Shattered Heart (The Hart Series) (3 page)

“You haven’t
been yourself lately.  I know Arianna’s working you to death, but I need you. 
You’re my little shining star,” her bubbly voice brings a small, but brief,
smile to my face.

“I’m trying,
Maggie.  Last thing I want is to let you down, I’ve just been so tired.”

“Honey, you
aren’t letting me down.  I know you’ve been pulling sixteen hour days for the
last few weeks, and I’m partially at fault for not putting my foot down with
Arianna.  Stay out of the office and take a ‘me’ day.  Go get a massage, get
your nails done and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

We say our
goodbyes and I’m left alone.  I used to love being left with my thoughts, but
lately I really hate the silence that solidarity brings.  Pre-Alex I would have
jumped at the chance of doing all of those annoying things girls do when
they’re alone: moisturize our feet, trim our bikini line, along with some
waxing.  Now, when I’m alone my mind constantly drifts.   Like now. 
Shit...I
really need to get out of this apartment. 
I guess I could go see Rachel
and Bryan, but after my cry fest last night, I know Rachel would interrogate
me.  She doesn’t know the game twenty questions; her version is twenty-thousand
questions.  She’s relentless and sadly, not what I need right now.

Instead, being
the unexciting person that I am, I’m left with only one choice: plopping on my
couch to watch some television.  What I wouldn’t give to get lost in the world
of infomercials and daytime train-wrecks.  Maybe Maury has another “Who’s My
Baby Daddy?” episode on.  As I flip through the channels, the television
inadvertently pauses on a campaign raising awareness for Alzheimer’s.  My
breath stops and I can feel a pang, the first real hurt in my already dead
chest, as I think about Alex’s grandmother, Nana Molly.

A week after
Alex left was the only time I visited with Nana and even then I didn’t stay
long.  She wasn’t having a good day, if there is such a thing as a good day
when you have Alzheimer’s.  I’m thankful that while Alex is away, she at least
has Delores, her live in nurse.  I had said I would visit again, but the
thought of going back left a big ache in my heart, and I haven’t been back
since.  A solitary tear trickles down my saddened face, remembering how I told
her I would take care of him and how I’m failing miserably.  Of course, in a
sick and twisted way, I am trying to keep that promise. 

I find myself
missing her with each passing minute.  It’s been too long.  Regardless of
what’s going on with me and Alex I really should go see her.  Mind set, I turn
the television off and head to the bedroom to get ready.  Maybe visiting Nana
will fill a portion of the void I feel inside.

~~~~~

“Elyssa?  The
last time you looked so distressed, I wasn’t expecting to see you again.”
Delores peers at me with a look of astonishment from the partly open door.

I shake my head
in annoyance at myself.  I didn’t mean to leave with the impression I was upset
or distressed.  Nana doesn’t deserve my selfishness.  She deserves love and
companionship.  “I’m sorry, Delores.  I didn’t mean to leave like that.  Things
have just been...well, they’ve been uncontrollable and I was hoping to spend
some time with her if she’s up for company.” 

Even through her
confused facial expression, she’s a sight for sore eyes.  I’ve missed
everything affiliated with Alex and know instantly this was the right thing to
do.  Being here at his home, even if he’s not, with her face and kind eyes
reminds me of a time when I was happy.

Shaking her
head, Delores’ face falls.  She’s upset.  “I didn’t think of calling you, but Miss
Molly is in the hospital.  She had a terrible fall and she’s been there since
Monday.” 

“Oh my God,” I
whisper.  “Is she okay?  What hospital?” 

“She’s hanging
in there.  They believe she caught an infection which gave me a right ole
scare.  But, I know she’d love a visit from you.  She’s at the hospital not too
far from here, on the Southwest side of town.” 

I thank Delores
in a rush and run down the path towards my car waving goodbye over my
shoulder.  If only I had come sooner, I would’ve known.  I shiver thinking that
she’s all alone and immediately my thoughts go to Alex.  He didn’t even call to
let me know she was hurt.  Why hasn’t he come back to town to be with her?  Not
that I would have answered his call, anyways.  But right now, it doesn’t even
matter.

~~~~~

Thankfully, I
was smart enough and called ahead to get Nana’s room number, so when I got to
the hospital I didn’t have to waste any time hunting someone down for
information.  Standing in front of her room, I take a deep breath before I
knock and push open the door.  I don’t know what’s up with me lately, but the
instant I see her in the hospital bed, tubes and IV lines going in all sorts of
directions, tears well in my eyes.  She appears to be sleeping and there’s a
larger tube in her mouth.  The only sound echoing through the room is her
breathing and the machine showing her steady heartbeat.

Walking towards
her tiny frame, I sit in the chair next to her bed, and reach over and take her
petite hand in mine.  I run my thumb over her prominent veins and lean over to
rest my cheek against the back of her cold skin, letting the guilt wash over
me. 

“I’m sorry,
Nana.  So sorry I haven’t been here for you.  But, I’m here now, and I’m not
going anywhere.”  I shake my head and continue to caress her skin.  Minutes
pass while silent tears stream down my face.  Although she can’t hear me, I
feel the compulsion to confess, so I do.  “He deserved better than me.  That’s
the only reason I didn’t know you were here.  I haven’t been talking to him and
I hope I’m doing the right thing by giving him space and time to get past what
we had.”

I look over her
tranquil face for a sign that she forgives me, a sign she doesn’t hate me for
hurting Alex.  Instead, all I see is the ascension of the breathing machine as
her chest rises and falls.  The only other movement is the liquids running
through the clear tubes giving her static body nutrients.  I rest my cheek
against our clasped hands as I talk to Nana about everything that’s happened
since Alex’s departure.  I know if she were awake, she would appreciate the
depravity of my decisions.  She would tell me I had no other choice, and that
she understood.

I jolt awake
with the steady strum of the heart machine.  I must have fallen asleep resting
against the side of her bed; her hand still in mine.  Mercifully, my jolt
didn’t rouse Nana, allowing me to watch her peaceful body rest.  Still groggy,
I’m pulled from my thoughts by two distinct voices entering the room.  Panic
encapsulates me, knowing it’s too late to flee.

“Mr. James, your
grandmother’s condition is stable for now.  We need to keep her sedated since
she’s intubated and we need to take her for additional testing to make sure the
infection hasn’t spread.  Her chest x-rays are a little cloudy and she isn’t
breathing completely on her own yet.  But that’s just a portion of the
problem.  I’d like to get an MRI which should give us the information we need.”

I rub my swollen
eyes and stand instantly.  Entering right after the doctor is my heart.  Sleep
deprived and just as handsome as ever.  His brown hair disheveled, his clothes
wrinkled, but even with dark circles under his eyes, it takes nothing away from
his vibrant blue irises.  I fidget with my hair, patting it to make sure it’s
not a complete mess before he notices me.  I may be a mess, inside and out, but
I can at least try to keep up appearances.

The doctor comes
to a halt when he notices me; Alex almost stumbles into him the back of him. 
Cocking his head to the right to peer over the doctor’s shoulder, Alex shudders
when he realizes what halted the doctor’s progression.  Me.  I should have
known he would be here.  He would never leave his grandmother, alone in the
hospital.  Frozen in space and time, we both stare at one another.  Green eyes
to blue.  Not sharing a single breath.  The doctor looks between the two of us,
but neither of us break our gaze.

“Hello, I’m Dr.
Statton.”  He extends his hand to me.  I tear my eyes away from Alex, allowing
myself a small breath, and shake the doctor’s hand.

“Elyssa Hart,
I’m a friend of the family.”  The instant the doctor releases my hand, my weary
eyes return to Alex and I’m not surprised at what I find.  Hands fisted, a
murderous look clouding his face, veins bulging on his forearms. 
This isn’t
going to be good.

“Nice to meet you,
Ms. Hart.  If you’ll excuse me, we need to take Mrs. James for her MRI.” 

Medical
personnel come in and get Nana’s bed ready for transport.  With my attention
solely transfixed on Alex, I barely notice the hustle and bustle going on in
the room.  Standing menacingly still against the wall, his fists rest against
his hips as he stares blankly at the ground.  Only when Nana passes him do his
eyes soften momentarily, leaning down to place a sweet kiss on her forehead. 

I’m not going to
lie and say I’m not afraid.  I knew the first time we saw each other again
would be awkward.  I knew Alex would be angry.  But when you add the additional
stress of Nana being in the hospital…that makes him volatile.  The instant the
door closes I expect him to unleash his fury.  Instead he crosses his arms and
leans against the wall.  When combined with the eerie silence of the room, his
glare directed exclusively on me is intimidating.  The muscles of his forearms
tense as he attempts to keep his rage under control.

We stare in
silence for an immeasurable amount of time.  What can I say? 
Hey Alex, it’s
been awhile, how’ve you been?
Or,
You’re pretty quick barefooted at
three in the morning. 
At this point anything I say will set him off. 

I might as well
get this over with.

Hoping that if I
stick with Nana as the topic, he’ll push aside any anger and resentment he has
about us.  I feel like we are divorced parents squabbling over a child.

I square my
shoulders and ask, “How is she?” 

“Why the fuck do
you care?” 
Never mind.  I guess he’s pissed either way.

“I’ve always
cared.  I love your grandmother.”  My voice is soft. 

“Ohhhhh!”  Alex
throws his hands up in the air as he shouts.  “So you love my grandmother, just
not me right?”  I wince as his voice escalates. 
Ouch, that one hurt.
 

Quickly looking
down at my tangled fingers, I whisper, “No, I love you both.”  Admitting my
feelings is probably not the best approach, but if that’s all I can give him
right now, he deserves some honesty. 

“You have a
fucked up way of showing it.  Why the fuck are you even here?” 

I’m not sure
what I expected from him, especially after I left him in the middle of the
night, but I guess I wasn’t even prepared a little.  It guts me because just a
moment ago, when I first saw him, I felt like I could breathe again.

“I went to your
house to see Nana and Delores told me she was in the hospital.  I came the minute
I found out.  I’m sorry, I should have…”  I shoulda, coulda, woulda.  Alex
isn’t going to care about all of the ifs, ands, or buts, that I should have
done.  He’s only going to care that I didn’t do anything.

“You would have
found out a lot sooner if you didn’t fucking cut me from your life like I meant
nothing.”  I shake my head.  The way he describes it sullies what we had.  He’s
acting as if I frivolously came up with this solution.  He doesn’t know I did
it for him.  I can only hope that one day I’ll be able to explain.  Regardless
though, now is neither the time, nor the place, to have this discussion.

 “I came to make
sure she was okay, but I’ll leave if you want me to.  I don’t want to argue
with you.”  I wait for a response, hoping beyond hope that he doesn’t kick me
out.  I know she isn’t coherent, but I didn’t get to say goodbye.  When no
words are spoken, I err on my continuously bad judgment, and keep speaking. 
“When did you get into town?”

“So you’re
saying if you knew I was here then you wouldn’t have come, huh?  Well thank you
for gracing us with your presence, your majesty.”  Alex’s statements are cruel
and each word causes me to recoil.  I know he’s speaking out of anger, but it
doesn’t make it any easier to stomach the venom he’s spewing.  “I’ve been back
since Monday.  I hopped on a plane the moment I found out about her.  That’s
what you do when you love people, Elyssa.  I know that might be farfetched for
someone like you, but…”

”Someone like
me?”  I’m deathly afraid of flying and I got on a damn plane for HIM.  He’s the
first man I ever loved and I walked away to protect HIM.  I’ve been struggling
to stay and yet I’m here with his grandmother because I love HIM.  “What’s that
supposed to mean?”

“It’s ironic
that your last name is Hart.  I mean, someone as heartless and cold as you
are…it’s kind of an oxymoron.”

“You know
what…I’m not going to sit here and take this.”  My voice is slightly elevated
as I try to bridle my own anger.  I know he’s hurting and I’m trying to be
understanding, but I can only be attacked for so long before I start fighting
back.  “You’ve been back since Monday and you’re talking to me about love?  Did
you even attempt to let me know?”