Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (36 page)

Programming a robosexter

This is the basic concept behind the remote-controlled sex machines of the future known as robosexters. The term is based on “sexting,” the early twenty-first-century practice of using mobile phones to send regrettable photos and declarations of horniness to future ex-boyfriends. Robosexting expands on this notion, only instead of blurry shots of your initials shaved into some crazy girl’s pubic hair, it’s a sexy metal messenger that’s traveled thousands of miles to deliver the orgasms your partner couldn’t give in person.

A robosexter’s program determines exactly how it goes about doing this. Early versions might let users string together routines of preprogrammed sex acts (e.g., LAP DANCE, HAND JOB, HEART-SHAPED HICKEY, REPEAT), while advanced models will allow for more personalized messages (e.g., that “thing” you do with your “thing”). This level of detail will require “teaching” the robot with a motion-capture suit, or possibly just fucking it the way you want it to fuck. This, however, is dangerous territory, given that there’s no quicker way to make a robot fall in love with you.

* After his death, actor George Clooney will be cloned using the copious amounts of leftover DNA in his bedroom. The result of this experiment and all subsequent dashing replicas will be named “George Cloney.”

The thrill is not knowing who’s on the other side of space-time.

GLORY WORMHOLES

No matter how lifelike robosexters be-come, in the end you’d still be settling for a bucket of bolts that may or may not be secretly planning to murder you and steal your lover. The ideal teledildonic would let you actually be there, cutting the jealous robot out of the equation and allowing you to get some faraway poonanny in the flesh. This is the thrilling concept behind glory wormholes. A glory wormhole is a hypothetical phenomenon that provides a shortcut to a distant part of the universe, but is only big enough to accommodate something the size of a penis (even then posing a significant risk of time-splinters). Sound crazy? That’s because it is crazy. It’s sticking your cock into a rift in the space-time continuum and hoping someone or something a million light years away will give you a hummer.

From a teledildonic standpoint, the first impulse might be to somehow manipulate glory wormholes so you could control where they go. But even if this were possible, would it really be the most exciting way to use them? Your penis could travel to the farthest reaches of the known universe, experiencing pleasures not yet conceived of by our primitive human brains. Even if there were nothing on the other side, the vacuum of space would put any penis pump to shame. Knowing all this, would you still want to bother your out-of-town girlfriend with a disembodied, intergalactic hard-on right in the middle of her big business presentation? Probably not.

As if the prospects weren’t already exciting enough, glory wormholes could also let your penis travel through time. By accelerating your end of a wormhole to a velocity approaching the speed of light, anything that entered (e.g., your penis) would exit at a point in time prior to its entry. Meaning, at least in theory, you could get a blow job from Marilyn Monroe, Cleopatra, Hitler’s mom, or even a younger version of yourself (assuming you cruised glory wormholes during your “experimental phase”).

Yet for all the mysteries of glory wormholes, one thing is certain: if they do exist, they make for some very happy worms.

STDs 2.0:
Standard Tomorrow Diseases

Though we can hope for a future when STDs are eradicated, that probably won’t be the case. Viral mutations and what appears to be a spreading epidemic of bass players with latex allergies will mean a whole new generation of super STDs. Of course there’s no way of knowing exactly what these groin-spoiling nightmares will do to us, but it makes for fun/terrifying speculation.

COMPUTER CLAP

First spread from laptop computers to actual laps, this highly contagious STD will be the first computer virus to make the leap to nonmechanical hosts. (Future rumor has it some sicko fucked his MacBook.) With even “clean-looking” Web sites capable of spreading the virus, masturbating to Internet porn will no longer be safe sex. Computer clap will be able to sneak past any antivirus program, meaning the only firewall you’ll care about is the one that activates when you pee.

GLOW CROTCH

One of the worst things about STDs is the stigma, especially when it comes in the form of a ridiculous glowing wang visible through five pairs of underwear. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happens with glow crotch, a clingy phosphorescent bacterium that turns shame into shine. The more embarrassed you get, the brighter it becomes. Which means for glow crotch sufferers (also known as
beacon britches),
going to a movie, the planetarium, or any other first date that doesn’t take place in near-blinding sunlight will probably be your last. Worst of all: the laughter ringing in your ears anytime someone tells you to “look on the bright side.”

DEATHBED BUGS

As STDs go, deathbed bugs won’t be all that bad. Most carriers will spend their whole lives oblivious to these internal parasites that don’t eat much and rarely throw parties. But when deathbed bugs realize the gravy train is pulling into Heaven Station, they’ll FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Bursting from the abdomen of their dying host, the dramatic exit of deathbed bugs will ruin many a touching farewell with a creepy-crawly reminder of Grandma’s “wild days.”

THE TORCH

The arrival of aliens to Earth will introduce our first mental STD. Nicknamed “the torch,” this affliction stems from the crippling emotional letdown that follows hooking up with a sexually advanced being. After all, if aliens are sophisticated enough to travel millions of light-years, they’re going to be dynamite in the sleep pod. How can you not be depressed when it’s over? Fortunately, there is a cure. All the pain, all the loneliness … it would all go away if Glryyynxtswx would just come back, if only for a little bit. Maybe if you made him a really impressive crop circle in the backyard, he’d drop by and say hi. It certainly couldn’t hurt... (Besides, you don’t really like corn anyway.)
Our Future Bodies
It’s often said that the body is a temple. But if you knew a “carpenter” who could get his hands on some cheap “lumber” from a dead “tree,” slapping on a few additions wouldn’t be disrespecting the temple-it would be increasing the property value! Fortunately this will be a common scenario in a future rich in medical waste and day laborers with cosmetic surgery experience.

Stomach

Before:
Well-fed

After:
Chiseled

Afterer:
Gilled

Boobs

Before:
Who cares? They're boobs!

After:
Sherical

Afterer:
Muli-nippled

Lips

Before:
Painted

After:
Plumped

Afterer:
Duck-billed

Anus

Before:
Worm-free

After:
Bleached

Afterer:
Bejeweled

Body (Men)

Before:
Intermittently hairy

After:
Bronzed

Afterer:
Titaniumed

Body (Women)

Before:
Hourglass

After:
Minuteglass

Afterer:
Levitating torso

Assuming current trends in body improvement hold firm (probably a little too firm), this is what we’ll be doing to ourselves in the future.

Braingasms:
Get Ready to Have Your Mind Blown (Literally)

Despite its squishy texture, unappealing gray color, and sickening association with open head wounds, the brain is the sexiest part of the human body. Sure, you tend to think of your tingling, throbbing, engorging, and all-around naughtier “lower bits” as the sexy ones, but behind the scenes, it’s your brain that’s pulling the pleasure strings and turning the tiny crank that makes your toes curl. Pretty sexy, brain.

Given the brain’s role in achieving orgasm, it’s only a matter of time before people start fucking with it, in all senses of the word. By stimulating specific areas of the brain with electricity, chemicals, or teensy-weensy glasses of champagne, we could give our lovers and ourselves the longest, most powerful orgasms in history. As if that weren’t incentive enough, brain sex would also let us bypass our malfunction-prone (and let’s face it, silly-looking) genitals. Gone would be the days of fiddling with tricky clitorises and waiting for penises to reboot. Suddenly, “pressing our buttons” would be as easy as flipping a switch, or perhaps pulling a lever of some kind.*