She's Asking for It! (4 page)

That’s just a partial list. My point is that it’s totally OK to be feeling shy about having any sex at all, let alone any kind of experimental sex. It’s normal and healthy and blah, blah, blah. OK. Here’s the hard truth: The time for coddling is over. I can go on and on about why it’s OK for you to feel the way you feel, but the fact of the matter is that it’s time to suck it up, get over it and start living the life you really want! So let’s do it!

The Guilt Factor

We talked a bit already about the reasons it might seem strange or difficult for you to understand your woman’s desire to be dominated, but we didn’t really touch on how to
get over
those feelings. How do you stop feeling guilty for all the women out there who were (and still are) oppressed and abused, when your partner wants you to do something that you feel is contributing to that dynamic?

First off, sit down and take a good look at her. You love her, right? More importantly, you
trust
her. When she tells you that she feels a certain way, you believe her (if not, we’ll be working on communication later, because this is imperative to success). When she tells you that she wants something, can you trust that she knows what’s best for her own well-being? If this is a big problem for you, it may be helpful to embody The Giver at first. Remind yourself that this is what
she
wants and desires. She is a normal, healthy, wonderful woman and she loves you. She wouldn’t ask you to do something that would harm her, would she? Good. So get over it!

The Warrior’s Honor

If your woman trusts you enough to ask you to do this amazing thing for your love life, she also needs to trust you. The alpha male of an animal pack has that role because the rest of the pack trusts him to make the right decisions. If he doesn’t, serious complications with the health and veracity of the pack can arise. The same is true of your relationship. If you are going to be in control of any aspect of your relationship, even if it’s just 30 minutes in the bedroom every once in a while, you better know what you’re doing. Don’t take on more responsibility than you can handle.

In Japan, Bushido (“The Way of the Warrior”) exalts seven virtues of the warrior archetype. All of these can apply just as easily to modern-day relationships as they once applied to ancient battlefields.

·
     
Rectitude: “Rightness of principle or practice; exact conformity to truth, or to the rules prescribed for moral conduct, either by divine or human laws; (moral) uprightness.” In other words, when you make rules and boundaries, a warrior follows them.

·
     
Courage: “The quality of a confident character not to be afraid or intimidated easily but without being incautious or inconsiderate.” A man with courage is sure of himself, but not so much that he does something stupid. He not only knows when to take a flying leap, but also when he shouldn’t.

·
     
Benevolence: “A desire to do good to others; goodwill; charitableness.” Another remnant of the provider archetypes we discussed, a warrior wishes to work toward the betterment of his relationship, not his own personal gains.

·
     
Respect: “An attitude of consideration or high regard.” If she doesn’t think highly of you, you’ll have a hard time playing a dominant role. Find out which of your traits she loves the most and learn to accentuate them!

·
     
Honesty: “The act, quality, or condition of being truthful.” This doesn’t just mean answering her questions when she asks them, but offering up new information when it comes to light, being comfortable talking about how you feel. Yes, even alpha males discuss their feelings!

·
     
Loyalty: “Faithful in allegiance and fidelity with those to whom he has made any solemn vow.” When you make a promise, keep it. If you don’t think you can keep a promise, don’t make it in the first place. If the situation changes and you’re worried you won’t be able to make a promise you have already made, step back to honesty and tell her.

·
     
Honor: “Integrity; high public esteem; fame; glory.” If you can be the warrior in all other aspects, maintaining your own personal integrity at all times, you will without any doubt attain fame and glory in her eyes.

You may not think of yourself as a warrior, but there is one important aspect to remember about honor in battle and how it relates to sex: a warrior does not prey on the weak; quite the opposite! A true warrior relishes the challenge of battling someone who is his equal, of fighting and coming out on top (or losing honorably). If you are indeed a man of the modern era with respect for feminist issues and a belief that your partner is a strong and confident woman, you will see the parallels here. Think of your wife as the warrior who will fight and lose with honor, and you the warrior who will fight and win. It may even be fun to go into the battle not knowing who will come out on top! Either way, prepare to unsheathe your sword, good soldier! This is one battle that is going to be a lot of fun.

Confidence and Charisma, Vision and Victory

The key to letting go of your shyness and embracing the way of the warrior is not to think about the actual sex part. Bear with me here. Sex doesn’t start in the bedroom. The sooner you realize this, the easier this process will be. Before you jump into the sack and start making your moves, you need to work your way up to it by gaining your confidence (and lighting her sexual fires) in other ways.

• Start by being more physical with her during non-sexual times; a hand on the shoulder when she stands in front of you in line at the movies, a touch on the back as you pass in the hallway or the kitchen, taking her hand or linking arms when you’re walking together down the street.
  

• Kiss her! There are a million different ways to kiss her. Don’t be apologetic or shy about taking a moment to spin her around, pull her into your arms and kiss her. It will not only make you feel less shy, but it will also boost your alpha male status in her eyes (which is what really matters)! Don’t just go in for the peck on the lips and turn away. Take a moment to look her in the eyes and when she asks, “What was that for?” be sure to tell her it was for no other reason than that she’s your woman and she’s beautiful.
  

• Waiting in line at the movies? Standing at the kitchen sink? Making the bed? Take advantage of these times to bear hug her from behind and give a little nuzzle to her neck. Again, it will make you more comfortable being physical and asserting yourself with her, not to mention reminding her that you’re thinking about her.
  

• To kick it up a notch and get you back in the game, go for some light making out when there’s no chance of it leading to sex; in the car before going into a restaurant, in the hallway by the bathrooms at the bar, at a dinner party, by the pool or out in the garden. Just about any place you can think of that wouldn’t make either of you uncomfortable or embarrassed is the perfect spot to turn up the heat without raising the pressure!
  

This last one also helps show a little bit more assertiveness. If she starts to pull away a bit, pull her closer and keep going a little bit longer than she wants. You decide when it’s time to stop, Alpha!

As for getting down in the sack, lengthy foreplay is best to overcome shyness. Take your time; make out with your woman like it’s your job (and you actually enjoy it)! Make out until neither of you can stand it anymore. Even if she seems overly ready to take it to the next level, even if she’s pleading with you, tell her you’re not quite done with her yet and really drive her wild.

When you’re both super ready to have sex, shyness will be the last thing on your mind, I assure you. It will also boost your confidence to have a woman begging you to be inside her. What a great way to start moving in on alpha male territory in the bedroom!

I’d like to say a word or two about talking to your partner about your shyness. Obviously this might be difficult to do! And while I advocate open communication, sometimes talking about shyness in the bedroom can make it become a much larger issue than it needs to be. Don’t try to do it right before you start making out, or while you’re lying in bed together. Try talking about it in completely nonsexual settings; at the dinner table, during commercial breaks, or right after having sex as the energy is dissipating. This might sound strange, but it’s a good time to open up about the feelings you’re having and there is not going to be much pressure to start having sex again. This can also start a discussion about how she can help you work it out, which is a wonderful time to bring up assertiveness. You can tell her what you want to have happen during your next roll in the hay, and you can get around to calling the shots in a way that completely has her on your side.

Chapter Five - Staying Inside the Lines

When it comes to exploring and enjoying sex, there is one important thing to remember: sexual experience isn’t just about how many people you’ve bedded, or how many different positions you’ve tried! Couple’s who have made their sex lives work long-term realize that sexual experience isn’t just about knowing what you like, but also being able to communicate those desires to your partner
and
pick up on her subtle communications too.

If you happen to be sexually inexperienced – and let’s face it, in a culture that seems built on the breakdown of communication, a lot of people are – there might be a few ways in which you are not responding to your partner’s cues about her desires. Whether you are timid in the bedroom, out of a fear of doing something wrong, or you just haven’t yet got the knack of reading her signals, it can be tough to know exactly how to please a woman in bed if you haven’t ever had to sit down and really figure out how to get messages across that great gender divide.

Inexperience can lead to a lack of attention to the signs a woman might be giving her partner, subtle signals that can be easy to miss. For obvious reasons, it can be incredibly intimidating for a woman to come right out and say, “Slam me up against that wall and do me good and hard!” But she might utter an excited cry, or say “Yes, more,” and her partner might not have the depth of understanding to equate her words directly to what he is or isn’t doing.

For more experienced men, there might be some confusion in their bedroom tactics that can lead to his partner’s dissatisfaction. They say women are like snowflakes – no two are alike – and that couldn’t be truer than in the bedroom. You may have tried something with a past lover that drove her completely wild, but when you try the same move on your current partner, she cringes, pulls away and runs screaming from the room! That might be an extreme example of a woman’s reaction – she may not react at all, one way or the other, which usually isn’t a good sign either - but it’s not too far off the mark in terms of the visceral reaction women have when they are making love and are brought abruptly “out of the zone.” Such a mood-killer can really put a dent in a man’s self-esteem.

The problem in this kind of situation is general, formulaic sex. Instead of paying attention to the woman right in front of your face, you are running a program from the sexual playbook in your head. Giving your woman everything she wants from your sexual experiences means not only paying attention to her immediate reactions to every touch, sight and sound she experiences, but taking into consideration the type of person she is every day, inside and outside of the bedroom.