Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (15 page)

Cancer
“Ziggy”

How much cash you just blew on that terrible blind date
The death of your first pet
Where homeless people masturbate
The Trail of Tears
The ceiling
How you never followed your dreams

Depending how you look at it, this image is either prima wank material or a total boner killer.

DO WOMEN MASTURBATE?

One of the biggest myths about masturbation is that women just aren’t that into it. This simply isn’t true. Behind every strong masturbator, there’s an even stronger missturbator. Women just happen to go about it differently.

IDEAL SETTING

MEN: Anywhere

WOMEN: On silk sheets covered with rose petals, surrounded by scented candles, with smooth jazz playing
DURATION

MEN: As quickly as possible

WOMEN: Three minutes to however long it takes to realize you’re dying of dehydration
FREQUENCY

MEN: As often as possible

WOMEN: Precisely 330.47 Hz (also known as the HIGH setting)

ORGASM COMPARABLE TO

MEN: A satisfying bowel movement out of your penis
WOMEN: That shiver you feel before you sneeze, only the shiver is pure ecstasy and the sneeze is touching the face of God
CLEANUP

MEN: YES

WOMEN: Just the rose petals

Things You Can Do with Hairy Palms

Wash your car

Put on puppet shows

Hand-model for niche products

THE LEGEND OF
PAGE 69

Whether you read classic literature or coloring books, you can always count on one page to be sexier than the rest: page 69. Don’t believe it? Look for yourself. In the Holy Bible, page 69 just happens to be where Moses and the Pharaoh compare rods. In
Moby-Dick,
it’s where Mrs. Hussey offers both Ishmael and Queequeg a taste of her succulent clam chowder. And in
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes...
well, let’s just say it inspired a lot of bumper stickers. Time and again, page 69 is practically begging to wind up stuck to page 68. Why is this?