Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (35 page)

CHAPTER 9

The Future of Sex

The Future of Sex
Can you read this? If not, it’s probably because your primitive organic eyes can’t yet process the super-advanced hyperfonts of 6969. Look away! BEFDRE YOUR EYES EXPLODE AND YOU GET PRIMITIVE EYE JUICE ALL OVER THIS ELECTRO-PAPER.

But not being able to decipher cool twelfth-dimensional typography like Space-Times New Roman and Cosmic Sans is the least of your problems. Because if you can’t read this, it means your sexual consciousness is trapped in a carbon-based blood suitcase of a body, forced to have intercourse by “touching.”

EWW.

That kind of crude, juvenile sex seems almost comical in the year 6969. To put it in hyperspeak:

Not only is a fourth-dimensional Mobius penis infinitely long, it can exist in all orifices at the same time.

Sorry, that was harsh. But come on! Did it honestly never occur to you that the world would be a much happier place if your leaders were hermaphrodites? Or that you could clone spare bodies in case you get an STD? Were you even trying to be sexy? Don’t bother answering, because I don’t care. Get ready for the briefest of glimpses into a whole new universe of sexual delights and wonders you’ll never get to experience, because you’ll be dead. Oh no. What’s that coming out of your eyes’? Is that… eyejuice? Watch it, you clumsy oaf! If you get any of that primitive fluid on the electro-paper you’ll— Dear God. What have you done? You’ve shorted out my hyperformatting! You’ve got to help me before my Kerning matrix ruptures or I’ll stuck forever in Zaph x b c v F H S B V H W A J B S V J K D S

Teledildonics
In the future, you’ll be having the best sex of your life, and your partner won’t even be there. No, you won’t be masturbating (at least not every time). You’ll be fucking each other thousands of miles apart with the help of remote stimulation devices known as
teledildos.

A technology still in its infancy, teledidlonics combines the latest advances in communication with the crude vibrating, sucking, and “massaging” mechanisms we’ve used in sex toys for the past hundred years. The result: no longer is your distance from your lover during sex limited to the length of the penis. Now, you can be literally millions of penises away and still fuck each other’s brains out—just don’t expect any cuddling afterward.

What does it all mean? It means that in the future, the dorky kid who claims to have a girlfriend in Canada may not only be telling the truth, but also getting more action than you, teledildonically.

Teledildonic devices will likely be stored in a robonightstand.

Here are just a few forms this genital-exciting new technology could take:
oPHONES

Let’s face it: so-called phone sex isn’t sex. It’s masturbating with a phone in your hand. And if your phone-a-friend-with-benefits isn’t good at talking dirty, you’re tempted to call 911 and report a violent crime: your genitals being bored to death.

Thankfully, teledildonic telephones, or
dildophones,
will change all that. Featuring either a penile antenna or a vaginal input port, these kinky communicators will boast a vibrate mode five hundred times more powerful than anything on the market today. Meaning that your future lover may be whispering sweet nothings, but you’ll definitely be feeling some sweet somethings … and they will rattle your astro-fillings with ecstasy.

Yet for all its promise, dildophone technology faces three major obstacles:
Dropped calls could result in blue balls.

It’s likely you’d get annoying unsolicited orgasms from teledildomarketers (probably during dinner).

Sitting on your phone and accidentally dialing your parents would technically constitute incest.

Are oPhones basically vibrators? How dare you! They are
vibrating phones you hold against your crotch,
something only imaginable in the future.

ROBOSEXTING

It’s the future and you’re relaxing, reading the cyberpaper in front of a roaring gamma fire. It’s another quiet night at home. You’ve had a lot of them lately with your girlfriend out of the galaxy shooting that big-budget holomovie with George Cloney.*

Suddenly, there’s a knock on the portal. You open it to find a sexy robot, looking more or less like the lover for whom you’ve been pining. Before you can say a word, it shoots laser beams out of its eyes and vaporizes your technozipper. As your futuristic silver pants fall to the floor, the unannounced android’s mouth begins to glow with a soothing orange light. Then, with passionate metal eyes, the machine lurches toward your-