Shattered Essence (10 page)

“Show me,” she said into my chest.

I lifted her up and carried her to
the bedroom. I held her in my arms. Kissed her passionately then had coitus
with my wife.

As Paige lay sleeping next to me I
thought about what she said. Was it that obvious? How did she know there was a
part of my past I couldn’t let go of? Heaven help me, I’d tried to give Paige my
whole heart.

For reasons I didn’t understand, a large
part of my heart belonged to Esperanza. I tried to rid her from my memory bank,
even curse her all to hell. But every time I closed my eyes I remembered how I
felt at peace when we talked. How we would complete each other’s sentences. How
she knew when something was bothering me without me saying a word. We knew each
other’s thoughts. Even though it had been years since we spoke and even longer since
I’d seen her I could still remember the way she smiled at me. I could still
feel her touch. It was strange, but I was unnaturally comfortable with her. We
had an uncanny relationship; it’s as if we were two sides to the same coin. My
heart wept from sadness knowing I failed. I wasn’t willing to fight for love. No
one could ever complete me the way Esperanza did. Deep down I still craved her.
I tried so damn hard to forget her. God I tried. Without her in my life waking
up in the morning was the hardest part of my day.

I hate myself for lying to Paige,
but I wasn’t ready to share my story of Espe. Truthfully, I didn’t want to
share.

Espe

I was sitting on our four-poster bed
when I heard the front door open.

“Babe I’m home.”

I couldn’t help grimacing as I stared
at the white stick in my hand.

“I’m in the bedroom,” I hollered.

“Just where I like my woman,” Jake
yelled back.

I heard him taking off his jacket as
he climbed the stairs. As he walked into the bedroom he looked at what I was
holding in my hand.

With shaking hands I handed the
white stick to him. With a look of uncertainty he took the stick from my hand.

Looking at the two blue lines he
asked, “Does this mean what I think it means?”

“What do you think it means?” I
asked in return.

“Are you having my baby?” His eyes
turned the size of golf balls and his beautiful pearly whites lit up the room.

“Yes, Jake,” I answered with nervous
excitement. “I’m having your baby.”

Jake walked up to me, picked me up
in his arms, and spun me around.

Whispering in my ear, “It will be
the prettiest baby in the world.”

He brushed his lips on mine before
putting me on the ground. He was glowing. Funny, because I always thought it
was supposed to be the mother who glowed.

“Oh my God, Espe I’m going to be a
dad.”

He looked like a kid on Christmas
morning.

“I need to call my parents.”
Reaching for the phone he added, “We need to call your parents. Who should we
call first?”

“Shouldn’t we go to a doctor first
to make sure?” I asked. “I know the box states 99.9% accurate.” I was hesitant.
“But I’d feel better if I heard
pregnant
from a doctor.”

I didn’t know the first thing about
having a baby, much less how to raise one. I continued justifying my reason not
to inform anyone.

“Besides isn’t it early to be
sharing the news? What if something happens?” I asked.

I was apprehensive. I really wasn’t
sure what to think.
I really couldn’t be having a baby, could I?

Sliding across the bed with superhuman
speed, Jake pulled me into his arms.

“Babe, 99.9% is pretty damn
accurate.” Rubbing my back in an attempt to comfort me he asked, “Do you want
to get another test from the drugstore?”

Handing him the pink box I replied,
“The box has two tests.”

Pulling the second test out of the
box he said, “Let’s see if this one comes back positive.” He handed me the
stick. “Then we’ll know for sure.”

“I just peed.” Handing him back the
stick I said, “I don’t think I can go so soon.”

Disappointed, Jake sighed, “Okay,
let’s try again after dinner.”

I reached for his hand. “I promise I’ll
drink plenty of water.”

Motioning with his forefinger and
thumb he said, “Maybe just a little water.” Kissing my cheek he added, “I don’t
want too much water to dilute the results.”

Two hours later I was sitting on the
toilet trying to aim a stream of pee on a tiny white stick. In a few minutes I
would know for sure if I was pregnant.

I was thankful Jake was sitting with
me on the edge of the bathtub … waiting … waiting. These second five minutes
felt like an eternity. I could tell he was nervous too; his legs were shaking.
His eyes were glued to the white stick on the bathroom counter. In addition he
rubbed his face so many times I lost count.

I checked my watch. “Finally! You
check it,” I said. “I’m even more nervous than I was the first time.”

I was holding my breath, biting the
inside of my lower lip. I wasn’t sure what I wanted the test to reveal. The
thought of bringing a life into this crazy world filled with greed, hatred,
drugs, pedophiles, and murderers was enough to make me sick.

On the bright side, I’d have
something that was truly mine. Someone who would be forever mine. Even after I
was long gone and buried.

Jake leaned forward, picking the
stick up in his hand. “It looks like I’m still going to be a daddy.”

He stood in a superhero stance, with
his fists on his waist, his legs spread apart and his head turned away from me.
“This is the best news ever.” He bragged. “My boys can swim.”

“You’re an idiot,” I said laughing
at him.

Touching the tip of my nose with his
finger he said, “And you, young lady, are going to make a wonderful mother.”

“I’m so scared, Jake,” I replied.

“Women have been having babies for
thousands of years.” He took my face in his hands. “I promise everything will
be okay. I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

I let out a sigh. “Who should we
call first?” I said weakly.

Jake reached into his pocket. “Heads
your parents, tails mine.” Handing me the quarter he asked, “Do you want to
flip?”

I closed my hand around his. “You do
it, my hands are too shaky.”

He nodded once and flipped the
quarter into the air. He grabbed it mid air. “Ready?”

I grimaced, showing teeth and
wrinkling my nose. Chuckling, Jake placed the quarter on the back of his left
hand.

“Tails it is. I’ll grab the phone
and put it on speaker,” he said.

It only took three rings before the
phone on the other end was picked up.

“Hello.”

“Hey Mom, I have you on speaker
phone, how are you?” Jake turned smiling at me.

“Hi Esperanza.”

“Hi Betty, how’s Omaha?”

I really didn’t care for Jake’s
mother; actually, she was evil incarnate. When Jake told his mom he was going
to marry me she was horrified her youngest son was marrying a Mexican-American.
She rambled for days about what her friends would think of her.

In the background I heard a cork
coming out of a bottle of wine.

“Omaha is fine, dear. I love it
here. The people are so friendly and the weather isn’t much different from Denver.”

“Mom, we have something to tell
you.” Squeezing my hand, Jake raised his eyebrows a few times.

“Oh, dear lord, please don’t tell me
what I think you’re going to tell me.”

“What do you think we’re going to
tell you, Mom?”

Jake turned to face me and
whispered, “I am so sorry.”

I responded by rolling my eyes at
him.

“Are you two pregnant?” Betty asked
in a disappointed tone.

I’m bulletproof. I will not let
the old bat get to me. I am bulletproof,
I kept repeating in my head.

“Yes, we just found out and couldn’t
wait to share the news,” Jake said.

“Will it be brown and speak
Mexican?”

Agitated, I replied, “I don’t know
what color skin your
grandchild
will have. What I do know is our child
will be loved by both of its parents.”

I really wanted to punch her in the
face.

Carrying on, I added, “As for your
grandchild speaking Mexican, the answer is no. Mexican is not a language. Spanish,
on the other hand, is a language and I guarantee you I intend to teach it.”

“So what you’re telling me is it
wouldn’t be born speaking Mexican, Spanish, whatever?” she stressed.

I
really
wanted to jump
through the phone and choke the old witch.

“Betty, just like all languages, a
child must be taught.”

“You know dear,” Betty explained, “You
really should have stuck to your own kind.”

I could never commit murder,
although, I
really did
want to kill her. Well, at least try.

“Jake, I do not approve of this.”
Betty continued to press. “Maybe you could have an abortion. How far along are
you?”

“MOM!” Jake yelled.

“Sweetheart, I only want what’s best
for you.”

“Esperanza is what’s best for me! I
thought you’d be happy for us! Looks like I guessed wrong.” Through gritted
teeth Jake was screaming into the phone. “I will not sit here and let you
insult my wife or me any longer! If you ever feel like apologizing you know how
to reach me.”

Jake ended the call by throwing the
phone against the wall where it shattered into several pieces. His face was
beet red, his nostrils were flaring, and his fists were clenched. When he stood
I thought he was going to leave the room. Instead he threw the lamp on the
nightstand to the floor then in one quick move he punched a hole through the
wall and yelled, “What the
fuck
!”

I cringed and brought my knees into
my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I didn’t think he would harm me. It was
simply an instinct to protect myself. Jake turned watching me. He ran his hands
over his face then hurried to my side where he wrapped his arms around me.

“Baby, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean
to scare you,” he said quietly. “I am just so damn pissed at my mother. Why can’t
she be happy for us?”

Returning his hug I said, “Maybe we
should hold off on calling my parents until tomorrow.”

“Sounds like a good idea,” he said burying
his face in my hair.

I knew Jake was a good guy and he
did love me. He just had some anger issues which scared the hell out of me.

Summer

Espe

I’m
standing on a hill overlooking the ocean. My arms are crossed over my chest. I
can smell the salt on the breeze as it gently blows around me. I close my eyes
as I feel his arms wrap around my waist. I inhale, taking in as much of his
scent as I can. “I’m finally home,” I think to myself as I watch the waves
crash onto the shore. I can feel his strength as he pulls me toward his hips.
His heat is radiating all around me. I’m protected in Drew’s arms.

“The
view from up here is almost as beautiful as you are,” he hums in my ear in a
low husky voice.

His
breath was enough to make my body ache. I turn to look in his eyes and I can’t
look away. The desire to touch him has me shaking. I try to bring my hand up to
brush his face when he bends down and covers my mouth with his. I was getting
dizzy and I had to hold on to his biceps to steady myself. His kisses continue
down my neck, my shoulder, my collarbone, and finally my breasts. I’m in complete
bliss. I close my eyes once again to absorb and maintain this feeling for as
long as I can.

When
I open my eyes I’m standing alone in a damp tunnel made of concrete. All of a
sudden I feel trapped and I can feel my lungs tightening from the fear of being
alone. I look around for Drew. I start calling for him to find me. I hear
footsteps behind me and I feel relief knowing he has found me. My happiness is
short lived when I become aware I am being chased by Jake. Dread returns to my
chest full force and I know he’s going to kill me if I let him catch me. I
start running through the tunnel. I can’t reach the end, no matter how fast I
run. Jake is going to be the end of me. I hear Drew hollering for me to keep
running and not to look back.

“You
are mine and I will be damned if I share you with anyone. If I can’t have you,
no one can.” I hear Jake’s angry voice echo throughout the tunnel. The more I run
the more my lungs burn. My legs are heavy and I can’t breathe anymore. I hear
gunshots behind me. I fall to the ground and crawl to the wall. I sit leaning
on the wall when the wall gives way and I am falling off a cliff. I am headed
straight for the ocean below. I start to scream and I know in an instant my
life is over. I’m either going to die on impact or drown since I’m not much of
a swimmer. I hit the water feet first and before I know it I’m submerged in
water. I look around trying to find my bearings when I see a hand reaching out
to me. I stretch to grab the hand being held out to me when I recognize it
belongs to Drew. I try to swim to him but I am sinking. I kick my legs as hard
as I can while I try to push the water down with my arms. Thankfully, I had
just enough strength to reach his hand. I grasp his hand and when he doesn’t
grasp it back I realize he isn’t moving. His cloud-covered eyes stare coldly at
me. There is no life in them. He is dead, and I begin to scream underwater.

I woke with a scream stuck in my
throat, sweat rolling off my forehead, and my heart beating so fast I was sure
it was going to jump out of my chest. It took me several seconds to adjust to
my surroundings and to understand I had been dreaming again. Looking around the
bedroom I noticed Jake wasn’t next to me.

He must have left for work
already.
I let out a deep breath and fell back on my pillow.

Dreaming of Drew was the best
feeling and the most alive I had felt in years. Even if my dream did turn into
a nightmare. When I was fully awake I felt the loss, the heaviness, the
emptiness. It was all rushing back. I missed him. I had a broken heart. I knew
I was still in love with him.