Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (24 page)

Health & Medical Paranoia

After watching a television program on anorexia, George ate like an animal for two weeks, and then in 1991, after watching a PBS episode of "Coronary Country," George feigned symptoms of a heart attack.  While convalescing at Manhattan Memorial Hospital, he was diagnosed with tonsillitis, which he also had as a child.  Kramer convinces George to cure the ailment by visiting Tor Ackman, an herbalist and holistic healer.  After ingesting an herbal tea containing cramp bark, cleaver and couch grass, George's face turned purple like an eggplant, and he was rushed to the hospital.

Estelle pays for George's professional psychotherapy so he can work out emotional disorders and learn to cope with the trauma of being dumped by Susan Ross.  George's therapeutic goal is to be able to approach a woman and say, "I'm bald but still a good person."  According to Jerry, George needs psychological counseling, not just one session per week, he needs Vienna or a university where a team of professionals can have conferences and observe him around the clock.  George admits to having some mental health problems: total inadequacy, complete insecurity, paranoia, and neurosis.  George's dream is to become hopeless; that is his only hope in life.  According to George, without hope, a person no longer cares, and that sort of indifference is attractive.

George’s childhood neighbor (Deena) was also concerned that George exhibited all the warning signs of a nervous breakdown--nervousness, irritability, paranoia, and taking pleasure in the misfortune of others.  George is also described as disturbed, pathetic and depressed.  Sometimes the only thing getting him out of bed in the morning is the prospect of taking a good afternoon nap or reading the newspaper sports section.  One interesting psychological observation is that George cannot tolerate anyone disliking him.  He once bent over backwards to please Jerry's girlfriend (Jodi), and even broke up with Karen because he was obsessed with finding a way to make Jodi like him.

George claims his whole life is a sham and that he is living about 20 different lies.  George lives his life in shame, and does not want to die with dignity because he has none.  He thinks about dying all the time and is bothered by the thought of impending death.  Funerals always make George take stock of his life--how he wasted his life and will continue to waste it.  Despite having no job, money, woman, or prospects, George insists that he is not wasting his life--he is living it!  In fact, according to George, if you condensed all his accomplishments into one day, his life looks decent.

George has great hearing but his vision has been sub-par since childhood (though he claims to have 20/30 squinting vision).  After misplacing his prescription eye glasses, George was duped into purchasing Gloria Vanderbilt frames at J & T Optical.  He made a duplicitous switch with an unsuspecting blind man, but the replacement frames pinched his nose.

Medical ailments always cause George great consternation.  In one instance he was fretting over whether a white discoloration on his lip was cancerous so he had a biopsy performed at West Park Medical Group.  When the lab results returned negative, George was agonizingly distraught until he realized that negative is good.  The only other medical treatment was in 1997.  After falling down a flight of stairs, George's legs sustained extensive trauma.  His body was described as being in a state of advanced atrophy caused by a period of extreme inactivity.  George endured intensive rehabilitation, and after a few months his ambulatory capabilities slowly advanced until he reached complete recovery.

In numerous instances, George has exposed the yellow streak down his back.  From fleeing fires to cowering at cap pistols, George has amassed quite a list of fears.  The following is a sampling of a few trepidations that consume George's existence: being successful (God will kill George before letting him be successful); not carrying a pen in his pocket (it may puncture his scrotum); walking through airport metal detectors (he may step into another dimension); bees; and a fear that his treating physician will diagnose George with meningitis, scoliosis, lupus or cancer.

Bathrooms

George is very knowledgeable about public restrooms.  He can identify the best facility in the city, e.g., Brandt-Leland Investments has the best bathrooms in mid-town New York City.  Despite being fastidious about toilets and public restroom cleanliness, George removes his shirt before sitting on the throne (to be free from all unnecessary encumbrances), and does not use soap when washing his hands.  He does not like to use urinals--he is a stall man and believes that public restroom doors should extend to the floor.  George is also obsessed with toilet paper, and claims there have been no toilet paper advancements in his lifetime and doubts there will be any modifications for another 50,000 years.

The Art of Frugality

When it comes to sniffing out a good deal, George possesses a sixth sense.  He believes that everything should be negotiable, even the price of a citrus drink.  As a lad, George used to put 50 cents in a Lincoln Savings Bank every week but abandoned the ritual after the sixth grade (and switched to Security Merchants Bank).  Decades later the State Comptroller's Office sent him a $1,900 check for interest earned on the account.  George uses the money to purchase triangle art from a dying artist in anticipation of an immediate increase in value.  When the artist recovers, George is left owning useless triangles.

Figure 9 George (Jason Alexander) with Kramer (Michael Richards) at the newsstand.

Despite numerous instances of being frugal, George is offended when Elaine intimates that he is extremely careful with his money.  George retorts that when he is employed, he has generous spending habits.  One of his most notorious acts of frugality was paying $38 to visit a holistic healer to cure tonsillitis, rather than $4,000 to a hospital.  Another example is George attempting to receive a 50% bereavement fare so he could save a few dollars.

George hates asking for change, yet he only carries paper currency.  When donating money to the blind, George only offers coins so they can hear his generosity, and he objects to most gift-giving events--engagements, housewarming, dinner parties, and moving.

Secrets

Much like Elaine Benes after drinking schnapps, a sober George is equally loose-lipped when it comes to secrets.  He has the worst poker face--when he has two pair the whole table knows.  The longest he ever kept a secret was concealing Kramer's departure to California.  The second longest was 28 seconds when Jodi Hirsch told him not to divulge that they slept together.

George's most personal secret is his ATM password.  Nobody was privy to this information, not even his best friend (Jerry) or fiancée (Susan Ross).  Kramer nearly deduced the code by analyzing George's physical appearance, personal preferences, and inner weaknesses--and narrowed it down to chocolate syrup.  The secret was gnawing away at George's conscience, so he disclosed the code, Bosco, to J. Peterman's dying mother.  In her final breath, she screamed, "Bosco, Bosco!"  In the end, George cracked, and revealed the secret code to Susan.

The only unrevealed secret is George's SAT score.  He has lied about his SAT score for years--claiming to have scored 1409--and will take the real score to the grave.  George doubts the veracity of intelligence tests, and doubts he would break 100 on an I.Q. test.  Although people think George is smart, in reality he is not.

Religion

When George resolves to do the opposite, his new religion is to ignore every urge toward common sense and good judgment.  He still accepts traditional religious tenets, such as only believing in God for bad things, and is willing to abandon his religious denomination for the love of a woman.  In fact, he converted to Latvian Orthodox.  After reciting the basic religious plot (lepers, flood, and Ten Commandments), reading a few books, memorizing a few prayers, and most importantly, cheating on the conversion test, the priest believed that George was filled with the spirit of the Lord.  George's father expressed concern that the religious sect mutilates squirrels, and forbid George from performing any rituals in their house.

Ideas & Beliefs

After listening to George's endless prating about anything and everything, one absolute can be deduced; he is very opinionated, and has an answer, belief or thought about all subjects.  The following list highlights a few of his most notable topics of conversation:

George suggested changing the "Cheers" tavern setting because there are other places where people meet, like a recreation room or community center.  He also devised a plan to sell pudding skin singles, which are the thick skin covering the pudding (he uses an x-acto knife to separate the skin without leaving anything around the edges).

There were also discussions about real and fictional people.  George believes the presidency attracts individuals with bad names, and their entire political ambition is based on personal insecurity--a classic case of male overcompensation.  He considers Lyndon Johnson to be the most unattractive world leader of all-time.

According to George, Biff Loman, from Arthur Miller's
Death of a Salesman
, is the biggest loser in American literature, which happens to be one of George’s less flattering nicknames.  George's favorite explorer is De Soto (who discovered the Mississippi River) and his idol is Mickey Mantle.

There are other principles he espouses: George equates parking to prostitution--there is no need to pay because if he applies himself, he can get it for free.  Moreover, he believes that borrowing money from a friend is like sex--it completely changes the relationship.  Finally, the phrase, "women and children first" is an antiquated notion in modern society.  Although this amounts to every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves, George feels he should be commended for treating everyone equally.

Charity/Volunteer Activities

Alec runs the local Big Brothers chapter, and convinces George to become a big brother to Joey.  In an effort to shirk this responsibility, George fabricates a business trip to Paris.  Coincidentally, the organization wants to reunite Joey with his Parisian father but the boy is afraid to fly.  To avoid exposing the intricate web of deceit, George reluctantly purchases the Seinfelds' charter tickets and boards the plane to France.

George also performed volunteer work for elderly.  He spent time with 85-year-old Ben Kantwell, who quickly abandoned his newfound pal because life is too short to waste on someone like George.

Dislikes

Although George Costanza is not known for liking too many things, the following encompasses some of his most despised things: wine, ginger, and pesto; button-fly pants because it takes ten minutes to open them; hotel beds with the covers tucked too tight--he needs room for his toes to point upward; and washing clothes (he has 40 pairs of underwear and instead of washing clothes he keeps buying underwear--his goal is to have 365 pairs so he only has to do laundry once a year).  Finally, George dislikes chiropractors and does not trust car salesmen because there are no rules--anything goes, like
Thunderdome
.

Food & Beverage

George has been a loyal patron at Monk's Café since 1987.  He loves the bathroom mirror because it makes him look more attractive--he feels like Robert Wagner.  His usual menu order is tuna on toast, coleslaw, and a cup of coffee.  George probably frequents the diner because he lacks cooking skills, and cannot even make spaghetti.

Although the list of George's favorite foods is too voluminous to recite, there are a couple worthy of mention: chicken salad on rye (the opposite of his usual order); pastrami on rye with mustard is his favorite when having sex; calzones from Paisano's Pizza won the good graces of his boss George Steinbrenner; mangoes provide a B-12 boost to augment his sexual potency; Bosco and milk is his favorite beverage; and he prefers every type of cough medicine, though his favorite is Pertussin because it is refreshing to drink with club soda.

Entertainment

Books/Authors.
One of George's favorite writers is Mike Lupica, sports writer for the
Daily News
, and fictitious author, Art Vandelay, an obscure, beatnik writer from the village who penned
Venetian Blinds
.  George also enjoys reading
Cracked
magazine, and belongs to a book club (though instead of perusing the first assigned reading (only 90 pages),
Breakfast at Tiffany's
by Truman Capote, George rents the movie).  The aversion to reading began with audiotape books, and the fact that George has a hard time concentrating on any subject except sports.  No matter how depressed he gets, however, George can always read the newspaper sports section.