She's Asking for It! (5 page)

Just because she says she wants you to be more assertive, that doesn’t necessarily mean all the time - so if she’s in a romantic mood, it’s probably not the best moment to pull her hair. Likewise, if she’s breathing hard and scratching your back and being rough with you, and you respond by taking her face in her hands and kissing her gently while you’re inside of her, you’re missing the mark by a long shot.

This can be incredibly frustrating for a woman, especially if she is not used to having to explain herself in the bedroom, and in the case of consensual sexual aggression, it might be hard for her to talk about it outright, leaving her frustrated and flustered with your inability to read the signs. So how do we go about creating a sense of understanding, a shared sexual language if you will?

Her Rules

I know that you love your lady and that you want her to be open and honest with you. But when it comes to asking you to be assertive, there can be all kinds of conflicting feelings going on inside of her, and she is probably not quite sure how to broach the subject in a way that wouldn’t completely freak you out.

Let’s put it this way: Take a moment to think about what it’s like for you to get a blowjob. (Hey! Stay with me here.) A blowjob just plain feels good, right? It doesn’t have to be about love, admiration, mutual respect or any of the other things that makes your life with her so amazing. Those things are still there, but the pleasure of the experience can supersede some of your worries and fears.

This element of strange, of mystery, likely comes to you in the realization that the woman you love is exerting her time and energy in servicing you. While many women enjoy the act of giving this service, it’s not because of any kind of direct physical stimulation. If she gets off on going down, it’s because she loves the act of giving you pleasure as much as you love receiving it! This is actually one great way to start exerting a bit more control in your love life, but it can be a tough nut to crack, so to speak.

So you want to ask you wife or girlfriend to give you more blowjobs. Do you just come right out and say it? What if it makes her feel inferior, or like a bad sexual partner? What if she tells you to go to hell? What if she becomes convinced that you only like them because it puts you in a superior position?

You can see how you might feel conflicted about that. Breaching the great divide and coming right out to ask for what she wants is just as difficult for her as it is for you. She may be asking you to treat her like a sexual object, to talk to her like she’s a whore, or maybe get physically aggressive with her. You can only imagine the confusion she’s feeling about how to approach you with such a request.

She’s anxious. She doesn’t want to talk about it for hours, because that will kill the mood once you eventually do try it in the bedroom. She wants to make sure you understand that it’s
only
in the bedroom; then she feels bad, because she doesn’t want to suggest that trying something new is going to turn you into some kind of jerk; then she feels anxious again, because what if you do? What if you reject her idea and think she’s some kind of freak?

There is a lot going on in that pretty little head of hers, and she’s probably not telling you any of it right now.

For a certain kind of woman, there is also the issue of speaking up when it comes to sexual requests in general. She might not even know exactly what it is she wants, but she knows she’s been frustrated in bed lately. She’s simply not able to put words to the feeling she has, nor is she able to follow her own thought processes to their logical conclusion and bring up the possibility of exploring sex that might seem extreme or taboo for her.

In section two, for the women, we will discuss more in depth how she can learn to identify her boundaries and communicate them to you as effectively as possible. For now, what is important for you to do is learn how to recognize when she is uncomfortable, and encourage her to open up about her feelings, her needs and her desires.

After you have tried out a few of your more assertive moves during sex, it’s a good idea to see how she feels about it, and most importantly to ensure that she is being completely honest with you. Communication is crucial when it comes to this kind of sexual experimentation. Even if your girl wants it so bad it burns, remember that the mildest play of power can come with a lot of mental and emotional baggage. To make these games into the fun they are meant to be inside the bedroom, your feelings about them have to be addressed outside the bedroom.

Of course, you don’t want it to be like you’re having an operational debriefing! Stay physically connected when you talk, and try to use language that is both accurate and alluring. You want to keep the excitement and the passion alive, even when you’re just talking about it. Try taking turns describing a sexy scene, so you can identify any potential play that makes either of you uncomfortable. If she’s really not into it, you’ll know soon enough.

And if she isn’t into your style of sexual assertiveness, talk about it as openly as you can, and be understanding. Even if it was her idea, even if it seemed like she enjoyed it at the time, she might be uncomfortable after she’s thought about it a bit. Your job is to provide a safe, comfortable environment in which she can talk about how she feels. Don’t place blame and don’t try to push her boundaries when she is just trying to establish them for herself. These are the kinds of rules that get put in place for good reason. Don’t forget it.

Being supportive is important, too, especially if you are struggling with the communication bit. She might not know how to express herself, so ask gentle questions that can kind of lead her through the thought process. Be as clear and concise as you can be, and don’t try to put words in her mouth. It may take time, but she needs to have ownership of her feelings.

Trying to communicate while you’re in bed is a tricky thing, but it can take you to brand new places. There is something about combining communication with passion that can get the message across to each other in a way a “normal” conversation just can’t.

For example, say you’ve agreed to experiment with some assertive control. If you’re both on the same wavelength, there can be a real give and take that can be actually quite exciting - a bit of, “You like that? You want it rougher, baby? You want me to call you a slut, is that what you want?” Can be replied to by a “Yes, yes, YES!” or an equally breathless and hot, “No, give it to me slow now, Sugar, nice and smooth.” or “Tell me you love me,. Tell me I’m your baby.”

Don’t expect all of your rules to be of the “hard and fast” variety, pun intended. Both of your desires will change, based on the given situation and mood. Just learn to roll with it!

Your Rules

Later on in this book, I’m going to talk to you about the specifics of alpha male bedroom behavior, so don’t worry too much about the moves for right now. First it’s important that we address how to communicate in the bedroom in a way that makes you both feel comfortable without blowing the whole vibe.

Real-time demonstration and reinforcement are two ways to keep the mood buzzing along while figuring out if what you’re doing is working for you or not. Let’s take a look at what that means for you both.

Some people mistakenly think that male assertiveness in the bedroom is the equivalent of “Bitch, make me a sandwich.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. As I’ve said before, I want to stress that this has nothing to do with the fact that equality is the foundation of any strong relationship. When you’re experimenting with assertiveness in the bedroom, however, it’s important to communicate with your partner. This lets her know what you’re up to, and that you’re not going overboard. It also allows her to have the confidence to speak up if she’s uncomfortable.

A way to do this while keeping things hot and getting her involved is by demonstration. For example, say you want her to give you a blowjob in a particular way. Instead of explaining it, tell her you want a blowjob “like this” – and then go down on her to show her the rhythm or tongue trick you might want. This makes it a mutual pleasure-seeking activity while playing the assertive role.

Another example of staying in the moment while making subtle adjustments or directing what’s going on is when she’s uncomfortable with something you’re doing. Say you’re having “doggie-style” sex and you’re pulling her hair, and she says, “OUCH!” in a way that is not part of the sexy vibe. Don’t panic – the mood isn’t ruined! Stop pulling, then run your fingers through her hair. Then, gradually build back up to pulling, but not so hard. And no need to fumble or apologize; a simple, “OK, Baby” will suffice. Use your actions more than words or explanations, and you’ll soon see you will have developed a language all your own.

A debriefing afterward doesn’t have to be so clinical, either – keep the talk brief and in the moment. Instead of saying, “I hope I wasn’t too rough” or apologizing for something she hasn’t even brought up, keep a subtle air of alpha male where this is concerned.

Talk about the things that you really liked and give her the space to give her honest opinion. Let her know that it’s a mutual pleasure that is derived from this experimentation, while letting her know that even though you’re in charge, it’s all being done in a safe environment. If there was anything you tried that didn’t work for you, talk about that as well and explore why it isn’t sitting right.

Every once in a while, you might feel that, once you’ve gotten yourselves into acting out this scenario, one or both of you are simply not into it. You might take one look at each other and say, “This is ridiculous!” Just get used to it and learn to laugh it off. Not everything works for everyone, but what is important is to keep the lines of communication open so there is no misunderstanding about why one particular thing isn’t working and another is. If you’re not feeling it, let her know – after sex. Ask her first what she thought about it, and adjust how you talk about it accordingly.

If she says, “That was fantastic!” then you can express your happiness that she loved it, but be open and say what you didn’t like about it. Maybe it made you uncomfortable, or you felt like you were assaulting her, or it just plain didn’t excite you. Be sure to phrase your concerns as “I” statements: “I felt a bit ____ when I ____, because I ____.”

If she seems less than enthused about what you’ve done together, then ask her what would really turn her on. Encourage her to be open with you. After all, you’re here to help! Get her to open up about exactly what her fantasy entails, and promise to make it happen the next time. The most important thing is that she feels safe and comfortable.

You also might feel like you got way too into it. It can be scary, feeling as if you are losing yourself in a character. If this is the case, you really should take the time to think about where these feelings come from. Perhaps you’re feeling a bit underappreciated in the relationship, or you simply don’t spend enough time on activities that are good outlets for aggression and negative emotions. If you ever feel like you’re doing something
to
her instead of
with
her – if you get the urge to cause her pain or to put her down verbally – then stop and take a step back.

I’m not saying you’re in trouble. It’s simply that playing with the dynamics of your relationship might have consequences, and you need to be aware of how it makes you feel when you’re participating in a sexual experiment that addresses these dynamics.