Self Confidence Secrets: How To Overcome Anxiety and Low Self Esteem with NLP (4 page)

Meet Shaun. Shaun is a people’s person. A giver. Someone who cares. Shaun is 27 and his primary focus is running the charity he founded 4 years ago: Help & Care International. Shaun has traveled most everywhere in the world, particularly developing countries, to spread the word and work with locals on empowering projects. On Facebook, where he spends 2-3 hours each day, Shaun can be seen in 100s of photos with locals he has been helping.

Think of all the ways that Shaun is meeting his needs.
Can you think of at least 4?

What do you think are the two most important needs to Shaun?

If you’re following along in the Next Level Confidence Workbook go to section 1.2a. You can download and print the “Next Level Confidence” Workbook by visiting
www.thedanjohnston.com/moreconfidence/

Donald works for Acme Inc. Donald has been there for 27 years and in the same management role for the past 8. Despite his role being static, Donald insisted on a having “Senior” added to his title two years ago. Donald has been offered positions with better compensation at other companies but believes if it ain’t broke do not fix it. He decided it was better to stick with his current position which he knew and had generally performed well in.

Donald has lived in the same beautiful home with his wife and two kids for 15 years. It isn’t his dream home but is the nicest home on the block. He isn’t a car guy, but drives a BMW 528. He bought his wife a used Range Rover after some flooding occurred in a nearby city. Donald insists they need a car that can handle anything, just in case...although he’d never be caught dead in a Jeep.

What do you think Donald's two driving needs are?

How is he currently meeting these needs?

What are some possible negative consequences of the ways he is meeting these needs?

If you’re following along in the Next Level Confidence Workbook go to section 1.2b.

The quality of our lives is not determined by our needs but rather by how we meet our needs.

Discover superior ways to meet your needs and live a radically better life.

When I first trained in Human Needs Psychology my life was alright, but was missing something. I had a great apartment, lots of friends, and was physically in pretty good shape. On the other side, my business was in chaos and I often felt out of control. I had been working in finance for a year and was starting to see financial success but the stress was overwhelming. Like clockwork, I would always find reasons to leave my files untill the last minute. Looking back, I now realize I would unconsciously create fires just for the excitement of putting them out. Twenty minutes before a client needed money to close on a home I’d be on the phone to the banks and lawyers making magic happen.

My last minute magic tricks would have been really impressive if it wasn’t for the fact that I could have completed all this work two weeks earlier and be spending the day relaxing instead of sweating bullets and chasing after lawyers.

As I learnt more about Human Needs Psychology I realized my unconscious was finding destructive ways to meet my need for variety (aka excitement). While I never was a thrill seeker, I did have an adventurous side that demanded more and more attention as I got older. It was clear I was neglecting this part of myself. Being an essential need, it would not be ignored: Instead it embedded itself into my business life and started creating destruction. When I realized this I knew I had to stop; this meant finding a better way to meet my need for excitement. Over the course of three months I bought a motorcycle (nothing too fast or crazy…and with all the safety equipment), went sky diving and rode a dirt bike through Mexico.

Calm.

Quiet.

Peaceful.

Suddenly the last minute fires at work never started. I didn’t consciously change how I did business, planned my weeks or dealt with other people and yet my results did change. Everything ran smoother and I felt more confident and in control. When I started to meet my need for uncertainty in fun, exciting and healthy ways, I stopped manifesting conflict, chaos and stress.

I’m sure you do not do this (wink wink), but can you think of anyone in your life who manifests problems, issues or unhealthy rules as a way to meet their needs?

You might have read the earlier paragraph about my adventures and thought this guy’s clearly Mr. Variety, easy for him to say, but I’m someone who needs huge amounts of certainty!

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

Perhaps I used to need huge amounts of the classical “certainty” but now do not.

Certainty and significance are the most common driving needs for an estimated 90% of the Western population and yet can be two of the most unhealthy. We are ALL driven by these two needs to some extent but it is not without consequence.

In a world of constant change where our entire lives are now public domain, can you think of a few negative consequences of having your primary driving forces being certainty and significance?

It is very possible to change one’s driving needs. A single thought, conversation or experience can change everything. For me it was falling out of a plane. Without a doubt, sky diving dramatically reduced my need for certainty and increased my comfort with uncertainty. It brought a calm to my life and reduced the noise and anxiety that often hovered for no reason.

I didn’t jump because I can handle uncertainty, I can now handle uncertainty because I jumped.

It was just outside San Diego, a desert road along the Mexican border. I was driving my rental car, a Chrysler Sebring with all safety features, and pulled up to the skydiving centre around 1pm. This was going to be a great story and experience. Statistically skydiving is very safe I kept telling myself. I signed up for my jump and proceeded to watch the safety video. Minute by minute anxiety built. After a brief training session, we stepped into the plane. I’m equal parts anxious and terrified.

Inside the plane the engines pick up pace and before I know it we’re airborne. If you’ve never flown in a small plane it is a completely different experience than a commercial jet. My first thought is that this plane does not feel safe. My next thought is that I’m already planning to jump so really what’s the worst thing that can happen? Seems like a logically enough thought.

All the logic and statistics in the world mean nothing at 12,000 feet. Your conscious mind shuts off and you’re running purely off instincts. When the garage style door flies up and the air hit me things become very real. Any concept of certainty I created with statistics, friend’s experiences or logic fell right out of the plane the moment that door opened.

Pure and total uncertainty.

A completely overwhelming sense of insecurity.

As brave as you try to be, you are going completely against your instincts. Jump out of a plane?! Trust a guy strapped to your back you met an hour ago!? There is a reason so many people have a fear of heights. Birds fly. People fall. The fear and uncertainty only get worse as the jumpers ahead of me exit the plane. One moment they are there and the next they are gone.
Complete and total uncertainty. I think I said that already but I really want to emphasize this point. The feeling was stronger than any financial, family or business uncertainty because it was raw and physical.

Then suddenly it’s all gone. I’m falling at 100 mph and feel a complete sense of calm. I can see San Diego, Tijuana, The Pacific,
The Baja. Time almost stands still. I feel amazing. The chute opens and a small sense of certainty returns.

A few minutes later I connect with the ground a changed man.

From that day forward my life had a sense of calm to it. On the outside nothing changed and yet everything changed. I faced a daunting physical and psychology challenge and succeeded. My thermostat for uncertainty changed. Suddenly the little things didn’t concern me anymore. You know when you’re on the highway going 90 and then pull off onto the exit ramp 50 doesn’t feel so fast anymore? You acclimatize to the greater speed. This is exactly what happened to me. I pushed myself to great levels of uncertainty and acclimatized to higher levels of it. Suddenly the day-to-day events that would usually cause anxiety felt like going 50 coming off the highway: Nothing to sweat. When you make the mental leap and are able to accept complete uncertainty in one situation your ability to accept it in all situations improves.

There’s an old cliché in the personal development industry: How you do anything is how you do everything.

With only six needs to choose from there are a limited number of driving needs combinations. How is it possible then that so many people live vastly different lives? It is possible because two people can have the same driving needs yet lead completely different lives. He fulfills his need for significance by volunteering and donating money. She fulfills her need for significance driving a fancy car. He meets his need for certainty by controlling others and obsessing over power. She meets her need for certainty by keeping a consistent morning routine and having faith that things will always work out.

The quality of our lives is a direct reflection of the ways we meet our needs. We describe the ways in which we meet our
needs in terms of classes and there are four classes of experiences.

Class 1 experiences are those that feel good, are good for you and are good for society as a whole.

Class 2 experiences are good for you and good for society, but they do not feel good.

A class 3 experience feels good but it isn't good for you or good for society.

A class 4 experience feels bad and is bad.

The secret to an amazing life is to change class 2 experiences into class 1 experiences. Find ways that you can turn activities that are good for you into activities that are fun, exciting or enjoyable AND are good for you. When you’re able to do this the quality of your life will skyrocket.

If you’re following along in the Next Level Confidence Workbook go to section 1.4.

Take a minute and think about your own life. Think about which things you do that fall into each of the four experience classes. Most of us are hard on ourselves and therefore better at recalling the class 4 experiences, but I’m positive there are plenty of class 1 and 2 experiences in your life as well.

I’ve been fortunate in my ability to change one particular class 2 experiences into class 1 and doing so changed my life.

People always complement me on my running routine. While it does vary, in general I run 2-3 mornings a week and have for the last few years. To me this isn’t a big deal at all. Running is a class 1 experience for me AND running also meets 3-4 of my needs. For the people impressed by my routine running is clearly a class 2 experience: They see the positive value running has but cringe at the thought of lacing up.

For me running, even in the rain...hell especially in the
rain, is a bona fide class 1 experience. I LOVE IT. Give me a windy beach, crashing waves and pellet sized rain any day. I do not track miles, run races or wear the right equipment. I do not need to. I run because I love to run. Some days it is hard for me to wake up and not go for a run….a few times in sub-zero weather this has got me into some trouble!

This wasn't always the case though. As a teenager I was the furthest thing from an athlete. When I first started running I had a big heart, inspired mostly by Rocky movies, and a bigger belly. I pushed through this. I laid my shoes, shorts and shirt by my bed and set my alarm early. I woke up and forced myself to lace up and stand outside before deciding if I was going to run or go back to bed. Then one day things shifted.
Class 2 to class 1. Obligation changed to recreation. Exercise became adventure. Have-to became got-to.

Running shifted from class 2 to class 1.

So how do you change a class 2 experience to a class 1? Based on my own experience I believe there are two main ways to do this. The first is associations and conditioning; the second is more practical and relates to how you do the activity.

If you want to be excited to run each morning change some of your associations.

Spend 15 minutes a day watching the greatest training/running montages the 80s was able to produce.

Instead of exercise call it training.

When you run think about your goals, your identity, your future.

Tie running in with the person you're working to become.

Make running a greater experience than exercise.

Now the second part is to think practically. Personally I would rather be
waterboarded than be in a gym running on a treadmill. The basic act of "running" is neither fun nor boring, it’s just running. The other elements you tie into your running are what determine the overall experience.

For me I've made running fun the following ways (not always at the same time)

1) An
ipod packed with my favourite songs, or business audiobooks (if it is a slower run)

2) Finding new locations to explore. So far
a volcanic rock peninsula in Maui and Central Park in New York have been my favourite spots.

3) Running on the Vancouver Seawall right around 5pm. It seems every beautiful girl in the city goes for an after work run. The guys usually go for beers.

4) Running with friends. I've been able to connect with some amazing people through our morning runs.

5) Setting times I try to beat.
Racing random cyclists, buses and trucks. Running on the beach and dodging waves. High-fiving other runners as they go by. You get the idea.

I now use running as a healthy way to meet my need for certainty, variety, significance and connection. I have certainty knowing I’ll feel great during and after the run. I find variety in new routes around the city or exploring places I’m visiting. I feel significant when it is pouring rain and I’m the only person laced up and running outside. I get a sense of connection and friendship when I run with others.

So how can you turn one of your class 2 experiences into class 1 while meeting
your driving needs in healthy ways?

If you're reading this I'm willing to bet one need you are meeting poorly is certainty. When met poorly certainty is the most destructive need we have. Unfortunately it is also a driving need for the majority of the population.

Some positive or neutral ways people meet their need for certainty:

-Consistent morning or evening routines.

-Positive identities. For instance "I am healthy" "I exercise" "I am loved". These absolute beliefs provide certainty regardless of the outside world.

-Absolute confidence. The belief that "No matter what happens I can handle it".

-Faith.
The belief that "Things will work out".

Some negative ways people meet their need for certainty:

-Consistent negative routines such as ending each day with a beer.

-Smoking.
Drinking. Drugs. No matter what happens in the day you know at the end of it you will lay back, indulge and feel relatively the same as you did the day before and the day before that.

-Negative self-beliefs. This is a class 4 experience if one exists. Life is a series of ups and downs and the more we "go for it" the more of these swings we have. Sometimes when people get overwhelmed by the downs they'll devise a genius system to avoid them: Negative self-image.

-And the worst of all: Giving up. Have you ever met someone who has just quit at life? Their default response to most things is "Sure, I do not care". We can also call this learned helplessness.

If you’re following along in the Next Level Confidence Workbook and want to write down your answers go to section 1.5.Remember, you don’t need to do this in order to learn everything here and see an exceptional boost in your confidence!

Think of 3 positive ways you meet (or have met) your need for certainty.

What are 3 negative ways you may have met your need for certainty in the past?

Did you discover any negative self-beliefs? What were they?