Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (58 page)

Whoever listens constantly to the story of Uttama and to the life of Uttama will never be hated by the wives he loves or by his sons or relatives; nor will anyone who hears or recites this story ever experience separation from anyone.

[Markandeya Pura¯na, The Karma of Marriage: The King’s Wife, the Brahmin’s Wife, and the Ogre, in
Textual Sources for the Study of Hinduism,
ed. and trans.

Wendy Doniger O’Flaherty (Totowa, NJ: Barnes and Noble, 1988), pp. 106–114]

A CONTEMPORARY HINDU MARRIAGE CEREMONY

The next selection is taken from a contemporary source that reflects the the-ology, social practices, and rituals among middle-class and upper-caste Hindus in north India. It is an example of a number of books and pamphlets written in English to instruct families—especially families living abroad where access to priests may be more intermittent and links to “home” traditions in India may be one or two generations removed—on the attitudes and procedures that should be followed in keeping with the Hindu tradition, broadly defined. This selection provides a moment-by-moment discussion of both the ritual aspects and the moods and responses that are appropriate for various members of the wedding party. It is important to keep in mind that many marriage practices reflect particular communities, regions, and language traditions. Because marriage is always local, an example from a particular tradition within the vast spectrum of Hinduism—in this selection, the Arya Samaj community—will give a better sense of what actually takes place that an attempt to construct a generalized summary. It is common practice among Hindus to refer to the bride and groom as the “girl” and “boy.”

Document 4–7

h i n d u m a r r i a g e c e r e m o n y a c c o r d i n g t o t h e a r y a s a m a j t r a d i t i o n

Hindus strongly believe in the concept that the marriages are a continuation of a relationship between the two persons from previous births, between the two families that are expected to interact, develop the bondage and fulfill their responsibilities towards their parents and ancestors, by continuing the natural process of procreation, caring for their offspring, and continuing God’s creation.

In spite of such an inherited preaching and belief, families on both sides, the boy’s and the girl’s, engage in the karma of selecting a suitable match for their child and their family. This effort involves the whole clan on both sides.

Clan means the living adults, maternal and paternal grandparents (and great
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grandparents, if living), uncles, aunts, brothers, sister, brothers-in-law, and sister-in-law.

Making a Suitable Choice

The first step is taken by the parents of the girl or boy to discuss with their elders, to seek their blessings and to investigate and try to arrange the marriage of the grown up boy or girl. At this stage, the elders may suggest certain families that they know and consider suitable to establish the future relationship/kinship.

Then the parents of the future bride/groom explore the availability of any suitable young person in any of those families. Suitability means age, health, height, education, behavior personality, character within the family and the society at large. Emphasis is placed upon the family heritage above all these factors. If no suitable person is located within those families, then they search for other families through the sources of friends, relatives,
etc.
Science of genetics was very well known, understood and practiced by Hindus from the ancient times of Vedas, as taught under Ayurveda. Breeders of thoroughbred horses are proud to raise them with their known hereditary traits. They try their best to produce future offspring with the desired inherited traits and then encourage growth and development of the same in the new generation. They thoroughly check the pedigree and pay a high price for it. Very little attention is given to these factors when it gets to selection of a mate for human beings in the “modern” time!

Contact and the selection process takes the help of newspaper advertisements (with very little investigation of inheritance) and short and limited social con-tacts in school or club or on dance floors. Many times parents or other elders of the family are involved only as guests at the marriage ceremony with very little or silent participation or as a showpiece.

At the second step, while exploring different avenues, the parents of the boy and girl consult the boy and the girl as to their feelings and expectations. Maybe because of coeducation or other social opportunities, the girl or the boy may have thought of someone else to be their spouse. Parents, usually, are inclined to consider the situation favourably unless there is something that they feel is absolutely undesirable.

The third step, after initial consideration on either side, is that the parents seek help from some go-between relative or a friend who acts as a confidant to feel out the other side. If the response is encouraging, then the first step is taken by the father of the girl, to meet the father of the boy with the help of the same friend and present a proposal. If the boy’s parents have already investigated on their own about the family of the girl, the father of the boy accepts the proposal subject to the condition that both sides should discuss it with the boy and girl and then make a commitment. Besides this, it is helpful to let an astrologer look into the horoscopes of the boy and the girl to check about the possible effects of the marriage. As a formal affair, the members of the boy’s family and as many relative as they may like to involve visit the girl’s home to get to know each other and also to have an opportunity to let the boy and the girl discuss

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with each other their own expectations and evaluate each other. This visit may take a few hours or a whole day. If everything goes well and both families develop a feeling of mutual agreement, the boy’s mother puts a gold necklace around the neck of the girl. This necklace is usually old, previously used by the mother. This ceremony is also known as Va¯g Da¯na, a firm commitment by the boy’s family to the family of the girl.

Except in big cities, marriages are normally planned at a reasonable distance (maybe fifty to one hundred miles) between the two families for several reasons like:

1. Families consider all girls of the town as their own daughters and the girls are respected and cared for as such. Old tradition families still treat them the same way.

2. Sociologically and psychologically, boys and girls grow up as brothers and sisters within the community and not as girl/boy friend. This reduces chances of abuse or other unwanted behavior patterns like unwed parenthood.

3. When the girl marries, she is not dependent upon her mother and other relatives, detachment of apron strings does happen.

4. Old traditions still prevail. According to these traditions, biological parents of the girl normally do not eat or drink in the town in which the girl is married.

This automatically disciplines the attitude of detachment of the girl’s parents and discourages any attempt to influence the girl’s new family and directly or indirectly benefiting from it.

Engagement

The fourth step is more formal and it marks the beginning of the religious ceremonies, the day and time for which is usually fixed and planned by the religious priests on both sides, using the astrological signs. A priest, the father of the girl, an elder person of the community of the girl’s side, and an elder brother of the girl, and sometimes a few friends, go to the boy’s parents’ home.

There they are received with the appropriate mannerisms. From the boy’s side, a priest, an elder person of the community, the father, and other adult men of the family are usually present for the occasion in the reception room. Of special notice at this time is the fact that they all sit on the floor, like any other religious ceremony. The girl’s eldest brother does tilak [marking the forehead with red colored powder] to the boy—presenting a gold ring or some other ornament like a chain, a suit consisting of five or seven clothes, and some gifts for the family of the boy. The boy acknowledges and reciprocates in the same manner by doing tilak to his future brother-in-law and gives him a suit of five or seven clothes. The boy’s father presents five dresses for the girl, a set of ornaments, a set of cosmetics, and a few gifts for the girl’s siblings and other younger children within the family or friends, and some sweets for distribution in the community of the girl’s home. The giving of a set of cosmetics by the parents of the boy is literally a permission to learn the proper use of cosmetics for her future married life. This set has to have mehandi (dried green leaves in ground form), scented
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oil, ka¯jal [lamp-black], comb, hairbrush,
etc.
All of these are an important part of the set. Also, there are a few glass bangles of different colors, except black and blue.

During this entire ceremony, religious mantras are chanted by the priests, and some humorous songs full of blessing are sung by the group of females who usually sit separately from the men. At this time, a suitable auspicious date for marriage is figured out by the two priests and agreed to by both sets of parents.

Invitation for Marriage

The girl’s parents send a formal invitation, hand written in a religious form by their priest, to the parents of the boy, to come and wed their daughter on the fixed date and time. This invitation usually lists the genealogy of the girl’s side, going back at least four generations on the paternal and maternal side. Also, the genealogy of the boy likewise is described. This is to strengthen the point that the girl and the boy, both, are from well-established, unblemished families, socially or religiously, by any acts and they are supported by their extended families.

Invitation to the Maternal Grandparents of the Boy/Girl
Mothers of the boy and girl, accompanied by their husband, go to their parents’

homes to invite them to participate in the marriage of their grandson/grand-daughter. On this occasion, the mother takes a few gifts for the younger children—a dry coconut, a supa¯rı¯ (a whole betel nut), some sweets, and a dress for each of the younger children in the family. Upon acceptance of the invitation, the eldest male member of the family, accepts all of the gifts or a few of them, especially the supa¯rı¯, the coconut, and a tilak from their son-in-law and the daughter. [The] [e]ldest male member from the maternal grand parents’ reciprocates with tilak (along with some gifts of cash and clothes) to their son-in-law and daughter. Man.galaga¯na may be set up for the evening at their home, where ladies and children of the community are invited, and sweets are distributed.

Other Religious Ceremonies of the Marriage
In both of the homes, religious ceremonies are initiated about five days prior to the date of the marriage. One of the important events is man.galaga¯na. This is done by the ladies of the community in the evening and early part of the night. Man.galaga¯na includes music, playing of music, playing of musical instruments, dances, skits, and a distribution of sweets at the end. This may continue for all five days.

Ganesá and Navagraha Pu¯ja¯
[
Worship
]

Parents in both homes perform this pu¯ja¯ for the blessings of Ganesá and nine planets for fulfillment of the project with peace and without any obstacle.

Gan
.
ga¯/Well Pu¯jana
At both homes, the mothers, accompanied by other women, the girls of the family, and maybe a few close friends go to the nearby river or the village well to fetch a pitcher or earthen pot full of water from there. [The] [m]other of the

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boy/girl carries the pitcher on her head. They go in procession, singing prayer songs in chorus. The priest or the wife of the priest accompanies them for the pu¯ja¯ of the river or well. After the pu¯ja¯, the pitcher is filled with water and brought home to give a sacred bath to the boy or girl. This ceremony has two significant purposes. One is to strengthen feelings of importance of water in life and its sanctity (that no one may ever try to pollute the wells and rivers), and the other demonstrates the physical and spiritual cleansing of the boy or girl. The boy and the girl are given a massage and helped to clean their bodies by using a mixture of curd, powered sarson (yellow mustard), coconut or coconut oil, turmeric powder, chandan [sandalwood] saw dust, and gram flour. The women sing man.galaga¯na. After the bath, there is another ceremony called tel-charhana and tel-utarna to ward off evil spirits.

Reception of the Maternal Uncle and
His Family at the Home of the Bride and Groom
This is another very important occasion. The parents of the boy or girl make arrangements at one of their friend’s house for the maternal uncle and his family’s short stay to relax, change clothes, etc., after a long journey. The host friend normally serves light refreshments to the guests. Then the mother of the girl or boy, accompanied by the father and other women and children of the family, go to that house to formally receive the family and bring them home in a procession while they continually sing welcoming songs. At home each one of the members of the family steps on a chowki [low stool]. Each takes a turn beginning with the eldest male member and his spouse. Other members of the family follow according to seniority of age or relationship. Each one is given a tilak by the mother and father of the boy or girl. The eldest male members give cash and other gifts from the maternal grandparents’ family, to the mother and father of the boy or girl. This is called “Bha¯ta” from them. The amount of the cash and gifts varies greatly, depending upon the financial strength of the family, and perhaps the needs of the parents of the boy or girl on this great and expensive occasion.

Minimum essential constituents of Bha¯ta from the maternal uncle are clothes for the sister, brother-in-law, groom/bride. They are expected to wear these clothes during the marriage ceremony. Other items considered minimum essential for their auspiciousness are: