Shatter Me (The Jaded Series, #1) (19 page)

A strangled sob escapes my throat and I start crying hysterically. I sit up abruptly and bury my head in my hands. I know it was selfish of me to lose it like this. Jaxon was the one that was in pain and needed comforting. I can’t help it though. The thought of willingly killing a child is too much for me.

Jaxon sits up beside me and tries reaching for my arms to bring them down. I knock his hand away.

“No!
No!
” I screech. “How could that bitch do that? How could she kill an innocent child like that? Doesn’t she understand that babies are precious and should be protected at all costs? How can anyone do that?
Why
would anyone do that?
Why?
”

Again, Jaxon reaches for me and I try pushing him away. He won’t allow it though. His thighs go to either side of mine and he pulls me back against his front, rocking me and rubbing my back. Selfish or not, I clutch onto Jaxon and sob into his shirt.

“Shhh, Angel, shhh. I don’t know why some people do what they do. Some are just too self-centered to think about what their actions do to others. Yes, it still hurts to think about the child I almost had, but I’ve come to terms with it.”

“I’m s-so s-sorry Jax. I-I’m sorry for the baby you lost. I’m s-sorry for what that bitch did to you. And I’m sorry for f-falling apart on you again. I’m the one that should be consoling you right now, not the other way around.” I’m still crying, but I squeeze my eyes shut trying to control my emotions.

“Hey.” He says and tips my head back with his finger. I look up into his eyes and see such deep sadness that I almost lose it again. “It’s okay. I’m just sorry that I upset you so much. You deal with so much already; I don’t want to add more.”

The pads of his fingers start wiping the tears that have soaked my face. I will never, in my entire life, understand why someone would leave a man like Jaxon. He has such a big heart.

“Come on. Lie back with me.”

I take in a shaky breath and lay back down. Instead of lying on his back again, Jaxon leans up on his elbow and hovers over me. He gently brushes the hair from my face and continues to wipe the wet away. He then guides a finger down the bridge of my nose. Next, he moves on to my mouth, tenderly running the pad across my lips.

The look in his eyes while he watches intently at the movements of his hand makes me quiver. There’s so much heat in his gaze. It makes me nervous, but not in a frightening way. No, it’s the good kind of nervous. The nervous you get when you know something good is going to happen.

Jaxon slowly moves his finger from my lips and starts trailing it down my neck. When he reaches the base he stops his downward motion and goes across my collarbone. At this point, I let out a low moan at the tingles he’s causing to rush through me. I’m surprised at how my body is reacting to his touch.

Jaxon lifts his eyes to mine at my sharp inhalation. He keeps them there as he moves his finger to the top edge of my bright yellow low-cut shirt and runs them along the top of my breast, watching and waiting to see my reaction.

One day, while out with Anna on one of her shopping exertions she talked me into to buying the low cut shirt. Normally I wouldn’t be caught dead in one, preferring regular t-shirts that rest at the base of my neck. Now though, even though it is almost past the point of my comfort zone, I’m glad I bought it.

Jaxon’s eyes start to flare and change to the beautiful color of steel blue. His breathing has become uneven and I can tell that he is just as affected as I am. He can see that I am enjoying his exploration and he really likes that I like it.

“You’re so beautiful, Angel.” He whispers to me. The sincerity in his eyes makes me want to believe his words. Butterflies start to flutter in my stomach.

Jaxon slowly lowers his head and runs his nose across mine before settling his lips on my own. The kiss is soft and sweet, with him playfully nipping and then licking at my lips. When I moan into his mouth, it spurs Jaxon on and the tempo of the kiss picks up. He thrusts his tongue in my mouth and tangles it with my own.

I place my hands on his shoulders and move them toward his neck. Once there, I thread my fingers through his thick hair. I love the feeling of his soft, but coarse hair running through my fingers. I slightly grip it and tug gently.

Jaxon has moved his hand from the tops of my breasts. He guides it down my arm and rests it on my waist. After a minute, it continues its track down my body and crosses over my hip. It doesn’t stop until he reaches the back side of my knee.

I feel Jaxon tugging on my leg to lift it at the same time he slides one of his in between mine. He pulls my leg up so it rests on his hip.

When I feel him run his hand up the back of my leg and settle on my butt and lightly give pressure so I feel his erection, an unsettling feeling starts to creep in. I do my best to ignore it. This feels incredibly good and I don’t want to ruin it. I almost feel normal.

Jaxon releases my lips and kisses the corner of my mouth, my nose, my eyes, my chin, and finally makes his way down my neck. I turn my head to the side to give him easier access. Once he reaches my collarbone he nips at it with his teeth and then soothes it with his tongue.

One set of fingers that was running through his hair moves down and dips underneath his t-shirt and encounters the smooth, warm skin of his upper back. Jaxon groans into my neck and tightens his hold that he has on my butt, causing him to grind harder into me.

The uneasiness that I feel gets stronger, but again, I try to push it back. I want this so badly. I may not be able to go all the way, but I want what Jaxon is doing to me. No man has ever made me feel this good and I have a suspicion that no man besides Jaxon ever will.

Jaxon’s hand moves from its place on my butt to my waist. Just the tip of his fingers slip under my shirt and graze the skin there. Just this little bit of skin on skin contact causes my blood to run cold. I stiffen slightly but Jaxon doesn’t seem to notice, so intent in his ministrations to my body.

One of my fears of ever being intimate with a man is exposing my body. I’m riddled with scars that anyone would find repulsive.

I squeeze my eyes shut to try and block out the images of Steven doing horrible things to my body, but they slip through. Steven with the crop. Steven with a small knife. Steven with his cigar. The pictures slip in and hold me captive.

My breathing has become ragged and I start to tremble. Tears slip from my eyes as each torturous imagine filters past. The hand that is still in Jaxon’s hair unconscientiously tightens alerting him that I am no longer in the passion filled moment. He jerks his head up from my neck and I feel his eyes boring into me, even though mine are still tightly shut.

“Fuck! Fuck! Shit! I’m so sorry, Angel.” I flinch at the vehemence in his voice.

“Open your eyes, Bailey. Open your eyes and look at me.” His tone has lightened slightly, but fear has replaced the harshness.

I shake my head at his demand, not wanting to face the disappointment that I know I will see in his eyes. I should have known that it wouldn’t work. Steven has ruined me completely. I’ll never be able to be normal and have any type of physical relationship with a man.

Jaxon rests his forehead against mine. “I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry. I should’ve known you weren’t ready. Please, just look at me so I’ll know you’re okay.”

The pain that I hear in his voice causes me to open my eyes. The torment I see in his eyes causes my heart to stutter. No disappointment to be found, instead all I can see is shame and misery. As I look deep into his eyes I realize that Jaxon would rather cut off his own hands than hurt me. As screwed up as it sounds the realization comforts me. I’ve felt for a while now that Jaxon would never purposely hurt me, but the look in his eyes solidifies that feeling.

“I’m okay now. Sorry for freaking out again. You must think I’m pretty pathetic huh?” I say the last as I glance down at my hands, which have moved from his hair and back and are now resting on his biceps.

“No, Angel, never that. This is my fault. I pushed you too hard and I should have known better. I may not know what has you so frightened and skittish, but I do know whatever it is, it’s big. I shouldn’t have lost control.”

I reach up and run my hand over his scruffy cheek. The hair there isn’t long, only a couple day’s worth of growth. I find that it looks incredibly good on him.

“Thank you, Jaxon, for understanding. Just please know that I may never be ready for something like that.”

Jaxon lifts his head and his brows dip down into a frown. “I don’t believe that. The pain of what you went through is still too fresh. I believe that once you fully trust me and know that deep down into the heart of you I would never hurt you, you’ll be ready. You’re a strong person, Bailey, you just have to realize that.”

His words lighten my heart, although I don’t entirely believe them. I’m not strong. If I was, I would have gotten away from Steven sooner. I would have found the strength and courage to say no to him when he first turned on me. It’s really sweet of Jaxon to think of me as strong, but I know it’s not true. I don’t tell him this.

“Let’s get you back home,” Jaxon says before giving me a short and sweet kiss.

After pulling back and standing up, he holds out his hand for me to grab. He tugs me up beside him and grabs the blanket to refold it. We silently make our way back to his motorcycle. Both of us unsure of what to say. After a few minutes, Jaxon surprises me with what he says next.

“My mom wants to meet you. She asked me to bring you over to her house for our family dinner next Wednesday. Will you come?”

I’m so taken aback by the request that I stumble over a twig. Jaxon immediately grabs my arms to steady me. After I catch my balance Jaxon slips his hand in mine and we continue walking.

I’m not exactly sure how I feel about meeting his mom. On the one hand, I would love to know more about Jaxon and his family. On the other hand, it’ll make it harder to leave. I’ve already grown to care about Jaxon and his two sisters; I don’t need another Walker family member to care about.

I can’t find it in myself to be rude and tell him no. “Umm...yeah sure, I’d love to come to dinner at your mom’s place.”

I bite nervously at my lip. I wonder what she’ll think of me. Will she be able to look at me and tell that there is something off about me?
God, I really hope this is not a mistake!

“Hey, it’s going to be okay. She’s going to love you. You actually remind me of her a little. She didn’t have a very good life with my dad. Cara wasn’t the only woman my dad cheated on my mom with. She has such a soft heart but is a force to be reckoned with when as well. She never let it show that she was heartbroken by the betrayal, but we all knew. She was always our rock and was there every time we needed her.”

I smile at the description he gave about his mother, wishing my own mother could be half as incredible. “She sounds like a pretty special woman.”

“She is. And so are you. So much more special than you realize. I know that she’ll see in you what I see in you.”

“Thank you, Jaxon. I can’t wait to meet her.”

Once we reach the motorcycle Jaxon releases my hand and straps the helmet back on my head. After I am firmly plastered to his back once again, he brings his bike to life and we start our trek back to town.

––––––––

“I
want you to go to him and pull out his cock and suck it,” Steven whispers in my ear from behind me while I’m tossing a salad together to go with our dinner.

I give a violent jerk at his words and whip my head around to look at him, expecting to see laughter in his eyes as he makes the joke. What I see when I do face him is not laughter but hard determination. There’s also darkness in his eyes that I’ve never seen before, and that’s what makes me realize he is completely serious.

“What? No! Have you lost your mind? I can’t do that!” I respond in a shouted whisper to his ludicrous request.

Steven stalks towards me and the look he’s giving me sends chills down my body. Once he reaches me he grips my hair and pulls my head back with a jerk.

“You’ll do what I say and you’ll do it now.” He growls in my face.

At first I am completely stunned at the anger I see in his eyes. I start to struggle against him, but he’s too strong for me. I don’t know what’s gotten into him but he can’t be serious.

“Steven, please, you’re hurting me. Why are you acting like this?” I start pleading with him. Tears are appearing in my eyes, from both the pain of him pulling my hair and the way he’s acting.

A creepy smile slides across his lips and my fear spikes. Steven reaches out his other hand and smacks me across the face. The force of the slap causes me to stumble back and I hit my hip on the corner of the counter. The relief of him no longer pulling my hair is short lived because the pain in my hip is brutal.

I feel warm liquid seeping out the corner of my mouth and I know the slap has busted my lip. I glance over to where Steven’s friend is seated on our couch, expecting him to come to my rescue. What I see causes my stomach to turn. He’s just sitting there watching the scene unfold while he slowly strokes himself through his pants. The sight disgusts me and I pull my eyes away to look up at Steven.

When he’s standing over me he reaches down and grabs another handful of hair to pull me up to him.

“It doesn’t matter why I’m acting this way. What matters now is things are going to change around here. I’m tired of waiting for you to come to heel. I’m tired of trying to gently coax you to the way I like things. No more waiting. No more coaxing. Now get the fuck over there and suck his cock, or I’ll make you do it!”

I try again to make him see reason.

“Please, Steven. Don’t make me do this.” It falls on deaf ears.

Another nasty grin stretches across his face. “I was hoping you wouldn’t go willingly.”

Steven starts dragging me into the living room towards his friend. Again, I am struggling against him, and again, his strength is no match for mine. Once we’re standing in front of him, he forces me to my knees by my shoulders. The man already has his dick out, stroking it, and it’s fully hard.