Shine (2 page)

Thus, this book: I want to share my game plan with you. It isn’t grim and it isn’t too hard, and it’s always fun and inspiring. I don’t pretend to be an expert on what works for everyone, but I’m sure an expert on what doesn’t work, because I’ve been there, done that, wrote a book, saw it on
Oprah,
and bought a T-shirt. Along with a lot of right things I did for my career, I’ve done everything you can possibly do wrong in certain other areas of my life. I was a complete dingbat, focusing just on work, and I didn’t have an overview of who I was, where I was, and how to take better care of my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

But now I know what’s absolute.

I
decided to begin getting ready physically.

Listen—if I didn’t feel or look well physically, nothing would work and I would have a snowball’s chance in hell of finding my perfect mate. Physical well-being depended very much on my general lifestyle—my health, my energy level, my weight, the way I presented my physical self to the world. Even the clothes I wore, the friends and lovers I chose, the way I made decisions and dealt with anxiety—all were reflected in my physical self. Too often, I’d heard and even proclaimed, I really need to find myself. Well, if I didn’t know who I was by forty, it was time to get on the stick. Of one thing I was sure: I was definitely not the best I could be. You know what? It came to me that until then, I didn’t think I was ready to take complete responsibility for my lifestyle, which included that physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I was too busy vaulting over the top in my career. Some people are ready earlier—that’s all there is to it—like my cohost Elisabeth Hasselbeck; at twenty-six she had the career, the husband, and the baby. She had a level of maturity based on personal life experiences that saw her through.

Not me—I couldn’t do it all at once. But now I had a goal: because I wanted to find someone who would be my life mate, I knew I had to work on myself—make Star ready for him. But who was he?

Before I transformed myself physically, I needed an approximate visual image of my idea of a great future mate. So, I did something silly, but it worked. Just for fun, many years ago I started putting together a very specific, long list of what I wanted in a guy—and believe me, it was loooooong.

The Ideal man for me

Over the years, I added to the list, which ranged from height to weight, from background to intellect, from lifestyle to spirituality. One day on
The View,
I told my cohosts about the list. Naturally, they wanted to see it so they could make fun of me, but being a good sport, I brought it in and we talked about it on the show. I remember Barbara really taking me to task about the list.

“You’ll never get it all, Star,” she said. “No man can match up to this wish list.”

I didn’t back down; I knew what I wanted, and I kept my list. (As an aside, at our engagement party, I told everyone what Barbara had said, and I noted that I’d gotten everything but the billionaire part. “Not yet” was Al’s classic response.)

I don’t know what made me do this, but one day, in the middle of my own self-evaluation, I printed out the list on my computer in big, black letters, then stood at the bathroom mirror holding it right next to my body. And I asked myself: can I hold up against this man I want? The truthful answer? No. The way I looked and felt simply didn’t match up to that guy. You can’t ask for Denzel Washington or Clive Owen or Jimmy Smits if you’re walking around looking all busted. You cannot.

Here’s the deal: if you can’t match up to the list, you either have to change the list or change yourself, one or the other. You have to live in the truth.

I looked over my list and knew I had to live in the truth. I also knew I had the ability and, finally, the maturity—and yes, the honesty—to assess myself truth
fully. I did just that—checked out my lifestyle—and came up short. For starters, I was too heavy, I was really heavy. Say it, Star—
obese,
I was obese. My clothes and makeup weren’t as pretty and stylish as they used to be. And I sure wasn’t making the best dating choices. No Prince Charming for Star. But, I reasoned, if I worked on it, maybe there would be someone else out there for me, someone even better than Prince Charming.

Better than the prince? It could happen. I had faith.

So, let me ask you. Could you make a list like mine? Could you figure out what you really need in a wonderful man—and what you could live without? If you want to do what Auntie Star did, the first step is to answer some vital questions, truthfully.