She's Asking for It! (6 page)

You might find during the course of your lovemaking that you fantasize about being this way with another woman. This is completely normal and healthy for a sexually active man. You don’t need to feel like you’re “cheating” on her or that something is wrong with you because it excites you more to think about this other woman while being with your own partner.

Again, this goes back to the dynamic at play when you’re experimenting in your love life. Because you are not, I am assuming, a brutish male who stomps all over women’s hearts, in essence you are creating a type of role to play while you’re fulfilling your partner’s alpha male fantasies. In the course of playing that role, it might make you feel like a different man. In this role, it’s natural for you to perhaps think about being with a different woman.

No one is arguing that it can be hard for a man to be anything less than 100 percent respectful, even deferential to his woman during lovemaking. Perhaps it’s just easier to imagine your partner as someone else, so you can treat her differently than in your day-to-day life.

Or, you might just like fantasizing about other women! Again, perfectly normal. Your partner may not want to talk to you about all the other women floating around in your head, but for most men it’s completely natural.

Compromise

No matter what you do, you must learn to come to compromises. Sometimes your partner may want to try something that you just aren’t really into. If you are truly uncomfortable, be sure to express that, but try to explore your feelings deeper. Maybe there is some alternative that would allow her to have a similar experience, without making you feel too strange. If the tables are turned, don’t turn on the pressure. Move at a pace that is comfortable for her and allow her to decide when the time is right to try something new. Most importantly, enjoy! Spend lots of time talking about how awesome your sex life is, because those kinds of compliments never get stale!

Chapter Six - Power and Control

The balance of power and control can be a fine line to walk, especially if you’re still feeling a bit shy and unsure of yourself. In this chapter we get to explore some exercises, tips and tricks you can use to get things going in the right direction!

Finding Your Power

Before you take the big step to implementing assertion inside the bedroom, it’s important that you really
feel
the power you want to exert. If you don’t feel it, she won’t either, so let’s get started with just a little bit of soul-searching. Trust me; it will be totally worth the pay off.

First and foremost, let’s take a look at the things you believe. Your thoughts and ideas about yourself, your woman and your relationship will define your ability to act in specific ways. If you do not believe in your own power to please your partner, than she won’t either. Becoming assertive isn’t just about putting on a character; it is about believing in yourself! So what do you believe about yourself? Take a few moments and write down some things that you believe about your own personality and ability. Do any of these beliefs limit your ability to feel powerful and in control? What about the things you are convinced are true about your partner and your relationship? What is standing in your way when it comes to feeling cool, calm and confident?

When you have a list of at least a few things (or a whole page – just keep going until you run out of ideas!), it is time to change your mind about these things. Can you think of any situations in your past where the statements of belief you have written are not true? If not, can you think of situations in your future – things that you or your partner wants to happen – where you can imagine yourself defying these beliefs? Use these images to place a seed of doubt in your mind regarding each and every one of your limiting beliefs. When this is done, go back to each point you have made about your beliefs and rewrite them to reflect a stronger, more confident and more powerful version of yourself. These are your new daily affirmations. You are going to say these things to yourself every day until you truly believe them (just try to do it in the privacy of the bathroom, or your car on the way to work, because it’s probably not the powerful persona you want to demonstrate to your woman)!

Let me give you an example. Let’s say one of your limiting beliefs is:

“Being assertive with my wife makes me nervous, because I’m afraid that I will hurt her.”

Think about this for a few minutes. Have you ever wanted your woman so badly that you just had to have her, right then and there, so you just went for it with all your passion? Has she ever gotten on top and rode you like there was no tomorrow? Has she ever said, “Oh, yes, harder!” in the heat of the moment, and you obliged? If not, can you see these things happening in your head and going well? Imagine it, see it, make it happen … then rewrite this belief.

“I can be assertive and powerful with my wife,
and
be attentive to her physical pleasure.” Make sense? Good! Keep it up until you really believe that you are a strong, powerful, competent lover who can give your partner exactly what she wants and needs in the bedroom!

Our next little experiment is with delayed gratification. This one is great, because you can practice it with your partner or by yourself, and even in completely nonsexual situations. There is a reason why so many women are convinced that they are the ones with the power in the relationship, and why they crave their men taking some of that power back. When it comes to the “big payoff” of sex, orgasm, a lot of women can take it or leave it, enjoying sex without orgasm and taking vast amounts of pleasure from the simple experience of touch.

Men, on the other hand, tend to race barreling toward orgasm as if their lives depend on it! The men who come across as the most powerful and assertive are the ones who go into sex knowing that they are going to have an orgasm, and take their time to get there. Don’t act as if you have to get off as quickly as possible, just in case she runs out screaming in the middle of it, leaving you hanging on the edge! Passion and primal lust is sexy, but for both of those things to be really effective, you need to be experiencing them
in the moment
, not jumping ahead to what’s going to happen five minutes from now.

Start practicing delayed gratification in completely mundane settings. When you finish dinner and dessert is sitting there, eyeing you from the table, just let it sit there. Get up and make coffee, go for a leisurely walk, have a conversation with your partner or better yet, enjoy a few moments cuddling and kissing on the couch! The dessert is still there, waiting for you. It isn’t going anywhere. Just like your inevitable orgasm during sex, you don’t have to spend every second thinking about it, drooling over it and trying to get every bite in your mouth as quickly as possible. That sweet taste will be even better when you’ve waited long enough to really build up an appetite.

When it does come down to sex, you don’t want to act aloof about your orgasm. It is a confident, not an uncaring attitude that you’re aiming for here. Something like, “I can’t wait to fill you up … but first I’m going to make you come so hard you scream!” is a great way to let her know that you have the power to orgasm whenever you want, but you want
her
pleasure all for yourself too. You have the power. How are you going to use it?

That brings us to the one rule of personal power. When it comes to assertive sex (and I mean that – do not take this as full-time, all-round relationship advice, because it isn’t) … ask no permissions, and make no apologies. This is not a lesson in being a total jerk. This is all about language and learning to rework yours.

When it comes to sex, there is a big difference between, “Do you want to masturbate for me?” and “I want to see you play with yourself. Spread your legs and let me see you.” I’m not saying that there is no good time to ask a question during sex, but for the most part, if you want to sound assertive, try rephrasing your questions as statements. Instead of
asking
her if she likes something,
tell her
to describe how it feels. If you have no idea what to do next, or she mentions that something isn’t working, don’t apologize in the heat of the moment (if it’s really necessary, you can talk about it afterward). Say something like, “Tell me what kind of nasty things you want me to do to you now.” This sort of phrasing lets you ask her a question, but disguised in a command that reiterates the fact that
you
are the one with the power.

Exerting Control

With great power comes great responsibility. There are several ways to use your power to create an environment that gives you some element of control. Understanding this control and wielding it careful is an incredibly important aspect of any kind of power play.

There are three different types of communication when it comes to sending signals of control – conscious, subconscious and unconscious. For really effective assertive lovemaking, you should try to address all three levels. Let’s share some examples of each.

First off, conscious control is the most obvious stuff, anything you do because you know she likes it. While it is the most obvious of levels, it is often colored by less conscious influences.

Subconscious control is a bit subtler. These are the kinds of things that are based on memories, habits and old emotions that the conscious has allowed to recede into the back of the mind. Learning to control your own subconscious habits – facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. – can be a powerful way to allow your woman to feel your assertive power. So, too, does she have triggers that may be buried in her subconscious – a certain kind of touch, specific words. When you learn her subconscious triggers, you can consciously decide to activate them. Simple word or touch associations can also be “programmed” to make her orgasms more powerful. We’ll talk more about those techniques later in the couple’s section. For now, just let the idea percolate.

Finally, unconscious aspects of the psyche are those parts formed through evolution – our instincts, our survival drives, hormones and hunger, pleasure and pain. It may seem strange, but your partner’s desire for you to exert a bit of power over her stems from this animalistic drive. It used to be that humans, in our primal days, got lots of adrenaline stimulation from the thrill of the chase, the hunt, from drumming and dancing to animalistic theatrical rites and sacred sexual rituals. Without any of this heart-thumping excitement, it’s no wonder that men and women the world over are craving a little bit something more in the bedroom.

There are four steps to exerting control. While it may not always happen in the bedroom, there are going to be certain situations where being assertive just isn’t appropriate. Talk about these things early on and go slowly in any situation that isn’t directly leading to sex. If you are in public, or in a mundane day-to-day situation, it might just not work very well. The steps are simple and when you get the hang of it, nearly entirely subconscious.

1.
  
Offer Control: No matter what happens, you can’t take control of a situation if your woman isn’t willing to give it to you. Whether it’s a specific verbal offer, a kind of attitude or demeanor, a position she takes or just a look that you learn to recognize … you want her to give you the go ahead before moving on to the next step.

2.
  
Take Control: We’ve gone over a few different ways you can take control once it’s been offered – a touch, an instruction, any kind of concrete action. Your partner needs to be absolutely sure that you have accepted her offer if you want to move on to the next step.