, and Kramer rents his portion of the unit to Newman.

Automobile

Jerry's auto mechanic, David Puddy, is probably the only honest mechanic in New York City.  However, a disagreement over him using Jerry's special sexual technique nearly ended their business and personal relationship.  Jerry was upset that Puddy used “the move” on Elaine.  He asked Puddy to use "the move" outside of New York City, so Puddy told Jerry to take his car repairs to someone out of town.  When Jerry was subsequently gouged by another mechanic, he apologized and allowed Puddy to use the technique.  According to Jerry, there is no comparison between a good mechanic and sex.

Nevertheless, within a year Jerry switched mechanics, but the new grease monkey, Tony Abbado, had an emotional attachment to the car.  He made Jerry feel guilty about failing to properly maintain and inspect the vehicle.  When Jerry decided to take the car to another mechanic, Tony stole the car.

In 1992 Jerry owned a 4-door midnight blue BMW that required a one-minute idling period.  The car telephone number was 555-8383.  The car was stolen when a neighbor, Sid, left the keys in the ignition.  Upon recovery by the police, the car was Simonized and the front end aligned.  In the meantime, Jerry visited Worthy Rent-A-Car to rent a blue Ford Escort.  George crashed the vehicle into an ambulance, causing $2,866 in damage, which was not covered by insurance.

The following year, Jerry's car, with only 23,000 miles, had to be abandoned because of an offensive body odor.  After dining at a restaurant, the valet tainted the car with B.B.O. (beyond body odor), rendering the vehicle unsaleable, even to a car dealer.  The car was replaced with a 1992 midnight blue convertible Saab 900, tan leather interior (license plate #JVN 728).

When Kramer provided a blood transfusion to Jerry's bone-dry radiator, the engine clotted, which required Jerry to shop for a new car.  After performing a comedy show for a car dealership, Jerry was offered a new Saab, but his childhood friend Frankie Merman gave him a full-size van (when they were 10 years old they always talked about how cool it would be to own a van).  When Jerry decided to sell the van, Kramer assisted in writing the newspaper advertisement, and added "interesting trades considered."  In response, Kramer offered Anthony Quinn's undershirt (acquired when the screen legend removed the garment before doing sit ups in the park).  Kramer subsequently borrowed the van to establish a Mobile Postal Re-education Center and dispensed anti-post office flyers.  Jerry was firmly convinced to sell the van after George's parents were caught making love in the back.

Once again, Jerry was in the market for a new vehicle so Elaine's boyfriend, David Puddy, arranged an insider deal for a Saab 900 convertible.  When a discussion about excessive high-fives caused Elaine and Puddy to break up, Jerry was treated like a regular customer and billed for rustproof, transport charge, finder's fee, keys, additional overcharge, floor mats, and storage surcharge.  Jerry promptly reunited the couple but still lost the insider deal by refusing to high-five Puddy.

After witnessing a hit-and-run, Jerry followed the car, approached the suspect, and asked the attractive motorist, Angela, for a date.  Unfortunately, the victim, Becky Gelke, was a gorgeous neighbor, and also the object of his affection.  When Jerry contemplated telling the truth, Angela threatened him with bodily harm--specifically, carving her initials into his brain tissue, plucking all his body hairs with her teeth, and bashing his skull into a Vegematic like a bad cabbage and having a party on his head.  Jerry decided to pay Becky $875, so naturally she suspected that he was the hit-and-run driver and refused to date him.

Employment

Jerry proudly boasts that he never had a job in his life.  However, as a struggling comedian, he worked on street corners selling umbrellas until 1981.  In fact, he invented the umbrella twirl, which is used by sidewalk vendors to attract the attention of pedestrians.  Jerry was appalled when Teddy Patalak was given credit for inventing the twirl; they worked together on 48th and 6th, and endured tropical storm Renee.  Three years later Teddy almost lost his house because of the poncho craze and in 1996 had to contend with the urban sombrero.

Due to a successful comedy career, Jerry appeared in several television commercials.  The endorsement for Leapin' Larry's Wholesale Appliance and Electronics was nearly canceled when Jerry's leg fell asleep and he started limping (Leapin' Larry thought Jerry was making fun of his prosthetic leg).  Jerry makes amends and then accidentally torches the business.

Although not a viable occupation, Jerry found a career niche bootlegging movies.  When he received two sneak preview tickets to
Death Blow
at The Guild 50th Street Theatre, Kramer's friend, Brody, brandished a gun and forced Jerry to bootleg the movie.  Jerry felt uncomfortable pirating the feature, but received rave reviews for his work.  He agreed to bootleg another movie,
Cry, Cry Again
, at the Art Greenwich Theatre, but only so children could appreciate the excessive violence and strong sexual content.  When Brody rejected Jerry's request for three cameras and headsets, Jerry walked out on the project.

Comedy Career

As a successful comedian, Jerry conceals his identity by using the hotel registration alias of Slappy White, or his non-performer alias, Kel Varnsen.  Although Jerry's comedy routine does not include voices, he does a credible Barney Fife impersonation.  Due to a profound respect, Jerry would like Gabe Kaplan to be his career mentor.

Over the years, friends and family members have intimated that Jerry's comedy career is dead.  George and Kramer counseled Jerry, and even discussed having him enter the Bloomingdale's executive training program.  Jerry's mother also agrees it is time to find a new career and suggested advertising because he is clever.  As everyone repeatedly mentions, he made some good observations but it is time to move on.

Despite the naysayers, Jerry wrote jokes for the Tony Awards and is a big star in Japan.  In fact, the television networks included a one-second clip of his act in the opening credits of the Japanese comedy show, "The Super-Terrific Happy Hour."  As a result, Jerry receives hundreds of royalty checks worth 12 cents each.  Besides income, success has other advantages, such as being featured in
Entertainment Weekly
and
Time
magazine, and having appearing on the "Today Show," "The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson," "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," "The Late Show with David Letterman," and "The Charles Grodin Show."

Conversely, the less pleasant attributes of stardom involve signing autographs and promotional events.  Jerry dreads signing photographs because he never knows what to write.  For a waitress in upstate New York he wrote, "Nothing's finer than being in your diner."  Jerry also participated in charitable events, such as a PBS telethon, "Today Show" appearance to promote a Goodwill benefit, and a personal visit to Donald Sanger (the bubble boy) who has a rare immunodeficiency in his blood.