Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (10 page)

The
sextant,
an early sex toy that allowed sailors to calibrate both the angle of the dangle (°D) and the motion of the ocean (M)

^*
The preferred term among people who are too shy to say “sex toys,” but who don’t mind saying “aids” in a sexual context.

1. Five years of nothing but prison slop; 2. Ground unicorn horn (absorbed rectally); 3. Wife Lover's Pizza; 4. Anything sold next to a cash register; 5. Spanish fly; 6. Chocolate-covered oysters; 7. Oysters; 8. Chocolate; 9.British fly

Augmentooming

(Augmentation and Grooming)

If you want to have sex, you’re going to have to put your best foot forward. And if that foot happens to be a freshly shorn scrotum or luscious tripleD boob, that will only help your chances. Fortunately, advances in medical science and the hygienic arts can make you not just doable, but
must-doable.

Breast Augmentation: Increases bust size, provides a reserve of saline for emergency taffy-making.

Collagen Lip Injections: Give the appearance of bee-stung lips, minus the inconvenience of capturing bees.

Vaginal rejuvenation: Uses lasers to give vagina a youthful appearance, 20/20 vision.

Hymenoplasty: Restores hymen to virgin status out of respect for those whose religious or cultural beliefs include needless surgery.

Deodorant: Optional.

Phalloplasty (Penis Enlargement): To increase penile girth, fat from a cadaver is injected under the skin,
resulting in a thicker (though potentially haunted) penis.

Anal Bleaching: Removes stubborn grass and mustard stains, starch 50¢ extra.

Buttock Implants: Perfect for those who want to put some "junk in the trunk" and prefer invasive surgery to eating ice cream.

Sensual Piercings: enhance sexual pleasre; great ice breaker with hot airport security guards.

Pubescaping

Letting your short and curlies grow wild may have been acceptable back in the sixties, when you needed a place to hide your weed and communist propaganda. But the modern lover is expected to trim his or her bush like the eighteenth green at St. Andrews. Typically, men shave their pubic hair to make their penises look BIGGER, while women style their muffs to make their vaginas appear
smaller.

The Titanic

Giant redwood

A smaller penis

Snow flake

An ant

Lithium atom

FUCKTOID

According to legend, Dutch settlers bought Fire Island from the Indians for a
handful of anal beads.

PICKUP LINES

for Every Conceivable Situation

IF YOU JUST PERFORMED THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER ON SOMEONE

If I were that chicken bone, I wouldn’t have wanted to come out, either.

BIRTHDAY PARTY

Are you a birthday candle? Because I’d like to blow you until I get my wish.

MAGIC SHOW, OR IN A PARK WHERE MAGICIANS SOMETIMES PERFORM

Are you a magician? Because I think you might make my penis disappear into your vagina/anus!

CONSTRUCTION SITE

Are you the building inspector? Because I’d like you to assess the durability of my erection.

IF YOU JUST DELIVERED A BABY IN THE BACKSEAT OF A CAB

Say you’ll get dinner with me or I’ll put it back.

IF YOU JUST PERFORMED CPR ON SOMEONE

I just saved your life. Will you save me a dance?

GROCERY STORE, BAKED GOODS AISLE

Can I squeeze your buns? Because I’d like to determine whether or not I want to put my meat inside them.

IN LINE AT THE DMV

I think my heart has Stockholm syndrome because you captured it and it doesn’t want to
come
home.

INTEROFFICE ROMANCE, CHANCE MEETING IN STATIONERY CLOSET

Are you a pink eraser? Because I’d like to make a mistake and rub you all over.

AT A DIFFERENT MAGIC SHOW

Are you related to Criss Angel? Because you look like an Angel.

INTEROFFICE ROMANCE, PRINTING HOUSE

Are you a typesetter? Because I’d like
to
examine your colon before your next period.

IF YOU’RE PRINCE WILLIAM

I’m Prince William.

ALL OTHER SITUATIONS

You better call 911 because my fantasy just mugged my wildest dreams. Also, I’m staring at a suspicious love package left by a sex terrorist!

Various Methods of Contraception, Demonstrated on a Banana

CONDOMS