Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (26 page)

Ironically, the best way to spot a Tranny Smith Apple is by checking out its Adam’s apple.

“Transgender” is an umbrella term for anyone who feels that they are something other than their biological sex. Medical professionals call this condition
Gender Identity Disorder (GID),
and trying to classify all the different categories can be a hot mess.

Connect the following transgender categories to the appropriate face without offending anyone:

The term “hermaphrodite” comes from Hermaphroditus, Greek god of hogging the remote and taking too long in the bathroom.

Intersex People

The term “intersex” is used to describe individuals born with genitalia that have both male and female characteristics. (People with this condition are sometimes referred to as hermaphrodites, but this label has been deemed offensive by the intersex community and fallen out of favor.) While having unique genitalia may sound like fun, intersex people are often made to feel ashamed of their bodies, some -thing no one did better than little-known stand-up comedian Riff Rappaport.

RIFF RAPPAPORT

From 1989 until his murder at the hands of an angry mob of intersex individuals in 1994, Riff’s inventive mix of humor, misconceptions, and flat-out lies about genital deformities raised awareness of intersexuality, though not always in a good way. Here is a partial transcript of Riff’s hilariously tragic last set:
If you’ve ever yelled at yourself for leaving the toilet seat up … you might be a hermaphrodite.

If you refuse to pull over and ask for directions on your way to the SEX AND THE CITY movie … you might be a hermaphrodite.

If you eat bonbons out of a bowl shaped like a football helmet you might be a hermaphrodite.

If you try to tell me my jokes are insensitive because hermaphrodites feel alienated enough without someone making fun of them … you might be a hermaphrodite.

If’ you keep telling me you prefer to be called “intersex” because “hermaphrodite” implies you have the same genitals as a tapeworm … you might be a hermaphrodite.

If you’re angrily getting up from your chair and approaching the stage right now … you might be a hermaphrodite.

If you’ve got the balls to pick a fight at a comedy club, but one or both of’ them never descended … you might be a—oof! Hey, that hur-

(End of recording)

Eunuchs

Oh, hey there. I’m the eunuch section. Did you think the gay chapter was the only part of this book that was self-aware? It’s not. I just have a little less to be aware of, on account of the fact I’ve been “edited.” On the bright side (for you at least), I’m probably the only eunuch you’ll ever bring home, given that chopping people’s nuts off has been outlawed in most of the world. But there was a time when eunuchs were valued as harem guards, royal advisors, and castratos in Catholic Church choirs (though given the heartbreak of involuntary castration, you’d think most eunuchs would be country singers). What was I saying? Oh right, my missing testicles. Sort of a hard thing to forget. My point is, these things are even tougher for eunuchs, now that we don’t have all those cool job opportunites. Come to think of it, do
you
have any eunuch jobs that need doing? If you give me twenty bucks, I’ll let you throw a football at my groin. No, seriously! It still hurts, but I’m willing to “play ball,” as it were. Basically, I’m just looking for a resume builder. Hey, where are you going? Is it something I said? You can’t not hire me just because I’m a eunuch-that’s discrimination. That’s it, I’m suing you. No wait, I was just kidding. Come back!

It’s sad to think we live in a world where trucks have nuts and some men don’t.

FUCKTOID

Did you know Abraham Lincoln was avenged by a eunuch?

Thomas “Boston” Corbett was a sergeant in the Union Army who had castrated himself with a pair of scissors to avoid the sinful temptation of prostitutes. Following Lincoln’s assassination in 1865, Corbett was sent to track down the fugitive John Wilkes Booth. Despite orders to take Booth alive, Corbett shot the deranged actor in the neck because, as he put it, “Providence directed me.”

The moral of the story? You don’t need nuts to be nuts.

Like his portrait, Boston Corbett was cropped below the waist.

Orgies

The credit for inventing the ultimate party game goes to the ancient Greeks, who conceived orgies as secret religious rites to honor Dionysus, the god of fertility and wine. Through dancing, drinking, and raucous group sex, worshipers of Dionysus sought to achieve a state of ecstasy in which they were temporarily freed from their earthly bodies. It worked—so well, in fact, that revelers often emerged from their euphoria to find they had torn apart wild animals with their bare hands and eaten the raw flesh. (Let this be a lesson—should you choose to host an orgy, be sure to have snacks!)

Like Jenga, but with naked people

IF YOU TRAVEL TO INDIA you may encounter hijras, gangs of transgendered buskers who make money by harassing people with dirty songs and dancing (like roving packs of Ru Pauls, without a pesky agent taking 10 percent). Hijras show up uninvited at weddings, births, and shop openings to capitalize on the superstition that hijras curse those who fail to appease them, but bring luck and good fortune to those who do.

WHAT TO DO: If hijras try to ruin your big day, don’t let them! Their whole scam is based on the assumption they can embarrass you into forking over cash. So you have to show that you won’t be humiliated. If it’s your wedding day, pull down your pants and jiggle your junk in front of your new in-laws. If it’s the grand opening of your frozen yogurt counter, start working the cash register with your penis. You may scare off a few customers, but those cross-dressing grifters will be “sari” they ever messed with you!

In addition to being the spokes deity for fun things like sex and drunkenness, Dionysus was also the god of theater. So it isn’t surprising to learn that Dionysus has been a scathing critic of the orgy scene, as evidenced by his weekly column in the
Mount Olympus Times-Picayune:

I’m “Dion” Over Here! by Dionysus