Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (20 page)

In preparation for an appearance on "The Charles Grodin Show," Jerry devises a humorous anecdote involving a bottle of Memphis barbecue sauce with a picture on the label that resembles Charles Grodin.  Jerry also considers using a doll that looks like Estelle Costanza.  Nevertheless, both options were foiled by Susan Ross' former college roommate, Sally Weaver.  The following year Sally moves to New York to pursue a comedic acting career.  After several unsuccessful years, Jerry convinces her to quit (with Kramer's assistance).  Jerry felt bad because he would prefer that Sally quit after years of rejection and failure, when she was finally prostituted by the porn industry.

Naturally, a stand-up comedian travels frequently, and Jerry has become a master packer.  Packing is no different than leading men into battle--you have to know the strength and weakness of every soldier in the platoon.  Jerry has mentioned performing in the following cities: Memphis, Minneapolis, Ithaca (at the Civic Auditorium), and Dallas (in a club where he was paid with a pair of cowboy boots).  Jerry was also hired to perform for a rodeo because they heard he once opened for Kenny Rogers.  An interesting sidebar, Kenny Rogers once threw Jerry off a bus in the middle of Alabama.

Jerry's booking agent, Katie, treats Jerry like a pampered celebrity who needs total control over every decision.  In one incident, she infuriated an airplane pilot by claiming that Jerry did not want him in the audience; the pilot reciprocated by refusing to allow Jerry to board the return flight.  In another incident, Katie booked Jerry for career day at his old junior high school.  After two mishaps--being bumped by Mr. Amiri from the Bronx Zoo and a premature fire drill--Katie arranged a two-hour appearance in the auditorium.  Jerry even bumped Rick James ("Super Freak"), but lacked sufficient material to fill the two-hour time slot and bombed.  After the fiasco, David Letterman personally called to cancel Jerry's appearance on “The Tonight Show.”

Jerry regularly performs at the Improv on 358 West 44th Street, along with other comedians, such as Ronnie, the prop comic; Pat Buckles, an untalented comedian whose family moved from Bensonhurst to the fish-smelling town of Sheepshead Bay when he was 12 years old; and Kenny Bania, a hack comedian who believes anything that dissolves in milk is funny and has a 12-minute bit on Ovaltine.

In 1994 Bania began lifting weights and went from size 40 to 42 (he's huge).  He outgrew an Armani suit and offered it to Jerry in exchange for dinner, which created numerous problems when Bania refused to classify his meals as dinner.  Jerry eventually gave the suit to Elaine's boyfriend because he was tired of dealing with Bania's meal commitment.

Although Bania should be setting up pins in a bowling alley, he became Jerry’s comedic protégé.  Soon Bania was riding Jerry's coattails to success--after Jerry warmed up the crowd, Bania had great performances; when Jerry broke up with Jenna, Bania picked up the leftovers; when Jerry received a television appearance, Bania was added to the lineup.  Jerry decided to give a terrible performance to prove that Bania was a hack, but NBC still offered Bania a television pilot.

Jerry consumes a double-fudge sundae every time he bombs onstage.  In one instance, Leonard Criston, critic for
Entertainment Weekly
, indicated that "Seinfeld froze like a deer in the headlights" when heckled by Elaine's coworker, Toby.  In response, Jerry fulfilled the ultimate comedian's revenge--heckling someone at work.  When he chided Toby in her office, Jerry was likened to Rosa Parks by opening the door for other comedians.

Pilot

In 1993 NBC executives Stu Chermak and Jay Crespi saw Jerry's comedy act and were interested in discussing a television comedy series.  Jerry had no ideas about a television concept, until George suggested a series about "nothing."  The entire idea was to have characters sit around talking about absurd topics, such as the difficulty a Spanish-speaking person must have trying to order seltzer versus salsa.  Kramer’s pilot idea would have Jerry managing a circus, and the show could be about freaks (because people want to watch freaks).  When devising the show, Jerry and George purposely excluded Elaine as a character because they did not know how to write for a woman and there were too many characters.

The pilot was temporarily canceled when George was caught staring at cleavage, which happened to belong to 15-year-old Molly Dalrymple, the NBC president's daughter.  Jerry and George eventually convinced Dalrymple to reinstate the pilot, but only after utilizing Elaine’s cleavage to entice Russell.  The NBC pilot was named "Jerry," and in the story line Jerry had an automobile accident with someone who did not have insurance, so the judge sentenced the uninsured motorist to be Jerry's butler.  The actor who portrayed the butler, Charles, was John Ritter's cousin.

During rehearsals, Jerry was dejected because his acting stunk, and also feared that the pilot would fail and ruin his comedy career.  As Jerry performed the opening monologue prior to filming, Joe Davola jumped from the balcony screaming "sic semper tyrannis" ("death to tyrants"), which was what John Wilkes Booth yelled after shooting Abraham Lincoln.  In the opening credits, the episode was entitled "The Pilot!" and created by Jerry Seinfeld & George Costanza, with Morris Brandes as the executive producer.  Moments after the show ended, NBC's new president Rita Kierson contacted Jerry to announce that NBC was passing on the show.

As a comedian, Jerry never received a cable special but was approached by NBC executives to participate in a Special Network Showcase.  Jerry hoped this would pave the way for another television pilot, but he intentionally sacrificed the opportunity to prove that Bania was a lousy comedian.

Five years later, NBC president James Kimbrough arranged a meeting to discuss resurrecting the pilot.  NBC offered a 13-episode commitment and a Wednesday night time slot to nurture the show and build an audience.  George and Jerry planned on moving to California, but were offered NBC's private jet for a vacation before making the journey, so they decided on a trip to Paris.

Relationships - Generally

According to Jerry, there is no point to a kiss outside a sexual relationship, and he is not particularly thrilled about handshakes either.  Jerry claims to be a good kisser, but had to work on it.  While other kids were outside playing, he was in his room practicing kissing.  In addition, he claims to be good in bed; he knows how to work the equipment because he is not unskilled--he is in the union!  Naturally, he feels inadequate about fake orgasms, which is akin to sexual perjury.  When Elaine makes the claim, Jerry insists that Elaine give him another opportunity to satisfy her.  When she acquiesces, he experiences impotence.

Jerry likes walking dates because he does not have to look directly at the person, and day dates because there is no wine or bathing.  He dislikes double dating, and the tallest woman with whom Jerry ever slept had sex was 6'3."

According to Jerry, the problem with starting a relationship is that each person has a secret sexual timetable outlining when certain intimate activity will occur.  Jerry believes there should be a manual for sexual standard dating procedures to settle any problems that may arise.  Despite different timetables, a romantic weekend trip always accelerates the intimacy level of the relationship.  Six months is accomplished in three days, and the relationship advances to Phase II--extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency, walking around naked and better gifts.

Jerry likes curls on a woman, extra teeth in her smile, and a touch on his arm when they are talking.  He is also attracted to chambermaids.  Jerry would rather date someone deaf than blind because the blind person would probably be messy and he would always be walking around with a sponge.  Jerry would never date a dentist because she would criticize his brushing technique.  Jerry once dated a nude model but she never let him see her naked.

Jerry dated women with nose jobs but never a woman with breast implants.  Nose jobs are insignificant because men do not touch the nose, do not aspire to reach the nose, do not unhook anything to get to the nose, and no man ever tried to look up a woman's nostrils.  Jerry does not mind dating someone with a phony personality, but when it comes to artificial breasts he draws the line.

According to Jerry, nonverbal communication vis-à-vis romantic relationships are based upon the person touching their face: when asked about the relationship, if the person touches higher parts of their face, that translates into greater relationship difficulties.

If a man incessantly cleans for a woman--straightening, cleaning the tub on his knees with Ajax and a lot of scrubbing--the man is in love (tub is love).

Whether a man can date another woman while dating someone else is based upon several factors: 1) how long they have been dating; 2) phone call frequency, i.e., daily; 3) whether a Saturday night date is implied; 4) whether there are any female items in the medicine cabinet; and 5) whether she has Tampax in his house.

Jerry has a patented sexual technique, known simply as "the move," that requires an unpadded headboard, a clockwise swirl as the finale, and there cannot be more than a one-foot differential in heights (otherwise the man could hurt his neck).  Jerry offers assurances that if George can master "the move," he will never be alone again.

Relationships - Miscellaneous

The following is a select list of significant observations that Jerry made about romantic relationships and the parties involved: a relationship is like an organism: if you create it and then starve it, the organism will turn against you; God's plan is that he does not really want men and women to get together and does not want relationships to work; only 4-6% of the population is good looking, and the rest is undateable (but alcohol brings them together); the best breakup story that makes a man more datable is George's widower saga; women do not respect men who order salads.

Breakups.
Although breaking up should be like removing a Band-aid--one quick motion--most breakups take two or three attempts so the man can build immunity to the crying.  Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine--you have to rock it back and forth a few times before you can tip it over.  Besides, make-up sex is the best feature of the heavy relationship.  After the sixth date, a breakup must be face-to-face, unless there was no sex.  Afterwards, when an ex-girlfriend finds a new man, the ex-boyfriend always cares who she is dating because he does not want it to be someone he knows or someone better than him.

Relationships - Elaine

Elaine and Jerry had their first date in 1987, and he tried to impress her by contributing money to the Krakatoa volcano relief fund.  Their romance was like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd, which included a romantic excursion to Puerto Rico.  During their brief encounter, they had sex either 25 times (according to Jerry), or 37 times (according to Elaine).  The most intriguing revelation was that Elaine faked every orgasm.  Kramer could hear the screams, and her acting performance was like Meryl Streep.

Despite having an intense relationship, the romance ended because they fought frequently and had problems with their physical chemistry.  They tried numerous arrangements but could not remain friends while sleeping together.  Two years after the breakup, they reintroduced a physical component to their friendship, and established a set of rules: 1) No calls the day after sex; 2) spending the night was optional (because sleep is totally separate from sex); and 3) no kiss good night (because it is bourgeois).

After the first dalliance, Jerry thought the sex was better--Elaine must have taken some kind of seminar.  Naturally, while shopping for Elaine's birthday present, Jerry did not want to send the wrong message--jewelry or a music box (too relationshippy), candle holders (too romantic), lingerie (too sexual), and a waffle maker (too domestic).  Jerry settled on $182 and a card that read, "To a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more."  When the sexual arrangement nearly dissolved their friendship, they resumed purely a romantic relationship.  Although the liaison quickly expired, Jerry never thought Elaine would find someone better than him.

Relationships - Blind Dates

Jerry feels the term "blind date" is derogatory toward the sightless.  He does not believe that blind people want to be associated with all those losers.

Considering Jerry's preference for Chinese women, he eagerly anticipated dating Donna Chang.  The fortuitous meeting resulted when George's telephone line became crossed with hers.  Jerry assumed she was Asian based on several clues--her last name, quoting Confucius, teaching acupuncture, and suggesting dinner at a Chinese restaurant.  He was gravely disappointed when she proved to be a Caucasian woman from Long Island, and that her real surname was Changstein.

Jerry has a blind date with Susan Ross' best friend Hallie, who works with The Flying Sandos Brothers, a popular European act.  Hallie is perfect--smart, intelligent with a great sense of humor--but the relationship sours when she fails to show interest in his missing Friars Club jacket.

Elaine's cousin, Holly, only likes men who eat hearty meals, complete with large helpings of meat.  She ends the relationship after discovering that Jerry was discarding meat in dinner napkins.

Elaine's assistant, Sandra, is best remembered for talking dirty about her panties during a heavy make-out session.  Jerry tries to keep pace by saying, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you."  Sandra is embarrassed, upset, and offended at the comment, so she leaves the apartment and refuses to speak with him.

Relationships - Specifically

According to Jerry, men are expected to be superficial in romantic relationships.  He certainly had his share of superficiality when it comes to breakups.  Here is a brief list of reasons for the breakup: liking Dockers television commercials, which he hates (Donna); preference for a bowl of soup (Sheila, alias Schmoopy); eating peas one at a time (Melanie); eating a discarded pecan pit (Shelly); brushing teeth with a toothbrush that was knocked into the toilet (Jenna); repeatedly wearing the same outfit (Christine); having man-hands (Gillian); refusing to give a massage (Jodi); laughter like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer (Naomi); his parents thought she was perfect (Ellen); prior romance with Newman (Margaret); and not being Chinese (Donna Chang), just to name a few.