Shine (9 page)

One more thing: I know what I always need to carry with me, no matter what the occasion. Every woman knows what her essentials consist of—keys, cell phone, lipstick, powder, maybe a PDA? Reading glasses? Contact lens solution? Maybe just two of those things. It’s different for everybody. When I’m out handbag shopping, I always put these essentials in a small, self-sealing plastic storage bag (so nothing soils the prospective purse), and before I decide to buy, I see if the bag fits in the purse. I never buy a handbag that won’t fit my needs.

Knowing Real vs. Getting a Steal

So, now you’ve educated yourself as to what “good” feels like. But perhaps “good” is too expensive. Your education is not wasted: now you’ve got to look for a purse that’s similar but inexpensive. Here’s a hint: buy the fashion magazines that do the comparison thing—you know, splurge vs. steal, real vs. faux, dream vs. bargain. They always come out at the top of the season when fall or spring merchandise will soon be released. Now rip out the handbag page, the shoe page, the accessory page: these are your cheat sheets—they’ll help you decide on which faux is closest to the real. If the hottest new bag is a Gucci purse with enamel snakes on it, you know you can’t really duplicate that Gucci purse, but you know that leather with some sort of enamel ornamentation is the style this season.

Where will you find the less expensive version? I note that within about three weeks that the real designer purse (or shoes or accessories or jewelry or whatever you’re searching for) comes out, the less expensive interpretation
becomes available in the department stores and fabulous stores like Payless Shoe Source.

Also, check my Insider Guide, below. If you find yourself in Pisa, skip the Leaning Tower and go to an Armani outlet. If you’re in Palm Beach, skip the beach and visit a jewelry outlet and pick up a little Bulgari-look necklace for $300—the original is $30,000. Oh my God, I can’t stand it!

The One Always-Works Outfit

Find one. Let it be the outfit that makes you feel most adorable or sexy or persuasive. Have two hanging in your closet.

For me, at any size, it’s the little black dress. Because I like my arms, it’s usually sleeveless. I like a simple round collar and a hem length that hits me at the knees. I can wear it with long pearls, with short pearls, with a great gold chain. I can put on a jacket and make it perfect for work or evening—depending on the jacket.

It’s interesting to think of clothes as costume. Wherever you go, whatever role you happen to be playing at the moment—job seeker? true-love seeker? party-goer?—your costume should be appropriate to the role. With a sharply tailored but simple jacket, that little black dress on me could address a jury anywhere. A magnificent brocade or velvet or satin jacket and that little black dress could take me to
The View
and out to dinner that evening. High heels dress it up, low heels dress it down. Today I have several little black dresses. But when I had no money, one black dress worked for every role. Job interview? Black dress, tailored jacket, pearls. First date at lunch? No necklace at all—just the V of my dress showing a bit of décolletage, sandals, and puh-lease—never, never pantyhose with sandals. (No matter if it’s footless, toeless—you’ll still look crazy if you wear open-toed sandals with pantyhose. Bad, bad.) Fancy-schmancy evening affair? Same black dress, only with a pretty evening shawl, my hair pulled up, and cheap
triple
-strand pearls. Do you know I still have the triple-strand pearls I bought twenty years ago for $18? Today, I mix them with the
real
pearls I got as a gift—and defy you to tell the difference by just looking.

Pants

Three rules on pants, girls.

1. No side pockets that stick out: those big old stupid side pockets add ten pounds before you turn around—especially if you have a well-endowed booty. Pockets must be flush with your body.
   
2. If you are trying to minimize your tummy, buy pants only with a flat front, side zip. All the really great designers—Armani, Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren—use a side zip with a beautiful waistband, giving the sleekest look in town.
   
3. Must wear pleats? Not my favorite, but you can if you wear drop pleats that start at the hip, not pleats that start at the waist and end at the knee—okay? A pleat on the hip is going to widen and bulk you up, trust Aunt Star. Remember Seinfeld’s puffy shirt? More than two pleats on pants gives you
   puffy crotch
   —not a great look.
   

A Few Words on Shoes

On this, I could write a whole book. I’ll spare you. However, I believe that shoes are the windows to the soul (or sole…if you want to be cute). So, do this little exercise with me:

• Take out the three pairs of shoes that you (1) love, (2) wear the most, (3) wear when you really want to impress.
  
• Put them on the floor and ask yourself the following questions: Is the heel scratched? Is one side more worn or uneven? Is the buckle or bow or elastic scratched, broken, safety-pinned?
  
• If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may not wear those shoes again.
  

Here are the shoe rules:

• You may not wear shoes where the heels are scratched or that little tap thing on the bottom of the heel is abused. If the little tap thing is actually missing, you’ll click when you walk. Don’t do it. For three dollars, the shoemaker will put a new one on the bottom of your heel, so you won’t click.
  
• Shoes have to be comfortable. Anytime anyone can look at you walking down the street and say to herself, “That girl’s feet hurt,” you’re not in a good shoe. If they hurt in the shoe store when you try them on, they never get better.
  
• My favorite high-end shoes come from Giuseppie Zanotti, Gucci, Manolo Blahnik, Rene Caovilla, and Jimmy Choo. My favorite inexpensive shoes are, what else, Payless—I love their sandals, wedgies, and flip-flops, and my Starlet by Star Jones designs give you high-end glamour for $19.99.
  
• Never shop for shoes late in the day when your feet are swollen. Early in the morning is the best time.
  
• If you’re someone who wears hose all the time, try on shoes with hose. But I don’t want to hear about you wearing hose with open-toed sandals.
  

Does It
Have
to Match?

No. The last thing you want to be is too matchy-matchy. That even translates into a handbag and shoes—the traditional matched set. If the colors come from the same family, even if they don’t match, the combination will be perfect—mauve and purple, gray and black, teal and blue look fine and even better than mauve and mauve or gray and gray. This does not include orange. I suggest losing the orange. If you
must
do, say, orange shoes, do a purse with a pattern in it that includes orange. For God’s sakes, with the orange shoes and the patterned purse, do
not
wear an orange jumpsuit. Remember: colors are accessories as much as jewelry is; keep them in balance.

Build your outfit around the fashion touch you want to emphasize. If I feel like dressing trashy one day when I’m cavorting around town with my girl
friends, I may decide on a floral halter dress in greens, pinks, and dark blues. The dress is my focal point, that’s my primary. If I choose green rhinestone and crystal shoes with gold heels, everyone will look at the shoes and miss the dress—and it’ll also be
too
trashy. So I’ll settle on plucking out one subdued color from the floral pattern—maybe plain green—and it’ll be pretty, but it won’t compete with my dress. You define what you want to be primary—your new strappy shoes, a new necklace, a brooch? Everything else should enhance and show it off—not do battle with it.

Foundation Is All

No matter who you are, what size body you have, or what you look like, always wear a good foundation under your fashion choices. Choose the good bra that lifts you up, a thong with a little tummy support or Spanx (or a similar support garment) to hold in your hips (they’re kind of like boy shorts or support pantyhose without the stockings). I don’t know anyone who doesn’t wear some sort of foundation.

What Not to Wear

Recently, a popular program called
What Not to Wear
hit our TV screens. It’s popular because it’s so negative and so true that it hits a nerve. Everyone should dress appropriately. For example, you wouldn’t wear a super-low-cut dress to a funeral or shining satin pants to a Little League game. You wouldn’t wear a backpack, headphones around your neck, a miniskirt that doesn’t clear your thighs, or heavy makeup to a job interview (facial piercing, especially tongue jewelry, or visible tattoos are definitely a no-no unless you’re interviewing for something
very
other than a Fortune 500 company). Don’t carry a leather purse to an animal rights meeting, and don’t wear clothes that don’t fit anywhere, even to your mom’s Thanksgiving dinner: spring for the extra few dollars to have your off-the-rack find tailored so it really is a find.

Bottom line: if you’re not sure if something is appropriate, I’ll bet anything you’re sure of what’s
not
appropriate. Don’t wear it.

Controversial Fashion

Don’t be intimidated by those who disagree with your choices. For example, I get blasted by a certain group because I wear fur. That’s my choice. That’s the greatest part of being an American—you get to have choices. Don’t insist that I embrace the cause that’s true to you. I will die for your right to go out and protest and express your opinion, but you may not attack me physically or try to intimidate me into believing what you believe. You’ve every right to express your opinion, and I’ve every right to reject it.

You know, I’ve seen members of a group attack me and others for wearing fur, while stepping over a homeless person without giving him a moment’s thought—let alone a buck.

So, I will not insist you come down with me to deliver food to homebound AIDS patients with God’s Love We Deliver, and don’t you dare throw paint at me for wearing a fur coat or trust me; we’re going to have a problem. Don’t let this “chic chic foo foo” style thing fool you. I was raised in the Miller Homes housing projects and I don’t play.

Everything a Diva Needs to Know to Rule the Red Carpet List

I got to see these Glamazons up close and personal as the red carpet host for E! Entertainment Television’s Academy Awards night specials in 2005, and, sure, they have the bodies and the designer clothes, but they also have some tricks that make everything work! Of course, I wanted to know how it is done, so I asked Julie Alderfer, my longtime wardrobe mistress at
The View
to give me the wardrobe tricks of the trade.