Shy Kinda Love (3 page)

“Any chance you share your boyfriend with your friends?” Keegan whispers in my ear.

I scrunch my eyebrows, unclear what she is talking about. She nods over my shoulder to Ryder and I laugh. “He’s not my boyfriend. Just my roommate and best friend,” I say. It’s then I hear a sound resembling a purr leave Keegan’s mouth. I lean forward, eyes wide, seeking answers from Gemma. “Did she just purr?”

“Perfect,” Keegan whispers. Having no clue what she is talking about, I follow her gaze to the door where two guys have just entered. They both look to be college age and both are very attractive. “The tall one is Luke Avery,” Keegan explains.  “Mandy, the leader of the Sohos over there, she’s in love with Luke. Mandy has been trying to get Luke to settle down with her since our sophomore year, but Luke doesn’t settle down. He’s not a one-girl kinda guy. With him here, Mandy is sure to stick around until she can’t hold it anymore,” she says with a chuckle, clearly amusing herself.

I watch as Luke surveys the room until he sees Mr. Patrón. He lifts his chin in hello as he approaches him. They share a quick handshake then talk briefly. Since Keegan is sharing so much, and I’m half drunk, I use this chance to ask about Mr. Patrón. “So what about the other guy, the one that’s been here, drinking Patrón?” I wave my hand in his direction.

Keegan and Gemma both shrug and Gemma answers, “I’ve seen him around campus a few times but I’ve never met him.”

“Me either,” Keegan adds. “But if you’re interested I can go grab him.”

Grab him? Is she going to abduct him for me? “No, really, that’s okay. I was just curious… you know, because he was drinking Patrón, and, well… not many people drink it.”

My explanation sounds incredibly ridiculous to me, so I’m not surprised when Keegan tells me just that.

“You’re a lousy liar.”

“I know,” I say shrugging.

A few minutes later, Ryder leaves us to go talk to a couple of guys and I stay, continuing to drink, with Keegan and Gemma. As the tequila continues to take over my brain, and personality, I begin to forget that I’m a miserable person. I quickly transform into the person tequila makes me: an outgoing, happy girl who loves everyone. The exact opposite of the person I’ve become.

About an hour later, Keegan notices that the Sohos are looking a little peaked. “They’re gonna leave before we get to see them shit their pants.”

I almost spit out my beer. “You really want them to shit their pants, here, in the bar?”

Keegan scrunches her brow. “Well, yeah.” She turns to look back at the table of girls, who are now standing, preparing to leave, then jumps up quickly. “Play along,” she orders to Gemma and me. I just smile and nod, because that’s the girl I am right now. Keegan puts on a perfect smile and approaches the girls. “Hey, you’re not leaving are you? We were just getting ready to sing and wondered if you would like to join us.”

What? Sing? I may be high on tequila, but I don’t sing. Ever.

The girls glance at each other, then over to Gemma and me, so we both smile and wave, trying to look like we are super excited at the idea of a group performance. Gemma leans over and whispers, “These girls love to put on a show, so there is no way they’ll say no.”

Great, looks like I’m going to be singing and dancing after all.

I watch as the girls chat with each other, and Keegan walks back to Gemma and me. “Go pick out a song, and make it good. We’ve only got a few more minutes before they race out of here in search of a private bathroom.” Gemma looks like she’s about to argue, so Keegan reminds her, “This is for Jessie, who will never be able to remove
all
those pictures of her coochie from the internet.”

Gemma sighs and nods, then we make our way to the DJ.

I don’t even need to look through the lists; I already know what song we’re going to sing. I ask the DJ, who confirms he has the song. I pick up both microphones, handing one off to Mandy when she approaches. Keegan takes her place with Gemma and me at our microphone. The Sohos adjust their hair and dresses, all the while giving flirty smiles to several guys in the bar. I too look out over the room and my eyes instantly find Mr. Patrón. He is still at the bar, but now he is leaned forward with both elbows on the bar, watching me very closely. My tequila self decides to smile before my true self tells me to look away. My two personalities argue inside my brain as I catch movement out of the corner of my eye.

I look up to see that Luke has come to sit at a table right up front. He has pulled out a chair and has it turned so the back is facing the stage, and he is sitting facing us, so his arms are crossed over the back of the chair. I watch as he removes his ball cap and turns it so that that it’s on backward. It’s as if he is making sure that nothing obstructs his view of the show, and his eyes are on me, not Mandy.

Needing a sense of security, I look to the back of the bar to find Ryder. He is leaned against the wall, his eyes also on me, but unlike the other two guys, he is smiling. Of course, this little scene fits perfectly into his “get a life” vision. I pull my eyes from his when I hear Keegan whisper, “Perfect song choice.” So I look to the screen where the song title “Only Prettier” and artist “Miranda Lambert” have appeared.

“I thought you’d like that,” I say. As the music starts I hear Mandy and her girls saying they don’t know the song. Perfect—it will take them a few lines before they realize this all a joke on them. Then I hear one of them complaining that her stomach hurts.

The song starts and I feel my walls slip away even further, as Gemma, Keegan, and I sing directly at the other girls. I watch as realization crosses Mandy’s face. She looks from us down to Luke. When her expression changes to confusion, I follow her eyes to see that Luke is still staring at me. Deciding to commit to this revenge, for a girl I’ve never met, I begin to smile and flirt with Luke, while continue to sing along. When I realize the Sohos are no longer singing, I look over to find Mandy watching my interaction with Luke.

The song ends and Mandy is still looking at me. She hisses, “Who the fuck are you?”

I hold the mic to my mouth and wave out to the bar. “I’m Shyanne Adams.” There’s a collective laugh before the sound of Mandy’s mic hitting the floor echoes through the bar. I look over and see she is bent forward slightly at the waist, both arms wrapped around her middle. I check the other girls to see they all have both hands wrapped around their middles as well. Just when it’s looking like Keegan may very well get her wish, Mandy runs to her table, grabs her purse, and exits the bar with her friends close behind.

“Damn, just a few more minutes…” Keegan whines. Handing her mic back to the DJ, she leads the way back to our seats.

I glance at the bar and see Mr. Patrón is still watching me, but now he’s wearing a half-smile. I smile and take another step before someone grabs my hand and stops me.

Luke closes the distance. “I think I owe you a drink,” he says, as he places a hand on my hip.

I don’t hear anything else he says. I’m instantly sober as every cell in my body is fixated on his hand at my hip. My heart begins a triple pace and my lungs race to keep up. I can’t speak, I can’t see, and I can’t slow my breaths. Mentally, I’m no longer in this bar.

“Get your fucking hands off her.” Ryder’s command, and the withdrawal of Luke’s hand, snaps me back to reality. I blink and see Luke look from Ryder back to me.

“I was just offering to buy the girls a drink, you know, to thank them for chasing off that bitch and her cronies,” Luke lifts both hands in surrender, and looks into my eyes. “I’m sorry if I startled you.”

His words remind me that I almost had a panic attack in front of all these people. I look over to the bar where Mr. Patrón is still watching me, but he’s no longer smiling. I rub my face with both hands and tell Luke, “I’m fine. You’re right, you just startled me. Thanks for the offer, but I think I’ve had enough fun for one night.” I turn to Ryder. “Can we go now?”

He nods, and I lead the way out the doors that I never should have walked through tonight.

Chapter 2

The next morning I wake up to Ryder’s music and the sound of weights slamming together. I groan, wondering why he can’t ever skip one day of his monster workout. I mean, are his muscles really going to weaken if he eats a donut in quiet, while allowing me to sleep in?

I decide to shower first thing because the stench of last night is not something I can tolerate during breakfast. Once I smell better, I make my way to the kitchen and pour a cup of coffee, then take it to the couch, where I cuddle it like a high school boyfriend. A few sips in and I hear the music shut off and the sound of Ryder climbing the basement stairs. The door opens and a shirtless, sweaty Ryder appears. “Good morning, my little singing canary,” he teases.

I roll my eyes, irritated at his attempt at minimizing my behavior last night. “Shut up. It’s your fault I acted like a complete idiot and almost had a panic attack in front of the entire bar.”

Ryder comes over to the couch and takes a seat near my feet. I pull my knees up, trying to keep from being too close. I’m pissed and I want him to know it.

“You had a good time, don’t play it off like it was the worst night of your life. You didn’t act like an idiot, you acted like a typical girl drinking and having fun with new friends,” he says.

“So most other girls have panic attacks when someone touches them?” I ask, throwing as much sarcasm into the question as possible.

Ryder presses his mouth into a hard line, and I watch as his nostrils flare. He’s gone from playful to serious. “Stop beating yourself up. You are going to have more events that trigger you, the more time you spend around new people. You take each one at a time, working through it and deciding the best way to handle it.”

I hold up a hand. “I’m not going to have more triggers because I’m not going to place myself in a situation like that again. You insisted I go out last night. I went because it was my twenty-first birthday and I could see I was not going to win a battle with you. I went, I did have a good time for a few minutes, but that whole scene is not for me. I’m perfectly content with my life the way it is.”

“What’s not for you, having fun and laughing? Making friends?” he asks. “You were placed in protective services so you could have a new life, but I don’t see you living much of a life.”

I huff in frustration. “You know how I feel—the more people I have in my life, the more I have to lose. At any time I may have to be relocated. If I get close to someone, and have to leave them… well, I don’t think I would survive that kind of loss again.”

Ryder stands quickly, then kneels in front of me. Sitting so close, I can’t miss the pain in his eyes. “That’s life, Shy. Everyone is at risk of losing everything at any time. Your father, and those men, took four years of your life that you can’t change, and you will never get back—but now you get to choose. You get to choose how many more years, or even days, that you’re going to let them have. Every day you live like this, isolated and broken, is another day you give to them. I know that’s not what you want, but you need to understand that’s what you’re doing.”

Well, I guess Ryder decided he’s not handling me with kid gloves anymore. I know he’s right, but I have no idea how to start living a normal life. The last real friend I had, except for Ryder, was his sister Casey, who died when I was eleven.

Using his super stealth ninja skills, Ryder reads my mind… again. “You start by deciding that you want to smile. Then you find the people and things that make you smile, and you allow them into your life. I know the idea of losing people is terrifying. I have those same fears, but you have to remember that living is not living if you have nothing to lose.”

Just then I hear a knock at the door. I look to Ryder and ask, “Who’s that?” No one ever comes here, ever.

Ryder draws in a long breath and nods his head, as if coming to a conclusion. “Your new friends,” he says.

I watch, wondering what he is talking about, as he strides to the front door. I hear Keegan’s unforgettable voice as soon as he opens the door: “Oh, sweet Christ, can I touch you?”

I try to be pissed that Ryder has taken it upon himself to invite my “new friends” to the house, but I can’t help the laugh that escapes. Keegan Hughes is definitely someone who makes me smile. When I get to the door I find Keegan with one hand outstretched, rubbing Ryder’s chest, and Gemma holding a box of donuts and several movies. I decide then that I’m going to let myself smile today.

Over the next several hours, while watching multiple seasons of
Sons of Anarchy
, I learn a lot about the two girls. I’m shocked to learn Keegan is pre-med, and the studies come easy to her. I’m not shocked to learn that Gemma is in school to become a social worker. Although I’ve known her for less than twenty-four hours, I can tell that helping others is what makes Gemma smile.

Around seven that night, I tell the girls, honestly, that I have had a good time, but I need to get a few things done before I head off to bed. I have to be at the barn early tomorrow to feed. As they gather up the videos scattered across the coffee table and TV stand, I see Keegan and Gemma having a silent conversation with their eyes. Keegan glances at Gemma, who is smiling and nodding, then Keegan looks to me.

“We need a roommate. We live in a three bedroom duplex off-campus. We had a roommate, but after we found out she was a back-stabbing bitch, I kicked her ass out.” Keegan shrugs. “I can handle bitches, just not the back-stabbing variety. Anyway, we were going to just leave the room empty, but it would be nice to split the rent three ways again.”

Surprised by their offer, I just blink, looking between the two of them. I finally state the obvious: “You don’t even know me.”

Keegan shrugs. “I’m a good judge of character. I don’t like posers. I only associate with people who know who they are and don’t try to be something different. I can tell you’re not the kind of person who tries to impress or pretend.”

This is true. I try to hide from people, not impress them. I nod to Gemma. “What about you?”

Gemma continues to smile wide. “Oh, I like everyone.”

I look back to Keegan, and she rolls her eyes. “It’s true. Gemma is the definition of sunshine. It’s pretty annoying most days.”

I laugh. “I have to ask, how did you two become best friends? I mean, you are kind of complete opposites.”

Keegan sighs and leans back into the couch. “We went to high school together. Our freshman year we were partners in biology. After that she attached herself to me like a lost kitten looking for a mother. I might not be a nice person, but I love kittens.”

“That’s so sweet,” Gemma says, eyes wide and looking a little watery. Is this girl for real? Her best friend just called her an orphan kitten and she thinks that’s sweet?

Having no intention of moving in with them, or anyone but Ryder, I lie again. “I’ll think about it. Ryder is really protective, I doubt he’d be crazy about me moving out.”

This makes Keegan perk up. “I can convince him. Just one night. Give me one night with him and he’ll agree to whatever we want, and he’ll probably ask me to marry him too.” Her eyes narrow as she surveys the room, taking in every item. It’s as if she’s planning her strategy, right now.

I wave away her offer. “No, that won’t be necessary. Like I said, I’ll think about it, but honestly, I’m not sure if I’m ready to try the roommate thing. I mean,” I turn my head, looking away from the girls, trying to find the courage to admit this one thing. Without looking back to them, I say, “Ryder is the only friend I’ve had, for many years.”

I see concern flash across Gemma’s face, but Keegan is not fazed by my confession. “Well, that’s because you were waiting for the coolest best friends to find you,” she says.

I smile. “Well, I’ll think about it. And talk to Ryder,” I add, keeping that option as an out.

***

When Ryder gets home later that night, I’m still cleaning up the mess we made. His smile tells me he is pretty proud of himself for abandoning me today. I want to be mad at him, but honestly, I had a good time, so I just ignore his smile. “Did you get caught up on work?” I ask.

“Nope, but got a lot done,” he says. “So, how was your day?”

I roll my eyes. “I had fun, okay. Are you happy?”

He rounds the kitchen island and wraps me in a hug. “You have absolutely no idea just how happy that makes me.”

I sigh, and hug him back. “They asked me to move in with them,” I say, needing to get this off my chest.

Ryder pulls back, placing his hands on my shoulders. “What? That was fast.”

I nod. “Yeah, I think that’s the only speed Keegan does anything.”

“I think you’re probably right about that.” Ryder laughs. “So, what did you tell them?”

I pull away from him, and back up to the counter. Placing my hands on either side of my waist, I hoist myself up, planting my butt next to the coffee maker. “I told them I’d think about it, but I can’t. I mean, I can’t move out of here, and in with a couple of girls.”

Ryder lifts a brow. “And why can’t you? Don’t get me wrong, I want to tell you no. I want to keep you here where I can continue to protect your every movement, but you need to have friends and have fun.”

I lean my head back, knocking it against the cabinet. “I know, and I know you need to get your life back, but I just met them yesterday.”

Ryder growls, “Stop saying shit like that. My life is just fine. You’re the one who needs to start living again. Maybe you should spend a little more time with them, let me run some background checks, then you can decide.”

“Really? That’s how you’ll approve my roommates, with background checks?”

He presses his lips into a firm line and nods. “Absofuckinglutely.”

***

Over the following two weeks, I spend almost every day with Keegan. The first few days were her following me around the house while I cleaned—which was my attempt to show her I had things to do. When I realized that was not going to keep her from coming to visit, I gave in, and would sit and eat lunch or watch TV with her. Most times she would talk about herself, her family, or the “stupid people” she’s forced to be around every day at school. What I have learned is that Keegan grew up about two hours east of here, in central Ohio. She has one brother who is three years younger, and her parents have always been very lenient in their parenting.

Keegan asked me a couple questions about myself, but when she realized I’m not the sharing kind, she ended the questioning. That’s when I decided to try this friendship thing. If anyone can tolerate my lack of a past, and bizarre behaviors around strangers, it will be Keegan. And Gemma, well, I think she likes anyone, regardless of bizarreness.

Just as I get comfortable with Keegan and Gemma being around, I find myself being dragged to their house. They continue to push my boundaries every day, and by the end of the month, I’m loading my car and moving in with the girls.

As the summer moves on, we go to The Hole about once a week; I’m pretty sure the girls see this as a therapy for me. The second time we went, Luke was there. He came to the table to say hello, and Keegan tried to run him off. After that week, he is never there when we get there, but usually shows up within a half hour. Keegan suspects he’s told the bartender, Nate, to text him if I show up. Luke sits at the bar, talking to Nate, but will eventually make it over to our table, just making small talk. Keegan watches him very closely, waiting for him to do or something to warrant an attack. He has never been anything but nice to me. I don’t mind his company, because he is nice to look at and he can be very funny.

One day Gemma asks if I would consider a date with him, and I tell her, truthfully, I have no attraction to him. That’s when Keegan brings up Mr. Patrón. Trying to hide my embarrassment, I immediately change the subject, but Keegan’s knowing smile tells me I’ve hidden nothing from her.