Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me) (16 page)

             
“Why don’t you all just leave Cameron alone?” Matt interrupted whatever remark Shane had been prepared to make. “She knows what’s best for her. Who’s to say the rest of you wouldn’t do the same thing given the circumstances so stop acting so shocked. Anyway here comes Frank and Patrick so shut up with the questions okay? I don’t want them to see any problems here. We’re supposed to be a team, remember. We support each other no matter what they decide to do. Even if one of the wants to leave the team.”

             
From just outside the door two sets of footsteps stopped and I could almost picture them looking to each other, trying to decide who was going to be the first to knock. Together then remaining Agency team smiled as Gina counted silently. One...two...three. Then one of them was knocking...hard.

             
The two guys that Matt had handpicked for the team were not a disappointment. They were going to live up to their impressive resumes each of us had been handed at the start of the meeting. They looked like they’d come straight out of military combat. Both were well-built, muscular guys who could handle themselves under just about any circumstances.

             
The question was could they handle the mental challenge of The Organization.

             
They were clearly eager to impress and anxious to get started. Everything that I had been in the beginning. I remembered having that same attitude in the beginning. That had been three long years ago. All wide eyed and ready for action in spite of the fact that by the time I’d joined I’d already had three kills to my credit.

Look at me now
. Living proof that the job could eat you alive if you allowed it to.

             
I sat silent while each of the remaining members of The Organization grilled the guys and I couldn’t help but smile. At the end of the questions, the two were asked to leave with Matt telling them that he would be in touch soon. IT was time for the team could evaluate their answers.

             
“Okay, well you’ve all had a chance to talk to the guys but quite frankly I don’t see that we really have a choice here. I’d originally planned on us selecting only one tonight but since Cameron is leaving and I believe both men are, equally as qualified I don’t really see any reason to look for further candidates. I say let’s get busy training these two.”

             
“Hold on a second, Matt. You can’t just go letting people into this type of select circle without doing a thorough background check. Who knows what’s lurking in their past.” Shane looked at me as he said that and I felt my uneasiness return. What did Shane know?

             
“If you ask me, Cameron’s got the right idea. Let’s just all get out of the business while we can. I mean we’ve been at this for how many years now? Some of us more than others but what have we really accomplished? How many bad guys have we taken out of commission? Maybe it’s time to rethink this whole Agency thing. Right now being just your normal Joe Blow off the streets doesn’t sound so bad.”

             
“Shane, just shut up. You were just telling Cameron how much she would miss the group and now you’re talking about getting out?” Gina began only to have Matt cut in.

             
“No, if Shane or anyone else wants out, now is the time to say so. While we’re still looking for recruits. I can always add a few more names to the list.”

             
I think it hit Shane then that he was on shaky ground. Like it or not, and he clearly didn’t, he wasn’t able to maneuver Matt the way that he believed he had Noah. Noah had deliberately stroked Shane’s ego, giving him, special tasks that made him feel important. Those days were over. Shane would have to conform or find his own way out.

             
“Look I’m only saying that we haven’t really made a whole lot of progress over the years. I mean think about it. We’ve taken, what less than a hundred of these people off the streets in all the years that we’ve being doing this combined? Not exactly a stellar track record now is it?”

             
“Matt, I think the two guys you’ve selected will be fine. If you need me, I’ll be around for a little while and then I’m gone. Look, I have to run now people. I don’t think I have anything else to add and this is really your decision to make. Let me know what you decide. And if you need anything else from me Matt you know how to reach me, otherwise I guess this is it. I wish all the best.”

             
I left before anyone could say a word to me because once you make up your mind to start a new life you want to start that life right then. You don’t want to wait another minute. That was exactly how I felt that night. I was so ready to put the past behind me and forget about D.C. and terrorist altogether that I didn’t want anything to stand in my way.

             
I hurried back to my apartment suddenly unaware of that warning tingle at the base of my spine that I’d always listened to in the past that might have alerted me to something bad was nearby. It was as if having gotten out of the business I’d lost my ability to sense any evil in the world.

             
There was nothing but the noise of a city surrounding me now, and the promise of being just another average Jane.

             
I breezed through my days tossing out things I wasn’t prepared to hold onto any longer and packing my few belongings that I would be taking with me all of which would fit nicely into my SUV.

             
I never once considered Davis or my strange attraction to him again. My brother was the hardest part of that dark world to put aside. I kept feeling as if I were deserting him by not finding the answers to all those questions I still had.

             
I was closing that chapter as well. I tossed out all the information that the private investigator had gathered for my parents. My brother had found me. I knew what had happened to him even if I didn’t understand how he had allowed it. He’d told me to get out and never look back. That was what I was determined to do.

             
Or so I thought until I received the call a few days before I was scheduled to leave D.C. for good.

             
At first, the silence on the other end made me think that it was just some crank call. After all, my warning tingle that had never steered me wrong had disappeared. I wasn’t the unexpected.

             
The second I heard his voice. The voice that only just resembled my brother’s I knew that part of my past would always be with me.

             
Judah begin speaking in that old melodic Aramaic language and I found myself actually crying for the first time since I’d heard the news of Noah’s death.

             
“I want you to know that it’s over and you’re safe. Don’t be afraid anymore.”

             
“Thank you.” I answered when I could speak somehow understanding that Judah believed our call was being traced.

             
“I’ll find you. I won’t let this be the end of us.” Another silence that lasted so long that I wondered if he had simply walked away and then he added. “I’m sorry for your loss. I know how much you loved him. I’m so sorry.”

             
While I was trying to find some words to say to Judah to tell him how much I loved him I heard the dial tone start and knew that for the moment it was too late. I prayed that my brother would find me but I knew that I would not reach out to him again.  

             
Matt called me to tell me that all his intelligence reports had simply dried up. There was nothing going on as far as the chatter was indicating and his snitches had no explanation for this.

             
“I guess that’s a good thing,” he added but I could almost hear his disappointment. Matt was ready for something big to break to make his career.

             
He talked in depth about the new recruits. Matt seemed pleased with his choices there. He didn’t really feel it necessary to have anyone hold their hand during the first assignment. We said goodbye promising to keep in touch but we both knew that wasn’t going to be the case. I was finished with that part of my life.

             
Out of some hopeful stubborn part of me, I did something that I didn’t fully understand myself. I mean was I really so desperate that I not only wasn’t accepting that my husband didn’t want to see me again but quite I was refusing to believe that he was dead.

             
I erased the email a half dozen times before finally sending it on blind faith.

             
In the years that we’d been lovers, Noah knew me better than anyone else. We’d developed certain ‘hot words’ between us to let the other know if something were wrong. We’d discussed in detail where we would go if one of us had to escape and couldn’t get word to the other.

             
Noah was the only other person that I knew who would know my new name. He made me tell him every single detail of my past even though he hadn’t done the same for me. I knew if there was even the most remote chance that Noah was still alive then I had to reach out to him.

             
He knew all about the vacation my parents and I spent in Eagle’s Bluff. Noah would know exactly where I’d go.

             
I kept my note short and vague although I knew Noah would understand that I was feeling him out.

             
I simply told him that the weather was wonderful this time of year up where the birds hung out. I hoped he’d find the time to come visit them sometime. Then I signed it with love, your grandmother.

             
I couldn’t let myself think about the consequences of that little note at the moment. I didn’t want to believe that he was really gone because if that were so then I’d spent the last few months of our life together throwing away my final chance at happiness.

             
With my SUV loaded and a full tank of gas, I didn’t bother looking back. I headed out of town in my well mapped out, off any direct path, hoping to throw off any would be followers.

             
Not that I believed anyone would be following me anymore. I mean I was no longer a threat to anymore, but it was after all one of The Organization’s policies that Noah had grilled me on over and over again. You can never be too cautious. I was finding it hard to let go of everything after all.

             
Ahead of me, I had a good two days of hard driving but I was determined to do it without sleep.

             
I headed out in the early morning and made good time until late the following night when exhaustion took over and I was forced to stop for coffee.

             
I’d reached the edge of Colorado by then, when I found a small town that wasn’t even on any map.

             
There I found only a single diner open at that time of the night. I pulled into the vacant parking lot while praying that it wasn’t about to close.

             
As I stepped inside the jingling bell above the door startled, me and I found myself involuntarily reaching for the weapon I still carried.

             
The place was practically empty but the sign on the door told me that it was an all-night diner. I ordered a sandwich and coffee from the waitress. A thinly built woman who looked like she could have stepped out of a sitcom somewhere. Her hair was piled high on her head and dyed jet black. She wore heavy makeup that I suspected was a deliberate attempt to cover her age, which my trained eye pegged to be somewhere mid-sixties at the very least.

             
“You from the south, honey?” she asked and I found myself suspicious of her motives right away.

             
“Yes...why?”

             
I heard her laugh and realized that my years in the trenches had made me slightly jaded.

             
“Well now, no reason in particular, honey. I’m just making conversation. It gets kind of lonely round these parts this time of night. Have to make the time pass any way you can. We don’t really get that many folks around these parts Virginia or otherwise. We’re not exactly on the usual tourist path, as you know. You’re not lost are you?”
              “Oh...no. No, I’m not lost. I just decided to take the scenic route this time. You know see some of the countryside.”

             
“Kind of hard to do in the middle of the night isn’t it? We’re you heading to anyway?”

             
Again I knew that I didn’t really have anything to fear from this poor woman but I wasn’t quite ready to her my total trust either.

             
“Oh just up to Denver and then on to Utah. How long you lived here...” I searched her nametag and saw that she was Gladys.

             
“How long have you lived round here, Gladys?”

             
“Too long, honey--all my life. Never moved away. Well, not for any length of time anyway. I left home once--when I was young kid but came back home after only a week. I was so sure this place here couldn’t exist without me and that my life wouldn’t amount to anything anywhere else. You know what? That was the biggest mistake of my life. Because I was wrong.”