Authors: Janine A. Morris
She's No Angel (12 page)
“And you don't have to worry about losing me. You never had meâwhoever the real you is,” Isaac added right before he walked out the door.
Men can be so evil. When they are hurt, they only know how to lash out and hurt right back. He said everything he could think of to make Charlene feel lower than low, and even worse than she already did. It definitely worked, too. As soon as Isaac shut the door, Charlene's heart just dropped inside her stomach. The pain ran so deep that her first major sob was silent. It was as if she was gasping for air. Finally she caught her breath and just let out a loud, screechy sob. She knew Isaac had a right to be upset. The reality was he had even made some true points. All except the one that she was just a lying bitch. Charlene knew it wasn't that, although that is how it seemed. It was fear, fear he wouldn't accept her. She knew that was no excuse at this point and he probably wouldn't want to hear that. She also knew the curse of getting caught in lies is that nothing you say after that is credible. Even the truth is a lie after that.
Chapter 21
T
he next morning, Charlene woke up a complete mess. She had cried nonstop for hours, crying her soul out. It wasn't even just pain from the harsh things Isaac said; it was the pain from knowing he was right.
he next morning, Charlene woke up a complete mess. She had cried nonstop for hours, crying her soul out. It wasn't even just pain from the harsh things Isaac said; it was the pain from knowing he was right.
She staggered into the bathroom and slowly walked in front of the mirror. She was a sight to see, her face and eyes puffy from the rough night. Her mascara had run down her face, and her hair was wild all over her head. Although she was awake, she wasn't ready to face the world. She didn't want to be bothered with anybody or anything. She couldn't have been happier that it was a Saturday morning and she didn't have to go to work. If it had been a workday, she surely would have had to call in sick, she was in no mood or condition to work on anything in that office.
She hadn't spoken to Isaac since he left. She didn't even bother to call him, and of course he didn't call her. She washed her face with some Dove soap as she tried to think on her own what to do next. Through the night all she did was cry, she couldn't even begin to think of what she should or shouldn't do next. Now that she was done sobbing and a little more alive, she knew it was time to make some decisions. As Charlene washed her face with the washcloth, she watched her every movement in the mirror. She watched herself wash her face in a way that she never had before. She stared at herself in the mirror, straight into her own eyes. It was as if she was trying to find something within herself, she was trying to see the real Charlene.
Once she had shaken off some of her self-pity, she went ahead and called Paige. She would have called her last night but just couldn't pull herself together. She wanted to let her know that it had hit the fan, but she needed time to be able to tell the story clearly.
“Hey, why you sound like that?” Paige asked as soon as she heard Charlene's voice through the phone.
“Take a wild guess,” Charlene replied.
“What? Isaac?” Paige asked.
“Yeah, let's just say I'm no longer his little princess, now I'm a lying, dirty ho.”
“Did he say that to you?” Paige asked.
“Pretty much.”
“What happened?”
“He was asking questions again, and then he started getting upset when I told him I didn't make the appointment ... Before I knew itâI just told him everything.”
“Everything?” Paige asked in shock.
“Everything ... about the abortion ... everything.”
“Whoa ... And he was mad?”
“Was he? He said that not only was I really a ho, but I was going to actually let him try to have kids with me knowing I couldn't and that was the worst part of it all.”
“Aww, Charlene. I feel so bad for him. He is probably so hurt.”
“For him!” Charlene blurted out. “What about for me?” she continued.
“You, too, but he probably really feels terrible and deceived. With everything with his father and now to find this out.”
“Are you trying to make me feel better or worse, Paige?”
“I'm sorry, Leen. I don't know, though. We knew he was going to be upset initially, you should just give him time to calm down.”
“I just hope that he does calm down, that's all.”
“How did it end? Like when he left, what was the last note?”
“He said some nasty things and walked out. We haven't spoken since,” Charlene said.
“It was probably just hurt and anger. You should call him and let him know you're sorry.”
“I just don't know if that's enough.”
“It's definitely a start, call me back when you're done talking to him.”
“What if he doesn't forgive me?”
“He will, he would be a fool if he calls off the engagement over something that happened over a decade ago.”
“He wouldn't be a fool, though, if he called it off over his inability to trust me now or the fact that I can't give him kids.”
Paige didn't respond right away. They both knew that Isaac had every right to be as pissed off as he wanted to be. Even though Paige was trying to be nice, even she knew that Isaac would be far from a fool if he called off the engagement. He would actually be a bigger one if he went on like nothing had happened.
“Don't worry yourself about that, Charlene, he is probably just upset right now and is probably not even thinking that way,” Paige finally said.
“Yeah, that's what I would wish.”
“Either way, you have to be prepared for whatever ways he is going to express his anger, because you can understand he is right to feel this way.”
“I know, I just wish I didn't open my big mouth.”
“Charlene ... It was bound to happen. I don't know why you just thought you could live a lie ... and such a big one at that.”
“Whatever, Paige ... I don't need a lecture right now.”
“I'm not lecturing you, I'm just sayingâdon't regret it. Be happy it's finally out, and you guys can move on from here.”
“Yeah, I guess ... Let me go. I have to fix something to eat. I haven't eaten since yesterday,” Charlene said.
“OK, bye,” Paige replied.
After hanging up the phone, Charlene didn't head toward the kitchen right away. She sat on the edge of her bed thinking about what Paige had said. This could actually be a good thing, she thought to herself. She could finally be herself and not have to feel afraid that anyone or anything could blow her up to Isaac. She could actually feel better marrying a man who knew the real her. Of course, if they could get past this.
Eventually, after she stopped daydreaming, she headed toward the kitchen. She looked in the refrigerator, and there was nothing simple to eat. She was in the mood for some bacon, was in no mood to cook. So she pulled out the milk, opened up her cabinet and got out some Fruity Pebbles. She went in the living room with her big bowl of cereal and sat in front of the television. Once she nestled into the couch cushions, and turned on the television she began to chow down on her cereal. After the second bite, she didn't want it anymore. She looked at it once or twice and tried to take one more bite. Then she headed back to the kitchen to make her bacon. She dumped the bowl of cereal, and started getting a pan out for the bacon and toast she was about to make instead.
Charlene realized about midway through preparing her new breakfast that she had been awake almost an hour, and hadn't cried or called Isaac. She wanted to call him, but she was beyond afraid. Charlene wasn't one to handle the truth well. Facing reality head on wasn't her forte. Still, she knew that she would have to address it at some point. She just hadn't had any time to consider what she was going to say, or if she wanted to address it sooner than later. So when Isaac called he threw her off once again. Her phone rang just as she was placing the bacon in the skillet. She was actually excited to see that he had called her, and she was hoping that he was calling to apologize and make up.
“Hey,” she said in a low tone.
“Hey,” he said in a not-so-low tone.
Charlene could tell from his voice that he was still upset.
“Hi,” she said.
“You just waking up?” he asked.
“No ... Isaac, I was gonna call you butâ”
“Nah, don't worry about that ... I just wanted to come by there ... I forgot my ring last night.”
Charlene froze. Her heart stopped and she just stood there with her mouth open for a second. Spatula in one hand, phone in the other, just still.
“Your ring?” she finally asked.
“Yeah, my ring ... the one on your finger ... and some other things I need to get as well.”
Charlene didn't even know what to say. Of course she knew that the incident from the night before would be something that could cause a major problem for them, and she even knew that it was grounds for a breakup. Still, for some reason she hadn't prepared herself for it. Even through all the crying and fear of losing him the night before, she hadn't gotten her mind around the thought that he would actually do it. It was like one of those things you say, but you don't really mean. Except this wasn't her call to make, and she was so not ready to give in.
“Isaac, please don't do this,” she said after a long pause.
“Don't do what?” he asked with an obvious attitude.
“Don't do this to us ... I am sorry. I know I was wrong for not telling you, andâ”
“Really, Charlene, I don't want to hear it.”
“Can you just hear me out, Isaac?”
“No, I can't. I don't want to hear anything you have to say.”
“Are you serious, Isaac?”
“Dead serious ... Now, can you just gather my things for me, so I can come by and get them ... ? And can you put the ring in the box it came in for me, please?”
“So, are you calling off our engagement, Isaac ... just like that?”
“Is that what it sounds like? If it walks like a duck, and quacks likeâ”
“Oh, you think this is funny, Isaac. Did you ever stop to consider how I feel?”
“I don't think it's funny, not one bit. That's why, no, I haven't stopped to consider what you feel ...”
Charlene could tell she was fighting a brick wall. Isaac was mad, and there probably wasn't much she could say at this point to calm him down. She also knew she wasn't trying to take her ring off her finger.
“Isaac, we owe it to ourselves to at least talk about this.”
“You can talk all you want, but I have nothing to say and don't want to hear you. So go talk to them niggas you were fucking ... not me.”
“Isaac, you act like I was cheating on you. This was all before I even knew you.”
“Uh-huh ... What about all your lies ... ? That was all while you knew me.”
“Isaac, I understand I should have been honest, but when I met you I didn't know that I would fall in love with you or be with you like that. I didn't know that you were going to ask me to marry you.”
“So you built our whole relationship on lies, because you didn't know if I was just another notch on your belt?”
“It wasn't like that, Isaac ... I'm not that proud of things I did when I was younger, and I just don't likeâ”
Just as Charlene thought she was about to be able to have the talk she had been wanting to have with Isaac for quite some time, he cut her off again.
“Please!” he blurted out. “Save all of that feelings and shame stuff. I'm not hearing it. You had years to tell me that, and I really don't want to hear it now that you're caught out.”
“Why you trying to make me sound so terrible. . . ? I'm still the same woman you knew for all this time.”
“I don't know you.”
Charlene's heart fell when she heard that. It went through her like a knife, the pain that he could even say that to her. Here he was the man that she was supposed to marry, and he just said he didn't even know her. What could she say to that? She knew that this wasn't going to be something she could sweet talk her way out of. She also knew that he had finally realized what she had known all along. Charlene decided to stop even trying to argue with him. Regardless of whether he was right or not, he was being an asshole and she wasn't feeling his attitude one bit.
“Fine, Isaac, see you soon,” she responded.
Chapter 22
T
he arrangement Isaac and Charlene made ended up being that he would come by in two hours and she would have the stuff all gathered for him to just grab and go. Charlene decided that she wasn't going to make it that easy. In the time she had, she contemplated whether she should let him go for now and let him cool down and see what he did, or forgo the risk and fight for him right then and there. She figured since she was the one to blame for them being in that crap, that she would go ahead and do the latter. She figured she should just put all her pride aside and go for it. She even thought to herself at one point that she understood how girls try to trap men with babies because she truly wished she was able to get pregnant so she could be pregnant and make him stay.
he arrangement Isaac and Charlene made ended up being that he would come by in two hours and she would have the stuff all gathered for him to just grab and go. Charlene decided that she wasn't going to make it that easy. In the time she had, she contemplated whether she should let him go for now and let him cool down and see what he did, or forgo the risk and fight for him right then and there. She figured since she was the one to blame for them being in that crap, that she would go ahead and do the latter. She figured she should just put all her pride aside and go for it. She even thought to herself at one point that she understood how girls try to trap men with babies because she truly wished she was able to get pregnant so she could be pregnant and make him stay.
The table in the foyer was covered with mail that Charlene hadn't tended to just yet. There were two of her light jackets lying over the chair that was in the corner, and a glass and a plate on the coffee table. Charlene definitely could have used some tidying up but she had been so preoccupied with everything that was going on she hadn't found a chance. The curtains were drawn back, letting the sunlight inside her living room, but it had no effect on Charlene's mood. Charlene could hear the neighborhood kids having a good time outside, but inside her apartment she was sitting down sulking, trying to figure out exactly what she was going to do. Unfortunately, she didn't have enough time to figure that out.
When he walked in he didn't use his key, he rang the doorbell. She was expecting that he would, so she was in the bedroom waiting for him. When she heard the bell she had to go get the door, ruining her chance to lure him farther into the apartment. She had already freshened up and got as casually cute as possible. When she went to the door, she had no idea how she should greet him. Throughout their whole relationship, they had never faced such a big issue and she had no idea what she was in for. Still, she was wishfully thinking that his coming by to get his stuff so soon was an excuse, and that he really wanted to work things out and have great make-up sex. She opened the door and watched him walk in, right by her. She wasn't expecting a kiss or anything, but a hello would have been nice.
He walked past her and stood on the other side of the entryway. He didn't go to the living room or anything, he was making it very clear that he wasn't there to stay and he wanted his bag she was supposed to have for him.
“I got tied up and I wasn't able to get all of your things,” she said as she noticed he wasn't budging.
“Come on, Charlene!” he said.
She knew it would frustrate him, but she figured she had nothing to lose at that point.
“What? I put these two shirts right here,” she said as she pointed to the two shirts lying over a chair. “But I didn't get to finish,” she continued.
“Fine, Charlene,” he said as he walked off to get the rest of his stuff. Charlene had no master plan. She wished she could have bolted the door and never let him out. She knew she had to work a miracle to get Isaac to give her even an ounce of sympathy. He was in the living room getting some DVDs of his, and she went and sat on the edge of the couch closest to him.
“Isaac, is there a way we can talk for one second?”
“No ... and I know that's why you didn't get my stuff together ... You figured you would try to prolong my stay here so you could feed me more of your bullshit. Don't even try it because I'm not hearing anything you have to say.”
Charlene couldn't believe that he was really acting like this. She never knew that Isaac had such a mean streak. She felt like he did, actually, like she didn't know this him either.
“So, you're going to walk out that door, and never talk to me again, is that your plan?” she asked.
Isaac didn't respond.
“Isaac? Is that your plan ... just end it just like this?”
Still nothing came from Isaac. He walked across the living room and picked up items that belonged to him as he went. He took his DVDs that were lying on top of the entertainment center and one or two of his CDs that were close by. He went in the bedroom after he was done walking through the living room. Charlene followed him to the bedroom and watched him as he looked for his belongings. After he threw a few shirts on the bed, he headed back toward the doorway. Charlene was startled as he approached her and she subtly moved out of his way. She didn't know what he was doing but she was wishfully thinking that he would change his mind about getting his stuff.
Unfortunately, he headed right back with a plastic bag and took some clothes and some other items that he really didn't need. He was there to make the wound worse, or just for his ring. The whole show was making her angry. She knew she was wrong, but she felt she was entitled to at least a chance to explain herself. He was treating her like she was really some street prostitute he cared nothing about, and it hurt. The more she watched him ignore her, the more she hurt. Before she knew it, the floods came. Her eyes started welling up, and the tears began to fall. She was trying to be discreet, but she knew that Isaac had noticed. He just didn't care.
He had finally finished what he was doing and then he stood by the door. She looked up and saw that he was waiting.
“You're done?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he replied.
“OK,” she said as she walked toward the door to let him out.
“The ring ...” he said before he even stepped another foot.
She actually had momentarily forgotten, even though she was sure it seemed as if she was hoping he would forget.
Charlene looked at him. She didn't say anything, and she didn't make any facial hints. She just gave him a blank stare. She was all out of thoughts, and she didn't have a clue about how to gain control of the situation.
“Isaac ... ?” she began.
“Charlene!” he responded.
He made it very clear in every movement in his body and every note in his voice that he was not trying to hear it. The situation didn't cause for anything other than for Charlene to come to terms with it, and let it go. But for some reason, in the back of her mind she hoped this was still not forever. Her silent hopes didn't take away the pain, she just couldn't grasp that he could possibly mean all of this. She couldn't believe this was all so easy for him. Yet, the look in his eyes and his body language showed that it was. Defeated, Charlene had no choice in the matter, so she took off the ring. Of course, she could have put up a fight, but she knew she had already done more than enough. The second the ring hit his hand, he walked toward the door, opened it and walked out.
She didn't realize itânot until she recognized that familiar pain that she had felt so many times with guys she had liked but had been too easy withâthat this was history repeating itself. At that very moment she realized that all those efforts were in vain, that regardless of how long she tried to suppress her blemished past, it had finally made its way to the present.
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