Shattered Heart (The Hart Series) (2 page)

Arianna fucking
Salerno.  That’s what I have to contend with.  When her highness found out
about our relationship, she insisted…no, let me rephrase that…she demanded we
quickly end things, which is how
my
Alex got sent to New York.  Well,
technically he’s not mine anymore. 
Technically
, for her majesty’s sake,
I’m
spending time
with Oliver now.  I know it seems rash and completely
against everything in my heart, but I was desperate.  And no thanks to Arianna,
he was there.

“Ely, you’re
spacing out again.”  Oliver’s waving hand makes me blink away the painful
memories. 

“It’s nothing. 
You know I’ve just been working a lot,” I shrug, trying to remain nonchalant
even though my head feels as if it’s ready to explode.  I can see by the way
Oliver tilts his head that he knows I’m not being completely forthcoming.  The
last thing I need is for him to realize the depths of my despair.  Knowing how
every fraction of my heart is gone, leaving nothing to give to him.  Or anyone.

 “Oh, come on
now,” Oliver reaches over, taking my hand in his.  He toys with the band of my
mother’s ring, something I’m sure he’s seen me do often.  “I work all day,
too.  Besides, I’m not all Debbie-downer and I have far worse problems than you
do.  Don’t you know that studies have shown males who don’t have active sex
lives are more prone to drink, have attitudes, and develop carpal tunnel.”  I
roll my eyes. 
Really Oliver, carpal tunnel? 
He’s never been eloquent
with words, but then again, I can appreciate his bluntness and his ability to
make me smile. 

“Carpal tunnel? 
Have you been typing a lot lately?” I ask, teasingly.

“Not so much,”
he chuckles as realization hits me. 

“Why not just
date someone, Oliver?  You’re hot and lots of women fawn after you,” I feign
annoyance.  “Autumn was just asking about you the other day; she seems
interested.”  A little too interested, if you ask me.  But, that’s just
Autumn.  Any guy in her presence is fair game and she’s not quiet about it at
all.

I know what he’s
going to say.  I know most women would probably jump at the chance of starting
something with Oliver.    He’s sweet, attractive, and uncomplicated.  But
because I’m still in love with Alex, my heart is just not in it.  Problem is,
these days Oliver is the glue who holds me together.  Since Alex left, he has
been the crutch I’ve leaned on when I needed strength just to get through my
day.  His humor, his carefree nature, just him in general; he makes me feel not
so broken.

 However, I
can’t just forget that I once had a heart; especially when Oliver’s making
every effort to win mine.  The pounding from my chest no longer exists;
he
took it when he left.  These days I check my pulse regularly just to make sure
I’m still alive.  I’ve dealt with a lot of loss in my life, with losing my
parents and losing my best friend, but I was not prepared to deal with the
crippling experience of losing the
only
man I’ve ever loved.

His eyes narrow
as his head turns in my direction.  “I’m where I want to be.  I know you
haven’t had the best of luck with men, and I’m not trying to pressure you,
Ely.”  Because of a night out with Janice and Autumn, Oliver knows most of my
issues; including my issues with Cole.  “I just want it known that I want you. 
I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me now, but I’m not giving up.”

My face flushes,
bringing my hands to cover my anguish.  Would he still want me if he knew what
was going on in my head?  

“Hey, we don’t
have to talk about it.  I didn’t mean to make you upset.”  Bringing his strong
calloused hand up, he brushes a stray hair behind my ear, causing my hands to
drop to my sides.
 
His touch, although
thoughtful, is just another reminder that he was sent to be my replacement
Alex.  “Elyssa, I wish you would just let me in, even a little bit.” 

I turn to look
at him; his bright and caring eyes fixed on me.  With a heavy sigh, I turn in
my seat to face him, resting my back against the door.  “What do you want to
know?”

He ponders for a
moment.  “Did Prince Charming turn out to be not so charming in the end?”

Rolling my eyes,
I bite the inside of my cheek as I scrounge up the words to describe my
situation with Alex.  In my heart I know we aren’t over, so a break seems like
the only plausible explanation.  Except admitting this to him, might backfire. 
“No, Oliver.  We’re taking a…break.” 

“So you’re
single?”  His face brightens at the possibility.  

Like I
said…backfire.  “Easy there killer, it’s only been a few weeks.  I’m not ready
to start up anything else.  Besides, considering I’ve been working practically
twenty-four hours a day, I don’t have time for anything more than what I’m
already giving.”  I pause to search his emerald eyes, knowing if I don’t end
things now, I’m going to regret hurting him.  I can see the glimpse of defiance
he’s not trying to hide.

“Speaking of, I
should go inside now.  I need to get some decent sleep tonight, because I’m
sure Arianna will have Maggie ask me to stay late again tomorrow night.” 
Arianna never does her own dirty work.  Hopefully someday, Maggie will realize
what she’s letting Arianna do to me, but for now, I have to take it.  I will
not let Arianna get the best of me.  She’s already taken enough.

 “I was going to
ask you about that.  What’s going on with Arianna?  Is it me, or did you piss
in her coffee?”  Thinking he’s funny, he smirks.  In reality, he’s not too far
off.

Shaking my head,
I try not to smile but my lips turn upward involuntarily.  “You’re right, s
omehow
I pissed her off.”  I fell in love with her favorite boy toy and ruined her
extracurricular activities.  “Whatever I did, she’s on a rampage and her bitch
storm is aimed right at me.”

“Why don’t you
just tell her to back the fuck off?  Tell her that she’s being a complete cunt
and that she needs to cut you some slack.”  Oliver’s stern face is actually
adorable.  He’s convinced that you can talk to someone like Arianna with
reasoning.  He doesn’t realize that she’s a demon feeding off my soul and with
her there is no sympathy for the damned.

I shrug.  “I’ll
get by.  I just need to pull up my big girl panties and ride out the wave until
I can transfer to another department or better yet another company.”  Wow,
saying that out loud was kind of invigorating.  I had thought about it, but
actually saying it to someone other than myself, makes it more real, makes it
more attainable. 

“What?!  No! 
You can’t leave.  Not when I just got here.  I’ll help you.  If you need me
to…I’ll stay after hours and do whatever you need.  Just don’t go.”  His voice
is on the verge of begging and his white knuckled grip on the steering wheel
makes me glad it’s not me.

“Calm down
there, firecracker.  For the moment, you’re stuck with me.”  Unfortunately, I
have no real prospects, nor a place to live if I chose to quit.  I won’t fall
back on my sister, if I can help it.  She’s done enough for me in her lifetime;
she doesn’t need the added pressure to her picture perfect life.  I bite the
inside of my cheek and continue to stare at him. 

“Speaking of
your big girl panties,” he chuckles, “Can we consider this a first date since
technically you don’t have a boyfriend?  You know, the end of date usually
equals…”

 “Oliver…” I
push against his chest as he inches closer.  I’m trying terribly hard not to
let him get attached, trying to keep whatever this is between us as light as
possible.  No attachment means no heartache. 

“You’re going to
give into me eventually.”  Shaking my head, I reach down and move his hand away
from my knee and place a chaste kiss on his cheek before pulling the handle and
bolting out the door. 

Oliver rolls
down his window as I walk away.  He yells, his voice echoing in the night,
“Goodnight, Ely Bean!”

As I turn to
give him a small waive, I still as my heart skips a beat.  Looking back to the
covered trash cans, I see what looks like Cole’s Jeep parked just out of view. 
Why would he be here?
  It’s been weeks since I’ve heard from him; the
Alzheimer’s event to be exact.  I shake my head.  No, I’m sure it’s not his. 
He has no reason to be here for me, even though we did leave our friendship on
the floor, shattered in pieces the last time I was with him.  With thoughts of
Cole pushed back inside, but the apprehension very real, I begin running the
short distance to my apartment. 

I’ve actually
felt uneasy for weeks now.  Walking to my car at work, rushing to my apartment,
I even freaked out in a Target parking lot.  I can’t shake the feeling
someone’s been watching me.  Who?  I’m not sure, especially because I haven’t
really seen anyone or anything.  Until tonight, it’s more like a woman’s
intuition and it’s scaring the crap out of me. 

I’ve never had a
fear of living alone and I’m not going to start now.  Cole or no Cole, I have
to be stronger than being spooked by a damn car.

The moment my
door closes, like any other day, unease is replaced with depression.  Shaking
the thought of Cole, I look around my apartment and flashes of memories of Alex
are everywhere.  The kitchen: kissing me, gently lifting me on top of my
counter.  The living room: my couch where we made love for the first time. 
And, then there’s my bedroom.  My eyes turn to the open door, where darkness
awaits to consume me.  This was where he held me and kept me whole after I
poured my soul to him. 

Being around
Oliver dulls the pain, but only slightly.  With him I remember what it feels
like to laugh and be myself again.  Moments with Oliver are the only time I
feel some semblance of who I was before Alex got on that damn plane.  I walk to
my bedroom and discard my clothes into the hamper.  I don’t even make an effort
to put on pajamas anymore and just sleep in my underwear. 

I want sleep to
devour me.  Unfortunately, the universe has other plans.  Just as I’m about to
climb under the covers and soak in my sorrow, my phone buzzes from the side
table and flashes a picture of my sister.
  Why can’t everyone just let me
be?

With a heavy
sigh, I answer the phone.  “Yes Rach.”

“Well, don’t you
sound all bubbly?  What’s crawled up your butt and died?” 
My relationship.

“I’m just tired,
Rach.  What’s up?”  I’m so exhausted, I can’t even feign happiness.

“You’re always
so freaking tired.  That’s all you’ve been for weeks.  You haven’t been over to
see us and when I go to see you, you’re in bed or at work.  What’s going on
with you?  Should I be worried?”

Tears brim over
my lids as I pull myself into a fetal position.  I haven’t been able to talk to
anyone and I feel like I’m suffocating.  With a sob, I peel back the agony and
let out a tortuous cry for help.  “I’m just so miserable, Rach.  I miss him.  I
miss him so much.”  I cry into the phone, gripping it against my cheek.

“Oh El, honey
don’t cry.  He’ll be home soon enough.  Is that what this has been about?  You
missing Alex?”  I nod, not that she can see me.  “Have you talked to him?”

I take a deep
breath trying to calm myself.  “It would hurt to talk to him, Rach.  I ended
things before he left.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep opening the
wound.”

“You what?!” 
Listening to her raised voice, I pull the phone away from my ear.  “I can’t
believe you broke up with him.  Why?”

“It was just
too…complicated.  There’s just…he’s…everything is so tremendously complicated.”

After a moment
of silence, she sighs.  “I really thought you had found your one.”

My body trembles
and after I pull the covers tight around me, I realize it’s not from the cold. 
“I did too.” 

“You need me,
El, I’m coming over.”  A statement, not a question. 

Brushing away my
tears, I attempt to sound more put together.  “Don’t be silly.  I’m just having
a moment.  This too shall pass.”  I attempt a fake smile through the phone.

“If you need me
you’ll call, right?”  I hear the concern in her voice and I hate to make her
worry.

“Yes Rach.  Now
go to sleep.  Tell Bryan I said hello.”

“I will.  I love
you, El.”

“I love you,
more.”

With my sister
finally off the phone I’m able to fully succumb to my depression.  It’s one thing
to grow apart, fall out of love, or just realize you’re incompatible.  But in
my case, I know Alex is my one, my other half.  If it wasn’t for all of the
other outside influences, I would be waiting in anticipation for him to come
home.

Instead, I’m wrapped
up in my comforter like a dejected burrito crying my eyes out, just hoping that
sleep will dull the pain.  Problem with sleep, he’s there.  He’s always there. 
In my dreams, smiling, kissing me, touching me everywhere as a reminder he’s
claimed every inch of my body.  But like a sick joke, I wake.  I wake in my bed
lonely and cold without him and I have to push through my day again with a
reminder of what I had. 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I don’t know why
I go to bed thinking that any day will be different than the day before.  Call
me optimistic to think I might get more than a few hours of sleep, but like
yesterday, today is no different.  In an effort to make a change, I decide to
call Maggie and let her know I’ll be working from home.