Self Confidence Secrets: How To Overcome Anxiety and Low Self Esteem with NLP (2 page)

If you were to strand a normal person, with no survival experience or special abilities, on an island you’d be very surprised with the creativity they’d muster to find water, food and shelter.

When we are deprived of a physical need the mind goes to work at 200% to find a solution. What most people don’t know is that the same thing is true for our human needs. When circumstances strip us of the usual ways we meet one of our needs our mind frantically starts working to find new and often creative ways to meet this need.

Once you understand the underlying processes driving what seems to be erratic
behaviour, the entire process is actually quite fascinating; even entertaining in its own way

How to feel certainty in the most uncertain of circumstances

Over thousands of years humans have created many methods for creating certainty in the most uncertain of circumstances. There are three categories that these fall into:

Distractions

Details and Mastery

Faith Based

Distractions

Oh how human beings excel at distraction. Is there an impending war? Might your husband be leaving you soon? Are you overweight and risking serious
illness. Fear not, just bring on the distractions and everything will be well! What we focus on is what we feel, so if we never focus on what is wrong we don’t have to feel anything negative right? Well, not exactly…

If you’re in a tough situation, and in that moment can’t take positive steps towards changing it, then distraction can provide a much needed temporary mental break. Consistent stress is not healthy and short-term distractions such as a movie, night out or glass of wine can provide much needed relief. Distraction ceases to be healthy and becomes a very negative pattern when we’re able to take action and change our circumstances but instead choose to distract ourselves from the problem(s) at hand. When we do this we are really just delaying the inevitable pain or discomfort. We will still need to overcome the problem, but we’re just making the problem worse by delaying it.

So keep distractions in the back of your mind but remember it is a short term solution to overwhelming stress and should never become a habitual response to problems.

Can you think of a time when you’ve seen someone’s home or office and all or certain parts of it were meticulously organized. Their space was kept at a 5 star level and yet other aspects of their life were in total chaos. Perhaps they are an executive with a perfect office and imperfect marriage. Often when the big picture things start to get out of control we’re able to find certainty in the finer details. What if the economy is in chaos and there is nothing you can personally do? One way to find the feeling of certainty is in the things you do have control over. If done in a healthy way this can be an effective way to increase the certainty in your life. A direct example would be meeting with your financial planner or starting to study the markets more. An indirect approach, but perhaps more effective at developing the temporary feeling of certainty is to shift your focused to something you have mastery in: A wine or art collection, a quiet hobby like painting or knitting, or a sport you excel in.

Mastering the details of your life can be an effective tool for creating certainty if done right. Just like all things though, it can also backfire if done wrong. When the levels of control go to the extreme, or start to involve other people, it is time to look for another way to meet your need for certainty.

Overall both of these methods, distractions and areas of mastery or control, are flawed. They provide some short term relief but they are also used to avoid the big picture and the big questions. As you’ll discover later in this section, our needs exist for a reason; the usually give us a push in the right direction and bring us closer to our higher level purpose. If you meet your need for certainty with distractions or control over simple things, you’ll be stuck doing so for the rest of your life. So what’s the solution? Well, we’re getting closer.

The third category of ways people meet their needs is faith. This category needs to be distinctly broken into two: Religious based faith and a more general faith or confidence in oneself and the ways of the world.

If you look at the world population you can see an interesting pattern. Look at the percent of any particular population with a declared religion. Then look at the standard of living, gdp and general condition of the country. Looking at these two things we see a strong pattern: The more uncertainty within a country (crime, poverty, wars) the greater the percentage of people who turn to religion.

Why is
this the case? In his movie religiosity Bill Maher says something along the lines of “I’m privileged enough not to need faith and for that I am grateful.” What I think he was saying in this is that religion tends to be more prevalent amongst lower classes and struggling nations because there is a strong need for certainty. Religion gives people absolute certainty one way or another. Regardless of present circumstances, a person is able to look in the mirror and say “Things will work out, god is watching out for me. I have faith that god will take care of me”. Regardless of what you believe spiritually, this is a very powerful process to go through and can instantly cleanse away uncertainty, doubt and stress.

For those who choose not to find their faith through religion, or who want to add to the faith they find through god, there is another option: Create total faith that things will work out based on your faith in yourself. Really what I am referring to is your confidence in yourself.

However strong your confidence in yourself is at this moment, I promise you by the end of this book your confidence in yourself, as well as your self-awareness, will have increased leaps and bounds.

Let’s explore how confidence works for a minute. Think about when you start something new. Initially you’re probably a little (or a lot) nervous, but over time you take note of your progress and little successes and become less and less nervous. At the same time your confidence in yourself and your ability to perform increases.

And here’s a little secret, this is true for everyone! From plumbers and surgeons, to Presidential Candidates and CEOs.

When we start something new there is a tremendous amount of uncertainty but over time this dissipates and eventually we’re a rock of confidence in that particular area. This
happens because we remember each successful time we completed the action. When the surgeon is going into the operating room he thinks “I have performed 3,000 successful operations before, this is going to go well.”

What if that same surgeon is trying something new like using equipment he is unfamiliar with? Well, his nerves may start up but not nearly as much as during his first surgeries because he has the right belief structure. He will think to himself “I am an experienced surgeon. I have taken on a difficult profession and been successful. They would not have created this equipment if an intelligent person could not operate it, therefore I will be able to figure it out.” A little more complicated, but still a belief that allows him to create certainty for himself.

I’ve had thoughts like this myself when deliver presentations to 100+ people…or going on a first date! My nerves start firing like crazy at first. I make myself aware of the feeling and then address it by saying aloud something like “I’ve done this before and survived. I’ll only do better this time since I now have more experience. It’s going to go well.”

Another faith based source of certainty are global beliefs about yourself. We heard a bit of this in the beliefs the surgeon had created around himself. Some beliefs that would fall into this category would be things like “I am an intelligent, capable and hard working person. No matter what happens I am confident I will be able to find a solution, or at least find someone who can!” Beliefs like this are often behind many successful people and it is rarely their success that lead to the beliefs but rather their beliefs that lead to their success.

When you create a positive, global belief about yourself it gives you the confidence and certainty you need to try new things, challenge yourself and take on bigger responsibilities. If you rely purely on experience specific beliefs for your esteem it can be very hard to expand your experience and capabilities. Global beliefs about yourself, such as “I’m a fast learner,” “I’m friendly and good at meeting people,” or “People like me” allow you to tackle bigger challenges and create more and more experiences to reference for creating future positive beliefs.

What are some other examples of positive, global beliefs people have? Well, we can all think of the really arrogant person we know who believes they’re the best at everything. This isn’t exactly the healthiest way to live although it is certainly a better way to think than believing you are the worst at everything. There is a fine line between arrogance and confidence but there are many positive results to be had from adopting a degree of confidence and putting a little swagger into your step. Those that hold a consistent positive belief are much more likely to be successful, happier and have more friends than those with a consistent negative belief.

Often the belief that we’re capable of doing something right is all we actually need to do that thing right. Life isn’t nearly as hard as we try and make it.

Is there anything even better for achieving certainty in uncertain times? Well, I’m glad you asked because there is one other way. Some people, often labeled the perpetual optimists, just embrace the belief that “Whatever happens, things always work themselves out.” They use this belief to help them live with total calm and happiness. It may sound strange or risky to outsiders, but there are many people who find their certainty this way. You could call it faith in the universe working out.

Ok so I’ve just loaded you up with tons of information and examples related to certainty. This is because certainty is one of the most common driving needs for people around the world and certainly here in North America. We’re going to review this information again later in the book to really help you grasp it and when we do we’ll go through some exercises so you’re able to think about your own ways of meeting certainty and perhaps develop some more effective techniques than you are currently using.

Can you guess what the second need is? Imagine a life of total certainty: Knowing every detail of every event before it occurred.
Following the same routine each and every day. You’d be bored out of your mind right? We need variety. We need new experiences. We need to be challenged. New or uncertain experiences force us to think, learn and inevitably evolve and this is why they are the second human need.

The relationship between people and the need for uncertainty or variety varies tremendously. For some people certainty is their #1 or #2 need and uncertain falls at #5 or #6. Can you imagine what this person might be like? They’re likely to follow a fairly consistent routine including how they go to work, what they do in their free time and even the kinds of foods they eat. This person doesn’t have a huge need for variety and their life choices would reflect this. This person would still have variety in their life but in safe and controlled ways such as through characters on their favorite weekly TV shows or movies, or an exciting sport they do within a safe environment.

What about someone on the flip side of this? Imagine someone for whom uncertainty ranked as #1 and certainty ranked as #5 or #6 for their needs? This would be a fun person! Although they may be a little tough to live with or date! They’re someone who will favor new and exciting pursuits over the same old. They may be an entrepreneur, work in an exciting field or simply have many careers over their lifetime. They will like challenges and new things but rarely master any one element of their lives. Of course, someone like this would still have a need for certainty but would meet it in different ways. They may find certainty through consistent daily habits they develop, familiar routines or dependable relationships. No matter how rocky or exciting their day to day life is they can find certainty and an element of calm in their usual café or conversation with a best friend.

At first read it may be hard to determine the reason for our uncertainty need. Of course it keeps life exciting and interesting, but from an evolutionary point of view this doesn’t make sense. There is of course, a very important reason for this need and I’m going to share a story with you to help convey it.

Have you ever felt like your life was stagnant, just sitting stuck in one place?

If you haven't then you're unlike almost anyone I've ever met! The truth is that at some time or another we've all felt this way.

The needs we're wired with aren't so by chance. Believe it or not, there's a method to the madness. Let's take a few minutes and explore the reasons for our six needs. In doing
so you'll gain a better understanding of yourself and discover new ways you can meet your needs in the future.

Let's start with our first need and many people's primary need. Our need for certainty is
obvious, it motivates us to seek security and is critical to our survival. Our certainty need leads us to seek shelter, find safety and reduce conflicts. If I was to venture a guess I would say that certainty was the first need we developed in our evolution, followed closely by love and connection.

Ok so the need for certainty makes sense. Love and connection also makes a lot of sense. Community and companionship have been critical to our physical survival for millennia and are also deeply tied in with survival of the species. So where does the need for uncertainty come in?

Why do we have this need?

Let me begin the story.

Like many people, I grew up in the suburbs of a big city. Growing up in the burbs is an interesting experience. There seems to be a clear contrast between the dynamic in the suburbs and that in big cities. Suburbs, and those living in them, seem to favour certainty. People buy nice homes they can call their own for years in nice neighbourhoods where their children will go to school, grow up and be able to raise their own family.

Anyhow, so in this town I grew up in I had a best friend named
Griff. Griff and I grew up on the same street and were in the same grade. When you’re a kid proximity and age rank #1 and #2 criteria for picking your friends, so we were obligated to be best pals.

Griff’s
parents were your typical hard working middle class family. They were great people, good neighbours and good workers. Like all boys, Griff looked up to his dad with lots of love and respect, but unlike many kids his age he knew he wanted more. To this day when I hear the word ambition I think of Griff.

When our friend's parents used to ask him what he wanted to be when he grew up he'd usually say a CEO, or sometimes an Emperor. Sometimes the parents would laugh, but other times their middle class values meant these comments upset them. Big dreams aren't always admired by those who haven't followed their own.

So from a young age Griff was certain he wanted big things from life and was committed to getting them. The desire for happiness, success and wealth were deep routed in his psychology and there was no turning back. As a teenager Griff was an average student. He didn't see the reward for good grades since he knew his passion was business and not medicine, law or one of the other disciplines requiring straight A's to pursue.

As he got older
Griff's cravings for adventure seemed to increase. He found himself taking bigger and bigger risks, sometimes succeeding and other times falling flat. His family often found themselves worrying about him. He used to be so ambitious, they'd say, but now he seemed to be taking unnecessarily large risks...If he was going to be "successful" he should buckle down and work hard in something he can consistently do. This was his family's thoughts and his family's definition of success.

Griff
was the first one to admit he didn't totally know what he was doing. He knew what he wanted and he knew his desire to take risks and try new things was deep rooted…he just didn't know exactly why he felt that way.

When he was 24 and to the surprise of friends and family
Griff quit a high-paying job and started his own business. Griff wasn't exactly a case study in successful entrepreneurship. Many people spend years planning their first company, securing financing for the business and building a personal safety net. Griff...well Griff started his company a few months after coming up with the idea, while massively in debt and with no savings or other job to fall back on.

"If it is going to work it is going to work"
Griff would tell us, "and if it is going to fail it's a lot better I fail fast so I have time for a do over." He was definitely right about that last part.

Griff
works his ass off at that first company but it was only a matter of time before his inexperience caught up with him. He encountered his first wall when it was time to make sales. While he was quick on his feet and often told he should be in sales, Griff wasn't really a salesman. He loved the topic of persuasion and talking to people but he hated the stress and inevitable rejection that came along with cold calling.

Day after day
Griff would put on a suit and hit the pavement going door to door speaking to business owners. He found the actual conversations he had went remarkably well and Griff made some sales but inevitably found himself focusing on other areas of the business he enjoyed more. This wasn’t good because Griff was the company's only salesperson.

Griff
realized the company needed sales, and the subsequent revenue they produced, in order to be successful. Griff soon begun a search for salespeople. Griff started, as many do, by posting an advertisement in the classifieds and then setting up job interviews. The first day Griff had interviews with two people, Jay and Mona. He had never hired anyone before, but from what he could tell these interviews appeared to go well. Both Jay and Mona seemed nice, wanted the job, and said they could do it.

Griff
prided himself on always being an honest guy, so the possibility that people would mislead him in a job interview never really entered his mind. Yup, he laughs about that too now.

So after one interview
Griff decided to hire Jay and Mona. It was about two weeks and no sales later that Griff realized he may not know much about being a sales manager and that perhaps he should have hired some more experienced sales people who would presumably need less supervision and training.

Soon after this realization Jay and Mona faded away. It started with them being a bit late, or sick, and then they were just gone.

Griff decided that he was spending too much time on sales and instead should focus on product development and marketing. If he made his product better, and let lots of people know about it, the sales should just flow right in. Once again, Griff didn't really know any secrets but he felt certain he was moving in the right direction. It was just a feeling he had in his gut.

Griff
spent the next few months focusing on marketing. He started by posting an advertisement in the classifieds looking for someone to take a 4 month unpaid marketing internship. On interview day about 6 people came out. Griff met a wide range of people that day. There was Charlie, he was the youngest and most ambitious of the group. He seemed hard working and is probably quite rich by now, but he was also a little too young and well....just odd. Of the others, one candidate really stood out from the pack.

Griff
decided the right decision was to hire Alisha...this was unfortunate since Alisha was offered a paid marketing position the very next day. This left 4 other candidates. Griff looks back on his next decision and laughs at the stupidity but insists that it seemed to make a lot of sense at the time. Considering that all 4 candidates seemed relatively equal, and that all were willing to work for free, Griff decided to offer positions to all 4. All 4 accepted.

You can imagine the results when an inexperienced manager brings on 4 unpaid people to do the work of 1 or 2 people...yup things went to hell pretty quickly. It seemed many people have trouble focusing in an uncertain environment and actually enjoy work more when they have lots to do. Nobody wants to feel unneeded or like they’re wasting their time.

I won’t bore you with too much more of the story. By now I hope that you’ve picked up Griff’s exceptional ability to fail. Better than anyone I’ve ever met, Griff was able to go after new ideas, unknown plans or long shots with little hesitation and quite often walk right into failure.

Over his first few years of business
Griff’s need for variety and excitement lead him to fail more than those doing business two, three, even ten times longer than him. When others would play it safe and consult a textbook, Griff would jump right in and go for it. This is exactly the reason that at 26 Griff was one of the brokest entrepreneurs, hell, one of the brokest people, I’ve ever met or even heard of. This is also the same reason why at age 36 Griff is the richest person I know.

I was recently having dinner with
Griff at a very nice restaurant and I asked him about all his failures. I started by joking with Griff a bit about his early days and what a screw up he sometimes seemed to be. I then turned things a bit more serious and asked him which of the mistakes did he regret most?

“Regret, are you kidding me?!”
Griff responded, “I’d do anything to go back and make more mistakes. If I could double the mistakes I made when I was in my 20s I’m positive my networth would be more than doubled today. Don’t you get it? It was by making so many mistakes that I evolved. My mistakes are the #1 reason for my successes.”

This point stopped me in my tracks. I’d never thought of it this way before.
Griff was saying that his mistakes caused him to learn great lessons, which lead to his successes.

“Well, couldn’t you have just found those lessons elsewhere?
From books, from school, from other people?” I prodded, wanted to learn more from Griff.

“I could have, and I did. I read lots of books and I consulted with successful people to find their nuggets of wisdom. The thing is
, everyone offers different lessons. Each book is just a collection of ones person’s mistakes and they often contradict the mistakes and lessons offered by another book. Because of this I think books were more beneficial for making me think and reflect on my own mistakes and lessons, rather than just taking someone else’s.”

My conversation with
Griff really got me thinking. The more I thought about autobiographies of great people the more it made sense. Almost always, those who have achieved really big things in their lives went through some hard times and made lots of mistakes.

Could it be possible that this is the reason we’re wired to need uncertainty and variety?

Is this the reason so many of us crave new adventures and challenges? I believe it is. Our need for uncertainty, or variety, is present because it pushes us towards new challenges and making mistakes that will inevitable help us evolve as individuals and as a species.