Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (16 page)

Some say that authors see the little “6” going down on that little “9” in the corner of the page and it subconsciously inspires them. Others claim that publishers got wind of the “always sex on page 69” legend and started pimping out the pre-70 mark, just to avoid disappointing prospective book buyers. Whatever the reason, you’re probably wondering why this page 69 doesn’t seem all that sexy. That’s because our “6” and “9” have fucked right off the page. Watch out for the wet spot.

Masturpiece Theatre:

Role-Playing for One

THE TICKING TIME BOMB

What you’ll need:

A chair

Some rope

A digital clock

Some paper towel rolls painted red (save the paper towels for cleanup!) The scene:

A madman has taken you hostage and tied you to a chair. To make matters worse, he’s rigged a bomb that will detonate unless you give yourself an orgasm before the timer reaches zero. Which will come first: the little death or the big one?

ALIEN ZOO

What you’ll need:

A jail cell

A Dixie cup wrapped in tinfoil

Some space hay

The scene:

Earth has been destroyed and you are the sole survivor. It’s up to you to produce viable semen for alien scientists so they can reconstitute the human race. Also, alien zoo attendance is way down and a masturbating earthling exhibit would probably sell some tickets.

STATE OF YOUR UNION

What you’ll need:

A podium

A message

Some people who look like Congress members The scene:

You have won the presidency but it was a tough race and you need to let off some steam. With your crotch hidden behind the podium it may be the only time the Secret Service agents don’t have their eyes on it. Can you deliver the State of the Union address and discreetly pleasure yourself at the same time?

THAR’S GOLD IN THEM THAR GENITALS!

What you’ll need:

Prospector hat

A pie plate with a hole in the bottom
Some elbow grease

The scene:

Word has spread about a mighty big lode … in your pants! You’ve got to grab the main vein before any claim jumpers steal your precious nuggets. Start shaking that pan and go for the gold!

FUCKTOID

One of most fervent opponents of masturbation was John Harvey Kellogg, doctor and co-inventor of corn flakes cereal. Kellogg advocated using bandages, acid, shock therapy, and even genital cages to prevent adolescents from pleasuring themselves, which makes it all the more surprising that his cereal featured a giant cock on the box.

John Harvey Kellogg thought life should be as bland and joyless as his cereal.