Shattered Essence (12 page)

“I couldn’t have cared less if they
were there or not,” she hissed.

“Really?” I asked inquisitively.

“Yeah!” she snapped.

“Then why is it every time I ask you
to be at one of Megan’s events you bring it up? If you truly didn’t care you
wouldn’t mention it.” I dragged a lawn chair alongside Paige. Sitting next to
her I said, “I think it hurt and I think you’ve tried to bury the hurt.” I continued
in my gentlest voice, “Please understand. I want to ensure Megan doesn’t share
your pain.”

“Heaven forbid daddy’s little girl
should ever feel any pain.”

Any control I had up to this point
went out the window. “What in the hell has gotten into you? What is your
problem?”

Through clenched teeth she spat, “
You
are my problem! Why must everything be perfect with you? Around you? I’m sorry
I’m not perfect. Was your ex perfect? I bet she was just as perfect as you are.
Right?”

“I can’t deal with this right now,
Paige. I don’t have the energy for another one of your fits. I’m sorry.” I
stood up and walked away.

“I’m sorry I’m not that bitch you
keep so guarded. She must have been some fuck, even after all these years you
still won’t talk about her. You can’t even tell me her name. I hate her and I
hate you!”

I turned around and grabbed her by
her arms before yelling, “What the fuck do you want from me, Paige? What? If
you hate me so much, leave—I’ll even help you pack.” Part of me was ready for
this marriage to end.

Paige placed her hands on my waist
and pulled herself into my chest. “I’m so sorry, Drew. I didn’t mean what I
said. You were right, it did hurt when my parents didn’t show up to my events.
I’m sorry I took it out on you. I didn’t know how else to release the anger I’ve
carried for so long.”

“I can’t keep having the same
argument with you. There is no one but you.” I whispered, “I’m tired, I don’t
know how much more I can take.” I moved her to the side. “I’m going to go check
on Megan. You are welcome to come ask her how her game was.” As I expected, she
stayed behind.

“Is Mommy coming inside? I saved her
some of my sandwich.” Megan said as she showed me her plate.

“You eat it baby girl, Mommy will be
in shortly and then I’ll make her one, okay? How about I keep you company while
you finish?”

She gave me a killer smile. “Come
sit by me Daddy,” she said as she patted the chair she was sitting on. I
couldn’t help but smile as I placed Megan on my lap. What else could I do? She
was the most amazing thing in my life and I just couldn’t help feeling proud.

When Megan finished her sandwich I
helped her wipe her face and hands before she ran upstairs to play. Paige still
hadn’t come in. I walked over to the sink to do dishes.

I asked myself,
what happens when
you lose the one person in the world who makes you feel invincible? The one
person who makes you a better person? The one person who connects you to the
world? The one person who completes you? The one person who makes you feel like
you’re finally home?

As I stared out the kitchen window I
answered my own questions.
You shatter, you fall apart. You can no longer
find purpose in life. You live because you have to. You get out of bed because
you have to. You live one day at a time. Every day you get out of bed the pain
fades a little and the hole in your heart starts to scar. Then one day you wake
up and realize the pain is gone and you’re left with a stone-cold heart.

“You’re thinking about her again,
aren’t you?” I heard Paige say from behind me. I didn’t even hear her come in.

Fuck!

Rolling my eyes I answered, “For the
millionth time Paige, there is no
her
.” I had to stop thinking of Espe
before I ruined my marriage. “I was simply wondering what you might like for
lunch. Grilled cheese or chicken salad?”

I am so burning in hell.

Summer

Espe

Jake’s strong mentally and
physically. He’s beautiful, courageous, and compassionate. He’s talented in
more ways than one. He’s respectful, imaginative, and he has one hell of a
brain.

Jake has been true to his word. In
the last fourteen years, he has never hit me again. He is not perfect by any
means. We still argue and call each other names. He still gets angry every once
in a while and I have had several holes in the walls to prove it. He saw a
therapist for his anger issues and most of the time he takes his frustration
out on a punching bag in the garage.

Jake is a good father to our fraternal
twin boys, Josh and James. He plays catch with them, kids around with them, and
chauffeurs them from place to place. He is constantly trying to teach the boys
something new, whether it be computer programming, the proper way to catch a
football, or how to be a decent person.

The only complication in our
marriage was our love-hate relationship. On occasion he was so charming I
couldn’t get enough of him and I wanted to eat him up. On other occasions he
was such an ass I wanted to drive an ice pick through his skull. I wanted to
take his face and shove it down the garbage disposal.

Regrettably today was one of the
crappy days.

A few days ago I noticed a baby
bunny was hiding in the thick grass behind the house. He was so tiny and cute, and
looked so soft. For three days I walked around the house to see if I could see
the baby bunny I named Trooper. I wasn’t sure if it was a male or female bunny.
I just assumed it was a male bunny, out on its own. I always made sure to keep
my distance. I didn’t want to scare it away. I had thought about bringing it
out some carrots or lettuce. Then I remembered the last time I took carrots and
lettuce to a rabbit that was hiding in the bushes and they were never touched.
On top of that I didn’t want to draw any attention to Trooper.

It was almost dinnertime and the
only one home was James. Josh was going to be spending the night at a friend’s
house. Before starting dinner I went to check on Trooper. I didn’t see him in
any of his usual hiding spots. He wasn’t under the lilac bush, the deck, or
near the foundation at the front of the house.

Where is the little bugger,
I
thought to myself. I continued to walk around the outside of my home when a
tuft of brown fur caught my eye. I noticed Trooper was lying on his side next
to the water spout. As I approached him my heart sank.

Oh no, not Trooper.

His lifeless body was being harassed
by several flies.

What should I do? I can’t leave
him here. Poor thing. I feel so sad, and I have to bury him.

I walked in the house, picked up my
phone, and stepped back out on the deck and called Jake.

After three rings he answered,
“Hello.”

“Hey Jake, it’s me.” I wasn’t sure
what I was going to say.

“What’s up?” he sounded agitated, as
usual.

“There’s a dead bunny in the
backyard and I’m not sure what to do. Should I call someone? Should I bury it
or should I throw it in the trash?” I didn’t want to throw him in the trash and
I was surprised I’d even asked.

“If it’s dead, leave it there. Some
animal will come and eat it.”

Stunned, I closed my eyes and
sighed.
Jerk!

“Augh, No! Poor thing doesn’t
deserve to be eaten by animals nor does it deserve to lie and rot in this
hundred-degree weather.” I already regretted calling him.

“It’s dead, right?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Then what do you care?” he
exclaimed.

Heartless bastard
, I thought.
“It was once a living breathing creature.” I pleaded.

“Then bury it. Throw it in the
trash. I don’t care.” His tone was hard and cruel.

“I think I’ll bury it. Talk to you
later.” I pressed the end button before he had a chance to agitate me more. It
was times like these that made me wonder what I ever saw in Jake. Why did I
love him? Did I? Right now I was pretty sure I hated him.

I walked back in to the house I
didn’t want to do this alone. I was going to have to solicit some help. The
twins are thirteen now and it’s time for them to start doing manly things.
Heaven knows I’m not going to leave the bunny there and I am most certainly not
going to touch it.

I walked into the boy’s room and
James was playing a video game.

“What are you doing?” he asked me while
giving me one of his biggest smiles.

I thought twice about ruining his
day. “James, do you remember Trooper? The baby bunny I showed you the other
day.”

“Yeah, why?”

“He’s dead, and I want you to help
me bury him.”

I had three reasons why I wanted him
to help me. 1) Teach him to have compassion for all living things. 2) Face
death. 3) Realize there are times in life when you are going to have to do
things you really don’t want to.

“What? What do you mean he’s dead?”
He was staring at me with concern in his big blue eyes.

“I went to check on him and I found
him. Come. Grab the shovel.” I said as I walked out of his room.

I wasn’t going to tell him about my
conversation with Jake. He was a jerk and I didn’t want James to know how cold-hearted
his father could be. On our way outside we stopped in the garage to grab the
shovel.

Before Trooper was in sight James
asked me, “Where are we going to bury him?”

That was a good question. I hadn’t
thought that far. Most of the yard was beautiful manicured lawn. The only place
not covered in deep green grass or landscaping was under the deck in the
backyard.

“I think under the deck would be the
best place. Do you want to dig the hole or should I?”

“You do it,” he said in a quiet
voice.

I started digging while James watched.
Trooper was only about five inches long and I wanted to make sure the hole was
deep enough to cover his small frame and also bury him deep enough other
animals wouldn’t dig him up. It only took a few minutes to dig a hole I felt
was suitable for Trooper’s resting place.

I held the shovel out to James.
“Here, pick Trooper up and place him in the hole.”

James took the shovel from me. His
look was solemn as he walked over to where Trooper lay. I watched him as he
hugged himself.

“Mom, there are flies all over him.
Poor thing. What do you think happened? How do we get the flies off?”

I could see the sadness in his eyes
and hear it in his voice. “I don’t know what happened, baby. He was probably
too young to be on his own.” I didn’t know if mommy bunnies watched after their
young or not. “Maybe he ate something he sho—” I was cut off.

“Mom, he is moving.
Mom
!”
James bellowed.

He’s dead,
I thought to
myself and said, “I’m not sure he can do that. Maybe it’s muscle spasms.” I
walked toward James and Trooper.

“No Mom, really. Hurry come look.”
He held the shovel in his right hand and was pointing at Trooper with his left
forefinger.

The first thing I noticed was
Trooper’s ears moving.

Oh my god, he is still alive. He
is slowly dying. I hope he’s not in pain.
I hadn’t even finished my thought
when I noticed Trooper’s tiny mouth moving.

“Eeeeeeee, Eeeeee” Trooper was
squealing. The sound coming out of him was haunting and loud enough for both of
us to realize he was in terrible pain. Trooper was wiggling on his side with
his legs moving as if it was trying to run away. My heart dropped and I felt a
knot in my stomach. I stared at him for a brief second not sure of what I
should do. I thought about calling Jake back. I knew I couldn’t bury him. I
also knew I was going to be hearing his cries for help in my dreams.

“What should we do?” James asked me
in a somber voice, looking rather zombielike.

“I’m not sure,” was the only thing
that came out of my mouth. I was stunned and heartbroken.

James looked at me with a mixture of
shock and sadness in his eyes. “Mom, I don’t think I’m going to be able to
sleep tonight.” He kneeled in front of Trooper and started to shoo the flies
away.

“I’m going to call the Humane
Society— they’ll know what to do.” I turned and ran inside the house.

Several minutes later I walked back
to where James and Trooper were. I placed my hand on my son’s shoulder. “They
said they’d come and pick him up.”

James didn’t look at me when he
said, “I think he is dead now. Will you keep the flies off of him? I’ll be
right back.” James ran into the house.

I kneeled down and started waving my
hand back and forth over Trooper’s body. James returned with a dish towel which
he laid over Trooper.

“That should keep the flies away
until the Humane Society shows up.”

Forty-five minutes later a white van
displaying the words,
Animal Cruelty is a Crime,
pulled into the driveway.
I opened the front door, relieved that someone showed up to take care of Trooper.
The man who stepped out of the van appeared to be in his late twenties or early
thirties and not bad looking. He was around five ten, five eleven, muscular,
maybe 175 lbs, tan, high cheekbones, and clear skin. He was wearing black cargo
pants, black work boots, a short-sleeved gray polo shirt which tried to hide a
dragon tattoo. A black baseball hat and a badge around his neck finished off
his uniform.

A badge? A cop? Hummm
.
Interesting,
I thought. I didn’t expect a cop to show up to remove a dead animal. I suppose
it made sense. A cop would be responsible for enforcing state laws and local
ordinances pertaining to domestic and wild animals.

He was putting black rubber gloves
on when he asked, “You have a dead bunny?”

“Yes. He’s in the backyard.” I
watched as he opened the side door of the van and pulled out a red coffee can.
I led him to the back of the house and the white dish towel covering up
Trooper. He removed the dish towel, grabbed Trooper by his tiny white fluffy
tail, and placed him in the coffee can. He secured the lid on the coffee can,
stood up and started walking back to his van.