Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (31 page)

Pornography

You’ve jiggled your breasts for Japanese business-men, you’ve had more sailors inside you than a
Nimitz-class
aircraft carrier, but despite all your efforts, you still don’t feel like you’re getting enough attention. If this is you, then you have what it takes to be a star! No, not a real star. A
porn star.

Yet another
hot, delicious pizza
that will probably get eaten by the crew.

As celebrities of the sex industry, porn stars enjoy the skin-crawling satisfaction that comes with knowing thousands of people have stared at you while masturbating (and a few of them may have actually paid for it!). Yet for all the exposure, there are quite a few downsides to being a smutsperson: the constant anal bleaching, the lurking possibility of contracting an STD, and perhaps worst of all, never getting to eat any of the freshly delivered pizza that so often introduces “extra sausage” into the plot.

On the bright side, adult film performers get to pick a fun porn name. In recent years, most aspiring stars have done this using the Zmenckamynkcis formula. Developed in 1980 by porn producer and mathematician Bob Zmenckamynkcis, the formula provided a group of people not known for their career savvy with an easy recipe for concocting a memorable nora de splooge:
f
_p
+
ST
=
P
_n

(name of first pet)
⁺
(street you grew up on) = (your porn name) For erotic performers the world over, Zmenckamynkcis’s formula proved a veritable Ellis Island (somewhere Zmenckamynkcis’s ancestors had obviously bypassed). Overnight, fresh young talent like Mittens Morningside, Nibbles Elm, Shadow Pudding, and even Ron Jeremy became household names, all thanks to Zmenckamynkcis’s earth-shakingdiscovery.

The dog and street that launched a thousand money shots.

Yet for all its triumphs, the Zmenckamynkcis formula is not perfect. Like Einstein’s theory of relativity, the pet/street paradigm has been shown to break down under extreme conditions, at which point it can produce some of the least sexy porn names ever conceived. Names like: • Rascal Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard
• Rags West 34th

• Buster Service Ramp

It is for this reason that we picked up where Zmenckamynkcis left off. After five years of exhaustive research and field testing, we are happy to announce an even better method:
The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex’s

IMPROVED PORN NAME FORMULA

FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE
+
BIGGEST INSECURITY
=
YOUR IMPROVED PORN NAME

Examples:

Chardonnay Mathematics
Mudslide Commitment
Gimlet Stutter
Margarita Halitosis
Julep Incontinence
Fuzzy Navel Eczema
Singlemalt Bald Head
Curacao Bigvagina Hopefully, you’ll never have to use this ground-breaking erotic discovery that will determine the names behind beaded curtains in video stores for the next thousand years. But should you decide to break into show-it-all business, at least the guy holding the boom mic will know what to call you when he tells you there isn’t any pizza left.

MY IMPROVED PORN NAME IS:

Though sex has inspired great art, it’s also been known to inspire terrible art. One of the most infamous examples is
The Taint-o-logues,
directed by Liz Rosenthal. It premiered in 2002 at the Maybe This Time Theatre House on Ninth Street in Park Slope, Brooklyn. There are twenty-six monologues from that production. Here are the best three.