Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (3 page)
Read Sexy Book of Sexy Sex Online
Authors: Kristen Schaal
Reverse Clamgirl
Animal Courtship:
Booty Call of the Wild
Imagine trying to find your ideal companion in the untamed wilderness, or in the depths of the deepest ocean. Hundreds of miles may stand between you and your soul mate, or maybe you scuttle past each other every day and never realize it, two desperate, anonymous souls in a colony of millions. How would you find each other?
You probably wouldn’t.
Fortunately, most animals are just looking for something to boink, not to love. But simply being noticed is no easy task in the sweaty, twenty-four-hour discothèque we call Nature. For that reason, some sexy species have raised their game, performing unique courtship rituals that make it virtually impossible to ignore their junk.
Great Pickup Artists of the Animal Kingdom
COURTSHIP BEHAVIOR Look at me! Look at me! Part of me lights up! Isn't that incredible? Oh shit. I just realized there are a thousand other douche bags here doing the exact same thing. | |
SPECIES
| HUMAN EQUIVALENT
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COURTSHIP BEHAVIOR Males have 400 distinct calls to attract a mate. | |
SPECIES
| HUMAN EQUIVALENT
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COURTSHIP BEHAVIOR Exhaust themselves swimming hundreds of miles in hopes of a single pity fuck | |
SPECIES
| HUMAN EQUIVALENT
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COURTSHIP BEHAVIOR Dominant males have "harems" of 30 to 100 cows. To increase chances of mating, females are not allowed to drive. | |
SPECIES
| HUMAN EQUIVALENT
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COURTSHIP BEHAVIOR Squid couples begin having sex at sunrise and continue all day, only stopping at twilight to eat and rest. | |
SPECIES
| HUMAN EQUIVALENT
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COURTSHIP BEHAVIOR Spend 9 or 10 months each year constructing a bower, a shelter they meticulously decorate with seashells, berries leaves, and flowers in order to trick potential mates into thinking they are creative and nurturing. | |
SPECIES
| HUMAN EQUIVALENT
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