Shattered Heart (The Hart Series) (4 page)

“Are you fucking
serious?  Why?  So you could try to avoid me even more?  You know what…fuck
this!”  Alex runs his hands through his hair, resting his hands on the back of
his neck.  “I’m sorry that in the middle of my grandmother being in the
hospital that I didn’t send you a quick text to let you know I was back in
town.  How selfish of me.”

“I didn’t mean
it like that.”

“No, you’re
right!  Now I can completely see why you broke up with me and cut me out of
your life.  I’m a fucking bastard for not thinking of you before everything
else I have going on.  I am so sorry for wasting your time when I thought it
was you who was the cruel bitch who broke
my
heart.  No…this entire time
it was me!  I’m such a selfish mother fucker.”

“I’m done.”  I
shake my head as I grab my purse and try to leave.  “I’m not talking to a
psycho right now.  When you can talk to me like a human being and not insult me
every two seconds…”

“What the fuck
did you expect when you left me in New York?  No! Fuck that!  What did you
expect after you ignored my calls for weeks before that?”  Alex stands in my
way as I try to walk past him.  Standing near him is almost unbearable, I just want
to wrap my arms around him and apologize for every stupid thing I’ve done. 
“Answer me!” his voice reverberates against the walls.

“Stop yelling at
me.”  My eyes brim with tears, my lips quiver, while I try to hold back the
sobs.  “Please stop, Alex.”

“Don’t start the
waterworks now.  Where were your tears for me…for us?  Where was your sympathy
when I made a fool out of myself chasing after you?  Where was your fucking
heart then?!”  In a moment of sheer rage Alex grabs the vase of flowers next to
him and throws it against the wall.  A loud shatter is heard, allowing the
scream to bubble out of my throat as I rush past him.

I don’t know
where I’m going.  All I know is that I need to get away from him.  I knew he
would be angry.  I knew I hurt him more than I could ever imagine and even if I
could tell him, I doubt he would ever understand the motives behind my
decisions.  I knew he would end up hating me for what I’ve done, but never in a
million years would I have imagined him being so callous.  Indifferent, yes,
but callous, definitely not.  He’s turned into a monster.

The echo of my
steps is all I can focus on while I frantically push past each double door,
desperately searching for the stairs.  Three flights doesn’t seem as strenuous
when you’re using them as an escape route.  I’m out of breath and sobbing
hysterically the moment I run through the main entrance doors.  I’m halfway
down the sidewalk when arms suddenly engulf me, cradling me against his
muscular body; my back against his front.  Right away I know it’s him.  I would
recognize that scent anywhere; citrus, spice and Alex.

When my
traitorous body momentarily relaxes against his chest, I immediately tense
recalling our moments before.  “Don’t you fucking touch me!”  I spinelessly try
to pry his arms away, but with a firm grip, I have no chance.  Luckily, we’re
alone outside.  I can imagine the spectacle we’re making, but for the life of
me, I don’t have an ounce left in me to care. 

When I feel his
lips move against my temple, a sob erupts that’s so violent my legs give out as
it wracks my body.  I can’t help it, it consumes me.

“Elyssa, I
wasn’t going to hurt you.  I could never hurt you.”  His voice is calm, disdain
completely vanished from his tone. 

I know he would
never hurt me.  My escape wasn’t out of fear, it was out of desperation. 
Desperation to get out of the room, desperation to leave a situation I had no
answers for.  Alex came at me with a slew of questions I couldn’t explain.  Not
right now.  Flight or fight?  I chose flight. 

“I’m sorry,
Alex.  I’m so sorry.”

“I’m just so
fucking miserable.  I don’t know what I did to make you hate me so much.”

I’m completely
destroyed by his words. 

I’m unable to
speak when I turn around.  Clinging onto his forearm, Alex allows the silence and
with a simple nod grants me permission to cry into his shoulder.  Within
minutes, Alex pulls me away from his hard body, lifts my chin and pushes aside
the tears running down my cheeks.

“I don’t hate
you, Alex.  I could never hate you.  Right now, it’s just not our time.  You
know this, just as much as I do.”  I hate that there are no truer words.  I
hate that I have no control right now over my own life, my own decisions.

“Why does it
always feel like you’re talking out of fear instead of what you want?”

“I don’t even
know what I want anymore,” I whisper.  Of course I want him, I just don’t want
the repercussions of us being together. 

“So, you’re
saying you don’t even want me anymore?”

“It’s never been
that I didn’t want you.  Since the moment we met, it’s been pretty obvious what
I want.”  Doesn’t he get it?  I know I haven’t given him anything to hope for,
but I wish he could be more patient.  I’m working towards getting a new job,
trying to get out of an uncontrollable situation.  For us.  

“Life’s too
short to not say what we’re feeling; my grandmother is a prime example of
that.  So, regardless of how pissed I am at you right now,” Alex sighs, “I love
you.  You know that, right?”  I close my eyes as the tears relentlessly cascade
down my cheeks.  I know he still loves me, what he doesn’t understand is that I
still love him. 

“I love you,
too,” I sigh, “But, I don’t want to hurt you.”  I clutch his bicep, fighting
the urge to say everything that I want to.  I want to tell him that in his arms
has been the first place I’ve felt safe in such an immeasurable length of
time.  I want to tell him that regardless of his past, it’s the future that I’m
terrified of. 

But I don’t,
because I can’t.

“You already
are,” he whispers in a strained voice.

“Then let me
go.”  I choke on the words as they leave my lips.  I don’t want him to let me
go.  I want to live in his kisses and die in his embrace.  So I let Alex hold
me, but eventually his arms loosen.  He places a kiss on the crown of my head
while his arms drop to his sides.  

I adjust my
dress and solemnly walk away from him once again.  I can’t look back.  If I do,
I don’t think I’ll be able to stay away.

Friday, November 16, 2012

While I know
parking in “unchartered territory,” as Janice likes to call it, is probably not
the smartest move, I like it.  My unofficial-official assigned parking space is
tucked away between the second and third floor of the garage, away from lurking
V.P.’s and late night discussions between colleagues.

The problem with
my self-declared parking space is that the word
rape zone
is practically
painted in bold letters, the darkness threatening to take over the dimly lit
lights.  With my newly acquired single status, it might be a while before
someone notices if something were to happen to me.  Regardless, I still park
here and probably always will. 

Resigned to
letting my fate be all it can be, I check my makeup in the fold down mirror.  I
went minimal since I didn’t have a lot of time to get ready.  Not really giving
myself a chance to look how I know I should, I settled on putting my chocolate
brown hair back in a sleek ponytail, which goes well with my teardrop
earrings. 

I’m about to
grab my purse and head inside when I’m startled by my passenger door opening and
slamming shut.  If I hadn’t noticed the four inch blood red stiletto prying its
way into my car, I may have panicked.  Instead, I immediately know who it is
and blow out a frustrated breath.

“Good Morning,
Arianna,” I drone, rolling my eyes.  “To what do I owe this morning surprise?”

She flips down
the visor, rubbing her fingers at the corners of her mouth.  Not speaking until
she’s finished ogling herself, I get more annoyed by the second.  I don’t have
time for this shit.  I’m about to silence her attempts of disturbing my morning
by escaping the car when her head turns in my direction. 

“Were you
dropped as a child?” she pauses, staring at me as nonchalantly as if she just
asked me what I had for breakfast.

I open and then
close my mouth, completely unsure of how to answer such a ridiculous question.

“I’d ask if your
mother did drugs, but I don’t recall her ever being a crack whore.”  Arianna
runs the tips of her pointy acrylic fingers along her calf as she assesses her
stockings.  She looks angelic in her stark white belted crepe dress, yet she
has a demon screaming inside of her to get out.  “No, no, that couldn’t be
it…you didn’t do drugs as a teenager, did you?  You always seemed so put
together, a boring child really, not someone who dabbled in narcotics.”

“What in the
hell are you talking about, Arianna?”  My voice is shaky.  I’m completely
blindsided by this conversation.

“Hmmm…let me
think.”  Her eyes look to the roof of the car as she purses her lips.  “God,
there are so many places to start; how about your inability to follow simple
directions.”  She continues to furrow her brows at me, her voice laced with
sarcasm.  “Do I have to write it down for you?  Are you that dense that I need
to draw a diagram?  Do you need me to include some clip art?  Bedazzle it a
bit?”

I fidget in my
seat as the conversation grows more and more uncomfortable.  “Obviously, you’re
going to have to draw me a picture because
I have no idea
what you’re
talking about.” 

“Fine.  Let me
paint you a little picture.  Imagine…my new Sales Executive hopping on a plane
to see her little boyfriend after she agreed to stay away from him.”  My mouth
drops as her words sink in. 
She knows.  Oh. My. God, she knows.
  “Not
to mention a little conversation you two had outside the hospital last night;
cuddling against each other in such a sweet embrace.”  She shifts in her seat
facing me, her back resting against the car door.  And then she snaps. 

“You were
supposed to stay away from him, Elyssa.  That was the deal.”  Her eyes darken as
she stares at me.  “How about the fact that you appear to be continuing this
ridiculous fucking joke of a relationship with a good for nothing…”

“Hold the fuck
up!” I interrupt her with a growl.  “If I recall, you were with him.  You
thought he was good enough to make him the V.P. of your Sales and Marketing
department.  Did you not?”  I fight the urge to clasp my hand over my mouth.  I
just went off on a tangent the moment she began insulting Alex.  She
practically said I was mentally handicapped and called my mother a crack whore
and I didn’t so much as flinch, but the instant she insults Alex I go all ape
shit on her, defending what’s mine.

Arianna feigns
in shock at my outburst before erupting in a fit of laughter. 
Definitely
not the reaction I was expecting. 
“You remind me of your mother. 
PATHETIC.  It’s a good thing they died when they did.  For them to see how you
turned out and the type of man you’ve chosen to be with; they would be
appalled.”

“Don’t talk
about them as if you knew anything about them,” I shriek, holding back the
tears that pool in my eyes.  I will not give her those.  Not today.  “You don’t
know anything about love, or how my parents were together.  And you damn sure
don’t know Alex.”

“You’re so
naïve.  I knew your parents…very well,” Arianna responds, tartly.  “So well, in
fact I was there the day they perished,” she chuckles.  She fucking chuckles. 
“Bet you didn’t know that, did you, my sweet naïve, Elyssa.”

I have no
words.  That can’t be right, why wouldn’t I have known this?  I need out of
this car, I need to talk to my sister.  If anyone knows what happened, it would
be her.

“You’re just as
naïve when it comes to Alex as you are with your parents.  You know the man he
is now.  You have no idea the kind of man, no not man, boy he used to be. The
defiled things he’d do for a measly dollar.  He was good for one thing and one
thing only.”  Her face lights up with a devious smirk as she bites her bottom
lip. Her recollection of Alex causes a gag like reflex and I’m fighting the urge
to purge my breakfast all over her.  Fuck, I need out of this car. 

“I gave him the
confidence, I gave him the education, and I gave him the clothes, the car, and
the persona.  So when you look at him and fall head over heels in love like a
little school girl…recognize that you’re falling in love with the semblance of
a man I created.  And because I’ve given him all of that,” she snaps her
fingers, “I can take it all away.  It’s really just that easy.”

Enough!  She can
carry on and on about how she did everything for Alex, but let’s not kid
ourselves.  She did it for herself.  She’s just that selfish.  “I don’t know
what you want.  I’ve done everything you’ve asked; I broke up with him.  I did
everything against my better judgment.  So cut the crap, why are we here right
now?” 

“We’re here
because regardless of everything you’ve done, you’ve made it clear that you’re
not able to separate yourself.  I know your game Elyssa, whether you think I do
or not.  As soon as you thought the coast was clear, big bad aero phobic Elyssa
caught the first flight out.  Then the moment he comes back, you sneak off to
the hospital to what….console him in his time of need.  Pfft.”