Shattered Essence (6 page)

There wasn’t any place else I would
rather have been than in this moment. I was happier than I had ever been and I
had never been sadder. I loved being one with Drew. I knew he loved me as much
as I loved him. There was so much I was going to miss. I was completely bummed
out. I didn’t want to miss a thing. I was going to miss his touch. His smile. His
laugh. His kisses. Most of all I was going to miss the feeling of being
complete. I was going to be separated from my second half. It was going to
leave a hole in my heart that could never be filled.

Drew

I couldn’t believe it was Saturday.
It is true what they say,
Time sure does fly when you’re having fun.
Every day this week the first thing I thought about in the morning was
Esperanza and the last thing I thought about at night was her. Today was no
exception. I was thinking about how beautiful she looked while she was
sleeping. Last night was indescribable, perfect, and a night I would never
forget. I needed to spend the remainder of my time on the ranch with her. Time
was running out. Our vacation would be over in twenty-four hours, then we’d
both head our separate ways. Just thinking about our inevitable separation was
gut wrenching. I didn’t want to think about it. All I wanted was to have
Esperanza wrapped in my arms. I couldn’t wait to see her wake up this morning.

Never in a million years would I,
Andrew Robert Malone, have thought I would be so gaga over another person.
Truth be told, I was pretty sure I loved her. Most people would say it was
impossible to fall in love with someone after only knowing them for a week. I
beg to differ. I feel at home when I’m with her. Deep down I know we belong
together. When we’re apart my heart aches, I miss her. There is a magnetic
force that pulls me toward her whenever we’re in the same room. Her smile makes
my body ache. When I am with her, my mind, body, and spirit are at peace. I have
this innate need to protect her. I would put myself in front of a train to save
her.

It’s hard to explain something I am
not quite sure I understand myself. I’ve dated other girls in the past but none
of them have ever come close to what and how I feel about Esperanza. I want to
be the air she breaths, the water she drinks. I want to be her sanctuary and
her protector.

It was official—I was head over
heels in love with Esperanza Alejandra Reyes.

Espe

I woke to the feel of Drew twirling
his fingers through my hair. From my spooned position I turned to face him.

“Good morning,” I said.

“Good morning beautiful,” he replied
then kissed my forehead.

Snickering. “Yea, right, I’ve seen
myself in the morning and let me tell you something, mister. I am anything but
beautiful in the morning.”

“You are so wrong,” he said leaning
in to kiss me.

His kiss was more than enough to
kindle my appetite for him. We made love once again before jumping into the
shower together. We continued exploring each other’s bodies as we washed each
other. I was sure I could spend the day with him in me. Unfortunately, I was
sore and my parents were due back in less than an hour. The last thing I needed
was for them to find their only child being ravished.

As I was putting on my shirt I
turned to face Drew and said, “Drew, I need you to know something.”

I was trying to find words that would
explain what he meant to me.

“I need you to know how I feel.” 

I walked up to him looked him
straight in the eyes placing one hand over his chest and the other over my
heart. I took a deep breath, exhaling through my mouth.

“I love you Drew. Every fiber in my
being ignites with your touch. You are my missing puzzle piece.” My hands were
shaking. “I know this may sound weird but I feel at home with you. At peace. Like
I’ve known you all my life. I belong to you.”

He took hold of my hand and placed
it over his heart. “The one thing I do believe, with all of my heart, is that our
souls do belong together. I know we’ve only known each other for a week. I also
know I love you too, Espe.” Bringing me into his chest he added, “Without a
doubt I love you.”

Espe

I was dreading this day.

It was five o’clock in the morning
and Drew and I were at the lake. Drew was sitting crossed legged on the dock. I
was sitting between his thighs with my legs wrapped around his waist. He had
both of his arms around me, holding me tightly to his chest. His head was touching
my chin. I had my arms around his neck. We sat in silence, neither one of us
wanting to let go of the other.

Tears were streaming down my face.
With every sob and gasp of air I took he held me tighter, rocking me.

I could hear the birds chirping and
the water from the lake crashing on the shore. I was mad at the stupid birds.
How dare they be happy and chipper? Didn’t they know my heart was breaking? Weren’t
they aware of my sadness? I wasn’t ready to let go. And I sure as hell did not
want to say goodbye. How was it possible to have the best experience of my life
and the worst experience of my life all in one week? I knew I should be
grateful for the time I had with Drew. Instead I was pissed. Why would the
universe do this to me? Why would the universe send him to me only to take him
away?

I was trying to engrave his smell,
his touch, the sound of his breath, and the feel of his skin into my memory.

Drew broke the silence by whispering
in my ear, “I found love in Colorado. You are the only person who really knows
me.” Twirling my hair he said, “You now and forever own my whole heart. Please,
don’t ever forget.”

I thought for sure I would drown in
my own tears. “The world is coming down around me.” Between sobs I said,
“Please tell me you’ll love me when I’m gone.”

“I will
always
love you.” Cupping
my face in his hands he explained, “We are not saying goodbye forever, just
goodbye for now. No matter how far apart we are from each other, I will always
be with you. No matter how long it takes for us to be together again, I will
never let you go.”

I was so distraught I didn’t notice
when Scott walked up to us.

“Drew, it’s time to go. Mom and Dad
have checked us out and Jessica is waiting in the car,” he said with sorrow in
his voice.

Drew

I held Esperanza’s hand all the way
back to the ranch in silence. I felt terrible—she was in pain and I was the
cause of it. Part of me thought it would have been better if we’d never met. Then
neither of us would be feeling this miserable. The other part of me thought it
was better to love than never to have loved at all. They say things happen for
a reason. I’m not sure what reason it is at the moment. All I know is I’m
falling to pieces. I hated the look in her eyes. There was sadness, loss, anger,
and love. What was I going to do when the best part of me was gone? I struggled
to say something, anything. I tried to tell her I would go to the end of the
world for her. I would die for her. I would do anything to make her happy. What
was I supposed to say when I couldn’t find my voice? I was all choked up. I was
trying to be strong for both of us. I was unsuccessful. The only thing I could
manage to do was squeeze her hand and stare at my shoes.

Coward.

It didn’t take long for us to return
to the ranch. When we arrived my family was in the car ready to leave just as
Scott had said. When I thought the day couldn’t get any worse it started to
rain. I hated to leave her. I didn’t want to leave her; still I knew I had to.
I felt a tear roll down my check as our fingers separated from one another. I
quickly wiped it away.

When I finally found my voice I told
her, “Please don’t cry. Everything will be okay. We will be together again. I
promise.” I knew I would talk to her daily and I hoped I would see her soon. Yet
I knew someplace deep inside it wouldn’t be soon enough. For the second time
this week I felt fear.

She kissed my lips and whispered to
me, “I will never forget.”

“
Para siempre
,” I whispered
back, meaning forever.

I opened the back door of my dad’s
SUV, got in and shut the door. I couldn’t look at her. If I did I’d lose the
composure I had been trying so hard to keep. I closed my eyes, leaning back on
the headrest and trying to fight back the emptiness I felt. As we left the
ranch I listened to the rain hit the roof of our SUV. I kept thinking of our
last moments together.

My heart felt like it weighed five
pounds. I could actually feel the weight; it was a heavy and empty.

July
4, four years later

Drew

Summer was in full swing. I was looking
forward to one more final hurrah before I entered the ranks of the working
class. I was driving down Interstate 5 headed to Clairemont Mesa. My buddy Steve
was having a fourth of July barbeque. We grew up in the same neighborhood and
have been good buds since daycare. As kids we played baseball, football, and
basketball together. When we were eight we started taking Kenpo Karate
together, to this day we still attend training together when we can. Today I’m
a second degree black belt and Steve is a first degree black belt. The only
reason Steve wasn’t a second degree black belt was due to his military time
overseas.

When we were kids we were always
playing cops and robbers. In high school we talked about being agents together.
We spent countless hours learning everything we could about the FBI, the DEA,
and the ATF. My mom, now an FBI supervisory agent, was critical in leading us
down the right path. She had advised us that candidates selected for training
either came with a military background with some sort of special force
training. The other candidates were those who had a degree they could use; also
a second language was a plus. This was the main reason why I chose a double
major, Forensic Science and Spanish, with a minor in Criminal Justice.

It took me five years but I was
finally done with college. Recently I learned both Steve and I were accepted
into the DEA basic agent training program in Quantico, Virginia. We would be
leaving in August for 18 weeks to be part of their resident program. I think my
mom pulled some strings to get us both in, which didn’t bother me one bit. I
needed all the help I could get.

While I went to college, Steve had
joined the Marines after high school. It didn’t take long before he was going
to college at night and working on a Criminal Justice degree. I wasn’t
surprised when he told me he’d been selected into the Marines Special Ops
program as a Scout Sniper. As a teen he spent hours at the shooting range with
his dad. I can’t complain about the two of us attending training together. It’s
always nice to know someone will have your back. I had the chance to live the life
I always dreamed of.

The only thing missing from my life
was my second half. Even though I had lost complete contact with Esperanza I still
thought of her. She was my first love. She is still the only girl I have ever
loved. To this day I’ve never met anyone else like her. I remember her kind
heart, her loveable spirit, and of course her killer smile. It had been two
years since the last time there was any communication between us.  

For the first month after leaving
the ranch, I talked to her every day. Sometimes for hours, other times only for
a few minutes. When I returned to the states we tried to get together, but
something always happened. She was going to visit me for Thanksgiving when a
winter storm cancelled her flight. The second time we tried I was driving down
interstate forty when my engine blew just outside of Flagstaff, Arizona, from
lack of oil. On a side note, I am now religious about changing my oil every
three thousand miles. The third time we tried I was going to fly out to see her
when, the night before, my grandmother died of a heart attack. After that we
couldn’t agree on a date that would work for both of us. To make matters worse
I got tired of whack jobs in the shower and started seeing other girls. I’m not
very proud of that fact. As time went by we talked less and less. Before I knew
it the only communication we had was an occasional birthday or Christmas card.
Eventually those stopped as well. I still thought about her. If I focused hard
enough I could still remember her face, her voice, and how she smelt of
Jasmine. Her touch got harder and harder to remember. As the days went by the
only thing that didn’t fade was my love for her. She was never far away from my
thoughts. I still dreamt about her all the time. There had been many times I
wanted to find her and reconnect. Then my mind would think she could find me if
she wanted to. I thought maybe she was happy with someone else and I was better
off leaving the past in the past. In the end I decided it would be best for
both of us if we continued on our separate paths. I was wondering where she was
and who she was with when I pulled up to the curb at Steve’s house. I prayed
she was happy.

There were several people I
recognized from high school. Many of those in attendance were either
ex-military or still serving. Steve had quite the Fourth of July party going.
The tables were covered in red, white, or blue cloth sprinkled with silver confetti
in the shape of stars. There was also a mini American flag on every table in a
centerpiece of red, white, and blue carnations. The buffet table was draped
with a banner resembling the American flag. All the utensils and serving pieces
were either red, white, or blue. The tents where covered in lights and stars
hung from the tents support poles. I was positive Steve had nothing to do with
the decorations. It was more likely his younger sister Jennifer had decorated. Steve
probably didn’t have a creative bone in his body. He was a Marine through and
through. He looked like a six-foot-tall bulldog. His muscles made his T-shirt
appear fused to his skin. He sported a bald head and several tattoos; one was a
Dr. Seuss quote on his wrist,
Being crazy isn’t enough.
He is certainly
a threatening figure. Most people are scared shitless upon meeting Steve. Truth
be told, he is very loyal and by far one of the most generous people I know. He
will give the shirt off his back to help a person in need.