Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (7 page)

CURRENT

CENSORED

by order of the Texas Board of Education—refer to “Biblical”

The Day the Earth Didn’t Stand Still:

Discovery of the Female Orgasm

Unlike its male equivalent, the female orgasm is a complicated and unwieldy process involving candles, smooth jazz, rose petals, terrycloth robes, and just the right amount of peppermint schnapps. Scholars initially believed that Cleopatra-with her throngs of male attendants and loose-fitting garments—was the first woman to achieve orgasm. This was disproved, however, when analysis of a hieroglyph depicting the event concluded she had only sneezed.

Ra bless you.

Scientists now believe the first female orgasm was experienced in 1897 by Flora Stanley, wife of American inventor Freelan O. Stanley. Mr. Stanley is best remembered for his steam-powered automobile, but it is Flora who really got engines started.

We were allowed to publish the following entries from her very private journal.

Dear Diary,

Today Freelan woke me up before dawn because he wanted to “make love.” At least that’s what Freelan calls it. I call it dry well paddling. For a man who helped finesse the pistan, it’s incredible how clumsy his penis is. It would make more sense if he invented the wet noodle. Honestly, the things I have to do to pass the time before it’s over.’ I mostly just try to think about my favorite things, like cranberry sauce, the color blue, and Jesus. Sometimes I'll put them all together and Jesus and I are having a cranberry casserole in a blue castle. Before we get to the cranberry ice cream dessert Freelan is usually rolling off me and skipping off to the lab. He always has a spring in his step afterwards. I envy him. I feel heavy and drippy, and starving for cranberry sauce! Which we never have.

Dear Diary,

Sorry if my handwriting is indecipherable, I'm still shaking. Something very unusual happened to me today. I was dusting in Freelan’s laboratory, like I always do on Tuesdays, and I noticed that he left the prototype for his new steam engine on. It was steaming away, piping warm air through this long cylindrical valve on the top. I went over to see if I could turn it off, but I don’t think Freelan finished inventing the OFF switch.

I just ignored it and I climbed on top of the counter because I needed to dust off some test tubes and tongs and such, when I felt some of the steam push its way up my skirt and petticoats. It startled me! I knocked a couple of tubes to the floor. But the steam didn’t care. It just kept pulsing warm moistair up to my secret place. It felt so good, my legs got weak. I swear I didn’t have the strength to keep standing, that’s why I had to sit down on the engine and my secret place just happened to be right up against the opening of the valve. Well, I didn’t want my knickers to get wet, so I pushed them down to my knees and then all of a sudden the hot steam was shooting right up into my Netherlands! And I was paralyzed there. I promise I was suffering some form of a stroke because no matter how hard my brain told my body to move it just wouldn’t! So there I was stuck on this steam engine as ifl had become one of Freelan’s experiments. And here’s the thing, “Diary, please do not tell ANYONE, but I started feeling this sensation that I have never felt before in my life. It's hard to describe, but it was as if Jesus had crawled inside of me with the steam and was polishing me with pleasure prayers. At least that’s what I hope it was! It had to be, it was out of this world! And then the prayers got louder and turned into a chorus, it was like Jesus was performing an earth shaking sing-along, and my secret place was singing right back at him! And then I started to sing too, but it was less like singing and more like screaming, and Jesus just exploded inside of me and it was amazing! It felt like pleasure and pain and steam all rolled into one.

Luckily the steam ran out at that point and I was able to overcome my mild stroke and get off the engine. I picked up the test tube pieces and tried to act normal when Freelan came home for dinner. But I could barely contain my excitement at the fact that I had Jesus in my heart and my secret place!

Dear Diary,

Sorry again for the horrifying penmanship. I'm writing this to you in complete darkness. I am here at the Francis Dildo Sanitarium. I was sent here after Freelan caught me sitting on his steam engine again. I have gotten a bit reckless with how often I need to dust Freelan’s lab, and my uniting with the steam engine seems to keep happening. When Freelan caught me saddling his engine and shaking with joy I tried to tell him Jesus was inside of me. But I suppose Freelan got a bit jealous of Jesus, which is understandable. Anyways, he checked me into the expensive Francis Dildo Sanitarium, and it’s lights-out so I could be scribbling on the sheets for all I know, it’s pitch-black!

But it’s important that I get this down. I discovered that someone else checked into the Francis Dildo Sanitarium with me: Jesus! And thank goodness. To keep the residents’ minds occupied we have afternoon projects every day. Mine has been candle making. I have been really trying to excel at my project, to demanstrate that I am well enough to return to my Freelan. But one afternoon I was dipping my candle and my mind started to wander, and when I looked down I had over-dipped the candle and it was thicker than usual. I didn’t want them to see that I had made a mistake so I decided to hide the candle somewhere. The only place that I knew would be secret was my secret place. I slid it up there, and lo and behold Jesus was back! I slid it out and back again just to make sure, and couldn’t help but let out a thankful amen. I have been so lonely here. But before I had a chance to really enjoy my time with Jesus, I looked up and saw Dr. Francis Dildo standing right there, watching me. He confiscated my candle and assigned me to pillow stuffing.

Francis Dildo patented the thick waxy candle and named it after himself. He made millions of dollars and never gave Flora any credit, or even a discount on her sanitarium bill. But as the old saying goes: it takes a Dildo to know a dildo.

FUCKTOID

Historians believe the heart symbol
associated with love was inspired by the seed of the Silphium plant. Though now extinct, Silphium was used in ancient times as a form of birth control, along with clubs
, spades
, and holding out for a diamond
.

An
ancient coin
glorifying birth control, used to this day as secret currency among liberals

Cock ‘n’ Hole Hall of Fame

The closest most people will come to achieving a sexual legacy is producing a child, which, unfortunately, isn’t all that impressive. But throughout history, a bulging handful of great lovers proved so skilled in the art of fleshly delights they became legend.