Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (12 page)

A VHS slot on Teddy's back lets this animatronic accessory lip-sync to the satisfied groans of your favorite porno.

Can’t make it to the dildo store?

Some household objects can double as sex objects. But be careful!

Bowling Pin

Lightbulb

Cell phone on vibrate

House of cards

Hot buttered corn on the cob

Child's drawing

Cucumber of the year award

Cactus

The Sexiest Song Ever Written

Whether bringing a date back to your apartment or simply to the backseat of your car, the right music can turn awkward silence into a lip-and-tongue symphony. For this reason, seduction experts have spent countless hours trying to compile the ultimate make-out mix. This is a complete waste of time.

The truth is you need only one song for seduction. Written in 1974, “Gimme All Your’” was banned after its first broadcast resulted in thousands of embarrassing, involuntary orgasms and three forklift crashes. This is the first time it has been reproduced, with the sexiest notes and lyrics redacted for safety.

A Note from the Authors

When we agreed to write this book, we had only one condition—we wouldn’t discuss any specifics of our own sex lives. This is for three reasons:

First, we don’t know you.

Second, we have parents who happen to be alive
and
literate. So just the fact that we’re writing a sex book is enough to make Christmas awkward.

Third and most important, we have the best sex of anybody in the world. If the government learns of our superhuman lovemaking abilities, they will most certainly bring us in for testing. And we only want to use our sensual powers for good.

Nonetheless, we had a personal anecdote that fit so perfectly with the theme of this chapter that we decided to lift our veil of modesty, if only for a few pages. So unless you happen to be our parents, please enjoy this peek into an actual event that happened to us last summer. And if the government does harness the energy from our lovemaking to power a death ray, well, we hope it was worth it.

The Cock Ring of Quetzalcoatl

We were nine days deep into an archaeological dig where we were working as professional bone-dusters. As each precious fossil rose up from the earth’s tomb it had to be rubbed down impeccably from top to bottom. No one was better at doing this than us.

In Mexico City a secret chamber had been discovered under the ancient Templo Mayor. The purpose of the room, located in the southeast corner of the temple, was a mystery. Among piles of human bones were two partially intact skeletons frozen in the missionary position. It was these skeletons that we were cleaning. Each bone of the eternally horny pair had to be wiped down. It was intricate work, and by the end of the day our aching bodies were willing to trade places with them if it meant we could get a margarita.

Just as Kristen was about to clock out Rich pulled her aside.

“I found something.” Rich had a mischievous twinkle in his eye, and Kristen looked down to see him holding what appeared to be an ancient cock ring. “I found it under the two skeletons. It must have fallen off the male when his erection finally gave way to black putrefaction.”

Kristen, who has a weakness for antique cock rings, glanced at the other archaeologists in the tomb. “Well, we can’t legally remove it from the site.”

“No, we can’t. But we can work overtime tonight.”

And with that we waited for the last archaeologist to leave, telling each departing colleague we were going to bone-dust for another hour or two and then we’d join everyone for tequila shots at Pato Afortunado. Soon we were the only two on the site.

We’d made intimate love in public before, but never in front of skeletons. We were ready to give those empty eye sockets a show their brainless skulls would never forget nor remember. Kissing and sucking ensued in superb and perfect ways, and before long we were ready for the big event. Kristen held up the Aztec cock ring. “It’s beautiful.”

The piece was made out of smooth marble and featured a meticulous carving of an Aztec couple using the cock ring. Rich pursed his full, pouty lips and blew a stubborn cobweb from the artifact. “It looks like there’s a message written in Nahuatl. Let me get my translation book.”