Shattered Essence (15 page)

I grabbed Paige’s chin between my
thumb and forefinger. “Paige. You
are
my wife,” I said sharply.

I tilted my head down enough for my
nose to be even with hers. I made sure my words came out slowly. “You know I am
a DEA Agent. I work for the U.S. government. In. Drug. Enforcement.”

Nodding my head slightly I said, “Do
you understand what I’m saying?”

I raised her head up so I could look
into her eyes. “Did you really think I’d let you go missing for forty-eight hours?

Her eyes started to water. “It’s
true Drew, every word. I swear!” she replied.

She really thought I was stupid.

Releasing her chin, I closed my eyes
and ran my hands through my hair. I was doing everything I could to control my
anger. It wasn’t working. “Paige. Go ahead and tell yourself whatever you need
to make yourself feel better.” I added.

Tears were running down her face.
Between sobs she cried, “Drew I swear … to ... you, I was lost and … and I
couldn’t get ahold of you.”

I was at my breaking point. “Hold on
to your words, Paige, because talk is cheap.”

I said in a threatening voice, “Now
tell me again where you were?”

I was giving her a few seconds to
come clean.

She didn’t.

I took several steps back. I wanted
to make sure she heard what I was saying. “I know where you were, Paige, and
you sure as hell weren’t stranded in your car. You were at Taylor’s. She had a
party, remember?”

“It wasn’t me,” she said as she
rolled her hands into fists and looked away from me. “I haven’t seen Taylor
since I went to rehab.”

Crossing my arms over my chest I
raised my eyebrows. “Damn, Paige! Why do you have to lie to me?” I took a deep
breath and continued. “You’re telling me you don’t remember walking into Taylor’s
house with Cruz Chavez? He’s a leading drug dealer for the Mexican Cartel. Did
you think there wouldn’t be eyes on him?”

I placed my hands on her arms and
looked directly at her. “Now please tell me again how you were not at Taylor’s
getting fucked up.” I said in a sarcastic tone. “Please, I’m listening.”

“So what if I was. It’s not like you
fucking care,” she hissed at me.

My voice was rising. “What? Are you
serious?”

She sat on the couch and wiped her
eyes. She was no longer crying. All I could see was emptiness in her eyes. “It’s
not like you’ve never cheated on me before.”

Did she just say she cheated on
me?

A lump got stuck in my throat. I had
to place my hand on the wall to steady myself. “Excuse me?”

Turning her head away from me she
said, “You heard me.”

“Well, you obviously didn’t hear me.”
I exclaimed. “I asked you to tell me how you weren’t getting fucked up. Not
getting fucked.” I grabbed her by her arm, pulled her off the couch, and turned
her so she was facing me. “You are out of your fucking mind, woman. I have
never, and I mean
never,
cheated on you. I have done everything I could
to try to make you happy, Paige. Apparently my best just isn’t good enough for
you. Instead of telling me you’re not happy you go out and get yourself fucked
by the first guy who comes along.”

“You’re right, Drew, although he
wasn’t the first.” She yanked her arm away from my grip and headed upstairs.

I looked at her with overwhelming hatred
and disgust. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

I’m seriously going to kill this
bitch. Where’s my fucking gun?

It was days like today when I was
thankful for my father’s wisdom. It was his voice in my head telling me that if
I didn’t walk out the door with my daughter immediately I was probably going to
kill my crazy bitch wife.

“I’m taking Megan,” I yelled. “You
have three hours to gather you shit and get out. Anything you leave behind will
be thrown out.”

Bewilderment covered her face. “You
can’t be serious!”

“Deadly!” I replied as I walked
toward the pool to get Megan.

Running up to me, Paige grabbed my
arm and turned me toward her. “Please, Drew, you can’t do this to me.”

Her face was streaming with tears
once again. “What will I do? Where will I live?” she asked angrily.

I pulled my arm from her grasp. “Two
hours fifty-nine minutes and counting,” I said.

Falling to the floor she yelled, “I
want my allowance?”

I looked at her with disbelief then walked
out the door.

Winter

Drew

The last two years of my life have
been hectic. So much has happened. I was certainly happier. The sun appeared brighter
these days. I even think I heard myself laugh a few times lately. I was finally
able to be myself. It was truly one of the greatest feelings on earth. I forgot
who I was while I was married to Paige. I’d spent so much time trying to please
her I got lost trying to be someone I wasn’t.

Thanks to the prenup my divorce was unquestionable.
I can’t count all the times Paige tried to find a loophole to contest. I spent
months between work, meetings with lawyers, and mediation. Everything she
debated was financially related. Not once did she ever ask for custody of Megan.
Not even split custody. Paige received nothing, not even alimony. It wasn’t
until the divorce was final that Paige wanted to spend time with Megan.

In the beginning I encouraged Megan to
spend time with her mom, But Megan wanted nothing to do with her. It hurt her
deeply knowing her mother didn’t fight for her. It was hard for Megan to be
civil when she knew her mother was more interested in money than her.

Megan admitted she thought the
divorce should have happened years before. Once Paige and I split up Megan
became a different person. She was no longer begging for attention by getting
into trouble. Her hair was no longer dyed black but her natural strawberry blonde
color. She still skipped school on occasion—which I didn’t approve of—but I
didn’t give her too hard a time because her GPA was a 3.85.

I put all of my energy and
frustrations into my work. If I wasn’t working on seizing the assets of drug
dealers I was trying to stop the growing drug problem in this country. I did whatever
I could. If it meant educating kids on the dangers of illegal drugs I could be
found at the schools throughout the community. When I was at the office I was
working on strategies to stop drug trafficking. When out in the field if I
wasn’t conducting surveillance, and busting criminals I was focused on
following the drug money. I was recently promoted to Special Agent in Charge. I
loved my job and I spent most of my time at work.

If I wasn’t at work I was taxiing
Megan around. Sometimes I’d leave work to drive Megan to practice, go back to
work, then drive back to pick her up. I was a built-in taxi driver, and if I
wasn’t taking her to school, it was volleyball practice, track practice, Kenpo
practice, the mall, the movies, a friend’s house. It was a pain in the ass
sometimes. I felt as if I was always driving. If I wasn’t driving Megan around
I was driving around for work. At times I thought I could drive the streets of
San Diego with my eyes closed.

Megan was legally old enough to
drive. Two years ago! However, she refused to learn how to drive. She had no
reason to learn when she already had transportation. She said her friends would
pick her up for school or she could ride the bus or take a taxi, but she rarely
did. I said it once and I’ll say it again, I was her built-in taxi. The only
benefit was spending time with Megan. Our drives back and forth became
our
time together. During these drives I was able to find out what was going on in
her life. Learn about her friends, her plans, her dreams, and her goals. Even
though I complain from time to time, it’s by far the best part of my day. In
truth I think she just wanted to make sure I was doing okay. I also think she
enjoyed our little chats as much as I did. I couldn’t believe Megan was a senior
in high school. I could still remember her with pigtails and running through
the back yard with her stuffed dog, Jimmy. He still resides on her bed as a
watchman. Poor Jimmy was beat to hell; he’s certainly seen better days. His
tail and one ear were safety-pinned to his body. He was missing his nose and
one eye. His fur was completely worn out in some places. His body was limp from
years of being toted around.

Now Megan was submitting college applications
and in less than a year she’d be out on her own. I hated to think of my baby
girl leaving.

One thing was certain. I didn’t
spend much time dating. The thought of having a relationship scared the hell
out of me. I didn’t want to bring women around Megan. I didn’t want her
thinking I was a male whore. As a matter of fact I’ve only been laid once in the
last two years. All I can say is, thank god work kept me busy and for hand jobs
in the shower. Otherwise I’d be a madman.

The woman I had sex with, I met in
the coffee shop next to work. I had seen her several times—I even waved or said
hi during a few encounters. One morning as I was waiting for my coffee she sat
next to me and we started chatting. One thing led to another and we had plans
for dinner. It took four dates before I had enough courage to take her to bed.
The next thing I knew she came at me from left field and started talking about
marriage and kids. Needless to say I ran away as fast as I could.

I bought an espresso machine and now
have coffee at home. I was looking for a little joy, a little entertainment;
not marriage and a family. No way! No how! Thankfully five years after Megan
was born I had a vasectomy. I wasn’t going to fall for that trick twice.

To be fair, there were times I was
lonesome. Only me and my lonely mind to keep me company. Sadly, my mind always
went to daydreaming about Espe, a person I wasn’t even sure existed anymore. I
was fucked up and I knew it. Allowing some chick I met when I was a teenager to
own my heart, even now. There were several times I was tempted to do a
background check on her. I wanted to know what she looked like. Who she was
with. Where she lived. I was a sick bastard and thought about going to therapy
on more than one occasion. Maybe some professional help was in order.

“Hey, Dad.” Megan said, breaking my
train of thought.

Tapping the magazine I was pretending
to be reading on my thigh. “Hey baby girl, how did it go?”

She wrinkled her nose and handed me
her driver’s test. “I passed. I missed one on the written and one while
driving. The guy said I failed to stop completely.”

“Nice! I am so proud of you.” I said
as I stood up and gave her a big hug. “Although I can’t believe it took all
your volleyball teammates to talk you in to finally taking the driver’s test,”
I teased.

Kissing me on the check, she said,
“I can’t have you driving me to my college classes now, can I? That would be so
embarrassing.”

“Ouch!” I replied.

“Can I drive us home?” she asked.

Putting my thumb and forefinger
together I responded, “I have to make a little stop on the way. I promised a guy
I’d stop by and see him this evening for just a minute.”

Putting her hands on her hips and
rolling her eyes she protested. “Really, Dad?”

I knew she’d complain. “I’ll let you
drive us there then home if you’d like.”

“No you drive, I should probably
call your ex-wife to let her know how I did,” she said.

We walked out of the Department of
Motor Vehicles and got into my SUV.

“Megan, she is your mother. You
should respect her,” I stated.

She responded, “I do respect her. I
just don’t like her. She’s crazy. I mean really crazy, Dad.”

Before I had a chance to comment she
claimed, without taking a breath, “Last week she told me she was going to
Holland to meet some prince she’d met on the Internet. The week before she told
me some guy she met in Texas, when she went to visit her parents, liked her
smile so much he gave her a ranch. And the week before that she told me you and
she were getting back together! CRAZY!”

“Maybe you should talk her into getting
some therapy,” I responded, not knowing what else to say.

“Really?” she asked with attitude.
“It would be like me getting you to go out on a date. Impossible!”

“Ouch!” I said before pointing to
her phone. “Just call your mother.”

After Megan got off the phone with
her mom she started telling me about the trigonometry test she’d taken earlier
in the day. She was still talking about sine and cosine functions when we
arrived at our destination.

“We’re here.” I interrupted.

She was so worked up over ratios she
wasn’t even paying attention to where I was taking her. It took her a minute to
realize where we were. She looked at me then at all the shiny new cars
surrounding her.

“The man you’re meeting works at a
car dealership?” She expressed suspiciously.

“Yes. Now get out,” I smiled as I
reached to open her door.

I stood on the sidewalk waiting for
Megan to join me. “While I go inside to find Vern, I want you to pick a car.”

Her jaw fell and her feet appeared
to be stuck to the ground. I put my arm around her shoulder. “Get moving, we
don’t have all night.” I said before gently pushing her forward.

She turned, gave me the biggest
smile, and asked, “Are you serious?”

Smiling back, I put my hands into
the front pockets of my jeans and rocked back on my heels. “Deadly. Now go find
your car.”

Spring

Espe

It wasn’t very often I had the
opportunity to be alone in the house. Spring Break was this week and Jake and
the twins flew to Omaha to spend some time with his parents. Even though I knew
my family was hundreds of miles away it was like they’d never left. My phone
rang constantly, if it wasn’t one of the twins calling to rat out the other it
was Jake calling to ask if I packed his razor or blue shirt. What good was it
to send them away when I didn’t really get a break from them?