Self Confidence Secrets: How To Overcome Anxiety and Low Self Esteem with NLP (3 page)

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”
– Khalil Gibran

You got it: Our third need is love and connection. As babies our survival is completely dependent on other human beings. The amount and length of dependency is actually quite rare in comparison to other species. On the other extreme are reptiles born from eggs, alone, left to fend for themselves from day one. Humans are one of few species born completely dependent on others. This is partially due to our large head and general imbalance which makes it hard to sit up straight, let alone escape predators. Physical causes aside, this dependency strengthens the bond between parent and child and teaches us the importance of connection.

This inter-dependence doesn’t cease at adolescence, or even adulthood. For most of history especially before e-commerce and overnight shipping, one had little chance of surviving, let alone thriving, without relationships with other people. As hunters and gatherers, our tribes provided us with safety in numbers as well as complementary skill sets and abilities. Over time agriculture evolved and cities developed. Now more than ever we are dependent on one another for survival. Doubt me?

Do you know anyone who can grow produce, hunt, AND cook his or her own food?

What would happen if we lost all desire for human connection and, more importantly, love? What if we were content being alone?

How would your life be different if you weren’t biologically wired with this need? For starters you would be a lot less likely to rebound and try again after heartbreak. You would be a lot less likely to overcome fear and approach a beautiful stranger to say hello. In fact, without this need pushing us, everyone might just choose to stay home alone and watch TV. We would be facing extinction in no time!

You may have noticed that I have used both the term love and the term connection. Let me explain that briefly. Without a doubt, the strongest manifestation of this need is love. Love is what we are seeking and what fulfills us at the highest level. Because love is so powerful and often scary, we often settle for mere connection. Many people will actually seek out connection rather than love intentionally because they know it to be much safer. Think Romeo and Juliet versus Twitter and Facebook. An intimate dinner with your best friends versus a night at the bar. You see the difference?

Ideally we have love, but connection will usually hold us over so sometimes we settle.

People meet their need for love in a variety of healthy and unhealthy ways. Some people will meet this need through self-sacrifice, dedicating their lives to serving others in an unhealthy way. Other people meet this need through a string of short term or shallow relationships. Others find their love and connection through deep and meaningful relationships. This need can be met in dozens of ways and they all involve connecting with another person…even if it is just the cashier at our local supermarket.

“It is the child in man that is the source of his uniqueness and creativeness, and the playground is the optimal milieu for the unfolding of his capacities and talents.”
– Eric Hoffer

Do you like to feel special? Oh come on, be honest. Of course you do! Billion dollar industries are built on making ordinary people feel like VIPs. Perhaps it is buying the same pair of shoes your
favourite athlete wears, or a designer jacket you saw in a movie; we all do things to feel significant. We have a desire to feel unique, special and important. Our fourth need is significance and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Did you know that if a newborn baby does not receive love and attention after birth it will die? We are a rare species that REQUIRES love and attention in order to live.

It is important to accept significance as a need and feel no guilt around it. Modesty is valued in our culture, as it should be, but there is no person alive who does not enjoy some level of praise, attention or feeling special….some just
hide it better than the rest of us. The key to meeting our fourth need is to know how you are meeting it and to find healthy and effective ways for doing it.

So what are some ways people meet this need? Well it is always easy to spot the people who haven’t been meeting this need well and are presented with an opportunity. Have you ever been watching a news report and noticed people in the background going over the top for a chance to be shown on TV? There are also the people acting as eye witnesses to breaking news that turn out to have nothing to contribute “Yup Bob was my
neighbour, I was actually on vacation when the fire happened. My names Chris. I love you mom!” Reality TV stars also fall into this category!

What ways do
us healthy people feel significant? One is praise through our work. How great does it feel when a colleague or boss tells you you’re doing a great job? Receiving praise from someone we look up to is one powerful way to meet our need for significance. Having someone you respect say positive things about you just feels good. This is one reason that management training emphasizes the importance of giving praise to employees.

It also feels just as good when you get a hair-cut and about a dozen compliments on it the next day. Whether or not you know you look good, there is just a nice feeling when other people compliment you. This nice feeling is tied to the attention you feel, and of course the little confidence boost.

Have you ever been on the opposite end of the haircut conversation…perhaps getting yourself into a bit of hot water? If you’ve ever had the conversation when you forget to comment on, or did not notice, someone’s new haircut you know what I’m talking about. The person will usually start by dropping some hints and then will often proceed to just directly saying “Oh you’re not going to say anything about my new haircut?” Then things usually get a bit awkward. This entire conversation was unconscious. The person didn’t really know what they were doing, or why they were doing it, but their unconscious sure did: Their need for significance was not being met! They wanted a complement!

Do you know anyone who really enjoys telling stories? Storytelling is a healthy and effective way people meet their need for significance. As I’ve said elsewhere in this book, the brain does not know the difference between things happening in your mind and things actually occurring. If you are vividly reliving an event, through a dream or intense story telling session, it often feels real, like it is happening in that moment. Have you ever sat with an older person and listened to them tell stories from their youth? If you haven’t, please do. You’ll notice their face brighten, the tone of their voice pick up and their energy increase. A usually low energy, perhaps a little down and out, individual will suddenly become energized, joyful and excited when given the opportunity to relive their favourite moments.

Storytelling hits home on two levels. Firstly there is the aspect we’ve discussed of reliving the original memory. This aspect is powerful since it engages the mind and physiology. The second aspect is the significance felt by the person telling a story. Imagine having a captive audience hanging on your every word as you share stories from your life? How would it make you feel to have people so interested in you that they find joy listening to you talk about yourself? This is the reason story telling is such a powerful way to meet the need for significance.

On a broader level this idea of storytelling happens through public speaking and writing. Anyone who has ever taught a classroom or stood in front of an audience to give a presentation knows that the nervousness is offset by excitement and the importance you feel.

Similarly, blogging has become an internet and cultural phenomenon over the past decade. Blogs allow anyone to share their opinions with the world and feel like they’re being listened to. There are many motivations for someone to start a blog. Some people have turned their blogs into healthy sources of income. Others have used blogging to secure a book deal and become a published author. Others use blogs to promote another business or service they stand to benefit from. Of all these reasons, few bloggers actually generate the traffic to justify the time spent writing online (income versus time), so why are there thousands of new blogs appearing every week? Blogs offer ordinary people the chance to share their opinions with the world and receive
positive feedback. Blogs allow ordinary people to experience the feeling of significance that was once reserved only for celebrities, politicians, speakers and authors.

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions.
So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”
– Mark Victor Hansen

Have you ever heard the quote: If you’re not growing you’re dying? Why is this? Why is all life continuously evolving, continuously changing?

As humans we feel fulfilled and lively when we are growing. Of all the causes of human satisfaction, of human happiness, progress it the only universal.

Our happiness is not determined by our current circumstances or life situation. It doesn’t matter where we are but rather where we are going. When we’re making progress we feel fulfilled, satisfied, and happy. When our lives are stagnant, no matter how great our current circumstances are, there is a lingering negative feeling.

The first four needs we discussed are called our essential or core needs. These four needs must be met. Our unconscious will do whatever is required to meet
this needs. They are so hard wired that people will often manifest crazy scenarios in order to meet them. These next two needs, the needs of the spirit, must be met in order to feel fulfilled in our lives. It is by meeting our spirit needs, the need for growth and contribution, that we feel complete. It is in meeting these needs that your are able to reach your true potential and discover fulfillment. Putting energy towards meeting these needs will move you to a higher place, increase your confidence and help reduce anxiety and stress.

What ways do people meet their need for growth? One way is simply by learning new things. Every time we learn something new we are growing in one way or another. Do you know anyone who at one point in their life decided to start taking a few random classes? Perhaps on their 40th birthday they decided it was time to learn Spanish, guitar or tango? This behavior may have seemed random at the time, but it is likely a normal reaction to not meeting their need for more growth. Often times a person’s job will start out as challenging when they are younger and this will meet their need for growth. As they advance in the company and master their craft they stop feeling the same sense of growth from their work. This leads to them searching elsewhere. If their search for this sense of growth isn’t found through extra-curricular means the person may make a radical career change leaving their friends and families wondering why they wanted to leave a stable job and easy
paycheque?

Creating challenging goals is another way people will stretch themselves and grow. There are dozens of studies linking
goal setting and achievement with happiness, success and general life satisfaction. Sometimes the goals can be huge, like climbing a mountain or running a marathon, but other times they may just be smaller indicators of progress. Even if it is losing 1 pound a month or saving just a few dollars each week, small goals create a sense of progress and remind us that we are still growing.

If you’re able to create experiences or habits that meet some of your primary needs in a way that also meets your need for growth than you are well on your way to feeling more complete, more fulfillment and more confident. This step is not difficult, it just requires looking at things you already do and finding ways to acknowledge your progress while setting goals that push you a little further.

“There are certain things that are fundamental to human fulfillment. The essence of these needs is captured in the phrase 'to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy'. The need to live is our physical need for such things as food, clothing, shelter, economical well-being, health. The need to love is our social need to relate to other people, to belong, to love and to be loved. The need to learn is our mental need to develop and to grow. And the need to leave a legacy is our spiritual need to have a sense of meaning, purpose, personal congruence, and contribution.”
– Stephen R. Covey

Why does it feel so good to do something nice for a stranger? Why does it feel even better when you do it without an expectation of a favor in return or recognition for doing it? Why do so many people dedicate the later years of their lives to giving back to others and leaving a positive mark on the world?

Our last need is the need for contribution. To feel truly fulfilled we have a need to contribute towards the success and happiness of others. Of all the needs, the need for contribution is both the most undervalued and under met of them all. It isn’t so much that people don’t contribute to others, most of us do. Most of us find ways to do something nice for a stranger. Most of us donate some money from time to time. The reasons we don’t often meet this need is that we don’t acknowledge our own contributions. We do not become involved in the contribution process and take time to feel good for what we’re doing. Other times we’ll contribute to another but do so in a less than sincere way or in a way that meets our other needs. You can meet your need for significance or for contribution with the same action, but it is harder to meet both needs at the same time. If you do something nice to get praise, you dirty the action and therefore reduce its impact on your need for contribution.

What are some ways that people meet their need for contribution? One way is through their work. Some companies now operate in an environment that is both profitable and aligned with the greater good. These companies and the people at them find ways to offer service and contribute to the greater good. It is reported that companies whose vision aligns with the values of their employees are more successful in recruiting and have a lower turnover than companies that motivate their employees with financial incentives alone. People who work at companies that contribute to the overall good report much higher job and life satisfaction.

Another way people meet their need for contribution is through donating their time or money. This is probably the most common form and association of “contribution.” The
way to have this form of contribution be most effective is to acknowledge the contribution and focus on the result. If you are donating money to a charity, spend some time reading about how your money has helped.

The last form of contribution we’ll cover is mentorship. This can happen in a formal mentoring relationship or, more commonly, in an informal relationship. Sharing your knowledge with someone in need of it and offering a hand whenever possible is a great way to meet the need for contribution and it also helps meet other needs in a complimentary way. You’ll also find that taking the time to mentor someone else, even just acting as a role model for your 8 year old cousin, can have a huge increase on confidence and overall feeling of happiness.

“If everything is smooth sailing right from the beginning, we cannot become people of substance and character. By surmounting paining setbacks and obstacles, we can create a brilliant history of triumph that will shine forever. That is what makes life so exciting and enjoyable. In any field of endeavour, those who overcome hardships and grow as human beings are advancing towards success and victory in life.”
– Daisaku Ikeda

There you have an overview of the six human needs: Certainty, uncertainty, significance, love and connection, growth and contribution. It is the desire to meet these needs that inspires our actions. It is the act of meeting these needs that gives us the fulfillment, confidence and satisfaction we all seek.

The requirement to meet the first four needs is the root for great acts of violence and philanthropy alike. Turning a gun on someone will make you feel significant, in control, powerful and connected. Going to Africa as a volunteer makes you feel uncertain, significant, connected and philanthropic. The quality of our lives isn’t determined by where we live, how much money we earn or even our driving needs. The quality of our lives is determined by the ways in which we meet our needs.

There is a particular power behind combination actions: Actions that meet multiple needs at once. In fact, any action meeting at least 3 needs becomes addictive. Knowing this, is it a surprise that so many destructive
behaviours have survived hundreds of years of evolution?

While we all
favour certain needs, and meet all their needs at different levels, it is critical to understand that we all meet all our needs. It is equally important to understand that no needs are right or wrong, better or worse. The desire to feel significant is not wrong; many of the ways people meet this need may be. The desire for certainty is essential for survival and can also be destructive when met the wrong way. The quality of our lives is not determined by our needs but rather by how we meet our needs. The first step is awareness. Once you’re aware of your driving needs and how you meet them you are in a position to find superior ways of doing so.