Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (9 page)

ANNE BOLEYN (CONT’D)

I can’t believe I said that! I’m a monster!

King Henry leans forward and lays a bejeweled hand on her fragile shoulder.

KING HENRY

My lady, it is that very button that I intend to push, and push, and push …

And with that he plants a long kiss on Anne’s open wet mouth. Both pull back and gasp for air.

KING HENRY (CONT’D)

Did I bite your tongue?

ANNE BOLEYN

No, your Grace.

KING HENRY

I tasted blood.

ANNE BOLEYN

I did just eat a freshly killed calf.

Anne pulls out a piece of bloody beef from her cheek.

ANNE BOLEYN (CONT’D)

I believe this belongs to you.

King Henry takes it.

KING HENRY

Thank you.

King Henry chews it slowly as Anne watches. A long GROWL escapes Sir Richard’s stomach.

ANNE BOLEYN

What was that?

SIR RICHARD (WHISPERING)

Oh Holy Ghost!

KING HENRY

Could be an owl getting drunk in the moonlight, maybe an angel defecating on a cloud, or perhaps my lust for you becoming audible.

ANNE BOLEYN

Well, if it is the third, then it is the noise that I have been waiting to hear since I pushed through my mother’s thighs.

KING HENRY

Then come be serenaded by your destiny. Rawwwer!

Anne giggles with delight and falls into King Henry’s open arms. Sir Richard is dripping with sweat but can still shakily write this. King Henry proceeds to rip Anne’s clothes to shreds growling like an animal while she screeches like a banshee who loves animals.

KING HENRY

Now show me that BUTTON!

Anne takes her cue and removes her corset. She is standing completely in the nude. Her tits are pointed like witches’ hats in the damp chill of the chamber. She has a soft plump tummy like creamy vanilla pudding, and below that, betwixt her full thighs is a dense forest of hair. It is tangled in parts, and hangs to mid-thigh, gorgeous and glistening.

KING HENRY (CONT’D)

Oh sweet heaven!

King Henry runs to Anne and pushes his face into her thatch of pubic hair. He immediately reels back.

KING HENRY (CONT’D)

Oh God!

ANNE BOLEYN

What is it, my King?

KING HENRY

I’m not sure. I went to taste the honeys of your sweet nest, but was overcome by the sulfur like smell of Satan! I’m afraid! Perhaps Satan is in the room with us, chaperoning this sinful tryst!

ANNE BOLEYN

I’m afraid too! Let me smell it.

Anne bends down and takes in her scent.

ANNE BOLEYN (CONT’D)

I don’t smell anything unusual, that is just me. Here, let me help you get closer to my button.

Anne pulls back handfuls of hair. As she does a fly or two escapes from the knots. Soon she is revealing a sweet pink button covered in a layer of protective dirt and oil.

KING HENRY (HOLDING HIS NOSE)

It’s beautiful.

ANNE BOLEYN

It is my gift to you, my lord. Just don’t tell anyone we did it before we were married.

KING HENRY

It will not be recorded.

Sir Richard silently snickers from the wardrobe while enduring a swelling in his lap from the sight of Anne’s pink button. It is quite beautiful, unlike the buttons that Sir Richard has experienced in his past, which all seemed to be inflamed and dripping down like a turkey gobble.

ANNE BOLEYN

Then come have the feast that is my body!

King Henry takes a deep breath and goes in for a taste of the button.

KING HENRY

It is tangy! But I am going to make myself love it!

Anne moans with pleasure as she falls back onto the bed. King Henry sucks until he can no longer breathe and comes up for hungry gulps of fresh air. Anne writhes a bit and then grabs his codpiece and pulls it to her mouth.

ANNE BOLEYN

Now I’m hungry for you.

KING HENRY

Well, you shall have what you crave.

He carefully pulls on the codpiece but is unable to remove it. In a moment of panic and frustration he calls out to his servants.

KING HENRY (CONT’D)

Servants! Remove garments for copulation and sleeping!

From the shadows THREE SERVANTS emerge and quickly remove all of King Henry’s garments. Anne modestly throws a bearskin over her flesh and waits patiently.

KING HENRY (CONT’D)

Enough! You can leave. Wait. Anne, do you want anything?

ANNE BOLEYN

I’d love a calf burger.

KING HENRY

Get that for her! But most important, leave now!

The servants leave and King Henry lies down next to Anne, as naked as she. His body is large, circular on top with two tiny legs sticking out like a caramel apple. He is shiny like one as well. He pulls on his sausage manhood.

KING HENRY (CONT’D)

Care for a taste?

ANNE BOLEYN

Would I ever! I’m starving!

Anne eagerly crawls on all fours down to the crown jewels. She carefully lowers her head and her tongue to the prize. Her head snaps up.

ANNE BOLEYN (CONT’D)

Oh!

KING HENRY

What is it?

ANNE BOLEYN

I smell it too! The sulfur like smell of Satan that was with us before. Only this time he must have brought his dinner with him. A rotting sauerkraut dinner, one that has been soaking in the feces-and corpse-riddled moat. I’ve never inhaled anything like it. One deep breath and I think I am in Hell’s pantry.

KING HENRY (CALLING OUT TO THE ROOM)

Damn you, Satan! How dare you come here chomping on your foul dinner, ruining our union! We are meant to be together, by God! We will fornicate in your face, Satan! IN YOUR EVIL FACE!

ANNE BOLEYN

That’s right, Satan! Chew with your mouth closed!

KING HENRY

Come here, Anne!

Anne crawls up to King Henry and lowers herself onto his noble shaft.

KING HENRY (CONT’D)

Stop! Stop! What are you doing?

ANNE BOLEYN

I’m becoming one with you, my lord.

KING HENRY

Not like that! No one mounts the King! I’m on top, always!

ANNE BOLEYN

My apologies, your Grace. It is I who should be rode.

KING HENRY

That’s the spirit, you gorgeous mare!

King Henry flips Anne onto her back and jabs her middle area with his fleshy sword.

KING HENRY (CONT’D)

I can’t find the special hole! Servants!

The servants rush back into the room. Two of them pull back Anne’s thick pelvic hair while the other knowingly guides the King’s sword into its sacred sheath.

KING HENRY (CONT’D)

There we go.

As they exit one of the servants carefully places a calf burger near Anne’s mouth. The King, now in place, lowers his body onto Anne’s to commence his thrusting.

ANNE BOLEYN (GASPING AND CHEWING CALF BURGER)

Oh, my lord!

KING HENRY

I know. It is everything that I had thought it would be as well (grunt). All those secret smiles (grunt), all the casual fondling (grunt), the time I had to talk to the pope with an erection because I was thinking of you (grunt, grunt).

ANNE BOLEYN

My lord, I ‘m afraid you are crushing my lungs with your divine grace!

KING HENRY

No worries, I am done. My seed has been spilt inside you. Something about the pope’s face made my seed spill.

King Henry climbs off Anne as she takes her first breath of air since the fornication.

KING HENRY (CONT’D)

Servants! Fetch my lover an outfit from my soon-to-be ex-wife’s wardrobe!

Servants ‘footsteps are heard coming toward the wardrobe that Sir Richard now realizes is the Queen’s. His erection retracts inside him like a turtle as he realizes that he will soon be drawn and quartered. In a last-ditch effort to save him self he hides his manuscript inside the pocket of a cloak and pretends to sleep...

CHAPTER 3

Cupid’s Toolbox

Tools of the Trade When Trading Bodily Fluids

The talent that makes humans better at carpentry than the rest of the animal kingdom is also what makes us better lovers: our ability to use
tools.
Without them, man is helpless, armed only with his fingernails and his wits. But with them, he can perform all manner of orgasmic wonders, from scratching a nagging sexual itch just out of reach to building an entire city of love shacks.

If you learn one thing from this chapter, it should be that there’s
no shame
in using
marital aids.
^*
Latex vaginas, butt plugs, penis pumps, and coconut-flavored lubes that get warm and tingly when you blow on them are the bedside friends that let humans live up to their full sexual potential. In fact, when it comes to sex toys, the only shame is
not
using them. Because when you say no to pocket rockets, blow-up dolls, chinstrap dildos, and custom-made Swedish sex furniture, not only are you missing out on a good time, you’re ignoring three thousand years of erotic trial and error, carried out by brave men and women who put their genitals on the line so
you
could have more fun in the sack. A lot of hard work went into sex toys, so don’t turn your back on them. Or better yet...
do.

Perhaps the greatest sex toy of all is Knowledge, the sex toy of the mind. For that reason, this chapter also includes proven pickup lines, sexy mood setters, and personal grooming tips GUARANTEED to get you into a situation where sex could conceivably happen. To put it bluntly (the preferred method when it comes to sex toys), this chapter has everything you need to turn you into a boner-fide SEX MACHINE.

(Except batteries.)