Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (23 page)

Why men get erections at inappropriate times is another matter altogether. Sometimes, boxer shorts just hit the right—or wrong—way and the next thing a guy knows he’s sitting in Starbucks with a cappuccino and a woody. Every man in the world remembers being in junior high with a hard-on, nervously eyeing the clock and knowing that class will be over in three very short minutes, with no deflation in sight. Women may never know just how often this happens to men, but it’s a never-ending problem. In fact, this could be the reason why men often seem distracted in the middle of a conversation.

One minute they’re listening closely to your latest business strategy, and the next, all they can think about is how they can stand up without Mr. Stiffy pitching a tent right into their Caesar salad.

Way back when, when Danny was a host in a restaurant and gentlemen customers would unabashedly flirt with him to get a good table, this used to happen to him all the time. Luckily, the restaurant had huge menus that he could hold at the right angle to cover up any embar-22

Penis Primer

rassing bulges, and he just prayed that it would go away by the time he reached the table. “I need a menu” became a much-used euphemism around the restaurant, which was especially loved by our friend Laurie, who was fond of popping up at the host stand during the lunch rush and asking if Danny needed a menu. Somehow, she always knew when he did.

Big, Bigger, Biggest

The next stage after arousal is big, bigger, biggest. Mr. Stiffy will become his absolute stiffest and tallest, and the ridge around the head will get bigger and extra sensitive, too. This is when you’ll want to be careful not to overdo it, unless you’re into very brief sexual encounters. One way to tell if your guy is close to orgasm is to check out his balls. If they look tight and are close to the shaft, then that means he’s pretty close. If they’re way up, that means he may be at “the point of no return,” and there’s no turning back. The big, bigger, biggest phase can be long or short. We suggest paying attention to other parts of his body in between manual and oral action, so that you’re not left watching the evening news afterward, when you were planning to watch the late, late show.

Climax

As one nears orgasm, the heart and breathing rates increase rapidly, and muscles will tense up. Like women, men climax in little contractions, about eight of them to be exact,
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
according to a friend of ours in medical school, and around one second apart. Ejaculation can be accompanied by any variety of responses. We’ve seen laughers, criers, screamers, guys who whinny like a horse, and more. Some guys tremble involuntarily, some hardly make a peep. Danny says he’s been known to laugh during climax, and some guys get all paranoid and stuff, asking what’s so funny? Whatever your guy does, you’ll want to be warm and encouraging. Hug him if he seems to want it; kisses immediately after climax can be tough, because you’ll both be breathing pretty heavily. One final tip: Do
not
grab it right after climax, because Mr. Stiffy will be so crazed, wild and sensitive that he can barely be touched. We have one friend who says that he actually likes his penis to be held after climax, but he’s an oddball. So don’t do it, unless you want to risk having your hand slapped harder than Sister Mary Agnes used to do at Holy Name High.

We’re not exactly sure why not all orgasms are the toe-tingling, body-rocking, volcanic eruptions that all men dream about. The fact is that these
do
happen, but not always. We definitely believe that it has to do with how long foreplay and other forms of stimulation are involved. The longer the action, the stronger the reaction. Keep in mind that men can toss off in about three minutes, but their toes won’t be tingling. Now that you’re starting to think more like a gay man, you should go for the toe tingle every time. You’ll have the confidence of knowing that you were the best thing in bed he’s ever had and, remember, it’s the toe-tingler that gets the tennis bracelet, and we know you’ve got room in your jewelry box for lots of those.

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Penis Primer

NATURE’S WONDERS

How there can be so many shapes and sizes of penises is a mystery of nature. Be prepared to see some that veer off to the side like a banana, some that are thicker at the bottom than at the top, long and skinny ones, short and fat ones, ones with hair at the base of the shaft, and a staggering variety of head shapes. Head shapes are probably affected by circumcision.

One guy Danny knows must have had a gay circumciser, since the head of his penis flares out with a baroque flourish at the ridge. The same thing goes for color; some get very red, but some stay the same color as when they are flaccid. If you’re having sex with a white guy using a cock ring, don’t be alarmed if Mr. Stiffy turns a deep crimson. Though less noticeable, perhaps, black guys using a ring change color, too—a shade that resembles Chanel’s Very Vamp.

While most penises have some nice qualities to recommend them, we have to admit that some are just plain gross to look at. In this case, you’re going to have to keep the lights out, close your eyes and just imagine that the thing you’re about to go down on is a perfectly rendered Renaissance sculpture, and not the twisted, knotty reality that’s actually in front of your face. And remember, if a guy’s thing is gross, he
knows
it, so your award-winning, imaginative performance will be appreciated all the more.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
PENIS NAMES

Another aspect of penis psych 101 that you should know about is the phenomenon of men actually naming their penises, but it’s more common among straight guys than gay ones. Often there is a jocular tone to the name, sort of like a nickname; other times guys come up with some really dull ones. Here’s a list of some we’ve heard:

Mr. Hooha

Mr. Happy

Bunny

Red

Herman, the One-Eyed German

Long John

Little Pete

Little Elvis

Fast Freddy

Mad Dog

Big Fella

Ralph

Mikey

Rodney

George

Juice

and the rather uninspired
Sam
(not to knock him, though: Sam was one hot number)

Some guys we polled seem to
objectify
, rather than
personify
, their feisty little friends. Some of the names in this category include:

(continued)

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Penis Primer

Louisville Slugger

The Monster
(or
El Monstro
if going for an international flair)

Warhead

Godzilla
(which, according to its owner, is often shortened to “God,” especially during orgasm)
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Primi Piatti

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
So the stage is set. You’ve got the guy, and you’ve got the goods. Now you’re ready to dig into the first course of a memorable five-star meal.

Recently, a friend of ours announced he was taking a leave from his job and was moving to Spain to be with his paramour.

When we asked him why, he said because the sex was like nothing he had ever experienced. This new love kept him hot, and hard, all the time. After he caught us eagerly eyeing his zipper to see if this was true, we quizzed him to find out what was so special. Was it the technique? Did they do it five times a day? Did he know something we didn’t know? The secret, according to our friend, was that his knowledgeable
novio
cleverly controlled the whens, wheres and whats of their fooling around. Our friend never knew what to expect—and he loved it!

Gay guys don’t think about which partner is taking the lead all that much. It just kind of happens. Take a lesson from your gay friend: If you want to win at Wimbledon, you’ve got to open with a great serve. Don’t be afraid to start the set. If you’re worried that he’ll think you’re an overanxious amazon, just remember that many men fantasize about being tied up by buxom Barbarellas from Deep Space Nine. Our informal poll of men, straight and gay, tells us that guys love to have their partner orchestrate; probably more often than you’d think. The notion of him lying back with someone else calling the shots—and doing most of the work—is pretty appealing. You already know the surefire signal: “Just grab it” (see Introduction). This chapter will give you some tips on how to keep the ball rolling.

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LIP TIPS

There’s probably not much a gay man can tell you about kissing that you don’t already know. We all know good kissers and bad kissers, so what makes a great kiss? Loose lips, open mouth, and an open attitude. The fact that you’re reading this book means you’ve got an open attitude—or are pretty darn close. But there are other places you can kiss him that will rev up his engine. He’ll think you’ve been training for the Indy 500 and, with these tips, you’re sure to scoop the checkered flag.

After a long, lovely series of kisses on the mouth, it’s time to heat things up and head south. Kisses on the neck are nice, but it’s your tongue that will put him into high gear. Light licks and soft breathing into his ear will send shivers down his spine. Move lower to the most sensitive spot on his neck and throat, which is along the line where his whiskers vanish. Using the flat part of your tongue, and a firm pressure, lick up and down along that line. If he’s too ticklish, lighten up and move on to other parts.

Another good spot is the curve where his neck meets his shoulder. In general, almost any kind of tongue touches in this area will rock his racket. Keep heading south to his underarms.

If his hands are clasped behind his neck, you’ve got an open invitation. If not, deftly take hold of his wrist and move his arm up above his head. The underarm area is where gay men go to town. One girlfriend of ours said that while she loved to give BJs, there was no way she was sticking her face under some guy’s arm. We agree that a mouthful of Arrid Extra Dry is a lousy way to stick to your Weight

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Watchers plan, which is why the presex shower is a must.

Our friend Peter is so into underarm action that he thought we should devote a whole chapter to this. And Peter’s preference has propelled him into a plethora of partners’ pits. There are two areas to approach. Start by licking the super smooth spot directly below the hair under his arms for a while, then go right for the center of his underarm. Use your lips and gums to massage him, moving from section to section. Another sexy spot is along the inside of his arm, in between the bicep and tricep. The skin in these three areas tends to be very soft and, often, neglected. Perhaps that’s why Peter goes so gaga for pit play.

When you’re bored with his armpits, keep licking and mouthing your way down to another area that’s often overlooked: his inner thighs. Slide down and shift positions so that your legs are hanging over the sides of the bed and your head is between his legs. You may already have noticed that many men have a little bald spot on their inner thighs. We don’t know if this is a genetic quirk or the result of too-tight jeans, but it’s a great place to play around in. Use the same mouth motion you used under his arms. Start with the bald spot and work your way to the line where his torso meets his leg. Say hi to Mr. Stiffy so he won’t feel left out. A soft stroke with your hand will let him know that you’ll be back later to take good care of him.

A VERSATILE GUIDE TO NIPPLES

We already mentioned how some of our women friends were amazed to learn that men have feeling in their nipples.

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Primi Piatti

To some guys, this is a big nothing. But to others, these petite protrusions are two major points on the playing field. Our poll shows a fifty-fifty split: Fifty percent say “don’t bother” and fifty percent are nipple queens.

The only way to find out if a guy’s nipples are in the hot zone is to test the waters. Lazy licking is pretty boring, but he might like the sensation of bites, tugs or tweaks. A friend of ours, who’s the king of nipple queens, told us everything you always wanted to know about nipples but were afraid to ask.

The first thing you’ll want to do is prime the pecs. If your gentleman du jour has been working out, he’ll have heightened feeling in his pectoral muscles. Massage and knead the pecs inward to send the sensation toward the nipple. He’ll also like the fact that you’ve noticed all his hard work at the gym. You want to get the nipple to the point where it’s almost begging for attention, because when you finally touch it, it will be supersensitive. Some muscle men seem to have perpetual nipple hard-ons. Nipple King tells us if that’s not the case, don’t wait for his nipples to get hard before you help them along. He claims he’s encountered nipples ranging in size from little nubs to nipples an inch long. Our experience has been mostly on the shorter end.