Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (22 page)
Read Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia Online
Authors: Dennis Bjorklund
Meryl pretends to be Jerry's wife to receive a 25% discount on dry cleaning. He initially enjoys married life, but shortly after the honeymoon phase, their relationship descends into endless bickering. They eventually divorce when Jerry realizes that he is not ready for the responsibilities of a pretend marriage.
Gennice Graham, who plays Bette Midler's understudy in the musical
Rochelle, Rochelle
, is known for her fragile yet bazaar emotional state. She bursts into tears for the most inane reasons--the movie
Beaches
, a hot dog falling to the ground, or her shoelace breaking--yet remains composed when her beloved grandmother dies. Gennice has her big break when George incapacitates Bette Midler during a charity softball game. Jerry is labeled an accomplice and likened to Gillooly, while Gennice is ostracized by the other actors.
While performing on the road, Jerry meets Laura, a political science teacher from Lansing, Michigan, who is intelligent, attractive, and a great conversationalist. When she visits New York to attend a seminar, Jerry misconstrues her intentions as romantic. George is the voice of reason and discerns that Jerry is her plan "B." The signals are further distorted when Laura asks to spend the weekend in his apartment. Fortunately, Jerry proceeds with caution and orders a separate cot, because eventually Laura reveals her engagement to another man.
While dating Katya, a Romanian gymnast and silver medalist in the 1984 Olympics, Jerry fantasizes about acrobatic sex that would melt his face and open the door to the magical world of sensual delights. He hopes to be the apparatus but is severely disappointed when the sex is ordinary. Ironically, Katya is equally disappointed. In Romania a comedian is supposed to be so virile and potent--and Jerry is no comedian. (FYI: Katya's old Olympic teammate, Misha, became a tightrope acrobat for Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus.)
Jerry uses a unique approach when dating Lena Small. After receiving her unlisted telephone number from an AIDS charity list, Jerry wisely misdirects the conversation toward him purchasing a boat. Unfortunately, Lena is too nice--she is environmentally conscious, feeds the homeless, and works with shut-ins--so Jerry considers breaking up with her. When he discovers at least 12 cases of the Today Sponge in her closet, his passions become inflamed, but Lena ends the relationship solely because Jerry changes the waist size on his jeans.
Melissa walks around the apartment naked, but Jerry is turned off after witnessing a few unflattering poses. He insists there is good naked and bad naked, and decides to personally demonstrate the distinction. After convincing her to wear clothes, Jerry constantly tries to picture her naked; conversely, when he is naked, she tries to picture him clothed. In the end, they have a hard time conversing, and break up.
Gwen has the distinction of looking good in some forms of lighting and horrendous in others. Jerry meets her at Tim Whatley's Hanukkah party when she was looking good; however, on their second date she is homely. Thereafter, Jerry is afraid to ask her out because he did not know who would arrive--the good, the bad or the ugly. Gwen is always attractive in the back booth at Monk's Café, but she quickly tires of dining in the same locale.
Shortly after dating, Sophie begins calling Jerry and stating, "It's me." Jerry believes it is too early in their relationship for this behavior so he returns the favor. Sophie thinks he is her friend Rafe and claims that she never told Jerry about the tractor story, i.e., contracting gonorrhea from a tractor seat while wearing a bathing suit.
Observations
The government is like your parents: the IRS is like June and Ward Cleaver, the general public is Wally and the Beaver, and the accountant is Eddie Haskel who reveals neat tricks on how to get away with stuff. Jail is like being sent to your room, where you wind up meeting Whitey and Lumpy in the joint.
The best year of your father's life is the clothing style he chooses to wear for the rest of his life. Fathers are like fashion time capsules; even though they continue shopping, they somehow manage to find new old clothes.
One of the better police jobs is the chalk outline guy because the criminals are long gone and there is no danger. The outline artist is probably a sketch artist dropout who is only able to trace dead bodies on a sidewalk.
Regarding the similarities between a person's first and last birthday party: the guest of honor is the least excited person, does not realize there is a party going on, needs help blowing out the candles, and other people choose who to invite.
The lowest function of human life is walking the dog and carrying a poop bag. Aliens must think that dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one is making a poop and the other is carrying it for him, who do you think is in charge?
Women pursue doctors like men chase models--women want someone with knowledge of the body, while men just want the body.
Dating is like being a detective in a murder investigation. The entire evening is spent analyzing clues to discern the other person's intentions.
Men are homophobic because they have weak sales resistance. Men constantly buy apparel that does not fit properly and can be talked into anything. Men fear they will accidentally wander into a homosexual store and be talked into using one of their products (just hold his hand and walk around the store to see if you like it--no obligation).
Sex is like a car accident, and determining a female orgasm is like being asked, "What did you see after the car went out of control?" I heard a lot of screeching sounds, at one point I was facing the wrong way, and in the end my body was thrown clear.
The female orgasm is like the Bat Cave--very few people know where it is and if you are lucky enough to see it, you probably do not know how you got there and cannot find your way back after you leave.
People don't turn down money. That is what separates us from the animals.
Two places that you want to keep a personal distance of at least 6 feet: ATM machine and urinal. Whenever people are taking valuables out of their pants, you want to keep a safe personal distance.
The ideal living room would be the bridge of the Starship Enterprise–a big chair, large screen, and remote control.
Star Trek
was the ultimate male fantasy--hurdling through space in your living room, while watching television. That is why the aliens were always dropping in--Kirk was the only one in the galaxy with a big screen.
What is the parking situation at the Special Olympics? Do they pile a hundred cars into two spots?
Ideas
Racial harmony can be solved if people would look to the black and white cookie--two races of flavor living in harmony. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate, yet racial harmony eludes us.
There should be a body odor squad that patrols the city like a smell Gestapo to sniff them out, strip them down, and wash them with a big soapy brush.
Newspapers should come with a moist Towelette so readers can clean the black ink from their hands.
Jerry does not understand why people say "God bless you" when someone sneezes. He thinks they should say something nice, like "You are so good-lookin'."
Sexual Banter
The supermarket produce section is a very provocative area--melons and shapes with a lot of squeezing and smelling.
Looking at cleavage is like peering into the sun--glance to get a sense of it and then look away.
Condoms are difficult to open so the woman has a chance to change her mind.
One of Jerry's self-proclaimed talents is being able to spot a lesbian.
Jerry claims that masturbating is part of a man's lifestyle, like shaving. The masturbation contest had Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine competing to see who could abstain the longest. They were hesitant to include Elaine because it is easier for women to abstain. The men anted $100 and Elaine was required to pay $150. Despite sexual frustration from a neighborhood nudist and a girlfriend who was a virgin, Jerry won by default when George revealed that he cheated.
According to Jerry, when it comes to oral sex, nobody knows what to do below the equator--you just close your eyes and hope for the best. Women are happy if the man merely makes an effort.
The test for determining whether a man is homosexual: if the penis moves as a result of contact (according to Jerry’s gym teacher). The benefits of homosexuality--dating someone who wears the same size clothing automatically doubles your wardrobe.
* * * * *
Childhood
Born of Italian descent in April 1958, George Louis Costanza spent his childhood in Queens at 1344 Queens Blvd., Flushing, New York. The Costanza's Long Island home has a single-stall garage with a crawl space (used to store the aluminum Festivus pole), while the interior has a potpourri aroma of dandruff, kasha, mothballs, and cheap carpeting. Their neighbors included auto mechanic Buddy Lazzari and his daughter Deena, who lived across the street, and Lloyd Braun, a favorite of the Costanzas and former advisor to Mayor Dinkins. Both male neighbors are recovering from nervous breakdowns.
Although most people believe George is an only child, in fact, he has a brother who impregnated a woman named Pauline. George's mother smoked during her pregnancy with George, but many other factors contributed to his dysfunction. Circumcision was only the physical manifestation of a future filled with emotional torment. George's mother always wanted him to be more like Lloyd Braun, and repeatedly told George that he was not special. She opened and read his mail out of curiosity, never trusted him with the combination to the liquor cabinet (even as an adult), and forbade him from having parties or inviting women to the house without parental supervision.
George was constantly taunted by the other kids because his mother was the ugliest woman in the neighborhood. He was forced to observe her walk around the apartment in a bra and panties--she was disgusting--an ugly, fatter version of Shirley Booth in "Hazel." Another embarrassing childhood incident involved George's father purchasing a LeCar automobile with a fabric sunroof. Frank's salesman friend finagled a deal for the vehicle, and all the kids teased George, shouting "Hey, Le George. Let's stuff Le George in le locker."
George had a relatively lonely childhood filled with teasing from peers and the endless bickering of his parents. In second grade, he was a chubby child with asthma, wore glasses, a retainer, and diapers. George was in the Cub Scouts and remained on Webelos for three years because he kept losing the pinewood derby. The single-most-damaging experience of his life (aside from seeing his father naked) occurred at age 10. George was using a statue as a microphone to sing "MacArthur Park," and when he got to the part, "I'll never have the recipe again," it slipped out of his hands and broke. George's parents looked at him as if he smashed the Ten Commandments.
When George finally moved out, his father converted the bedroom into a billiard parlor, and named the room "The Place to Be." George contacted his parents every Sunday but had to mentally prepare for the conversation by listing a couple anecdotes and praising them for their sagaciousness. Ironically, in 1997 the elderly Costanzas began avoiding George because they were tired of listening to his romantic breakups, employment terminations and weekly telephone calls. George always dreamed of this moment, but
he
wanted to be the one to shun them.
Parents
George refers to his parents, Frank and Estelle, as "the two nut jobs," who are completely insane--his father wears sneakers in the pool and his mother never laughs. Besides watching television for entertainment, his parents also listen to the Ray Conniff Singers.
Since the 1950s, Estelle has been in charge of the kitchen. She prepares roasted potatoes for special occasions and the Spanish dish paella. However, Estelle is not the best cook--she uses too much pepper, the omelets are dry, meat loaf is mushy, salmon croquettes are oily, and her eggplant Parmesan is a disgrace. In 1996 Frank usurped the cooking chores. Regardless of who prepared the meals, dinner often includes a marble rye from Schnitzer's Bakery, followed by cake and coffee. For breakfast, Frank always eats bacon and eggs.
Frank and Estelle were married on October 30, 1944, and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. Since 1967 they slept in separate beds because of Estelle's jimmy arms. After fifty years of marriage, the couple temporarily separated, which was particularly upsetting to George because it meant twice as many visits for every occasion. During the separation, Frank and George became roommates, while Estelle remained in the family home. She also received an eye-job from Dr. Bakersoll who made her look 20 years younger. Soon Estelle was romantically pursued by bra manufacturer Sid Farkus, and even perceived Kramer as a potential suitor when he “stopped short” on her. Frank was furious because he invented “the move,” which he used on Estelle when they began dating in the early 1940s.
